Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
4 Min Read
Contents
We get a lot of questions regarding separation, divorce, and dating. Many of them center around when it’s okay to start dating again and if it’s okay to do so while you’re separated but still married.
There are many variations of separation and divorce, but for all of them the challenges and problems remain the same. Dating while separated or even newly divorced may seem okay, but there are many unforeseen pitfalls.
Below is a question a reader sent about dating a married woman who is separated and my answer.
Reader Question:
I have been dating a married woman who is separated for about a month, but we both agree it feels like we have known or been dating for years. She has been separated for over a year, but her husband has been dragging the divorce out. She was married to this individual for 10 years. She is now 35. I am 38 and never been married. She has been dating prior to me, but I don't think it has been as serious as us. Things had been going really well until this last week and could feel her getting a bit distant. I finally asked her about it last night and of course it was a bit late. I asked if she did not feel the same way about me as she did. She said no she does. She felt circumstances were freaking her out. She is still married and doesn't know if she got into a serious relationship with me because she still is. I feel like she is scared of our relationship for fear it may end up again like her last? I have been treating her like I treat my other relationships, but I don't think she has been treated this well or nicely. I believe this may be adding to the freak out. I asked if she felt like she was missing out on some part of life of not being married? She said no again. What should I be asking or saying?" -Richard L.
Richard isn’t alone in his confusion.
The process of divorcing takes some time and many people are eager to move on with their lives and find someone new while still in it. That’s understandable, but there are many issues that will arise for both the person going through the separation and the person they’re dating.
Here’s the answer I gave him.
My Answer:
A common mistake a lot of people make is getting involved in a new relationship while an old one is still unresolved. And I don't just mean unresolved in regard to the divorce process being finished, but unresolved psychologically and emotionally as well.
A typical scenario is that when people finally decide to separate, often after years of being unhappily married, they immediately start looking for a more positive relationship.
They want to feel,
Again, this desire is understandable, but it usually leads to getting involved in a new relationship too soon after the separation.
I'm counseling a man right now who within weeks of finding out that his wife was cheating on him, separated and started dating.
Within 60 days of separating, he was in a pretty serious new relationship. That was 2 years ago and he admits now that he jumped into the new relationship way too soon. And as a result, it didn't last.
While I can't say precisely what's going on with the woman you're dating, Richard. I can say that dating a married woman who is separated is complicated.
I would bet that the emotional and psychological baggage of her marriage is causing your girlfriend to become distant.
What can you ask or say?
Probably not much, other than suggesting that the marriage she’s leaving is having an effect on you guys and there are things that she still needs to resolve.
Here are some suggestions for what you can do now:
It sounds like she's not ready to have the relationship you want right now.
Sometimes the timing is just not right. This doesn't have to mean that you can never have a relationship with her, but waiting until she’s in a better place will greatly increase the likelihood of success.
People who are separated or in the process of divorcing have likely struggled with their prior relationship for a long time.
Divorce typically isn’t an overnight decision.
Because there’s probably been years of growing resentment and distance, it’s not uncommon for one or both partners to crave attention and affection. To put it simply – they’re love starved.
They typically feel a combination of negative, uncomfortable emotions. Such as –
And they’re eager to feel a positive, romantic connection with someone - sometimes anyone - again.
Because of this a person who’s still married but separated is vulnerable to making poor choices when it comes to dating.
This doesn’t mean that you, as the person they want to date, are a poor choice, but that during this confusing time they’re either,
or
what they can really give to a relationship and their own current emotional state.
If you’re considering dating a woman (or man) who’s married but separated it would be wise to reconsider.
As strong as the attraction may be, the likelihood that the relationship will last is small. And taking that chance will put in you in a very real position to be hurt.
It will also cause problems for the other person and limit their healing.
If the connection between the two of you is strong enough, it’ll survive the time he or she needs to become someone fully available and ready to commit to a new relationship. The benefit will be a relationship that’s much more stable and less complicated as a result of you both waiting.
To say dating while separated isn’t ideal is an understatement. Relationships that begin during this emotional and logistical grey area are set up to fail and therefore cause pain for both partners.
If you’re currently dating someone, or considering dating someone, who’s going through a separation, keep the following in mind:
If you’re dating a woman who’s married but separated, take a lesson from Richard’s story and wait. Both of you will be happier in the end.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 5, 2010, updated on November 27, 2018 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
Overthinking is like being on a mental hamster wheel – lots of energy expended, ultimately getting you nowhere.
Struggling with How To Love A Woman? Get some Relationship Advice on Love from a marriage counselor. See how Women Say They Want To Be Loved.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
first off, I was married for twenty years and have been seperated and divorced for five years. anyway, I rekindled an old relationship three years ago with a ex high school girl friend. met her on face book and all she kept telling me is that her relation with her husband hasn't been good for many years. during this time she also found out that her husband was cheating on her for three years. So three years ago he moved out and I've been dating her ever since. she also tells me she's working on the divorce. I love her very much but I think I've been in this holding patern long enough. I ask her all the time about the divorce and all she tells me is shes busy and is working on the paper work. it hurts me to move on but i don't think i have a choice
Tom, I've seen this before where people never end the prior relationship and drag it out and out and out. I think you're right if she's not willing to end that so that she can be fully with you. Good job recognizing that you deserve this and being willing to do something about it if you don't get it. -Kurt
My issue is identical to yours. Broke it off 2 days ago. I keep reading your post, encouraging myself I made the right decision. Thanks for posting!
I recently met a woman on online who like me, had a bad relationship. She was married 20 years 2 children, I had a partner for 15 years and 2 children. We chatted for 2 months, on the phone, texts, emails, and I even thought Id send a birthday card to an address of her choice. Just wanted to brighten the day up, then last week, we finally had a meet and greet. She lives in the North and I live in the south. And what great conversation we had, our chats are really good. We even Kissed. However she is been separated for over 1 year and just under one year to go for the divorce can go thru. She raises her children to the best way she can, and he turns up, no love for the kids and treats her with disrespect. I realise Ive walked in to a disaster with her ex, even though he has no idea she joined a site. Do I walk away now and wait until shes divorced or do I close this chapter now.
Ollie, It's your decision, but you can see what I caution about in the article. Don't fool yourself into thinking it will be different for you. You see the warning signs already. -Kurt
Sex and Money usually are always at the bottom of things. Walk away
Hello everyone. I am 27 years old with no kids and I never been married. Around August in 2014 I decided to move from Atlanta and go back to school to Georgia Southern University. I decided to get a side job to help with my bills in my new apartment. Well I met a young lady who was two months older than me with a child. From the onset we hit it off and had certain commonalities. She was hesitant to tell me that she was separated from her younger husband, but when she told me that I was at a crossroads and I now regret going down the wrong path with her. I told her that she was in a critical time of her life and that we should tread carefully and keep a distance but the chemistry between us grew and we gave in to the lust and passion. I knew I was playing with fire and that I'd get burned. Long story short I am trying to get over her after things turned ugly after a big argument on a trip with some friends. We stopped seeing each other and gave each other space. After reading this blog and peoples' comments I feel like I understand how complicated things were for us. I feel like she was looking for some consolation and found that in me and vice versa. She is a nice person in my opinion but there were too many signs there that she was just looking for a way to forget about her failed marriage and her status as a single Mom. I don't think I was anything more than a pit stop to her next destination of temporary happiness to fill a void. We are back in good terms but the distance and lack of communication is evident. I think she needs this time to figure out whay she wants to do even though she always tells me that she isn't rushing into a relationship. I recently found out that another suiter has made his way into her life which she told me about. My insecurities caused me to ask if they have been intimate of which she denied. I actually don't believe her but she did tell me that they are "just friends" (really? It's 2015). Either way it's her prerogative and I feel like I should do myself justice and let her situation run its course. Maybe time will reveal something better for me or for her. Who knows... That's life.I recently got her a birthday gift and she reached out and thanked me. One thing I do appreciate if nothing else is the fact that I was given some amount of closure in our last phone call. We made amends and now it's just time to let things go the way they will go and move on.
Need help