Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
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We get a lot of questions regarding separation, divorce, and dating. Many of them center around when it’s okay to start dating again and if it’s okay to do so while you’re separated but still married.
There are many variations of separation and divorce, but for all of them the challenges and problems remain the same. Dating while separated or even newly divorced may seem okay, but there are many unforeseen pitfalls.
Below is a question a reader sent about dating a married woman who is separated and my answer.
Reader Question:
I have been dating a married woman who is separated for about a month, but we both agree it feels like we have known or been dating for years. She has been separated for over a year, but her husband has been dragging the divorce out. She was married to this individual for 10 years. She is now 35. I am 38 and never been married. She has been dating prior to me, but I don't think it has been as serious as us. Things had been going really well until this last week and could feel her getting a bit distant. I finally asked her about it last night and of course it was a bit late. I asked if she did not feel the same way about me as she did. She said no she does. She felt circumstances were freaking her out. She is still married and doesn't know if she got into a serious relationship with me because she still is. I feel like she is scared of our relationship for fear it may end up again like her last? I have been treating her like I treat my other relationships, but I don't think she has been treated this well or nicely. I believe this may be adding to the freak out. I asked if she felt like she was missing out on some part of life of not being married? She said no again. What should I be asking or saying?" -Richard L.
Richard isn’t alone in his confusion.
The process of divorcing takes some time and many people are eager to move on with their lives and find someone new while still in it. That’s understandable, but there are many issues that will arise for both the person going through the separation and the person they’re dating.
Here’s the answer I gave him.
My Answer:
A common mistake a lot of people make is getting involved in a new relationship while an old one is still unresolved. And I don't just mean unresolved in regard to the divorce process being finished, but unresolved psychologically and emotionally as well.
A typical scenario is that when people finally decide to separate, often after years of being unhappily married, they immediately start looking for a more positive relationship.
They want to feel,
Again, this desire is understandable, but it usually leads to getting involved in a new relationship too soon after the separation.
I'm counseling a man right now who within weeks of finding out that his wife was cheating on him, separated and started dating.
Within 60 days of separating, he was in a pretty serious new relationship. That was 2 years ago and he admits now that he jumped into the new relationship way too soon. And as a result, it didn't last.
While I can't say precisely what's going on with the woman you're dating, Richard. I can say that dating a married woman who is separated is complicated.
I would bet that the emotional and psychological baggage of her marriage is causing your girlfriend to become distant.
What can you ask or say?
Probably not much, other than suggesting that the marriage she’s leaving is having an effect on you guys and there are things that she still needs to resolve.
Here are some suggestions for what you can do now:
It sounds like she's not ready to have the relationship you want right now.
Sometimes the timing is just not right. This doesn't have to mean that you can never have a relationship with her, but waiting until she’s in a better place will greatly increase the likelihood of success.
People who are separated or in the process of divorcing have likely struggled with their prior relationship for a long time.
Divorce typically isn’t an overnight decision.
Because there’s probably been years of growing resentment and distance, it’s not uncommon for one or both partners to crave attention and affection. To put it simply – they’re love starved.
They typically feel a combination of negative, uncomfortable emotions. Such as –
And they’re eager to feel a positive, romantic connection with someone - sometimes anyone - again.
Because of this a person who’s still married but separated is vulnerable to making poor choices when it comes to dating.
This doesn’t mean that you, as the person they want to date, are a poor choice, but that during this confusing time they’re either,
or
what they can really give to a relationship and their own current emotional state.
If you’re considering dating a woman (or man) who’s married but separated it would be wise to reconsider.
As strong as the attraction may be, the likelihood that the relationship will last is small. And taking that chance will put in you in a very real position to be hurt.
It will also cause problems for the other person and limit their healing.
If the connection between the two of you is strong enough, it’ll survive the time he or she needs to become someone fully available and ready to commit to a new relationship. The benefit will be a relationship that’s much more stable and less complicated as a result of you both waiting.
To say dating while separated isn’t ideal is an understatement. Relationships that begin during this emotional and logistical grey area are set up to fail and therefore cause pain for both partners.
If you’re currently dating someone, or considering dating someone, who’s going through a separation, keep the following in mind:
If you’re dating a woman who’s married but separated, take a lesson from Richard’s story and wait. Both of you will be happier in the end.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 5, 2010, updated on November 27, 2018 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
Overthinking is like being on a mental hamster wheel – lots of energy expended, ultimately getting you nowhere.
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reading these posts makes me feel at ease that I am not alone. I am currently dating a married woman who has been separated almost a year and a half. Which I don't understand because her son is 8 months old and her daughter is almost 3. I am concerned because she keeps going back and forth about our relationship and has a hard time telling me what she wants out the relationship and following my lead. I would very much like to keep the relationship a go but everywhere I turn it seems to get too scary for her. I am not exactly sure of what to do in this situation since this would be my first real relationship with kids and married. Would like some perspective on this.
Hi David, You are in a difficult and complicated situation. It is very likely that she feeling pulled between her connection to her ex, her feelings for him as a father, and her feelings for you. The fact that she isn't actually divorced yet may be evidence of this. This type of dynamic can become very messy, especially when young children are involved. Before getting too much further into things it would probably be best to encourage her to sort out her relationship with her ex so that she feels comfortable moving forward with someone. Until that happens it will be difficult for the two of you to build a strong and healthy relationship. This is particularly important when it comes to the happiness and welfare of the children. All my best - Dr. Kurt
Kurt,
My ex finally got divorced!! We dated 2 yrs ago...she would occasionally reach out but I called her the other day...things went great but she went cold again.
Are you sure feelings can return after 2 yrs when she is ready lol
Thanks
Dr. kurt, tell this guy the obvious truth!
Get the heck out of it now!These men are vulnerable,involved with married,separated,and who knows what else
types of Unfuntional,dis functional relationships.
I mean reaaly?
Hi! I am glad i came across this page. Yet i don't know if this is still active. Anyhow, i still want to share my story. I am a married woman. We've been for 4yrs together yet separated for almost 3yrs now. No kids. Now, i met this man from my previous work. A single man, with a son. We became friends. He was a nice guy. He asked my number, and we keep talking almost every night. Until he would ask to pick me up every morning and send me home after work. He seemed interested in me, even if he knows i am married yet separated. I keep pushing him away, the fact that i will always be married to my ex-husband. I know that if i'll get involve with this man, i have to hide from the world. Months of being consistent, i fell inlove with him. Yet i am always scared bcoz i know i am married and he is not. I have fears that one day, he will give up and would find someone whom he can settle with. We've been dating for almost 8mos now. We are both 33yrs. old. I've been saving money for my annulment. And he is helping me so i could save, by not letting me spend a single penny when we go out. He would always offer to pay for my groceries, so i could really save. Sadly, in our country, divorce is not available. We only have legal separation or annulment. And acquiring one is nearly impossible unless we hit the grounds for annulment. That's why it's really hard to start with the separation process, plus it's damn expensive. I felt empty most of the time, bcoz i know i wanted to be happy with someone else, yet my marriage is stopping me. I want to be with this man, but i always have fears that one day, he will give up. I really don't know what to do. Should i stay or let go?
Hi Dr Kurt. I recently broke up with a woman who is separated and going through a divorce. We were together for 7 months. Unfortunately back in November she ended it with me because she told she is not emotionally ready for a relationship while going through a divorce. It's been very hard and I've fallen in love with this woman. I told her once she is healed and ready for us to try and work things out. She was married for 30 years with two grown children so I know this is very tough on her but I feel in my heart we have something special and can make it work once she is fully healed. In the meantime she told me I shouldn't wait for her because she told me she might not be ready for a few years after the divorce is final which I do understand. Her ex has been very difficult to deal with and is going after half of her work pension plus missed mortgage payment on their house they still own together. Please tell me any good advice. It's been extremely hard not having her in my life.
Monie, Sorry for the bad news, but she's right. No one is really ready for another relationship while going through a divorce or for a while afterwards. Unfortunately, most people do it anyway. It's commendable that she recognizes this and is setting a boundary with you. If you love her, you should respect it. Sometimes the timing just isn't right, but that doesn't mean it can't be down the road. Patience is a form of love. -Dr. Kurt
Thank you Dr Kurt for your response. We did see each other over the holidays and we had a very deep conversation and it was very emotional for the both of us. I told her I will be patient and wait for her and also told her she is worth my time. She just turned 56 and I'm 44 so the age gap was another reason she felt I shouldn't wait for her. She told me I am a very good man and she cares about me deeply.I told her I feel she is the right woman for me but I know it will take time and we will have to go at her pace once she has healed after the divorce.I know right now all I can do like you mentioned is give her space and I told her I'm prepared to do that.