What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Sex is a big part of most marriages. While it may occasionally take a backseat when there’s a lot going on, the connection sexual intimacy brings and reinforces is important to the health of a marriage. Which makes sexual dysfunction, like erection problems, an especially painful and difficult circumstance.
At Guy Stuff we work with couples facing all kinds of challenges. And while we don’t address the medical issues that can be associated with erection problems, we do help with the psychological factors, as well as the emotional fallout that such problems can bring. In fact, many causes of erectile dysfunction can be better and more permanently addressed through counseling than through a pill.
An example of how erectile dysfunction can affect your marriage can be found in the question below submitted by Ashley. My advice follows after.
Reader Question:
My husband admitted that he has erection problems. We have been married for 6 years and during this time we only had sex about 20 times. During sex he will loose his erection and blame it on his weight. But he is not interested in losing weight or use alternative medication to assist with his erection problem. I have suggested he go for counseling as I feel that there are emotional issues involved due to his previous wife's cheating on him. I have never cheated, however at this stage I am even considering this as I am only human." -Ashley V.
Ashley’s in a tough situation. Facing a sexless marriage and a stubborn husband who’s embarrassed and doesn’t want to discuss the problem, it’s not particularly surprising that the thought of cheating has crossed her mind. Of course, that’s not an acceptable solution on any level and would only compound her marital problems exponentially.
My Answer:
I've worked with a number of men with erectile problems. You're correct in thinking that there maybe emotional issues affecting your husband. Erectile dysfunction almost always has a psychological component -- being depressed, feelings of guilt, worry, stress and anxiety can all be contributors.
The repeated loss of an erection also compounds the problem since most men worry obsessively that it will happen again. This pattern typically leads to chronic problems like the loss of sexual desire and avoidance of sex completely. This sounds a lot like your marriage with your having had sex only a couple of times a year.
Take a look at this article about a man who has no sexual desire for his future wife to understand more about what happens for men like your husband.
If your husband won't take care of himself, either by losing weight, taking medication, or going to counseling, then you've got to find a different strategy to deal with this besides having an affair. After all, if you're correct in your thinking that his previous wife's cheating may be a factor, which is likely to some degree, the last thing you should consider is doing the same to him again.
Here's what to do:
Keep in mind that erection problems can be a touchy subject for any man. He will feel embarrassed and likely get defensive. He may also avoid any effort at sexual intimacy out of fear that he would only disappoint you. For this reason, it’s important to be as understanding and patient as possible when you're working through this issue.
As a wife you will also need to be careful not to take his erection problems personally. Many women understandably feel like they’re doing something wrong or aren’t attractive enough for their husband. However, it isn’t usually a matter of arousal or sexual response, as less obvious factors like porn can cause erectile dysfunction.
Erection problems are either physical (blood pressure, weight related, etc.), psychological, or a combination of both. And although every man can occasionally experience a problem with getting or maintaining an erection due to stress or other unique factors, having regular erectile dysfunction isn’t normal.
If your husband is experiencing regular erection problems, you’ll both need to find out why and get the appropriate treatment. It can be tempting to avoid this issue, but don’t. Addressing sexual problems is crucial for the health and happiness of your husband, yourself, and your marriage.
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll try to answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up at the bottom of the page so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published May 20, 2010 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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We’ve been married five years. The past two years, he can’t maintain an erection when we have sex. He has no problem maintaining onecwhen it’s involving oral sex. What is the problem?
Val, It could be a number of things and I can't say for sure without assessing him. But I would wonder about the possibility of porn induced erectile dysfunction since it sounds like his arousal has changed. We have an article on this topic under the porn category. Excessive masturbation combined with the visual impact of porn can change how a person is stimulated and aroused. -Dr. Kurt
My husband has ed. Years of taking pain meds must have been why he has it today. 42 years and the last 17 years we just decided to not have sex at all. But then I feel lost lonely and sometimes depressed. But I have helped himto not worry about me n now I'm worried because coming home from the nursing home which he was there for theraphy for 3 months has changed him. We would argue over the phone because he said or did things thar he never did before? He said he loves me and can't wait to come home to me because he missess me. Then all of a sudden he wants to try having sex again? What the heck is going on? But I know because of his ed problem and his heart problem that is not going to happen? Right? He has changed in a way where he will keep to himself, or not speak to me for 1 to 2 hours. Always on the laptop, but then finds time to sit by himself without talking to me. Wetried to have sex but it didnt work, he reached out to his doctor for help with his ed so she prescribed him pills to help, low dosages ar first then 3 months later viagra. I'm not sure that is working but he did tell me the other day he took one, and he had an erection ? I was like why did you do this without me knowing? He said he just wanted to see if it would work. Of course I was hurt, n confused because i thought it would benefit the two of us. He then walked away, didn't even consider me? So its been three days he took another one , we sat there waiting while he watches movies, but for some reason he didn,t get an erection. I even tried making my self pretty for him, he just said, no you dont have to do that, i told him its for you! He said dont that turns me off? Like what the heck? Whats going on?