You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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At Guy Stuff we work with couples facing a wide variety of problems. The love fading, being gone all together, or falling out of love are big ones for many partners in long-term relationships.
In fact, there are many couples who, after years together, completely ignore expressing love toward one another at all. A frequent complaint from wives in particular is that their husband never says, “I love you.”
For example, Julie, a wife I've been working with in marriage counseling, told me yesterday that last week her husband asked her for a hug for the first time in their 15-year marriage. She said over the years she had come to accept the lack of affection, even though she wasn’t happy about it, as how things were.
When he hugged her it made her realize that not only had that level of affection been missing, but that her husband had also never said “I love you” in nearly 15 years as well.
This realization was both sad and uncomfortable for her.
Shouldn’t a husband tell his wife he loves her with some regularity? At least at some point over 15-years?
When discussing her situation an article I read came to mind, Advice: He Never Says "I Love You", from Psychology Today.
I’m certain Julie can relate to these excerpts from the article. How about you?
See if you can relate to the wife in this article.
Here's the advice given by Psychology Today:
While this is an interesting article, I disagree with the Psychology Today response saying that this husband "can't" say "I love you.”
I would say it’s more likely that,
Or
I counsel the type of men this article describes and know from experience they can and do develop the ability to say "I love you," and turn it into a habit with the right help. (I’m one of them).
Yes, the phrase “I love you” is just words. But they’re powerful words.
Some people claim they don’t need to say it because they make a habit of showing it.
I say you need to do both.
A satisfying relationship takes work and effort. Too often we fall into routines and just assume that our partner knows how we feel.
And then, as years go by we accept the lack of attention we give our partner, or receive from our partner, as normal – much like the couple I described above.
But saying “I love you” to your partner or spouse should remind both of you that there’s supposed to be more to your relationship than getting through the day-to-day. Stating this helps to maintain the bond you’ve created and reinforces your connection to each other.
And we all need reminders that the person we’ve chosen to partner with for life still has genuine, deep feelings for us.
Yes, there is.
The words “I love you” have to go along with actions that show they’re true. Simply throwing the words, “I love you” out there from time to time isn’t enough.
The good news is that those actions can be as simple as the hug the husband described above gave to his wife – even if it was far, far overdue.
The bottom line is that love is not just a feeling, it's a choice and an action, and one that is learned with and reinforced by practice.
When a husband never says “I love you” to his wife it chips away at their relationship and leaves them vulnerable to much bigger problems. Wives, this goes for you too.
It’s far too easy for any of us to take our spouse for granted and overlook reminding them of their importance in our life by telling them we love them.
If you're like Julie, are married to a man who never says “I love you,” keep the following in mind:
As they say, “Actions speak louder than words.” So, if your husband never says, “I love you,” watch for behaviors that say what he doesn’t. He may be silently showing you he loves you every day. Still, tell him you need to hear the words too.
What part of this can you relate to? Please share a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 27, 2010, updated on January 22, 2019, updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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My husband of 28 yrs has always been lacking of affection. He only kissed me the first week of our marriage and never again. Says its because he doesnt want for me too get his recurring cold sores. Whatever. But he hugs and kisses our daughters forehead and hands, yet he almost never has kissed me anywhere and hugs are to a minimum. I try ti hug him and he quickly wiggles away but begs our daughter for a hug. He asks her to go on daddy dates with him and he has never asked me on a date since 1990. I love her but cant help but feel so rejected. I have always felt like this but I was younger and had better self esteem. Now Im tired of loving a man so, so much and feeling like the most unattractive eyesore that he would rather not have around. So many people care for me and I have a purpose in life, but the closest person, sleeping quietly next to me, hardly even talks to me, much less anything else.
Hi Gina.. I also experience your situation right now except that we are only married for 1 year. I think Im losing my nuts here.
Ammy, I feel you on this! Me and my husband have only been married for 1 year and he is so distance. I feel every day like I’m going nuts along with feeling helpless because I don’t know what more to do for my marriage that I haven’t already tried!
My husband stopped telling me he loves me he is always let picking me up from work. He talks to other people before me. Never answers my calls or text messages! He only wants from me and not give I. Return! I am loving caring and passionate how do I over come this? There is so much more but it would take a life time to write about! Any advice would be nice! Thanks
Hi Jamie, I'm sorry to hear that your husband has become so distant. It's really difficult for me to offer any specific advice without speaking to him directly. I would suggest you find a time for the two of you to talk openly and honestly and explain to him how you have been feeling. It's possible he doesn't realize how his behavior has affected you. -Dr. Kurt
Husband and I have been married for less than a year now and he has only said "I love you" once or twice when he was drunk! I tell him every day how much this means to me but still nothing. I am thinking about just leaving him if things don't change soon.
My husband and I have been married 47 years. 20 years ago, I was going to leave him because he never tells me he loves me. He swore that day that he would tell me every single day if I would stay. 20 years later, he still hasn't said it. He never touches me outside the bedroom and then it's just the minimum to get what he wants, but he is kind and good to me otherwise. I feel like we're friends with benefits instead of husband and wife, but he's the one getting all the benefits. I won't leave him at this point in our lives, but it's tearing me up inside. It's affecting my health and my mental health. He won't go to counseling and won't talk to me about it. He won't talk to me about anything personal or important at all. After 47 years, I still don't know what he thinks or feels about most things. I'm at the point where I don't care if I live or die because I have nothing holding me here on this earth except my kids and grandkids, and they are at the point where they no longer need me.
I have been married for 16 years. My husband and I have not talked over eight years. I cry every night because I want more. I want us to live happily together. He does not do any affection at all. He does not say I Love You at all. He makes me feel like I don’t do enough for our family. When I do a lot for our family and always have. I’m worn out. I work 40 plus hours a week then to come home to a empty husband. Says nothing, does not answer my messages, doesn’t show anything towards me. Breaks my heart because I want our relationship to work. I want to grow old together. But I need more. I grew up in a family to where we were a family. Had fun together. My parents were glued together at all times. That’s all I ever wanted. I can’t have it. How do you fix it? 😞
Victoria, How do you change it? You change your approach. As you can see, trying harder and doing more doesn't work. -Dr. Kurt