You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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At Guy Stuff we work with couples facing a wide variety of problems. The love fading, being gone all together, or falling out of love are big ones for many partners in long-term relationships.
In fact, there are many couples who, after years together, completely ignore expressing love toward one another at all. A frequent complaint from wives in particular is that their husband never says, “I love you.”
For example, Julie, a wife I've been working with in marriage counseling, told me yesterday that last week her husband asked her for a hug for the first time in their 15-year marriage. She said over the years she had come to accept the lack of affection, even though she wasn’t happy about it, as how things were.
When he hugged her it made her realize that not only had that level of affection been missing, but that her husband had also never said “I love you” in nearly 15 years as well.
This realization was both sad and uncomfortable for her.
Shouldn’t a husband tell his wife he loves her with some regularity? At least at some point over 15-years?
When discussing her situation an article I read came to mind, Advice: He Never Says "I Love You", from Psychology Today.
I’m certain Julie can relate to these excerpts from the article. How about you?
See if you can relate to the wife in this article.
Here's the advice given by Psychology Today:
While this is an interesting article, I disagree with the Psychology Today response saying that this husband "can't" say "I love you.”
I would say it’s more likely that,
Or
I counsel the type of men this article describes and know from experience they can and do develop the ability to say "I love you," and turn it into a habit with the right help. (I’m one of them).
Yes, the phrase “I love you” is just words. But they’re powerful words.
Some people claim they don’t need to say it because they make a habit of showing it.
I say you need to do both.
A satisfying relationship takes work and effort. Too often we fall into routines and just assume that our partner knows how we feel.
And then, as years go by we accept the lack of attention we give our partner, or receive from our partner, as normal – much like the couple I described above.
But saying “I love you” to your partner or spouse should remind both of you that there’s supposed to be more to your relationship than getting through the day-to-day. Stating this helps to maintain the bond you’ve created and reinforces your connection to each other.
And we all need reminders that the person we’ve chosen to partner with for life still has genuine, deep feelings for us.
Yes, there is.
The words “I love you” have to go along with actions that show they’re true. Simply throwing the words, “I love you” out there from time to time isn’t enough.
The good news is that those actions can be as simple as the hug the husband described above gave to his wife – even if it was far, far overdue.
The bottom line is that love is not just a feeling, it's a choice and an action, and one that is learned with and reinforced by practice.
When a husband never says “I love you” to his wife it chips away at their relationship and leaves them vulnerable to much bigger problems. Wives, this goes for you too.
It’s far too easy for any of us to take our spouse for granted and overlook reminding them of their importance in our life by telling them we love them.
If you're like Julie, are married to a man who never says “I love you,” keep the following in mind:
As they say, “Actions speak louder than words.” So, if your husband never says, “I love you,” watch for behaviors that say what he doesn’t. He may be silently showing you he loves you every day. Still, tell him you need to hear the words too.
What part of this can you relate to? Please share a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 27, 2010, updated on January 22, 2019, updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
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I have been married for 2 years and 6 months now and my husband does not tell me he loves me at all anymore. He use to and even over the phone he always ended his conversation with "I Love You Babe" as a matter of fact he was the one to say those words first in our relationship. Y?
Subrina, You've got some possible reasons why in this article. Check out the other articles under the tag Love is Gone for other ideas. Have you asked him why he has stopped? -Kurt
My husband whom I love dearly never says I love you on his own or in response to my telling him. He will not kiss me goodbye or hug me and if I hug him he stands there with his arms down like a stiff log irritated, I do it anyways with a tight feeling in my chest like I'd like to cry as it hurts and I feel so rejected. Have we talked about it? Yes and the answer from him is I'm rediculous and am not his mom or his children and do not need to be told any of this and he doesn't like affection.
He does come from a family where it was displayed openly, his parents were madly in love until the day his dad died.
There are no sweet words... He calls me names like I'm one of the guys and if I tell him I'd wish he'd tell me I'm beautiful sometimes or just something other than crude names he becomes offended.
He shows appreciation to females he has little to do with and I've seen it. He does so with everyone except me.
I have given up...
I'm a maid and just there to be criticized... He may provide and show he cares by providing but emotionally and physically there is nothing.
And I can't live like this anymore.
Every day I start my day with this bad feeling deep inside full of rejection when I go to hug him goodbye and he makes cruel comments.
I'd rather be alone than have someone and feel this way.
Sarah, my husband too....except mine flat out states that he is not comfortable showing affection towards me because he no longer feels like doing it. We have been married 15 years and it has always been a challenging marriage. Honestly, it has gotten worse over the years. We have two children, so I am content to say that there has been a good year here and there, but at present it is awful. I am happy to have a day free from being told to shut up, name-called, and/or worse. I have my moments where I am sad and long for more, but don't want to ever spend a day away from the little ones.....
Iam dealing with that very problem of my husband not telling me he loves me, he will tell his daughter and grandchildren he loves and misses them but not me, he has had an emotional affair and also was starting a conversation with a woman at work that I intervened in...this has happened recently and him not showing me love and saying it is affecting my decisions to stay or leave. he does everything else for me..but its so hurtful when he doesnt.. he has never said that iam beautiful but i found a txt where he said it to the other woman... that hurts.. we have been married 13 yrs and no children,, we only have kids from previous marriage all grown and married. decided if i should stay or go...
Leticia, I have seen couples recover from an affair, but it takes work from both partners, and almost always with the help of a professional counselor since the process can be difficult. Only you can decide if staying or leaving is right for you. -Kurt
My husband had an emotional affair two years ago and repeatedly told her that he loved her. He chose to stay with me to avoid losing friends and family, they have continued communicating against my wishes. I have asked him the importance of saying the words "I love you" to me, his response is that he will do better. Four months later, nothing has changed and his response is, when am I going to get over this and move on. My love and respect for him is waning and I no longer care. We have been married for 37 years.
My boyfriend is somewhat emotionally unavailable, but trying to get better, and has in some areas, because he realizes if not, he'll end up alone forever (As he put it). He is 50, has two children in their 20's. I've never heard him tell them he loves them. He hardly tells me. I know he does by his actions and attention. I know his kids know by his devotion. I also know from his past, love equals pain to him, and it scares him. I want to say it to him, but am scared because of his pain in childhood from the ones who loved him most, it will cause him to feel smothered, scared, overwhelmed, whatever. So I hold it in, which I don't like, cause I'm trying to live an authentic life, radiating unconditional love from my heart chakra, and feels like this is not being true to my real self.
Also, I need to hear it sometimes.
Not everyday, but my dad never told my sister and I growing up that he loved us, even though I know 100% he absolutely did and probably more unconditionally than my mom, who did tell us did, it did bother me on some level.
I make it a point to regularly tell him how much I respect him and admire him for various masculine traits because I know this is important to him. I want to tell him in a kind way, "Honey, just like you know I respect and admire you, isn't it nice to hear? I need to hear I love you sometimes, too, because I'm just a girl and girls need to hear that". Also, I need to tell him I need to say it to him when my heart feels it, without him feeling scared, anxious, uncomfortable, or like he has to say it back every time. Would this conversation be too emotionally overwhelming? I read that guys can get too overwhelmed with women's feelings. How can I have this conversation?
Karen, I think what you wrote, "Honey, just like you know I respect and admire you, isn't it nice to hear? I need to hear I love you sometimes, too, because I'm just a girl and girls need to hear that", is a great way to start that conversation. If that is too overwhelming for him, maybe consider counseling so that you both can learn to express your feelings differently and communicate better. -Kurt