What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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It isn’t uncommon at all for couples to fall out of sync when it comes to their sex lives, but that doesn’t make it any less of an issue. Especially for the wife who’s feeling rejected and telling me in counseling, “My husband has no interest in having sex with me.”
There are many ups and downs in the life of a marriage. Every week I work with couples dealing with a wide variety of problems, but one of the most challenging and personal areas in a relationship are those involving sexual issues.
And when a husband no longer has any interest in having sex with his wife, that’s definitely a problem.
Below is a question I received from Renee, a wife who’s living in a marriage with no sex because her husband has lost interest. My advice to her follows.
Reader Question:
My husband has no interest in sex with me. I've been married to this good guy for 26 years. Great friend and wonderful father to our two elementary school aged children. He's always had a low libido. For the past 5 or more years he's had ED on top of it. He's seen medical doctors but even with prescriptions he has no interest in sex with me! I'm in my late 40's and feel like I'm wasting the prime of my life in a sexless marriage. I've been seeing an individual counselor for over a year and she had encouraged me to get him in counseling or us both in marriage counseling. I've done the research...he won't make the appointment. We communicate well but he makes no effort to resolve this problem. I feel like he knows I'm trapped. He is making me choose between our family and a sexless life. It makes me angry. Help. What do you suggest?" -Renee B.
Renee is in a difficult, but fairly common situation.
Sexless marriages happen more often than most people realize, and this circumstance can cause big problems for couples. Particularly when one partner has a strong sex drive and isn’t feeling satisfied.
Below is the advice I gave her.
My Answer:
Feeling trapped in your marriage is a feeling many spouses share, and not just wives, but men too. And it's easy to feel angry and resentful when we feel trapped.
I can't say at this point exactly why your husband has no interest in sex or won't go to marriage counseling. But I can tell you having worked with men with erectile dysfunction and other sexual performance problems, embarrassment and shame can be big contributors to their not wanting to talk to a counselor.
However, my guess would be that there's more going on here than just his having no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about it.
A lot of men refuse to go to counseling as a way to have power and control in the relationship. And unfortunately, a lot of wives don't realize how they hand this power right over to their husbands.
I hear you surrendering power in the statement, "He won't make the appointment."
I'm glad to hear that at least you're working with a counselor on your own. You're a step ahead of a lot of wives who surrender their power to do even that.
Here's what I suggest you do:
I can tell you that more than a few guys want to come to tell their side of the story. Even if he doesn't come, he'll probably be curious to know if you really went and what was said.
There are ways to discover why your husband has no interest in sex. Stop feeling trapped and get some help so you can learn how to change your sexless marriage.
How a marriage functions and whether it can still be healthy without sex is a more complicated question than it may seem. There are many variables to consider.
These are just a few considerations.
Generally speaking, a marriage without sex isn’t going to be as healthy or satisfying as those where sex occurs on a regular basis. However, this can vary from couple to couple and isn’t a necessity for happiness for all couples.
If both partners find themselves disinterested in maintaining a sexual connection, and they satisfy each other in other important ways, the relationship can still work well. But most often what occurs is an imbalance between their sexual desires, leaving one partner feeling frustrated, much like Renee in the question above.
Marriages with sexual dissatisfaction have a harder time in the long run. Sex in a relationship is about more than just achieving an orgasm, it helps bring us closer and builds an intimate connection that keeps the love strong. When that goes away, staying connected and keeping things healthy can become more challenging.
If your husband seems to have lost interest in sex with you, keep in mind:
If you find yourself in a situation like Renee’s and you too are saying, "My husband has no interest in having sex with me," then I encourage you to work at changing things.
Initiating change could be,
or,
Whatever the case, both partners need to feel that all their needs are being met in order for the relationship to survive and thrive. Clearly, when a wife is upset and seeking counseling because her husband is no longer interested in having sex with her, mutual satisfaction and happiness isn’t the state of things.
And that should never be ignored.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 17, 2012, updated January 2, 2019, and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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My husband would not get help for his ED 13 years ago. When I tried to get him help her refused. Then said his watching of porn on the internet was a substitute for sex with me. And oh ya, if I would lose 90 pounds I would be more attractive. He is balding, forgetful and 5 years older than me. I have always been a bombshell in bed. 13 years have gone by and my good friend is my vibrator.
Different me, we just married 1 year but long distance marriage its seem killing me seperated from husband. As i know my sex drive is high, at the point we have to believe in fact that time and thausand miles away flat us. I always asking my husband to do sex cam..... some reason and problem he had. But finnaly i see something off course make me feel sad,but give time to time to be with him to change and its work but this most be the last time i think i ask he have other reason again so iam an atractive woman feel shy that my husband hard to do that with the wife that he should do with.
so i finnaly confused now whice way i have to chose? divorce or patience again? Weird for me having sex between a 3month 3 time!!! He have reason have no desire to do that in cam. in real his good yes really but not when his there, we have to separated place bc work reason.dont want negative but tbh its seem something not normal.i read all here seem normal they have problem on after 10 or 25 yrs or more but were just turn 1 years marriage! i wish i can be more wise for this problem, bc we know we need and love each do not want to lose him but as normal woman i need a good sex with the right person i love. I hate to always imagine alone and my dild.... want to share wverything with him well were happy in love but not on right side of great sex Husband and wife.
My hubi spend more time on the pc, he claim he is watching a market, the pc go to the bathroom , basement where ever he is, also we have 3 kids , he say he isn't day person So he sleep day day if he can and say he watch tv or movie until 3am , and end up sleeping in the basement , we haven't have sex for two weeks same time , he claim I am in my period ,
well have to tell you am looking for advice i have been married for 18 years i was happy with my husband.But 4 years ago he desired to go back to school so i support him he get into a university in california so we move there but i coundnt find a job so i desired to go back to the state where we as a family live together so we where for apart 4 years i was working 2 jobs trying to support my husband and my youngest daughter so almost a year ago he finally get his master and find a job at the same state he went to school but money was not enough i keep working the 2 jobs we were still apart well 8 months ago he told me he was not in love with me anymore and he move on that was devastated for me because in my mind was after his done with the school he will comeback again where we use to live before but in stead he desired to stay so i have been having a hard time to picture my self i lost my family after a big sacrifice so am lost i keep calling my husband we still married we leave separated but i keep asking my husband if is anyway we can save the married but he keep saying no because i never make him happy the hurt a lot because he never mentioned to me before .i want to save my married but he doesn't want it so i do not know what to do i told him we can look for counseling together but he keep saying no because he felt out of love with me feel like he doesn't want to try and when i ask him if is any hope for as he keep saying he doesn't know and i just feel very confuse because he say he doesn't know but my youngest daughter still with him. i love both of them and i would like to get back into their life but he doesn't give me a good answer and the frustrate because even when we talk sometimes by phone he doesn't want to talk about the relationship he talk to me just as a friend but keep telling him i do not want his friendship i would like to have my husband back and be together as a family but he doesn't want to hear he also change his voice when he talks to me sounds like he hate me and i don't know what to do i have been attending counseling in my own and also he told me he has been attending counseling in his own but nothing to do with me i keep asking him if he wants we can look for a couple counselor together but he doesn't want too so i do not know what to do i feel like already loose my family and i am so sad cry every night about the whole situation please give me and advice you think is a possible to still save the married.I don't want to give up i love my family what else we can do or what i can do to save the married .please let me know ok please .i will wait for your answer thank you for you support and give me a support and please let me know what can do . or how can aproach him or can save my married
April, I'm glad to hear that you both are in counseling because that's going to be the best place to find the answers you're seeking. Read through the articles under the topic Love is Gone for some tips of what you can do, but your counselor is going to be the best one to advise you since he or she knows your situation much better than I do. -Kurt
Get an divorce lawyer and sue him for everything including half of his future earnings. You paid for his masters degree
I'm 9 years older than my wife, and she thinks I have lost interest on sex. Viagra and Cialis don't get you excited, they help you once you get that way. My problem isn't desire, it's appearance. I'm 6'3 and 230, so a little overweight, but not too much. On the other hand, my wife is 5'4", is also 230. Sex is a very visual thing for men. My wife just doesn't get me going, and it's because she has no will power and has gotten so out of ahape.
Close your eyes. Turn the lights off and play some heavy rock music.Pretend she is your favorite Sex Queen