What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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It isn’t uncommon at all for couples to fall out of sync when it comes to their sex lives, but that doesn’t make it any less of an issue. Especially for the wife who’s feeling rejected and telling me in counseling, “My husband has no interest in having sex with me.”
There are many ups and downs in the life of a marriage. Every week I work with couples dealing with a wide variety of problems, but one of the most challenging and personal areas in a relationship are those involving sexual issues.
And when a husband no longer has any interest in having sex with his wife, that’s definitely a problem.
Below is a question I received from Renee, a wife who’s living in a marriage with no sex because her husband has lost interest. My advice to her follows.
Reader Question:
My husband has no interest in sex with me. I've been married to this good guy for 26 years. Great friend and wonderful father to our two elementary school aged children. He's always had a low libido. For the past 5 or more years he's had ED on top of it. He's seen medical doctors but even with prescriptions he has no interest in sex with me! I'm in my late 40's and feel like I'm wasting the prime of my life in a sexless marriage. I've been seeing an individual counselor for over a year and she had encouraged me to get him in counseling or us both in marriage counseling. I've done the research...he won't make the appointment. We communicate well but he makes no effort to resolve this problem. I feel like he knows I'm trapped. He is making me choose between our family and a sexless life. It makes me angry. Help. What do you suggest?" -Renee B.
Renee is in a difficult, but fairly common situation.
Sexless marriages happen more often than most people realize, and this circumstance can cause big problems for couples. Particularly when one partner has a strong sex drive and isn’t feeling satisfied.
Below is the advice I gave her.
My Answer:
Feeling trapped in your marriage is a feeling many spouses share, and not just wives, but men too. And it's easy to feel angry and resentful when we feel trapped.
I can't say at this point exactly why your husband has no interest in sex or won't go to marriage counseling. But I can tell you having worked with men with erectile dysfunction and other sexual performance problems, embarrassment and shame can be big contributors to their not wanting to talk to a counselor.
However, my guess would be that there's more going on here than just his having no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about it.
A lot of men refuse to go to counseling as a way to have power and control in the relationship. And unfortunately, a lot of wives don't realize how they hand this power right over to their husbands.
I hear you surrendering power in the statement, "He won't make the appointment."
I'm glad to hear that at least you're working with a counselor on your own. You're a step ahead of a lot of wives who surrender their power to do even that.
Here's what I suggest you do:
I can tell you that more than a few guys want to come to tell their side of the story. Even if he doesn't come, he'll probably be curious to know if you really went and what was said.
There are ways to discover why your husband has no interest in sex. Stop feeling trapped and get some help so you can learn how to change your sexless marriage.
How a marriage functions and whether it can still be healthy without sex is a more complicated question than it may seem. There are many variables to consider.
These are just a few considerations.
Generally speaking, a marriage without sex isn’t going to be as healthy or satisfying as those where sex occurs on a regular basis. However, this can vary from couple to couple and isn’t a necessity for happiness for all couples.
If both partners find themselves disinterested in maintaining a sexual connection, and they satisfy each other in other important ways, the relationship can still work well. But most often what occurs is an imbalance between their sexual desires, leaving one partner feeling frustrated, much like Renee in the question above.
Marriages with sexual dissatisfaction have a harder time in the long run. Sex in a relationship is about more than just achieving an orgasm, it helps bring us closer and builds an intimate connection that keeps the love strong. When that goes away, staying connected and keeping things healthy can become more challenging.
If your husband seems to have lost interest in sex with you, keep in mind:
If you find yourself in a situation like Renee’s and you too are saying, "My husband has no interest in having sex with me," then I encourage you to work at changing things.
Initiating change could be,
or,
Whatever the case, both partners need to feel that all their needs are being met in order for the relationship to survive and thrive. Clearly, when a wife is upset and seeking counseling because her husband is no longer interested in having sex with her, mutual satisfaction and happiness isn’t the state of things.
And that should never be ignored.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 17, 2012, updated January 2, 2019, and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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I don't know what to do, been with my hibby 19 years and went from sex every day to twice a year if I'm lucky! I honestly love him and don't want a divorce but I can't take it anymore. I need something more...
Did you insult his penis? Did you tell him youve had bigger? Or that he's "no big deal". There's your problem. I don't know how you can fix that. I don't think it's possible. You've permanently destroyed his self confidence. But no one's going to tell you that. The diagnosis will be E.D.
So here is another interesting point I have found on this overall site. If you compare the directions given to men versus women on the topic of “my husband/wife is not interested in sex,” you get very different approaches. All of the approaches have to do with figuring out how to get the husband to fix themselves. For the wife that isn’t interested (companion article to this one) there are 7 do’s and 7 don’ts for the man to work on. For this one, the action for the women is “get you man to counseling” so he can be fixed. I wish there was a universe where hard working, devoted, family men were actually rewarded in a relationship for ANYTHING. I have killed myself working, providing, paying for everybody’s college (including wife), no personal vacations (although wife has been on several), no car as I work from home, donated an organ, completely monogamous (first and only), etc. But now I have my 14 point task list to fix myself, awesome!
Hey Ron, You made the following comment on our article, 4 Reasons Why Guys Get Mad When You Say No (to Sex) - "Wow, the ONE article in the universe that merely “suggests” women can do the slightest thing and the women in the comments are completely triggered." It sounds like you're doing the same thing here. I disagree with you on this point - "All of the approaches have to do with figuring out how to get the husband to fix themselves." Our goal in all cases is to get both sexes to look at themselves and what they can do differently to improve their situation, as opposed to lashing out at and blaming the opposite sex. You have some insightful points in your comments, I hope you'll take a look at where you could be doing what you're noticing in others. Almost everyone who visits our site is in pain, and that pain can lead us to do what you correctly note we should not. Thanks for commenting. -Dr. Kurt
Thanks for the comment Doctor Kurt Smith, appreciate the insight and even correlating to the other comments. In general, this site provides the broadest collection of relevant topics for men. However, I am continually frustrated by my, perhaps unique, situation. I feel that I have spent my life (50 years) working my physical and mental body into the ground for everybody around me. I now find myself in a place where there is a never ending set of hands out, without any consideration to do anything meaningful in reciprocation. While I watch everybody doing what they want, buying what they want, and generally looking out for themselves, I continue to scrimp, save, and work to support it. Then you get to all of these articles that are basically highlighting/implying how men are generally self-centered, weak minded, impulsive, shallow, etc. I guess I’m just tired of living in a world where the goal post is continually moving and the rewards are evaporating for being a man. It seems like the same world that expects everything, but wants to give nothing in return is shocked with the behavior that is being created. I get that their should be balance, and certainly equality, but I would certainly love to live in a world where there is the safety fallback of … “I’ll just find a woman to take care of me.” I know this seems ridiculous, but I am tired and don’t really care what happens anymore.