What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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It isn’t uncommon at all for couples to fall out of sync when it comes to their sex lives, but that doesn’t make it any less of an issue. Especially for the wife who’s feeling rejected and telling me in counseling, “My husband has no interest in having sex with me.”
There are many ups and downs in the life of a marriage. Every week I work with couples dealing with a wide variety of problems, but one of the most challenging and personal areas in a relationship are those involving sexual issues.
And when a husband no longer has any interest in having sex with his wife, that’s definitely a problem.
Below is a question I received from Renee, a wife who’s living in a marriage with no sex because her husband has lost interest. My advice to her follows.
Reader Question:
My husband has no interest in sex with me. I've been married to this good guy for 26 years. Great friend and wonderful father to our two elementary school aged children. He's always had a low libido. For the past 5 or more years he's had ED on top of it. He's seen medical doctors but even with prescriptions he has no interest in sex with me! I'm in my late 40's and feel like I'm wasting the prime of my life in a sexless marriage. I've been seeing an individual counselor for over a year and she had encouraged me to get him in counseling or us both in marriage counseling. I've done the research...he won't make the appointment. We communicate well but he makes no effort to resolve this problem. I feel like he knows I'm trapped. He is making me choose between our family and a sexless life. It makes me angry. Help. What do you suggest?" -Renee B.
Renee is in a difficult, but fairly common situation.
Sexless marriages happen more often than most people realize, and this circumstance can cause big problems for couples. Particularly when one partner has a strong sex drive and isn’t feeling satisfied.
Below is the advice I gave her.
My Answer:
Feeling trapped in your marriage is a feeling many spouses share, and not just wives, but men too. And it's easy to feel angry and resentful when we feel trapped.
I can't say at this point exactly why your husband has no interest in sex or won't go to marriage counseling. But I can tell you having worked with men with erectile dysfunction and other sexual performance problems, embarrassment and shame can be big contributors to their not wanting to talk to a counselor.
However, my guess would be that there's more going on here than just his having no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about it.
A lot of men refuse to go to counseling as a way to have power and control in the relationship. And unfortunately, a lot of wives don't realize how they hand this power right over to their husbands.
I hear you surrendering power in the statement, "He won't make the appointment."
I'm glad to hear that at least you're working with a counselor on your own. You're a step ahead of a lot of wives who surrender their power to do even that.
Here's what I suggest you do:
I can tell you that more than a few guys want to come to tell their side of the story. Even if he doesn't come, he'll probably be curious to know if you really went and what was said.
There are ways to discover why your husband has no interest in sex. Stop feeling trapped and get some help so you can learn how to change your sexless marriage.
How a marriage functions and whether it can still be healthy without sex is a more complicated question than it may seem. There are many variables to consider.
These are just a few considerations.
Generally speaking, a marriage without sex isn’t going to be as healthy or satisfying as those where sex occurs on a regular basis. However, this can vary from couple to couple and isn’t a necessity for happiness for all couples.
If both partners find themselves disinterested in maintaining a sexual connection, and they satisfy each other in other important ways, the relationship can still work well. But most often what occurs is an imbalance between their sexual desires, leaving one partner feeling frustrated, much like Renee in the question above.
Marriages with sexual dissatisfaction have a harder time in the long run. Sex in a relationship is about more than just achieving an orgasm, it helps bring us closer and builds an intimate connection that keeps the love strong. When that goes away, staying connected and keeping things healthy can become more challenging.
If your husband seems to have lost interest in sex with you, keep in mind:
If you find yourself in a situation like Renee’s and you too are saying, "My husband has no interest in having sex with me," then I encourage you to work at changing things.
Initiating change could be,
or,
Whatever the case, both partners need to feel that all their needs are being met in order for the relationship to survive and thrive. Clearly, when a wife is upset and seeking counseling because her husband is no longer interested in having sex with her, mutual satisfaction and happiness isn’t the state of things.
And that should never be ignored.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 17, 2012, updated January 2, 2019, and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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I married my husband after been a widow for four years. I was totally in love with him and sex was good at the beginning but there was something strange, for about a year or ao I felt like he was having sex with me but not finish, then suddenly it started happening and it was very nice for about two years and then he started losing interest. I thought he had some health issue and I tried to talk about it, but every time he would dismiss me. We had several fights because I wanted him to see a doctor and he would not go until I told him I felt that we needed a time out to think what we wanted to so and we stayed way from each other for a month. After that he went to the doctor who failed to realize that he had a heart condition and started treating him for high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Things got worse and finally I forced him to go to a doctor I knew and five days later he had a triple bypass. Long story shory, I am really happy that he is recovering really well and I am sure he will be better then ever, but I have this horrible feeling that his interest in me is un existent. He is a very nice man but I don't believe he does have sexual interest in me. I am extremely frustrated, I always took a very good care of my self, but now I find it is not worthwhile, I don't even want to dress up or wear high heels when I go out with him anymore. I am sorry to come out with my story that is nothing in comparison to other I have read here, but even though I am not the type of a person that get depressed easily, I am finding myself crying for no reason and I felt like taking it out of my chest. Thank you and I really wish all the best to you all.
No sex since 2004. Prior had sex occasionally but he stopped every 2 min because he was “tired”.
No affection unless I initiate but it is only a kiss or ILY. All I get is a “V” sign. If I want to have actual touching I do the same thing and we touch. This lack of relationship is obvious and someone thought I was his sister.
PC/iPad on kitchen table and he eats there. He is addicted (5-7 hrs/day). Added office 7 yrs ago but won't move in.
Living room full so no furniture. Suggested we clean it, told me to hire someone to help.
Refuses to have cell phone, has Facebook/Gmail for years and never told me. Suggested seeing a counselor but he said we don't need one. He goes to one but won't tell me why.
Cleaning kitchen multiple times every evening. He’s such a slob the floor looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in days.
Feeds birds/cleans up some. Smaller one poops everywhere, countertops, kitchen floor, chairs, table, stove, his sofa but won’t clean it up even though I plead with him to.
Washes his clothes, some cooking, some vacuuming. It’s the least he owes this "roommate".
Disrespect has a lot to do with our situation. Denying affection/sex IS disrespecting your spouse. This disrespect has lead to many of the issues mentioned here.
I’m in my 60s and staying. Divorces are expensive.
When his time comes, I’m not dragging out the process.
Sounds like he is a loser. Send him home to his Momma. He never grew up
My wife and I almost never have sex because she let her body go to hell. Sorry. Sex is a very visual experience for most men, and in my case, my spouse does not excite me. I'm 6'4 and 230, and just slightly over weight, but my wife is 5'2, and 225. When we met, she was 120 lbs.
I have been married for almost two years and for the past 10 months my husband has no sex drive. Our son is 8 months he says it has nothing to do with that. But like we lay in bed and nothing he can’t even touch me or hold me. I am so depressed and I feel so lonely. And when I bring up anything he says he does not even understand. I don’t know what to do I have needs and he just pushes them away because he’s not in the mood. I can not live my life like this for ever, I need someone to want me to touch me I hate my life I’m living. I told him he was selfish and still nothing he doesn’t even tell me I’m pretty anymore or anything. I feel like my marriage is ruined because of him. Please someone help I need advice.
Melanie, Without speaking to him I can't offer specific insight as to what is causing his low libido. Changes in your lives since the baby may be weighing on him in ways he doesn't even recognize yet. It may seem strange, but a certain number of men do experience postpartum depression, and depression in men can definitely affect sex drive. Counseling may be a good option to help him sort through his feelings. If he won't consider that I suggest you exercise as much patience and caring as you are able. Your love and support may help turn things around. -Dr. Kurt
A year we met on line, first date Nov and moved in together following June. We're both 60 and have so much in common, it's really great! Walking hills, cycling, camping, making plans for the future. Planning our retirement. Loving every minute. He said he takes Viagra and I told him that was okay by me. The sex was good. Then it all stopped! Time line around the time I moved in. Has told me if he never had sex again it wouldn't bother him. I said it bothers me and he said you're with the wrong guy! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Anyway, we have such a great time other than the lack of affection. I want to run away, I want to stay and not be bothered. I get four kisses a day, good morning, off to work, back from work and good night. I approach him for cuddles, holding hands. I want to feel close and it's hard. He said take a lover as long as you come home at night, not sure if he was joking. He cooks, does loads for me. It's like we've been waiting all our lives for each other. Both been married twice. I don't know which way to turn. Thanks for listening.