There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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When you've been cheated on there are so many 'why' questions you want the answers to as you try to make sense of what's happened. One of the biggest is why do people cheat on people they love?
And having a partner who cheated but says they still love you only complicates the confusion around this question all the more. And leads to one overwhelming question - how can somebody love someone and cheat on them at the same time?
Caring for and loving someone should preclude a person from cheating on and hurting them, right?
Yes, it should.
But that doesn't mean someone can't deceive themself, deny the truth about their cheating, and tell themself they still love their partner despite choosing actions that are the complete opposite.
We’re all capable of twisting reality and creating our own narrative that makes our behavior seem acceptable. This is one of the reasons why people can cheat on people they love and still claim to love them.
Take a look at Megan’s comment below to understand more about what I mean.
I have been with my now husband for 12 years. We only just got married after being together for 10 years. We met when I was 16 and have been together since. Over the course of our relationship he has battled denial about his addictions. With addiction there has been lies and job losses and home losses. I have stuck by him throughout it all. The summer of our 10 year anniversary, we were struggling financially on the brink of eviction. He left the state we were living in while I stayed behind with our children. He was to stay at his mom's place to work and find us a place. As soon as he left I felt "it", something was definitely off. I think I knew then but didn't want to accept it, was in denial. I took the excuses of why he couldn't talk on the phone or why he couldn't come visit. That was until I was told by a family member and couldn't deny it any longer. Once it came to light fully, so to speak. He said that it was over, that it was something that he couldn't take back. That he wasn't coming back to me. And then he did. He ended the affair and he came and got the kids and I and we moved and he finally married me. But he says that he doesn't have a reason why he did it, he said that it had nothing to do with me. But that doesn't make any sense to me. How could you cheat on someone you say you love?.... Could he do it again?" -Megan
Deep down we're all inherently selfish. We have to be to survive. If we weren't, and were too self-sacrificing, we'd give all of our food to others, starve, and die.
Some level of selfishness is necessary and healthy. Too much selfish behavior, however, causes problems.
When people cheat they're in a very selfish, extreme, it's 'all about me' mode. The people a cheater loves becomes secondary, or more accurately, they get ignored and forgotten.
When someone is that focused on themselves they think only of the immediate gratification their actions bring, not the damage they may be doing. That feel good high comes from infatuation, lust, and the thrill that accompanies new love.
Most of us can relate to the state of mind that these feelings create. The powerful chemicals released in the brain have a similar effect as on junkie craving drugs, so nothing else matters but getting that high again. The same is true when cheating.
While many times cheating can appear to be just about sex, it is almost always about so much more.
Why else do people cheat on people they love?
Often it’s to fill a hole in their own self-esteem and feeling of self-worth. But this isn’t something that’s the fault of their partner.
Many partners who cheat feel they’re entitled to cheat because they aren't getting what they believe they deserve from their present partner.
We all crave acceptance, respect, love, and to be wanted and praised. If a person feels they aren’t getting these things in their current relationship they may seek them elsewhere.
If their relationship has become predictable and boring – something that can happen when you’re in the thick of raising a family and dealing with the challenges of day-to-day life – a person may feel tempted to cheat.
Of course, none of these are true justifications for this wrong behavior.
The reasons for cheating on someone you love vary from person-to-person, but they're all about fulfilling an unmet need.
As contradictory as it may sound, your partner can cheat on you and still love you. It's just that their needs come first and take priority over loving you.
Take a look at Teresa’s story to understand what I mean.
Two days ago, my husband confided in me what I had been suspecting for years. He had a year long sexual affair with a co worker 15 years ago. When I look back on that time, our son was four. He brought his lover into our home and dropped her daughter off for me to babysit so they could go into work together, then brought her back to pick her daughter back up four hours later. Two days ago I learned that on that day, he actually had me watch her daughter so they could go have sex in an abandoned building where they worked. I felt sick. I am so hurt. I had trust issues before this and feel like I cannot trust anyone now. He held this information for 15 years, he keeps saying it was so long ago and he is different now, but I can't bring myself to forgive. It feels fresh to me. He slept with her over 50 times in a span of over a year and had me watch her kid while he did it. Brought her to my home to pick up her kid after being intimate with her - that is the part that hurts me the most I think, he used me to have the affair in addition to betraying me. When she wanted a commitment with him he moved us to another state (I thought it was to be with his parents). He does not have contact with her and hasn't since we moved. He wants me to go to a counselor and says he is sorry. I asked him to leave and he is staying with his parents. My son, now nineteen years old, knows and is handling things well, but my eleven year old is starting to ask questions. I have agreed to see a counselor but have told him I don't see me staying married to him. To cheat under your wife's nose is just inhumane, she was incredibly unattractive so he had no standards - which just shatters my ego. I am numb and feel so angry. Once a cheater always a cheater, right?" -Teresa
Teresa's right when she says, "to cheat under your wife's nose is just inhumane."
Her husband cheated and likely believed he still loved her while he was doing so. Cheating on someone you love requires a combination of twisted logic, distorted state of reality, and delusional thinking.
A typical pattern seen when people cheat is alternation between periods of being loving, such as a husband putting the kids to bed so his wife can get a break, and periods of unloving behavior, like not coming home on time because he's with the other woman.
Teresa's also right that "he used me to have the affair."
Obviously, there's some deep psychology required to answer the question, “Why do people cheat on people they love?”
For this reason, it’s a wise idea for Teresa to get help from a counselor in order to sort through all of the confusing contradictions. Having an objective and experienced professional to guide you through the maze of crazy behavior and twisted thinking is usually a necessity in order to get your sanity back.
Unfortunately, most people who cheat don’t seek advice prior to having an affair. A great deal of pain could be avoided if they did, however.
If a person is considering cheating and has the presence of mind to think twice before acting, there is something they should understand. There is no way to justify or truly separate the love you have for your partner and cheating.
Cheating will temporarily make you feel good, but it will not fix things or make life better. In fact, in the long-term it will make your life significantly more complicated and uncomfortable.
The temptation to cheat should be considered a red flag and call-to-action regarding your needs and the state of your relationship.
When it's been done to you, understanding why people cheat on people they love is one of the hardest things to comprehend. Because it's so personal and the pain hurts so deep, it's very hard to be objective and see how it's really motivated by selfishness and not about hurting you. But you too should consider it a symptom of something larger that needs to be addressed. Even if you and your partner still love one another, cheating is a sure sign that some thing’s are not right.
Have you had someone you love cheat on you? Please share your story with others by leaving a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 22, 2017 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I don't know what to do. I finally found solid proof that my spouse (6+yrs together) has been lying & cheating. And the worst part about it all, is this isn't the first time. It's happened one too many times. How can he be intimate with me and literally lie to my face like that?? Im a bit embarrassed even writing this comment because I know if it were me reading this comment, then the answer would probably be obvious..He's promised me every time that he is so sorry that he f****d up that he loves me and is angry with himself for how he hurt me... But why does he keep slipping up? I'm afraid he's not ever going to change. I think my only option at this point is to end this relationship for good this time. Truth is it's gotten harder for me to be around him. I have a lot of resentment and distrust. And it feels like I find myself questioning anything he tells me. And before I found the proof on his phone, it felt like I knew,deep down I knew he was up to something but I was in denial or scared of what I would find. I'm really upset :/ I want to hate him so bad for having hurt me but I realize that is not healthy. I wonder how long it will take for me to not feel this horrible..
I don't know what to do, please help me. My marriage is just a week old and it's already shaking... We started dating earlier this year although we have known each other for a while. Around the 3rd month of the year we got very serious and he always talked about wanting a baby with me and marriage. Although I suspected and confirmed he still has affairs with some of his ex, I confirmed it when I got pregnant later in May. On this very day when I told him I confirmed I was pregnant, he didn't seem so happy and for someone who has been on and on about having a child it was suspicious. I started making findings and found out one of his ex's with whom he still has contact with was pregnant as well. It was so hard for me to bear because he left me in the house for a business trip when he got her pregnant. I didn't speak to him about it because I felt the love we shared was strong and he would open up. In July I went to meet his family officially and we started preparations for our wedding. I asked him about it and he denied it saying she is a friend and was just helping out because the father of her child abandoned her. I cried my eyes out that day and couldn't believe that he did lie to my face like that. 16days to our wedding I told a friend about it because I couldn't bear it no more and was losing my mind, he noticed I was crying and checked my phone. He then discovered I knew and sat me down to talk about it. He begged that he was sorry and even showed me the lady's chat that shows she knew about me and didn't want to have anything to do with him. I am big on trust and commitment no doubt but I couldn't call off the wedding because I can't have my parents bear the shame considering my culture and religion but also I love him alot.
We got married and 6days after he went for a friend's party that we have been planning to go together for over a month. He wouldn't let me go in the name that he would be too busy there to have time for me and doesn't want to stress me. Little did he know I already found his chat with the lady he went with, I confirmed he had sex with her following the chat they had when he was back the next day. It's been 2days and I feel so disgusted that he would lay with another woman just a week after our wedding. I have been secretly following their chats and he is busy professing love to her and to me and my unborn child. I am about 6months pregnant now and less than 2weeks married to the love of my life while he is back to being just a promiscuous young man. I don't know what to do or how to go about this issue, thinking of telling my mom but I doubt she can handle this much and it just keep leaving me in tears....
Rafiat, Talking with a professional with psychological training would be more helpful than speaking with your mother. While she will likely have your best interests at heart, she doesn't have the experience to help you and is too close to you to be objective. I would ask your husband to join you in talking with someone, and if he won't then do it by yourself. -Dr. Kurt
Iam 22 I’ve known my finance since we were 13... we had our first child when I was 17 and our second when I was 20. Throughout the years before our second child i found out about him texting other women and creating online dating profiles when he was away at college. I never caught him doing anything physically but honestly I think it’s things he will take to his grave before he admits to it. Now 6 weeks after I had our second child I found out he had been seeing his coworker for a month. I found out when I left town to visit my family for the holidays he had her in our home. I tried to work it out but I couldn’t trust him and I found myself being way to insecure. So I left him I sent him back to his parents house while I kept our home he told this girl was gonna be his once we split, I bought a new car ( he was way to proud to tell me she drove a Mercedes) I got a new boyfriend and i honestly felt I was getting over him until I found out I was pregnant by my new boyfriend. Reality set in quick that I wasn’t ready to start a new family and I didn’t feel safe taking the risk of having a baby with this guy and I know a baby is a permanent decision I decided not to keep it and i had to end my relationship as I still had feelings for my ex, I told him about the pregnancy and i that I still loved him but we still had a problem, his relationship continued with the coworker all that time so I told him call her in front of me and let her know it’s over. He did just that. We moved on and he proposed to me. I said yes wrongfully knowing I still had resentment for the way he betrayed me and I felt he still didn’t know the pain he caused me. I started a new job where I met a coworker in the same exact way he described how he cheated, I felt we switched roles and here iam in his position now I hold the power and i used it. After the first day I saw the guy out of work I ended things with my fiancé as I don’t like being sneaky and I knew I was about to do something bad because I was feeling I had the power to show him the pain he showed me. He was broken but I felt after all the wrong he did me he had to feel my pain. Then boom I got pregnant and I did the same thing didn’t keep it and got back with my ex fiancé. I felt like I got my revenge but I still hurt to this day and have nightmares about what he did after I had our second Child. You would think I would feel even or that if anything I did more damage but the things I did never would’ve happened had he not opened that door so many times. I was deeply in love to the point where I barely found men attractive i truly only had eyes for him but he abused that and now we are back together feeling like we got all the temptation out our system about to get married but why after I got my revenge am I still hurt from what started this all? He’s changed and I should appreciate it but i fear it was to late he decided to change & I think it’s because he knows how that men are easily attracted to me and I could do the same as him he wants do right. Oh and also he doesn’t know my real job. I’m a webcam model and hearing all these men confess how often they cheat I think makes it even harder to trust men. I know I should feel even and should move on but I feel he made me a cold hearted monster. I had anxiety, panic attacks, my breast milk even dried up and it was hard to feed my son he broke me so bad and now I’m whole again and I don’t even know who this girl is i became.
I have been married over 35 years, I found out my husband cheated on me with an employee, 6 years after it happened, this was 30 years ago. I forgave him we went to counseling, although he was not completely honest at the time. I recently confronted him about other suspicions I have had but maybe put in my subconscious, because my suspitions were too difficult to deal with. Yes, he continued to cheat on me with his others...more employees, at least 2 more that I know of. He admitted it to me and said he was stupid. My heart is broken a second time. He has lied, cheated and more. I am crazy to be living with him. Of course the past 20 years we have had kids, moved, he has changed and grown up, but this is still his character. I was making plans to leave, discussing it with him...it was really bad - my hurt. Then I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and had to fight for my life. He helped me beat it. I guess I am kind of stuck. I know he loves me, but how could he do this to us. I can tolerate him and enjoy his company as a friend but I know I am no longer in love with him. He knows this but doesn't care. I am near the end of my life...I am just trying hard to live. So, I bury my hurt and to on, but it creeps up every now and them. What a horrible partner I chose to marry all these years. He is an alcoholic and was really a raging alcoholic when he slept with ugly, desperate alcoholic employees ...what a bunch of losers. He has never had a lot of attention from women and has a huge selfish ego. I have wasted so much time and don't have much time left. Trying to stay neutral for my kids, they beg me to forgive him. I just can't get past it.
My name is Brandon. I’m 34 years old and my wife is 29. I quit my job a year ago to help build a business with my wife that has flourished. I was getting ready to do some work on an iPad that was used not so frequently and when I opened it I found texts sent to another guy over a year long span flirting back and forth. The night before I had watched our two you children so she could go to a meditation class with some friends. After finding out about this guy I found out that she was actually on a date with this guy. The week prior she had went to lunch with him while I was working and had our 2 year old daughter with her. I was in distraught. She told me the only thing they had done was make out. I don’t know if I can believe that. She says she is sorry and wants to try to fix things but I’ve seen other things where she was talking to an ex from 12 years ago and she has denied the texts, says they only spoke through Facebook. Phone records show otherwise. I feel as if she can’t be up front and honest with me. Being that we have been working together for over a year and the business is in her name, if I leave it leaves me homeless and broke till I can get back on my feet. I love her but I don’t know what’s real anymore.