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Aren't the holidays supposed to be joyful? And not just Christmas and New Year's, but birthdays and the 4th of July are supposed to be happy times too. Well, they aren't for everyone, so if you're saying, "I'm depressed - What do I do?" this time of the year, then you're far from alone.
It's not unusual at all for people to feel down during the holidays, and even have the thought that "maybe I'm depressed." So, if that’s you, you’re not alone.
Despite the opportunities to be around others (family, friends, coworkers) celebrating, holidays can be some of the loneliest times of the year for many of us. This is one of the biggest reasons some people say, "I hate the holidays."
And sadly, depression at this time of year, or depression that has gone untreated at any time of year, can lead to problems with addictions and other forms of self-medication, or ways to escape or avoid others and their joy.
If you're already not feeling good about something in your life, then this time of year can make those feelings even worse.
When everyone else looks so happy and you're not, or others expect you to be happy and you're not, it only compounds the despair you're feeling and can make you feel even more down.
This can be especially true for people who are newly separated or divorced. Starting a new stage in life means huge change and adjustment, and the holidays can make it even more difficult.
This time of year can be particularly miserable if you're thinking about ending a relationship but haven't done it yet, or if you want to be with someone else but aren't.
Of course, the holidays aren’t the only time people feel down. Depression, especially in the recent years, is at record levels. And although there are many external factors that can contribute to feeling depressed, there are also certain things within our control that play a role.
So, if I'm depressed, what can I do about it?
Well, start by considering your own behavior. There are habits many of us have that don't help. Here are 3 of them to think about how much you may do:
1. Focusing on what you don't have. This can be a tough at certain times of the year, like at Christmas or our birthday, when we typically get asked what we want.
This question may lead many of us to think about things that can’t be wrapped in pretty paper and given as a gift. The honest answer of what we truly want can be a painful one to say out loud. For instance,
Unfortunately, none of these are things that be offered as a gift, but focusing on these painful desires to the exclusion of almost everything else can lead to depression.
It's really easy to focus on what we want, but don't have. It doesn't matter if it's a different job, happier relationship, where we are in life. When we make our focus what we don't have, we fuel our discontent and bring ourselves down.
Instead, try putting your focus on being grateful for what you do have, not unhappy about what you don't. This can be hard, but it's also doable.
2. Comparing your life to the lives of others. This is particularly hard not to do around Thanksgiving and Christmas, especially if you don't have the relationship or family life that you want.
At this time of year, it can seem like everyone else is happy but me, everyone else is in a loving relationship but me, or that everyone else has family to spend time with but me.
Comparing ourselves to others is not good for us because it only serves to highlight what others have that you want and creates a false impression of someone else’s reality.
We want to believe other people are as happy as they appear or we think they are, but no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.
So, if you’re thinking, "I'm depressed. What can I do about it?" one thing to do is to stop comparing your life to others.
3. Expectations are one of the biggest traps for feeling depressed. Take a look at your expectations. Unrealistic, impractical, or impossible expectations can cause us to feel down, depressed, and hopeless.
"I'm feeling depressed. Is there anything I can do?" Yes, make sure your expectations are appropriate.
Think for a minute about how the media, social media, and advertising encourages, and even promotes, these 3 habits:
Getting us to do this is how they get readers, viewers, and customers. But it only creates unhappiness for us.
Depression is a serious condition and shouldn’t be taken lightly or allowed to persist. If you’re depressed, however, it can feel difficult if not impossible to find a way out of it.
Unfortunately, depression doesn’t go away on it’s own. It requires effort and very often assistance. Forcing yourself to be around people you trust and confide in is necessary.
Feeling down has a lot to do with our thinking and the choices we make. If you say, "I'm depressed," then following that by asking, "what can I do about it?" is a good place to start.
Make a list of some of the possible changes you can make based on what we've discussed. In that list you should include the family and friends that can be a support network.
The good news is that you don’t have to stay depressed, you can make changes in how you’re thinking that get you back to a more positive mental state. One of your first acts should be considering the points above and how they might apply to you.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 15, 2015 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Try to find relief before happiness. That works better than the quantum leap. Ask yourself where the sadness came from, go back to that time and pretend it's a house of cards, pull out the bottom card and let the pain collapse. Then think of one thing that makes you feel a bit of relief. Example, I'm about to eat an apple pie or a piece of sugary chocolate. Dont think about the negative side to the treat, focus only on what you like about it even if that means it just tastes nice, it gives me relief for a few seconds etc. Focus 5 minutes at a time. Next 5 minutes, I'm going to watch a show and it doesn't matter whether I enjoy it or not. Being grateful for the smallest thing may help you.
my boyfriend hates the holiday and he feels depressed on that day, how can i help him?
my, Sorry for the late reply. Holidays can be tricky for many of us. Maybe try doing some different for the holiday next year. -Kurt
Depression doesnt go on vacation during holidays. It is always there.
I am depressed. Horribly depressed. On a weekly basis I feel like I want to take a gun to my head. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I just want it all to end. But I don't have the time or luxury of being depressed. I have a wife and three kids to take care of. The kids are the only thing that keeps me alive. I think that my wife would get over it in time. Maybe she would even be a little relieved. On several levels, I really feel like they would all be better off without me in their world, but I know the mental anguish that my death would cause the kids. So I get up every day and work my ass off for them and then come home every night to love and take care of them. I smile and laugh when they are around and then cry when I am alone. I am strong enough to carry the world for now. I wonder how old they need to be before I feel OK to end it.
Jared, There is help available if you're wanting to harm yourself. Please call the national hotline at 800-273-8255 anytime 24/7 to talk to someone first. You can also you can reach out to me by clicking the Contact link at the top of this page. -Kurt
Hello Jared. I never had depression until the ending few years of my marriage. So I won't pretend to know what is the right thing to say to you. I don't know your beliefs so please forgive me if I am out of line. I will share 3 little things with you, if I may:
I have struggled to get this far in my life which amounts to my having had 14 wonderful years out of my entire life. Let's just say I have put in some time 🙂 My marriage and love ended recently . And I wanted my life to end. I begged, taunted and pleaded for God to erase me. I am done. But after 6 months of that.... I am still here. I must have something to do. I would think the same might apply to you as you have them 3 children to think of. 🙂 Like you the morning is the hardest. I would sit on the side of the bed and break down. I realized i could not catch my breath. In fact I started innocently saying.. 'I can't breathe.'
I went to a psychic medium recently. We sat down and she looked at me weird. I asked her what was going on... She asked me.. "do you have asthma?" I said no. I have nothing like that. She said then why when I look at your face do I see you saying "I can't breathe?" I don't need to tell you how that affected me, Jared. I am alone in my room. No one but me knew that. I never say that anymore. There is a mind/body/connection to our health and well-being.
I wish you the best, Jared. I hope you can see how lucky your children are that you are their daddy. To give up your life for your children is amazing. But to choose to stay here in life and deal because of your kids... is just as heroic. Rooting for you !!!!
I think you are wise in knowing it would destroy your children. They will not get over something like that. You are their dad, Jared.. No one can replace you. Ever. You are their hero too. Crying is healing.. please don't ever stop.
The last thing is that it is my understanding that if you take yourself out of the equation in this life school... you have to repeat the life over again with the same issues. I read a story about this girl. She just kept killing herself. Lifetime after lifetime. She just thought it was easier. She was taken to many doctors. Finally they realized there was little hope.. the first moment she was able.. she would do it again. Out of exasperation her parents turned to a medium. He asked her.. about why .... and told her it was a lifetime pattern. He asked her if she wanted the pain to end. She said yes. He told her that if she did it again she will just keep coming back to the same life she is living now. And that she had a choice. Stay here and deal with her life. And then she is free of the lesson.. or keep repeating it. Something inside of her clicked... She started living her life with the idea that there was no easy out so she started to face things. And it all broke free. In just a few years her life looked dramatically different. NO drugs used. Just a new perspective and respect for life itself..
We are not static.. so nothing stays the same. It is always changing this life of ours. You are here.. you might as well stay to see the finale, Jared. 🙂