There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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There are few words that can describe the pain and devastation that’s felt when one partner in a marriage has an affair. And moving forward can seem nearly impossible. Determining what to do with your marriage after an affair - leave or stay - is not an easy task.
It can take a great deal of soul searching and time to figure out how you want to move forward.
So, if you're trying to decide if you should leave the marriage or stay after an affair, allow me to give you some advice.
Deciding whether to stay or leave after an affair is one of the toughest decisions to make. It's a life altering one, and if you have kids not just for you.
Unfortunately, it's very easy to let the pain of betrayal drive the decision, as opposed to rational reasoning about what's best for you and your family. Wanting to escape the pain is understandable, but divorce is a really painful experience too.
Read the following wisdom from a wife whose marriage went through the effects of an affair. This excerpt is from Carolyn Hax's column, "After an Affair, Forgiveness is Possible -- and Liberating", published in The Washington Post [emphasis added]:
On choosing not to divorce a spouse who cheated:
It was a rough road for us for a couple of years, but when my husband finally died after 35 years of marriage, I was so thankful we worked it out. I guess the biggest help to me was when I realized that his cheating wasn't about sex (our sex life was great); it was about filling a need where he was lacking, and sex was the solution he chose. I, too, still loved my husband, although never the same way as before the affair, but I know I would have never been happy with anyone else.
One of the things I would change if I could is this: I deliberately held a part of myself back from him for the rest of our married life. He knew it and accepted it; however, the year before he died (he had cancer), I knew there was nothing he could do that would hurt me more than his dying, and so I let myself love him 100 percent. It was the happiest, most wonderful feeling I have ever had. All those years when I was subconsciously punishing him, I was also punishing myself.
It will be the hardest work you will ever do, but if you hang in there and you both work at it, it will be worth it.
She's right. Repairing a marriage after an affair is really, really hard work, but it's also really worth it.
Many couples I've worked with in marriage counseling after an affair would confirm this truth and agree that the right choice is not to divorce a spouse who's cheated, but to stay and work it out.
While it may seem like the affair is the problem in the marriage, the truth is that it’s really a symptom of other problems – a really devastating symptom, but a symptom, nonetheless.
Addressing the issues that allowed an affair to occur in the first place can help bring a marriage back to a healthy state, but it does take time and effort on the part of both spouses.
You were in love once. It’s important to know that an affair in a marriage doesn’t have to mean that love is gone.
Yes, it certainly can feel that way, but underneath all the issues and problems that allowed you to get to this point, there are likely still feelings for each other.
Figuring out how to find those feelings again and put your marriage back together can be very difficult and confusing. And after an infidelity it can seem impossible, and for some like more effort than they’re willing to make.
If you’re thinking of leaving, be sure to take some time to consider whether you want to really leave the person or just their behavior – there's a big difference.
How they're responding to their mistake should be a significant consideration in your decision. For instance, if they're owning their actions and working to change themselves then that should give you some hope. And if they haven’t gotten there yet it doesn’t mean they can’t.
You may need some space to consider next steps for yourself. This doesn’t always have to mean separation. An agreed upon cooling off period, even in the same house can work too.
Keep in mind, however, you may need some assistance. Working through the problems that led to the affair will mean dealing with not only those issues, but also the emotions and hurt that the affair caused.
Doing all of that isn’t easy.
The help and guidance of n experienced marriage counselor can be an important part of the process, and create a smoother pathway for the rebuilding of your relationship.
There’s no explanation or justification for cheating that will make it suddenly okay or understandable.
And while your initial reaction to the pain of discovering your spouse had an affair may be to leave, it’s worthwhile to take some time before making such a life-changing decision in the midst of such extreme emotional turmoil.
As you’re weighing your options to leave or stay in your marriage, keep the following things in mind:
Deciding whether to leave or stay in your marriage after an affair is a deeply personal decision – no one can make it for you. But before you give up, understand that you’re not alone. I’ve seen many couples who’ve found it’s been well worth the effort they put in to make things work.
Can you relate to the struggle of deciding whether to leave your marriage or stay after an affair? Please join the conversation and share your experience in a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 3, 2010, updated on November 21, 2017, August 28, 2019, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I recently learnt today from a confession that my wife had an affair 6momths ago, despite knowing all long. Over the last number of months her lies deciet and dishonesty has had more of an impact on me than the act itself. We haven't had a very good relationship prior and as result I've been told by her that I pushed her there and no matter what I've done in the past I just don't feel like she is owning her mistake. She hasn't cried or shown any remorse for her actions and has said that she felt her expience was worth as it has helped her understand where we are. I find that extremely baffling but to get to the nitty gritty I've just never been shown love by her although she says she loves me.. I think I'm in my right mind to call it day.. Thanks for any comments and advise!
If your wife has an affair and you know everything about that. Then ask your wife regarding this. Also, if both agree to live separate and not happy with your relationship then go for break up because such relations have no base and also not good for both of you.
I have learnt my husband's affair 9 months ago. He is 15 years older than me and 25 years older than his affair partner. I always had instinct that I was not enough for him. I always knew that it was about 'When' he is going to cheat, not 'if' he is going to cheat. The way he talked and looked at other women was obvious red flags. I never seen a man stare at a woman like the way he does. After I found out that he was cheating, I went through his laptop, phone, various websites accounts, browsing history, different email accounts, car sat-nav, google map on phone, bank accounts, e-bay account, amazon account and so on, I found recent emails between him and his older biological brother which indicates clearly that they have sexual relationship (incest). I was shocked because that was out of my imagination. I always knew my husband has serious psychological issues but I thought that was because he was an alcoholic (sober for more than 10 years now). He does not talk about anything. He had sexual relations with others during the whole time we were married. I feel like he is a narcissistic, psychopath, sociopath, gas lighter person. No one will ever guess though. He always has been but I just started to see now with open eyes. He was the love of my life.
I cheated on my wife after 9 years of marriage with a work colleague, the affair meant nothing and was purely about sex, however my wife cannot get past what happened. Although we was happy together there was problems in the bedroom department and I was offered it on a plate and chose to accept it and we met 3 times in total. My wife has been very angry and upset since she discovered the affair which she found out about by reading a text message on my phone, at first I tried to deny it but it soon became apparent that she knew more. My wife contacted the other woman's husband and told him everything and he threatened to find me and break my legs, my wife actually warned him off for the sake of the kids. I was made to resign from my post at work due to this. My wife has attacked me on numerous occasions and although at times the house is like a living hell, we have still been sleeping together and sex has been better than ever, however she keeps going over things in her head and resurrecting the past, she tells me that she loves me and wants to get through this, however she doesn't know if she can and whether she will ever trust me again. I am trying to help her trust me again by having my location on my phone constantly so she knows where I am and I message her at every available opportunity. I wish I could turn back time and change what happened but I can only influence the future.
I met my husband December 2016. We got Married May 2017. He was single for about six years and had all kinds of relationships, some he was finished with, others he was not. slowly but surely, we worked through his "quirks" and contacts from his past, he gave up having other "girl" friends, but up until four months ago, he still participated in dating sites, contacts where he sent pictures of his penis to women and I do not know all the details. I a couple of phones he used secretly with conversations and pictures. He was downloading dating sites a year ago. For four months, he has been with a biblically based group who he has found a mentor. The group is linked to recovering addicts somewhat, also. I believe he has broken off his old habits, and I do not find any proof otherwise. But I found paperwork of his one night stay back in Sept 2017 where he had an admitted affair with another woman.
I'm concerned that these last four months mean nothing, but my heart is hopeful. I'd love any advice on how to handle the situation. it is heartbreaking for sure, but we all know that.