Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
We all love a vacation. Every so often we just need to get away and take a break from everything. But what about your relationship? Have you ever thought about taking a break in your relationship?
The idea of taking a break from your relationship isn’t a new one. It’s even been parodied on TV shows like Friends where Ross famously yells, “We were on a break!” after making some poor and hurtful choices. Even in comedy it’s clear that taking a break in your relationship is not a simple thing to do. In fact, it requires a lot of thought, conversation, and some very clear boundaries if you have any hope of the relationship continuing when break time is over.
Taking a break in a relationship can mean different things for each couple. For some it’s the opportunity to take stock of things and gain some perspective on how to make their relationship better. For others it may be a gentle first step towards a break-up. What the purpose of the “break” is needs to be clearly defined by the two people involved.
There are times in a relationship when a couple may reach a plateau and they can’t find a way forward and aren’t ready to call it off completely. They may still love each other, but not know where to go from here, so instead they opt for some time apart.
Ultimately taking a break from your relationship should begin with positive intentions. Time away from each other can provide needed space for thinking and evaluating, but not if it’s used like a free pass for either physically or emotionally cheating. Unless you have set it up that way, a break doesn’t mean that you are broken up, and you still owe your partner the benefit of respect and fidelity.
There is not a definite yes or no answer to that question, but there is a very strong maybe. Whether a break helps your relationship get stronger or helps it end depends a lot on why you decided to take it in the first place, and what happens during that time apart.
There are times when taking a break makes sense and can bring a positive result. For instance, if you have gotten to a point as a couple where you and your partner always seem to be at odds, fighting or constantly disagreeing, and are having a hard time finding any enjoyment with each other, then taking a break might be a good idea.
You may find that some time apart allows you to understand and appreciate your partner’s perspective on things. It might also allow you to evaluate your own behavior to determine what part you play in the challenges you are experiencing. The result of this time away from each other and the evaluation you go through can mean that your relationship is stronger on the other side, or it’s possible that you may determine you differences are too great, or even that you need to further evaluate things through couples counseling.
Relationships, especially long ones, go through many ups and downs. For the most part, in a relationship that is healthy and happy, couples weather the downs knowing that there is an up on the other side. Sometimes, however, couples can find themselves in a place where there is just a general feeling of dissatisfaction with one another. This doesn’t mean that you have fallen out of love, or that they want a permanent break-up, but something needs to change. This is another case when taking a break from the relationship may offer a positive result.
Taking some time away from each other might help you see things more clearly and determine what is really causing the dissatisfaction in the relationship. In this scenario it’s often one partner who feels more strongly than the other about the need for a change. There are many reasons for this, and it’s quite possible that the break in the relationship will help that partner (or both) see that what needs to change isn’t really the relationship itself, but the people within it.
Personal dissatisfaction in your own life and achievements can be misinterpreted as problems with your relationship, friendships, even your job. Some time on your own to reflect can allow you to see what changes you personally need to make. Feeling happier and more personally satisfied will translate into more satisfaction in your relationship and everything else around you.
Making taking a break in a relationship work is tricky. You’re not actively a couple, but you also aren’t broken up. This romantic no-man’s-land can lead to a lot of blurry lines and potential pitfalls.
If you have decided that taking some time apart is what makes sense for your relationship, you will need to do a few things first in order to make sure it goes well – no matter what the ultimate outcome as a couple.
Dr. Kurt has worked with a number couples who have tried taking a break in their relationship as a way to fix things. When asked about his perspective he had this to say,
There's a saying that 'time fixes everything.' Unfortunately, despite this being a popular belief it's actually not true. Does time help? Sure. But does it fix things? No. Mistakenly, this concept gets applied to taking a break in a relationship -- 'We just need some time apart' is often the reasoning. Yet time is never enough. If your relationship has gotten to the point that taking a break is being considered then there are much deeper issues that need to be addressed than time alone can solve. Time + effort is the formula that's necessary to make a break productive and successful. So each of you needs to figure out where some effort needs to be applied during the break in addition to getting some time apart.
Taking a break in your relationship isn’t a tactic that will work for everyone. For some the issues that they are facing as a couple need to be worked out together rather than apart. For others, if it is done correctly, there can be benefit from the time and perspective the space can offer.
Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
Overthinking is like being on a mental hamster wheel – lots of energy expended, ultimately getting you nowhere.
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We were together for five years. We had same arguments come up and my insecurities led to my being reactive sometimes. I learned a lot in the last year but he has said he’s moved on. This is so different than the love he spoke of for years. He doesn’t like conflict and I agree some of ours was not necessary. I’d love to find a way to reconnect and build the relationship we both wanted but don’t know how to do it. No contact? Contact? What to say and how? I don’t think he wants to waste time...