How To Help Your Teen Deal With Divorce

how-do-you-help-your-teen-deal-with-divorce

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Contents

4 Pillars For Helping Teens Deal With Divorce
Special Note: When Things Get Difficult And Complicated
Takeaways About Helping Your Teen Deal With Divorce
FAQs

Divorce isn’t easy – not for the parents and especially not for the children involved.

While there are numerous issues for the adults to contend with, for parents, the most important one is helping their children navigate the process and their feelings. Helping your teen deal with the divorce can be particularly complicated.

Teens are in a unique stage of life that comes with a foundation built on quicksand. When divorce is added to the mix, this already unstable time of life becomes even more turbulent.

Knowing how to help your teen cope with your divorce is crucial for parents.

4 Pillars For Helping Teens Deal With Divorce

Helping your teen deal with the effects of your divorce isn’t an A,B,C formula. All kids are different, and your approach will need to be tailored to what your child needs.

There are, however, 4 standard pillars of help that are common to all approaches.

1. Understanding your teen’s unique experience

Divorce appears differently through the eyes of a teenager than it does from the perspective of a young child or an adult.

Teens may ask,

Am I responsible?
Could I have stopped it?
Does the fact that my parents don’t love each other mean they don’t love me either?

Of course, they’re not likely to ask these questions out loud, but instead let them linger and fester internally.

These feelings and others can present as indifference or “teen moodiness.” But make no mistake, no matter how okay your teen may seem as you’re going through a divorce, they’re not.

Doing your best to understand their specific experience, even if they’re not willing to share their feelings, is where you need to start when helping them deal with the divorce.

2. Create stability and open communication.

Divorce creates instability. That means you must be intentional and diligent in creating as much stability as possible for your teen.

This doesn’t mean pretending that everything is fine and that nothing has changed. It also doesn't mean being “too” open and making them privy to all of your marital problems.

Dr. Kurt has seen (and personally experienced) the effects of divorce on teens. In his words,

It's not uncommon that teens know much more about the reasons for the divorce than they should. I'm counseling two sets of parents right now where their teens know about cheating that's occurred. As a result, in both cases the teens are not talking or seeing one of the parents. It's very easy for the adult's problems to become problems for the kids too. One of the most important ways you can help your teen deal with your divorce is to be very careful what you share or expose them to. The teen years are hard enough without also having to carry the burden of your parent's problems (I know, it happened to me)."

It means showing them consistently that their relationship with you hasn’t changed.

It also means,

Keeping routines as consistent as possible. Both parents should try to maintain consistent bedtimes, mealtimes, academic expectations, and schedules for sports and extracurricular activities. Familiarity is grounding.
Encouraging open communication. Encourage them to share their feelings, but don’t force it.

Sometimes teens test the water and provide backdoor openings for conversations.

For instance, if your teen says, “This is dumb,” in reference to visitation schedules, try asking, “What feels dumb about this to you?”

Don’t make them referee. Even subtle digs at the other parent can make your teen feel guilty, torn, and anxious.

3. Encourage emotional growth.

One of the most hurtful effects of divorce that your teen will deal with is the loss sense of belonging. They were part of a family, and now it feels like there’s no family to be a part of.

As you work to maintain stability for your teen, try to create an opportunity for emotional growth as well.

Encourage healthy outlets, such as sports, art, or music. These are more than just hobbies – they’re often therapeutic ways to process emotions.
Highlight their strengths and personal strength. Divorce can cause a teen to feel powerless. Highlight instances where they demonstrate maturity, courage, and leadership. Knowing that others see this growth – especially you – means more than you realize.
Model resilience. This may feel like a fake-it-til-you-make-it scenario, but teens take their cues from you. So, show them your healthy ways to handle stress, like spending time with friends and family, practicing self-care, and setting healthy boundaries.

4. Help them see the bigger picture.

One of the hardest truths for a teen to accept is that life won’t go back to the way it was.

All kids, including teens, hold out some hope that divorce is temporary and that their parents will reconcile.

Your job is to help them accept that the family has changed, but your love for them and their place in the new version remain the same.

Special Note: When Things Get Difficult And Complicated

Each teen deals with divorce in their own, personal way. For some teens, despite your best efforts, the break-up of their family becomes an enormous stumbling block, deeply affecting their mental health.

Divorce can increase the risk of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, risky sexual behavior, and academic struggles.

Watch for,

Sudden drop in grades and disinterest in school
Withdrawal from friends and activities
Significant changes in sleeping or eating patterns
Self-destructive talk or behavior

If you notice these red flags, don’t wait – seek support from a child counselor or therapist. Early intervention can make all the difference.

Remember, seeking help is not a failure as a parent. It’s a sign that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to support your child.

Takeaways About Helping Your Teen Deal With Divorce

Divorce is a process. Your teen will experience waves of adjustment, just as you do. Helping them deal with the effects of your divorce means they feel seen, loved, and supported by you.

They don’t need perfection, and they don’t even need all the answers. What they need is your presence, your patience, and your willingness to help them make sense of a family that looks different while understanding and feeling your love for them.

FAQs

Should I tell my teen everything about why we’re getting divorced?

No. Share the truth in age-appropriate ways but don’t share specific details. Knowing too much can harm their relationship with either parent.

Should I tell my teen if I’m struggling or need counselling to get through the divorce?

Yes – to a point. Knowing that you’re taking care of yourself and seeking support from a counselor can make them feel more comfortable doing so themselves. But sharing too much about your pain, doubts, or depressive thoughts can cause them to feel overwhelmed, worried about you, and shake any stability that they’re clinging to