Relationships aren’t just love, connection, and good times. Successful couples also need to be able to navigate difficult emotions. Two of the most challenging are anger and resentment.
Not getting angry isn't as easy as many people think. Like many issues, those of us with no experience with the problem can struggle understanding why it's so hard for people who do. This is true with anger and especially with how to deal with anger in a relationship.
Most anger problems are caused by interactions with other people. Typically these anger arousing interactions are with significant others, especially partners. This inter-relational component adds a lot of complexity to dealing with anger, particularly in a relationship.
The simple way to look at situations involving anger is to assume that the person who's angry is wrong, after all, yelling, slamming your fist on the table, or punching a hole in the wall is obviously wrong. But to assume that because the angry behavior is wrong that the person doing it is too, and thus the other person must be right, is a mistake and not always true.
One of the reasons anger management classes have such a high failure rate is that they don't address the whole picture of anger. Here's an example of how complicated it can be to deal with anger within a relationship:
I met with a man last week, Jared, who told me that his wife hasn't talked to him for nearly a week and that he's been sleeping on the sofa for the past 6 nights. The reason? He got angry with her.
Jared described a trip to Los Angeles he, his wife, and their three young kids took the previous weekend to go to a bar mitzvah for one of his wife's cousins. The first night in the hotel was miserable for both of them for a combination of bad hotel experiences (most of us know what that can be like).
His wife announced the next morning, "I'm not staying here again. We're driving home tonight!" Jared was silent externally, while inwardly he thought, "That's insane, let's just find another hotel." Having responded to such declarations (err, orders, commands, edicts) by his wife in the past, and having been attacked for having a different opinion than hers, Jared stuffed his feelings and kept quiet.
That night, after a long day and being left alone with 3 exhausted little kids well past their bedtime, at a party he didn't really care to be at, Jared sent his wife a text asking where she was. When she didn't reply, he got angry.
Her mother was sitting nearby and offered to help him with the kids. While carrying the kids to the car, Jared stumbled upon his wife outside smoking with her cousins. She then got upset at him that he had decided to leave without talking to her. Fighting ensued, which ended (temporarily) with Jared loading the car to begin a 7-hour all-night drive back home at 9:30 at night.
For the next 2 hours they fought in the car with Jared apologizing repeatedly for getting angry, while his wife didn't apologize for anything (he says she's only apologized twice in their 9-year marriage), and him being called a "pussy" by her for making a scene in front of her mother.
So who do you think has the anger problem in this relationship? The truth is that they both do, but Jared is the only one in anger management class with me. And he willingly admits he gets too angry, but he's come to see me partly because his wife tells him he has anger issues and needs to get them fixed if she's going to stay married to him.
The first step for anyone in how to deal with anger in a relationship is to recognize how complicated understanding anger can be. Jared's marriage is a perfect example. It's not uncommon at all for both partners to struggle with anger, and often for justifiable reasons.
Another not so uncommon component of dealing with anger in relationships is that the anger can be a result of abuse in the relationship. Calling your husband a belittling name like "pussy" is marital verbal abuse. Sometimes anger comes out of feeling stuck and unable to stop abusive behavior like that. It can also be argued that the anger that comes as a response to being put down is abusive too.
I am not sharing Jared's story to blame his wife for his anger, because she's not to blame for it, he is, and the roles of who's attacking who can easily be, and often are, reversed. But, it's just vitally important that everyone be aware of, and take responsibility for, their part in influencing anger.
If you're searching to find out how to deal with anger in a relationship, start by thinking about the bigger picture beyond the angry behavior and the possible influences (not excuses) for it. In order to be successful at managing anger we have to address the whole picture -- the anger and what causes it.
Relationships aren’t just love, connection, and good times. Successful couples also need to be able to navigate difficult emotions. Two of the most challenging are anger and resentment.
Emotions are tricky things. They can flare up in an instant or slowly build over time, reshaping how we perceive ourselves and the people closest to us. Find out more.
Are you Married To An Angry Man? Find out from one wife’s real-life experience what it's like being Married To An Angry Man. See if Angry Men can change.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
Hello,
My boyfriend whom lives with me, has anger issues. I have really tried to be patient and understanding because he had a traumatic childhood, and also an facial injury several years ago, but he still gets headaches very easily and even the smallest amount of stress. However, I can only take so much. He gets angry and he pretty much pouts and doesn't want to talk, which could be few hours or 2-3 days. He gets angry when I try to talk to him (calmly even) and says I am selfish for not respecting his space and backing him up against a wall. The other night, took was by far the worst fight. He is stressed over a job situation and just wanted to be left alone. He got angry when I tried to talk to him. He settled down, and then later he didn't like a comment I made. It really wasn't a bad comment but he took it as such. Every time I try and explain myself he tells me how he is an intelligent person, and that I cant make excuses. In reality, I think he is insecure, angry person. I have really tried to be supportive of him, but he is making it very hard. He no longer reaches out to me during the day, and since the fight when we are at home we only engage in small talk. Its only been one (1) day but it honestly doesn't look good for us. I want to work things out, but I just done know if its pointless. He is always going to be this way. Everything is always my fault, because I didn't leave the subject alone or give him space.
Hi Jenn. Your bf sounds a lot like mine. We have been together for almost 2 years and have lived together the whole time. He has PTSD from military combat and I have PTSD from an abusive relationship. Everything is usually great until he gets angry. Then he goes from Jeckyl to Hyde. Totally different person. He breaks up with me every time we fight and calls me the most horrible names imaginable. He's never hurt me, but he destroys my property, punches holes in walls and breaks other things in our home. He is out of work, so I am the only wage earner. I really don't know what to do.
Emily,
I really feel for you. That sounds awful. I don't think I would have survived 2 years with that though. He sounds like he is violent the way he destroys things. He needs to learn to manage his anger, and not by punching things. I had another awful fight with mine, and I told him to leave. He started to actually pack and I sat there shaking but distracted myself with my phone. Then, he decides not to go. So all this time he likes to threaten to leave and then I take control and tell him to get the f out and he doesn't go. So he talks a good game but no action. We did talk the other day and for the sake of our relationship I am going to wipe the slate clean. He made me a promise and I made him one. I am extremely sensitive and he is just really too blunt. But I have decided I will try. If he threatens to leave this time then he is going to be leaving for good.
I feel for all of you guys.it sucks and it feels like it's a bad dream you can't wake up from.I'm in the same spot .my wife divorced me with out me knowing gets mad for stupid things.call's me names .called cops on me so many times and kicks me out.we been together for over 10 yrs. Sometimes I feel like just ending everything...
Richard, You sound like you might be considering hurting yourself. Please call the national hotline at 800-273-8255 anytime 24/7 to talk to someone first. You can also you can reach out to me by clicking the Contact link at the top of this page. -Kurt
Everything in this article and comment has been super helpful. I was I guess still married and we have a 2 year old son. 3 years marriage and 5 years together. My husband has anger problem. He disagrees and doesn't see it. Like Jenn from recent comment I would make conversation or even ask a question he is already irritated and does not want to even be bothered. It seems it has just gotten worse. He has broken a lot of things since we have been together and even put a hand on me in a rough way. Still does not see his problem. So now we are going to get separated and I am now looking for an apartment. I am having a hard time letting go of him. I feel like I want to keep trying but I also know that it will have the same outcome. So my solution is get separated and if we are still inkove with other Maybe we can date again but not live together and so that we concentrate on us. With having our son I felt we never had alone time and when we do its rare. And i feel like he also needs to realize what he did wrong. And I am here already figured it out but him he acts like he has no faults and blames everything on me. I just want to make sure I made the right decision in getting separated but when I see him or be around him I just want to touch him and be close to him even after the fight where he yelled at me in my face in a disrespectful way I dont even want to remember. Why do I let it go so easily when its him i do not know. Anyways I appreciate the comments and advices in this cite and will be reading more for sure! Thanks guys 😉
Joyce, Thank you for the kind words, I am glad you have found some help from the blog. Your husband needs to take responsibility for his behavior, and separating might help him see that you won't tolerate his behavior anymore. Ultimately, he will have to want the help and seek it out for himself. Read more of the articles in the Anger Management section for more information. -Kurt
Hi Jenn. It sounds like we are going through very similar things with our guys. We had another blow up yesterday that rolled over into today. As usual he threatened to leave, but he has nowhere to go, no job, no money and no car. Sent me a nasty text this morning and then an hour later sent me a text saying he loves me and is going to find someone to talk to. That gives me hope. I feel this relationship is worth fighting for so I'm going to keep trying.
This article was very helpful. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years and we've had some rough patches along the way. He's been through a motorcycle accident, the death of a friend. Growing up, his mother was the angry one, wouldn't put up with sht. Wasn't physically abusive, but verbally could say mean things. My boyfriend is a very stubborn person and has admitted to his anger, but does not believe in therapy. It's easy for him to put the blame on me, but in the circumstances that he's verbally mean, he will occasionally take the blame. I've stuck around, because our fights last hardly an hour and we're both pretty good to apologize and move on. But are there tips I can use to help his anger come out in a healthy way, instead of particularly trying to say the things that get to me or hurt me? He's a wonderful and honest man, but does not know how to appropriate verbalize his anger.
Stefanie, If he has a problem with anger, it's something he will have to learn to control. Anger Management class is the place to go to learn the tools and techniques he'll need to learn to do that. Read some of the other articles in the Anger Management section for some ideas on how to do that. -Kurt