Relationships aren’t just love, connection, and good times. Successful couples also need to be able to navigate difficult emotions. Two of the most challenging are anger and resentment.
Not getting angry isn't as easy as many people think. Like many issues, those of us with no experience with the problem can struggle understanding why it's so hard for people who do. This is true with anger and especially with how to deal with anger in a relationship.
Most anger problems are caused by interactions with other people. Typically these anger arousing interactions are with significant others, especially partners. This inter-relational component adds a lot of complexity to dealing with anger, particularly in a relationship.
The simple way to look at situations involving anger is to assume that the person who's angry is wrong, after all, yelling, slamming your fist on the table, or punching a hole in the wall is obviously wrong. But to assume that because the angry behavior is wrong that the person doing it is too, and thus the other person must be right, is a mistake and not always true.
One of the reasons anger management classes have such a high failure rate is that they don't address the whole picture of anger. Here's an example of how complicated it can be to deal with anger within a relationship:
I met with a man last week, Jared, who told me that his wife hasn't talked to him for nearly a week and that he's been sleeping on the sofa for the past 6 nights. The reason? He got angry with her.
Jared described a trip to Los Angeles he, his wife, and their three young kids took the previous weekend to go to a bar mitzvah for one of his wife's cousins. The first night in the hotel was miserable for both of them for a combination of bad hotel experiences (most of us know what that can be like).
His wife announced the next morning, "I'm not staying here again. We're driving home tonight!" Jared was silent externally, while inwardly he thought, "That's insane, let's just find another hotel." Having responded to such declarations (err, orders, commands, edicts) by his wife in the past, and having been attacked for having a different opinion than hers, Jared stuffed his feelings and kept quiet.
That night, after a long day and being left alone with 3 exhausted little kids well past their bedtime, at a party he didn't really care to be at, Jared sent his wife a text asking where she was. When she didn't reply, he got angry.
Her mother was sitting nearby and offered to help him with the kids. While carrying the kids to the car, Jared stumbled upon his wife outside smoking with her cousins. She then got upset at him that he had decided to leave without talking to her. Fighting ensued, which ended (temporarily) with Jared loading the car to begin a 7-hour all-night drive back home at 9:30 at night.
For the next 2 hours they fought in the car with Jared apologizing repeatedly for getting angry, while his wife didn't apologize for anything (he says she's only apologized twice in their 9-year marriage), and him being called a "pussy" by her for making a scene in front of her mother.
So who do you think has the anger problem in this relationship? The truth is that they both do, but Jared is the only one in anger management class with me. And he willingly admits he gets too angry, but he's come to see me partly because his wife tells him he has anger issues and needs to get them fixed if she's going to stay married to him.
The first step for anyone in how to deal with anger in a relationship is to recognize how complicated understanding anger can be. Jared's marriage is a perfect example. It's not uncommon at all for both partners to struggle with anger, and often for justifiable reasons.
Another not so uncommon component of dealing with anger in relationships is that the anger can be a result of abuse in the relationship. Calling your husband a belittling name like "pussy" is marital verbal abuse. Sometimes anger comes out of feeling stuck and unable to stop abusive behavior like that. It can also be argued that the anger that comes as a response to being put down is abusive too.
I am not sharing Jared's story to blame his wife for his anger, because she's not to blame for it, he is, and the roles of who's attacking who can easily be, and often are, reversed. But, it's just vitally important that everyone be aware of, and take responsibility for, their part in influencing anger.
If you're searching to find out how to deal with anger in a relationship, start by thinking about the bigger picture beyond the angry behavior and the possible influences (not excuses) for it. In order to be successful at managing anger we have to address the whole picture -- the anger and what causes it.
Relationships aren’t just love, connection, and good times. Successful couples also need to be able to navigate difficult emotions. Two of the most challenging are anger and resentment.
Emotions are tricky things. They can flare up in an instant or slowly build over time, reshaping how we perceive ourselves and the people closest to us. Find out more.
Are you Married To An Angry Man? Find out from one wife’s real-life experience what it's like being Married To An Angry Man. See if Angry Men can change.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
Great work, I wish I can remember this line always "The simple way to look at situations involving anger is to assume that the person who's angry is wrong, after all, yelling, slamming your fist on the table, or punching a hole in the wall is obviously wrong. But to assume that because the angry behavior is wrong that the person doing it is too, and thus the other person must be right, is a mistake and not always true." Anger management therapy helps individuals who are prone to violent temper and struggle with controlling their temper. such individuals can take control of this emotion by applying effective DIY techniques
Mr. Kurt Smith,
Me and my gf have been together for 3 years as of today 4/23/16. I work out of town almost every week. So recently I have been real angry towards everything for some reason, Which typically isn't me. I've even had thoughts of just calling it quits with her. when I get back in town on Fridays all I want is to be able to spend time with her but I can't cuz she is working on the weekends. We've been going through this for almost a year and a half but until recently we just chalked it up to having to get ahead. We are ahead now and I've asked her to take a weekend day off but she can't due to the lack of employees to be able to cover her shift. I'm getting fed up of coming home on the weekends to an empty house and would rather just stay out of town and work my tail off then come home to that. So my question is if I'm not wanting to go home and we can't finagle time together am I wasting my time being in a relationship? Or am I just being too needy?
Thanks,
Stephen
Stephen, It's not being need to want to spend time with your girlfriend. Obviously there are some issues there that need to be addressed. See the Love Is Gone section on the right of this page for some ideas and suggestions. -Kurt
ive been with my gf now for 4 years, the first year was the greatest, since then it has been a downward spiral of love and emotion. The feelings are still raw but it is now in jeopardy as I sometimes can not control my anger, my partner wants me to go to counselling as she feels it would benefit me, she moved away for a year due to work and I spend around 4-5 days of each month with her opposed to the previous 3 years where we would spend all our time together, it has become that the short period of time together that we do now share has at least one bad moment and it is getting on top of the pair of us, we still love each other dearly to much to part ways but sooner rather then later this will be inevitable, I just want to make the necessary changes before it's too late.
Jeff, That's great you recognize your anger issue and want to get help. Change takes time, so you both need some patience. Professional counseling or anger management classes would be really beneficial. See this page to see what anger management classes should look like: http://www.guystuffcounseling.com/anger-management-classes/how-anger-management-classes-work -Kurt
I am with a woman; we have been together for 2 years, she suffers from PTSD from an abusive relationship and rape. I am, and have always tried to be sensitive to this, when there is a freak out during intimacy, or she loses her cool and tells me all the bad things I am. of course this builds anger and resentment. We have gone to counseling but she is committed to being poly because I am too submissive. If I am dominating she shuts down and there is a problem between us for days usually.
In the morning should could tell me that she loves me and need me, that I am the only person that may make her happy, and a day later she is calling me weak, submissive, and telling me that she doesn't love me, us breaking up is on the table, (one of her favorite threats).
She regularly throws things during arguments and about 1/3 of the time at me. Our last argument that sprang from the latest conversation that she can be with me b/c I am too submissive I was talking with her and she started reading a book, purposefully ignoring me, mid sentence she picked it up. So I grabbed her wrists so she couldn't read. Until this time I have never laid a hand on her, she struggled to push me off but I am stronger. We are screaming at eachother now, I let her go and she got up and threw everything she could find at me, I blocked most of it with my arm and got in front of her and she hit me in the face a couple times. I did not touch her back.
I think that we are basically over. Last night we were stuffing envelopes for save the date notifications for our future wedding.
I am stuck she doesn't know what she wants, and if she chooses to stay with me, should I stay? I am lost.
Joe, Only you can know if staying and getting married is right for you, but don't make any life altering decisions while in an emotional state. You have to decide what kind of relationship you want. Try counseling again. Even if she won't go with you, it will still be beneficial for you. -Kurt
i am in a two year relationship . completed just a month ago ...i have anger problem and so does my girlfriend ..whenever something happen between us we use to quarrel and blow each us ..its been sometime that one of her male friend is getting more interest in her and she also go out with him on dinner as well as on movies , when i ask for what she went she use to explain it by giving simple explatio that he is he rone of the good friend and more of a like a brother but i do'nt really like that i guy and i fear of my relationship is in danger ...suggest me how to proceed further in this regard soon ..
Darry, It's great you recognize that you have an anger issue. But you can only control your own behavior, not hers. You can look into local anger management classes to learn how to deal it for yourself. As for her friend, you will have to decide what you think is acceptable in your relationship. -Kurt