Relationships aren’t just love, connection, and good times. Successful couples also need to be able to navigate difficult emotions. Two of the most challenging are anger and resentment.
Not getting angry isn't as easy as many people think. Like many issues, those of us with no experience with the problem can struggle understanding why it's so hard for people who do. This is true with anger and especially with how to deal with anger in a relationship.
Most anger problems are caused by interactions with other people. Typically these anger arousing interactions are with significant others, especially partners. This inter-relational component adds a lot of complexity to dealing with anger, particularly in a relationship.
The simple way to look at situations involving anger is to assume that the person who's angry is wrong, after all, yelling, slamming your fist on the table, or punching a hole in the wall is obviously wrong. But to assume that because the angry behavior is wrong that the person doing it is too, and thus the other person must be right, is a mistake and not always true.
One of the reasons anger management classes have such a high failure rate is that they don't address the whole picture of anger. Here's an example of how complicated it can be to deal with anger within a relationship:
I met with a man last week, Jared, who told me that his wife hasn't talked to him for nearly a week and that he's been sleeping on the sofa for the past 6 nights. The reason? He got angry with her.
Jared described a trip to Los Angeles he, his wife, and their three young kids took the previous weekend to go to a bar mitzvah for one of his wife's cousins. The first night in the hotel was miserable for both of them for a combination of bad hotel experiences (most of us know what that can be like).
His wife announced the next morning, "I'm not staying here again. We're driving home tonight!" Jared was silent externally, while inwardly he thought, "That's insane, let's just find another hotel." Having responded to such declarations (err, orders, commands, edicts) by his wife in the past, and having been attacked for having a different opinion than hers, Jared stuffed his feelings and kept quiet.
That night, after a long day and being left alone with 3 exhausted little kids well past their bedtime, at a party he didn't really care to be at, Jared sent his wife a text asking where she was. When she didn't reply, he got angry.
Her mother was sitting nearby and offered to help him with the kids. While carrying the kids to the car, Jared stumbled upon his wife outside smoking with her cousins. She then got upset at him that he had decided to leave without talking to her. Fighting ensued, which ended (temporarily) with Jared loading the car to begin a 7-hour all-night drive back home at 9:30 at night.
For the next 2 hours they fought in the car with Jared apologizing repeatedly for getting angry, while his wife didn't apologize for anything (he says she's only apologized twice in their 9-year marriage), and him being called a "pussy" by her for making a scene in front of her mother.
So who do you think has the anger problem in this relationship? The truth is that they both do, but Jared is the only one in anger management class with me. And he willingly admits he gets too angry, but he's come to see me partly because his wife tells him he has anger issues and needs to get them fixed if she's going to stay married to him.
The first step for anyone in how to deal with anger in a relationship is to recognize how complicated understanding anger can be. Jared's marriage is a perfect example. It's not uncommon at all for both partners to struggle with anger, and often for justifiable reasons.
Another not so uncommon component of dealing with anger in relationships is that the anger can be a result of abuse in the relationship. Calling your husband a belittling name like "pussy" is marital verbal abuse. Sometimes anger comes out of feeling stuck and unable to stop abusive behavior like that. It can also be argued that the anger that comes as a response to being put down is abusive too.
I am not sharing Jared's story to blame his wife for his anger, because she's not to blame for it, he is, and the roles of who's attacking who can easily be, and often are, reversed. But, it's just vitally important that everyone be aware of, and take responsibility for, their part in influencing anger.
If you're searching to find out how to deal with anger in a relationship, start by thinking about the bigger picture beyond the angry behavior and the possible influences (not excuses) for it. In order to be successful at managing anger we have to address the whole picture -- the anger and what causes it.
Relationships aren’t just love, connection, and good times. Successful couples also need to be able to navigate difficult emotions. Two of the most challenging are anger and resentment.
Emotions are tricky things. They can flare up in an instant or slowly build over time, reshaping how we perceive ourselves and the people closest to us. Find out more.
Are you Married To An Angry Man? Find out from one wife’s real-life experience what it's like being Married To An Angry Man. See if Angry Men can change.
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I met this woman who all she wanted was a wedding, she did a lot of work to have a big wedding and I have to say that it was beautiful event but the marriage only lasted one year and and 4 months. She was never happy, she didn't have to work right away so she was at home but she was always complaining that I didn't want to do anything, never mind I was working 8 to 13 hours a day and still had to do the vacuuming, laundry, and ironing both hers and my clothes, and I did it so she could rest so come the weekend that I was off we could do things together, weekend came and we would plan to go and do something we had to come right back home, even just to go for a walk we get to the end of drive and had to come back to the house.
I got to the point that I didn't want to come home. When I was at home I didn't plan to do anything and she would say "all you want to do is lay around all day" I even got to the point that were I was started to let out my frustration by doing the very same thing that I hate even detest and that's pulling her hair and I would even give her a push, So that's why we are not to gather anymore, came home and she was gone, she never wanting to get help she always and sill says that it's all my fault then she would tell me that it's my job to make her love me. She filed for divorce, as well as asking for the gifts that we got from the wedding and the wedding pictures.
I would love to hear how to handle conflicts I'm tried of being alone but I don't ever want what happened with my ex to happen again I'll just stay single, I've seen some girls but it never worked out, but I need to work on myself so that I never hurt anyone again. I have been to counselling and it did help me.
And I have found out that I have ADHD, OCD, so I'm taking medication to help and it is helping, I can stay focused more and it helps me not to be wanting to be on the go all the time. Any help would be great.
Daniel, Congratulations on going to counseling. I hope you learned more about yourself and why you chose a partner like this. Not repeating the same mistake again is one of the most important things that should come out of a divorce. -Kurt
I have been married for 9 years. No kid yet. It was a love marriage where we fought with our families & finally got united.
6 months back i observed that my wife is going far from me. She was in an emotional & physical affair with another boy who finally came out as a cheater. That boy was already engaged & was enjoying sex with my wife & his fiance parallely. I knew everything about all this & my wife knew that i knew all this.
Now my wife knows it all. During this course i showed her that no matter what wrong she is doing but i still love her.
Now when her extra marital affair has ended, she still says she do not have any feeling left for me.
Lets go to the flashback of past 9 years...
We got married in feb 2006. We both were in 3rd year of our degree course in the same college at that time. We had a great start until she got pregnant & we had to get the pregnancy terminated because we weren't capable of handling the responsibility of kid.
After that incident my wife got scared of sex. Everytime i tried to have sex with her she denied saying "stop!! We dont want baby".
I used to please her & get her to orgasm by my hands only. This kept happening for 9 years. Everything was going fine till i got a bit lazy & started having a laid back attitude towards her. She wanted to travel & enjoy but stressed out of office work i wanted to take rest at home. It was still fine till she started talking to that other guy.
Seeing a change in her attitude & behaviour when i asked the reason, she replied that she has no feelings left for me. She also said that she think that the decision of our marriage was a kiddish step 9 yrs back.
Now when she is alone & she know the truth about that other guy, i still try to convince her that i will forget all this & we can still lead a happy life. But she isn't interested.
Also i am very much confused that my wife who kept refusing me to have natural sex had sex with that other guy & that too without protection everytime(i know this some how).
At times i get so frustrated that i do opposite of what i should do.but i guess that's normal in this situation. I can give u more information if needed about us.
All i want to know is that.. Is there still something that i can do to retain my love or is it all finished now.
I really love her but with wasting time its dying inside me that i do not want.
San, It's hard to love somebody who is giving their love to somebody else, especially if it's your wife. So I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about losing your love for her; that's to be expected in this situation. It doesn't mean it will always be that way though, for either her or you. Work on changing this for now: "At times i get so frustrated that i do opposite of what i should do.but i guess that's normal in this situation." You're right it's not uncommon to do the opposite of what we should do, but it is still not good for us. Get some professional help if you cannot understand or change why you do this on your own. Changing yourself is the best way for you to get your wife to love you again. -Kurt
I agree that I need to work on my temper. I am ready to do whatever I can to save the love of my life. At times I think that I always did what my wife wanted me to & never opposed a single time.
She didn't allow me to have sex biologically, i agreed. She still wanted physical satisfaction, i used alternatives for that. I didn't expect any compromise from her for my desires. I just wanted trustworthy relationship but she did this. Love /fling can happen to anyone but before indulging in such things she could have thought about my sacrifices. Even if i let this point go then there are other questions.. The guy that she was with till now was a drug & sex addict. Everyone can see my love but she cant. The problem with me is that, when it comes to her, my heart is ready to forget anything and everything.
When she was involved in the other guy, i was gully aware & she knew that i knew about all this and i didnt utter a single word apart from telling her that she might get hurt & if it happens, i will be there always to support her. In ur opinion what wrong have i done till now?
San, I'm not sure what you've done wrong. I appreciate you're willingness to look at yourself, but don't forget that she has things she needs to change, improve on, and do differently too. -Kurt
I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and we've been living together for that long. I didn't have a great home life when I met him, my stepmom and dad didn't really care about me and I was treated like the maid/prisoner by my stepmom, and my dad didn't say anything, of the house so I finally got the guts to leave and I moved out. In comes the bf who took me in and gave me a roof over my head. I was 20 at the time and he taught me how to drive and took care of me, my parents stopped talking to me, completely cut me off said I was making the biggest mistake of my life and would regret it.
Well lately me and him have been arguing a lot. I feel like he doesn't listen to when I ask him to just pick up after himself, and I see it has being disrespectful towards mw. He says I treat him like dirt and gers mad at me even when I'm not mad at him him. He twists things that I say to him and makes me the bad person in the situation.
I know I get mad easily, and I bet frustrated at times, but I feel like I'm always the one being blamed for what goes wrong, even if I had no part in it... I just want things to go right between me and him, I don't want to ruin another relationship in my life
I’m with my bf for 2 year now. We have a long distance relationship. After 2 years coming and going, we decided to get married in order to start permanent life together. In this 2 year, the longest time that we spent together is couple of times for 3 mounts ( approximately one year ) . A cording to this situation, I wasn’t able to work something permanent, not in my country, and not in his. I think that this situation, slowly start to affect me, and I develop anger and not satisfaction with myself, and that affect the relationship. Always when we was staying together for 3 mounts, it was very nice. We build nice home, we are doing things together. But on some points, totally unnecessary, I was very critical and jealous. Because of this, now I think that I develop some anger in the relationship, and this anger is bigger now when we start the preparation for marriage, witch unfortunately is the only way how we can start normal life together. I’m really struggling with that. I love him so much, and I really don’t want that our relationship is ending, because were very good together. We was speaking, and he said that he is feeling that the flame in the relationship is very low, we don’t want to lose each other, and we want to work on it.. I relay need advice how to manage all this, and how to make the flame big again.
Beki, I am not sure this is really an anger issue. Check out the subjects Love Is Gone and Relationship Advice on the right of this page for some ideas and suggestions. -Kurt
Well its been kind of a rough three years with my girlfriend. I do have a kid with her. I know where my feelings are for her and I try to show them to her but with everyday life situations being in the middle It has been hard for me to show her I love her. I was wondering if you have information that could help me and my relationship.
Juan, Just recognizing that you need help in dealing with your relationship is a great first step. There are many articles on the blog that can offer some help. See Relationship Advice, Communication and Marriage Problems - even if you're not married, the articles will be helpful. If you need specifically anger management, see that section and consider taking classes. -Kurt