Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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Experiencing a midlife crisis can upend anyone’s life, as well as the the lives of those they love.
When it’s a husband’s midlife crisis, however, many wives go into crisis management mode and feel they must do something to fix it.
Typically, the need to fix problems is more of a male instinct, but it can be hard for any of us to see our partner lost, hurting, and self-destructive. So, when you believe your husband is having a midlife crisis, most wives find it very hard to do nothing.
One of the biggest mistakes a wife can make with a husband in midlife crisis though is pushing him to “fix” or change his behavior. Often a wife’s response, although well intended, will just drive her husband even deeper into his midlife crisis.
Recently, a wife whose husband is having a midlife crisis asked me to give her some guidance on what to do. Here’s how she described their situation:
My husband of 21 years together 25, abruptly asked me if I was happy. Told me he wasn't and then he said ‘I don't love you anymore.' He's 48 and military and works 6.5 hours from home. I did the wrong thing and pleaded for a chance to work on it with him. We have 2 sons about to move to college and have talked about all the fun trips and things we will get when back to together soon, but now this suddenly came out? I see all the actions and behavior of a husband in midlife crisis, but what do I do?" -Nancy
So, what should Nancy do?
Although difficult, she’ll need first to accept that she can’t change him. Second, she needs to understand that what can do is influence him.
When you see the man you love destroying his life and yours in the process, it’s really hard not to intervene. But to have the best outcome you've got to be strategic in how you respond.
Finding the most effective way to face your husband’s midlife crisis requires a calm mind.
Anyone whose spouse has had a midlife crisis knows that keeping calm and looking at things logically during this time is extremely difficult. The emotions attached to what you’re dealing with can just be overwhelming.
What does it look like to influence a husband’s midlife crisis?
Here are 5 dos and don'ts that can help accomplish this:
Although this will be hard for wives to hear, one of the contributors to a husband’s midlife crisis can be his relationship with his wife. Please note that I wrote 'contributor,' not cause.
It's important that wives hear this difference and not be personally hurt by the idea they could be part of the problem. Wives should remind themselves that they can’t fix their husband's midlife crisis – only he can do that. And the best way to help him to do this is not to push too hard and make him feel worse. So, give him space.
It's okay to try and understand what's happening with your husband, but be careful what you call it. For a lot of men, any suggestion of a mental health problem, such as a midlife crisis or being depressed, will be met with pushback. If you label his problem you could lose his willingness to listen to your suggestions of ways to help.
The reason for this is similar to the reason not to label the problem. It's very possible that your husband may already feel that you either "nag" him or only see the things he does wrong. Although your intent is to help him, by pointing out the symptoms of a husband’s midlife crisis. it's possible he’ll only hear you “criticizing” him.
Rather than pointing out midlife crisis symptoms to your husband, suggest ways the changes you see are hurting him. You can do this by making observations such as, "I notice that you don't seem to enjoy playing golf anymore," or "You seem more stressed and need to drink a lot more to relax."
Another reason not to focus on the symptoms of a husband in midlife crisis is because it’s far more important to discover and address the underlying cause. When you have an idea of the possible reasons he’s facing a midlife crisis you can be much more effective in helping him.
I work with men and women dealing with midlife crisis on a weekly basis. Some common causes I see for men include:
We’re all inclined to reject the help of those closest to us. Some of this is just human nature, and some traces back to power struggles with our parents.
Sadly, and to our detriment, this tendency can still exist in adulthood as we can reject loved ones who try to help us too. This is why it's so important just to ask, suggest, and reflect on what you see happening during a midlife crisis, rather than directly telling your husband what to do.
A husband midlife crisis can be very complicated. Often there are multiple causes that have led him to this point. Understanding what those possibly are can help give you an idea about how you can support him in getting to the other side.
It’s important to know there are no shortcuts, which means you’ll need a large amount of patience.
Unfortunately, handling things poorly can extend a midlife crisis even longer than necessary. Leading to tragic consequences like, money problems, addictions, and even divorce as the impact of a midlife crisis takes its toll.
How a wife responds can make a huge difference in the responsiveness of her husband. Although, I must say that a husband’s response is solely his responsibility. Even though a wife can be a big influence, ultimately his behavior is up to him.
There are significant psychological issues occurring during a midlife crisis, so getting the help of a professional counselor is very important for both of you. I work with wives every week guiding them on the best way they can influence their midlife crisis husband.
In the meantime, wives can best help their husband by not being 'Mrs. Fix-it' and following the recommendations above.
If your husband’s having a midlife crisis it’s understandable that you’d want to help. Not only is it painful to see someone you love struggling, it’s also likely that his midlife crisis is destroying your life together.
But this is where big mistakes can be made, so remember,
If your husband’s midlife crisis has you worried about making mistakes that will make things worse, working with an experienced counselor is a smart move.
Professional guidance can help a man resolve his midlife crisis, as well as keep a wife from making well-intentioned but detrimental mistakes.
Join the conversation and please share your thoughts and experience with a husband in midlife crisis in a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 31, 2012, updated on November 17, 2017, and March 1, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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I recently stumbled on this website and was glad I did. I experienced my husband's MLC 20 years ago but didn't really understand what was happening at the time. I thought people simply fall out of love sometimes and that that's what happened to us. Now I know it was classic male MLC. Why I was reaching out for information is because I had stumbled across some old correspondence that my husband had printed and saved in a folder which I'm certain he had long forgotten about. In the folder was all kinds of information about his MLC cheating days, way more than I had known about, and it temporarily set me off like it happened yesterday. I found this website and I started reading about other women's experiences and could relate to most of it. My husband and I had been together 21 years, had been through some rough times, and because our relationship was strong, we not only survived but thrived. I was crazy about him, even 21 years into our marriage. Then seemingly out of the blue, a MLC arose, same as everyone else, came up out of nowhere. I had invited a coworker, a work friend, to visit. My husband, who had been a faithful, loving partner for so long -- and had never met her before -- moved in with her two weeks later. Everyone at my work knew about it. To make matters worse, he proceeded to come by work every day to take her to lunch and pick her up to go home together. Can you imagine? I asked him what he was doing and he replied, "I know exactly what I'm doing." That was about all the conversation we had. We lost our house; we lost our savings. Of course, I was in shock, humiliated, and I don't know exactly how I got through all of it. I moved into an apartment before the bad credit hit and filed for divorce. I tried to pick up my life and go forward but it was hard. I “worked from home” a lot and fortunately my boss supported me. As time passed, I tried my best to keep my head up and keep on keeping on. She got fired a few months later for stealing which didn’t give me much pleasure because they were still together. Fast forward, a year went by and I started getting late night phone calls from him which I didn’t answer. Finally I did answer and we talked. He was back to the guy I used to know. Eventually we got back together and the relationship went on exactly as it had before. Things were good; we were happy. It was as if nothing bad had ever happened between us. I didn’t punish him, and he became a better man than he had been before all this happened. He told me he had lost his mind and eventually found it again. I’m just sharing because I wanted to let you know that not every marriage is destroyed when, if, MLC hits. Some men affected by MLC do find their way back and if they’re lucky, can make amends to the people they’ve hurt.
Hi Kacy, Thanks for sharing your story! I appreciate your helping others know that reconciliation does happen. However, your description - "it temporarily set me off like it happened yesterday" - sounds like you missed an important step in recovery from midlife crisis - healing. It takes intentional work to heal the wounds. I hope you'll get the help to do that for yourself. -Dr. Kurt`