Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
4 Min Read
Contents
Experiencing a midlife crisis can upend anyone’s life, as well as the the lives of those they love.
When it’s a husband’s midlife crisis, however, many wives go into crisis management mode and feel they must do something to fix it.
Typically, the need to fix problems is more of a male instinct, but it can be hard for any of us to see our partner lost, hurting, and self-destructive. So, when you believe your husband is having a midlife crisis, most wives find it very hard to do nothing.
One of the biggest mistakes a wife can make with a husband in midlife crisis though is pushing him to “fix” or change his behavior. Often a wife’s response, although well intended, will just drive her husband even deeper into his midlife crisis.
Recently, a wife whose husband is having a midlife crisis asked me to give her some guidance on what to do. Here’s how she described their situation:
My husband of 21 years together 25, abruptly asked me if I was happy. Told me he wasn't and then he said ‘I don't love you anymore.' He's 48 and military and works 6.5 hours from home. I did the wrong thing and pleaded for a chance to work on it with him. We have 2 sons about to move to college and have talked about all the fun trips and things we will get when back to together soon, but now this suddenly came out? I see all the actions and behavior of a husband in midlife crisis, but what do I do?" -Nancy
So, what should Nancy do?
Although difficult, she’ll need first to accept that she can’t change him. Second, she needs to understand that what can do is influence him.
When you see the man you love destroying his life and yours in the process, it’s really hard not to intervene. But to have the best outcome you've got to be strategic in how you respond.
Finding the most effective way to face your husband’s midlife crisis requires a calm mind.
Anyone whose spouse has had a midlife crisis knows that keeping calm and looking at things logically during this time is extremely difficult. The emotions attached to what you’re dealing with can just be overwhelming.
What does it look like to influence a husband’s midlife crisis?
Here are 5 dos and don'ts that can help accomplish this:
Although this will be hard for wives to hear, one of the contributors to a husband’s midlife crisis can be his relationship with his wife. Please note that I wrote 'contributor,' not cause.
It's important that wives hear this difference and not be personally hurt by the idea they could be part of the problem. Wives should remind themselves that they can’t fix their husband's midlife crisis – only he can do that. And the best way to help him to do this is not to push too hard and make him feel worse. So, give him space.
It's okay to try and understand what's happening with your husband, but be careful what you call it. For a lot of men, any suggestion of a mental health problem, such as a midlife crisis or being depressed, will be met with pushback. If you label his problem you could lose his willingness to listen to your suggestions of ways to help.
The reason for this is similar to the reason not to label the problem. It's very possible that your husband may already feel that you either "nag" him or only see the things he does wrong. Although your intent is to help him, by pointing out the symptoms of a husband’s midlife crisis. it's possible he’ll only hear you “criticizing” him.
Rather than pointing out midlife crisis symptoms to your husband, suggest ways the changes you see are hurting him. You can do this by making observations such as, "I notice that you don't seem to enjoy playing golf anymore," or "You seem more stressed and need to drink a lot more to relax."
Another reason not to focus on the symptoms of a husband in midlife crisis is because it’s far more important to discover and address the underlying cause. When you have an idea of the possible reasons he’s facing a midlife crisis you can be much more effective in helping him.
I work with men and women dealing with midlife crisis on a weekly basis. Some common causes I see for men include:
We’re all inclined to reject the help of those closest to us. Some of this is just human nature, and some traces back to power struggles with our parents.
Sadly, and to our detriment, this tendency can still exist in adulthood as we can reject loved ones who try to help us too. This is why it's so important just to ask, suggest, and reflect on what you see happening during a midlife crisis, rather than directly telling your husband what to do.
A husband midlife crisis can be very complicated. Often there are multiple causes that have led him to this point. Understanding what those possibly are can help give you an idea about how you can support him in getting to the other side.
It’s important to know there are no shortcuts, which means you’ll need a large amount of patience.
Unfortunately, handling things poorly can extend a midlife crisis even longer than necessary. Leading to tragic consequences like, money problems, addictions, and even divorce as the impact of a midlife crisis takes its toll.
How a wife responds can make a huge difference in the responsiveness of her husband. Although, I must say that a husband’s response is solely his responsibility. Even though a wife can be a big influence, ultimately his behavior is up to him.
There are significant psychological issues occurring during a midlife crisis, so getting the help of a professional counselor is very important for both of you. I work with wives every week guiding them on the best way they can influence their midlife crisis husband.
In the meantime, wives can best help their husband by not being 'Mrs. Fix-it' and following the recommendations above.
If your husband’s having a midlife crisis it’s understandable that you’d want to help. Not only is it painful to see someone you love struggling, it’s also likely that his midlife crisis is destroying your life together.
But this is where big mistakes can be made, so remember,
If your husband’s midlife crisis has you worried about making mistakes that will make things worse, working with an experienced counselor is a smart move.
Professional guidance can help a man resolve his midlife crisis, as well as keep a wife from making well-intentioned but detrimental mistakes.
Join the conversation and please share your thoughts and experience with a husband in midlife crisis in a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 31, 2012, updated on November 17, 2017, and March 1, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
My husband has been texting with a former coworker who is 20+ years his junior. They were texting before, and I found some very flirty texts, so confronted him...He denied that it meant anything and apologized...admitted that it stroked his ego to have this young woman talking like that to him but it meant nothing else. I thought we'd resolved things and were back on track, but I'm not a fool, either. SO, I've continued to check his texts every now and then (he changed his phone password, but I'm smart. I figured it out. There was nothing for quite a while, but then just the other day, she texted him again, and the texts were clearly flirty AGAIN. " I should date someone older. You and I always got along.... Too bad you're married..." his response was "you're sweet. I'm too old." NOT, "No, not too bad...I love my wife". I don't know what to do...obviously he's still involved, even if it hasn't progressed beyond the flirting (yet). AND he knows he's doing wrong because he deleted all texts conversations between them (I guess just in case...)
so long story short men are plain down fkn pigs you can be the best woman in the world and its never fkn enough
Most of these stories are describing what I am going through right now with my husband. He just turned 40. We have been married for 18 years. For his birthday he went out with a much younger crowd who is half his age. Ever since that day he has been drinking every weekend. And when he does, he gets in his feelings and will start texting me. One day can be that it is better if I move on and let him go. That he is not worth loving. That I think I love him but it's just me being used to him since we have been married a long time. Why am I so hard headed and won't let him go. That our marriage has been over for a long time that he just wants to be free and feels like he is trapped. He'll say hurtful things like our children and I ruined his life because he can't be free and party when he wants to. The next day it's I love you and will always love you because you are the one. He has changed his appearance and has been taking pictures of himself a lot more now and acting so out of character to where a lot of our friends and family members are noticing and questioning if he is ok. Early in our first couple of years of marriage he was always going out and would get home late very drunk. During that time I found out he had been talking to one of his ex-girlfriends. Now it's like he is trying to relive that again bad bump in our marriage. I have told him if he feels like he needs to go out that I have no problem with it. That he can have his guys night out every weekend just so he doesn't feel like he can't have his time alone with his friends. I have also told him if he wants to leave our home and end our marriage the door is wide open and there will be no coming back. He will say he can come around when he has "needs" he needs me to fulfill. That I can be assured he wants to settle with another woman, that he just wants to be free. He has become more intimate with me lately and he will calm down. But then it's like something clicks in his mind and he starts with the "I want to go out and be free but you won't let me go". I am trying to be a supportive wife and be there for him. Help him get through this transition. I love him so much and would not want to lose him but I also know that something are not in my control.
my husband's attitude concerning his mid-life affair is threatening to steal my sanity. He needs space and so do I. Living apart seems the only way to not only help myself heal but also help him find what it is he's looking for. I don't want a divorce but I won't be his plan B when plan A (AP)doesn't work out. Only when he realizes I am the one he doesn't want to lose will I be open to reconciliation. When he can accept responsibility of his actions and stop the blame game and he shows genuine remorse we might just make it.
Ms. Tee, What happened? I am currently going through the same thing. I moved out a couple of months ago and don't really feel like interacting with him at all. We have 14 years soon to be 15 and I cannot wait until they are 18 and we no longer need to engage with each other.
My husband, our 19 year anniversary is Monday, is having a MLC. His father passed away in January and in April I lost my job. I recently discovered, through phone records, he has been talking to a woman since July. She is the delivery driver that comes everyday to his work. He has told me he loves me but isn't in love with me. He doesn't want to work on the marriage and told me all the things I have done wrong. I want this to work and I can sometimes see part of him again. Anytime I say anything about the things he's doing I get you don't want me to be happy, you just want me up your butt 24/7. HELP!!!
Kay, We have a couple of resources that can help you. I created a video series showing you what to do when the Love is gone, and I'm finishing several instruction manuals to help partners who are dealing with a parter having a Midlife Crisis. A link to more info is at the top of the page. -Dr. Kurt