Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
4 Min Read
Contents
We receive many questions from married couples who are struggling to find happiness together. Often many of them have begun to wonder if the reason they’re unhappy is because they married the wrong person.
The ideal marriage is one that creates a partnership for life. However, facing the rest of your life together when you believe you’ve married the wrong person can be disheartening and depressing.
Below is a question we received from Andrew, a man in just this situation. He’s concerned that he may have made a mistake when he married his wife and unsure of what to do about it. My answer follows.
Reader Question:
I married the wrong person. I've been married for 12 years. And I now realize that I settled for my wife. She wasn't really what I wanted. It was convenient to marry her, and to be honest, convenient to stay with her. However, as I've grown over the years, I find myself truly unhappy in our marriage and have come to the conclusion that I married the wrong woman. I have really nothing in common with my wife: conversation interests, political, religious, hobbies, nothing. No matter how much I try, I cannot get interested in her conversation. We now have a 7 and 6 year old, to complicate this further. Recently, we have had to separate due to my work, and I was bored one evening, and spent some time with another woman, who I am now having an affair with. I never thought I would be cheating on my wife, but I don't regret this, and find myself trying to figure out how to handle being married to the wrong person. Does this make me a horrible man?" -Andrew
Andrew is in a bad spot. Not only is his marriage suffering, but he’s also now compounded the problems by having an affair. It’s not surprising he’s questioning his marriage, but it’s good that he is.
My Answer:
I hear, “I married the wrong person” regularly, from both men and women. When people are unhappy in their marriage they look for reasons to explain why, the easiest target is the other person.
Rather than see things they don't like about their partner as things that could change, most people feel they just need to change partners. With that line of thinking it's then very easy to develop the belief that you must have married the wrong person in the first place.
Part of the problem with Andrew’s belief that he "married the wrong woman" is that it feeds the misconception that there’s the "right" person or “perfect” partner out there somewhere and that, when you've found your true love, you’ll be happy forever.
As romantic a notion as this is, it’s simply not true.
Songs, books, and movies would all have us believe in the happily ever after. And there is a version of that for many people – but it takes WORK to keep it going. They leave that part out.
Relationships take work – all of them.
Relationships also change over time because people and life change over time.
In all relationships we're either growing together or growing apart. If we don't regularly feed a relationship, invest in it, and make it grow, we can become unhappy, no matter how perfect the other person seemed at the beginning.
No, Andrew, you're not a horrible man. But you are a man cheating on your wife and that needs to stop.
Nothing you’re facing with your wife will be made better by introducing a third person into the mix and betraying your vows.
You may be right when you say, "I settled for my wife."
However, even if that was true then, it doesn't have to mean your marriage cannot become happy and successful now. You’ve built a life together and in 12 years have likely found reasons to love each other.
Talk to a couple’s counselor, by yourself to start, and learn the ways you can change your marriage and find the happiness you’re seeking in it, rather than outside of it. Here are some of the benefits of couples counseling.
There are many reasons why it can feel like the person you married was the wrong one. Most of the time that feeling arises when you realize that you no longer feel the way you did at the time you exchanged vows. Or perhaps you feel like you never really loved your partner in the first place.
What people often fail to recognize is that feelings within a marriage do change over time and that’s completely normal.
That original new-love feeling doesn’t last forever, and it’s not supposed to.
In a healthy relationship those feelings deepen into an even stronger, but different, love that’s the necessary foundation for a family and life together. That doesn’t happen without work though.
If you’ve begun to feel like you married the wrong person, it could be because you’ve grown apart and no longer feel the closeness and intimacy a strong relationship needs.
This is generally a result of,
And each of these (and others) can be fixed.
Every successful relationship requires attention in the form of time, effort, and communication.
Unfortunately, it’s far easier to recognize the need for those things than it is to make them a reality.
If you’re worried you’re with the wrong person it’s quite possible you’ll feel differently once you and your partner start working together on making changes to your marriage.
Before your give up, spend some time thinking about the following:
So, next time you’re thinking, “This is too hard, I think I married the wrong person,” take a step back and look a little closer.
Is it the person or the amount of effort that’s really the problem?
Do you believe you married the wrong person? Share why you believe that in the comment section below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on June 30, 2012, updated on October 16, 2018, and then again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
Money conversations have a way of going sideways fast, especially in a relationship, learn how to navigate it here.
It starts with something small – a late bill, an argument over groceries, a home repair, even kids’ school supplies.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
I'm 38 and have been with the same woman for 7 years. Married her a year ago. She's 34. My wife is an amazing person, has an awesome personality, is highly intelligent, we've very similar interests, matching political views and generally the same outlook on life. We also hardly ever argue. We met online and whilst I wasn't super attracted to her on a physical level (bit heavier than I'd like), I did fall in love with her great personality. Whilst I still love her as a person, I'm now no longer attracted to her on a physical level at all due to massive and avoidable weight gain over the last few years.
This is going to sound terrible but the thought of having sex with her actually repulses me. She let herself go massively about 2.5 years into the relationship and I didn't say anything because I knew it'd hurt her feelings. I should have been a lot more honest.
She put on a ton of weight (60 pounds) through overeating and no exercise and although she's now depressed about it, she has shown no interest to lose the pounds and multiple stomachs. I've tried and tried to make her see sense but it's like speaking to a brick wall. It's also affecting her health - we went jogging fairly recently and she was hyperventilating after only 100 yards. This isn't normal for someone who's only 34.
I let myself go but sorted it out and lost 3 stone. I’m now in really good shape. I wished she'd done the same.
Our sex life is generally pretty awful (it used to be exciting) and to complicate matters, she's pregnant. I doubt her size is conducive to giving birth and I think she's going to put a lot more weight on. The situation is pretty desperate and I've not told anyone…including my family.
There's also a single woman I've known for 20 years who for reasons I can't entirely explain, I find incredibly alluring. She's a close friend of my mate's wife and I'm pretty friendly with her. She's a nice girl but our personalities aren't as well matched.
Moreover, this woman is nowhere as pretty facially as my wife but is 80 pounds lighter and has a much, much better body (5ft 7, Size 8 UK). Her slim body is what I used to look for in a girl. There's always been an incredibly strong and awkward sexual tension between us but it's never developed into sex or a relationship probably because we were/are in the same social circles. Even my wife remarked on how awkward things were between us all when we saw her entirely by chance at a Library.
Sometimes I wish I'd married her instead and she's still very chatty on Facebook PM. Perhaps fortunately, I don't get to see her that often or just us alone because I fear one thing could lead to another.
What a f**ked up situation.
Wow...I didn't think anyone actually understood exactly what I've been going through for 15 years. After a tough breakup, in which I thought I'd found the one, I found myself in a relationship after just 3 months. It was completely random. Friend of a friend. After months of her calling and hangin out, She decided to not use the open-ended ticket she had to continue travelling the world, but instead cash it in to take us on a 21 day vacation to Guatemala and Honduras. I guess I felt like I owed her. We always got along. But since we moved in together after 3.5 years, she stopped exercising the way she used to, and has put on over 100 pounds, from 150 to 250. We fight ALL THE TIME. She's completely obsessed with technology and playing games on her phone. She's 37. She isn't a horrible person, she just doesn't care to get to know me. We are so disconnected but she's in denial. The 2 times I've told her I'm moving out, for both of us, she starts crying. Makes me feel bad. She decided to invest in a dog when we should've been making decisions about our future. She doesn't even play with him or take him for walks unless I say something, which TOTALLY makes me think this is the kind of mother she'd be. Her mother is a wino, is that still a term? She's cornered me after drinking a bottle or two, and stated that her and her husband have always thought I didn't love their daughter, and that I'm using her. Using her for what?!?!?!? I've been hanging on a long as I can, and I just feel like she doesn't want to be on my team. She never defends me to her parents. She never thinks about just starting a life with me and moving away from her parents. We just think SO DIFFERENTLY that i think we'd BOTH be happier with people we connected with. We just sit in different rooms, and go to sleep separately. There's no connection.
I knew I settled for the wrong woman from the get go, but I did it anyways. 12 years and 4 children later, I’m suffering internally. I can’t even stand to listen to her talk. Everything she does annoys me. She actually doesn’t know I feel this way. Objectively she’s a great mom and a good person. I refuse to divorce her because of my religious convictions, and I love my kids dearly. We almost never fight or argue. Day after day, year after year I just suffer in silence. It kills me knowing I had opportunities with women that I had truly deep affections for, and now I’m just stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Hello everyone
I am the guy or more accurately I know I am the wrong person to be married to. I woke up one day and realized I couldn't fake my emotions anymore or lie what they really was. My love was actually the bare minimum respect I give strangers. Even now when I think about it I feel as though I basically lived the past 9 years in a haze and not thinking at all. Now I realize I have two kids (both against my wishes cause I wanted to not be renting) and going farther down a relationship that is ruining two adults and possibly my kids childhood. I know I'm the wrong person to marry cause I'm 10 years younger then my soon to be ex wife. I was warned several times but it really wasn't till my grandmother inheritance came up and how I heard how she plans on spending the money and ignoring me that I realized I made so many mistakes. I didn't notice my own issues and I didn't see her red flags till now. And ultimately I can be there somewhat (she will not move limiting good jobs) for the kids moneywise and maybe a few visits I just have no emotional attachment to anyone in the family at all. I feel like the awkward new teacher and the kids only see me as a friend or a weird older brother anyway (the mother has two of her own before the two we had so the youngest follow the oldest.
When divorce became an option ( no matter how bad I don't want to swim in that lake of lava) I felt the thoughts of suicide leave which one a day leads to a bunch of thoughts. I literally need to fix and work on myself. I admit I wasted time and brought life into the world to suffer but she won't admit that something was wrong with me and she married me anyway. My first girlfriend had the decency and respect to tell me she was only in love with the idea of being with me. I can look my soon to be ex wife in the eyes right now and not feel upset if she told me if she was cheating or wanted the divorce first. The only thing I can think is that the family will be better off if I'm not here. When we have conversations I can FEEL her just ignoring the words out my mouth. I recently took time to go thru my hobbies with her and she actively found other things to do AFTER I took time to cook and clean and entertain the kids she just ended up clocking out and either sleeping or talking to her friend. I SPEND money on half decent back massage caus everytime I ask for one she half tries then go to sleep morning noon night. I have lost desire to cook which also means I haven't eat ( I won't eat food someone else cooked in my kitchen or out of my sight) And as I think about everything 80% of the housework was done by me even while working. She collects government benefits and wants me to file in on my SSI (only 29 but Im eligible)
I grew up in the south there is very few things I can't tolerate but someone who don't care about their own health and won't try to be a member of society without being "millionaires" and people who believe in that they "deserve" or entitled to things is everything she is. I do have proof of emotional/mental cheating and when she sexted some guy in jail/prison. I should have broken it off then cause cheating is what broke my mother but for whatever reason I decided to hang on for another 5-6 years.
I regret getting off that pavement from a hit and run.
I regret not having a secondary dream job in place.
I regret wasting the time and energy of a half made family.
I regret looking for help in someone who also needs help.
I don't regret securing a rented home for myself and someone else who wouldn't be able to get it otherwise.
I don't regret not being part of the dating scene.
I don't regret the divorce.
Benjamin, Thanks for sharing your story. I can tell you that it's not as unique as you may think. You wrote, "I literally need to fix and work on myself." Then do it. Get some professional help when you do it too so you don't miss something. -Dr. Kurt
Married for 28years now. Seems like we’re just roommates and the only time we talk is in an argument and never have sex anymore, I think having a girlfriend on the side is what keeps me sain, so why bother with a divorce it would make things worse, it’s just cheaper to keep her. 🙁
Smart I’d do the same.