Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
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We receive many questions from married couples who are struggling to find happiness together. Often many of them have begun to wonder if the reason they’re unhappy is because they married the wrong person.
The ideal marriage is one that creates a partnership for life. However, facing the rest of your life together when you believe you’ve married the wrong person can be disheartening and depressing.
Below is a question we received from Andrew, a man in just this situation. He’s concerned that he may have made a mistake when he married his wife and unsure of what to do about it. My answer follows.
Reader Question:
I married the wrong person. I've been married for 12 years. And I now realize that I settled for my wife. She wasn't really what I wanted. It was convenient to marry her, and to be honest, convenient to stay with her. However, as I've grown over the years, I find myself truly unhappy in our marriage and have come to the conclusion that I married the wrong woman. I have really nothing in common with my wife: conversation interests, political, religious, hobbies, nothing. No matter how much I try, I cannot get interested in her conversation. We now have a 7 and 6 year old, to complicate this further. Recently, we have had to separate due to my work, and I was bored one evening, and spent some time with another woman, who I am now having an affair with. I never thought I would be cheating on my wife, but I don't regret this, and find myself trying to figure out how to handle being married to the wrong person. Does this make me a horrible man?" -Andrew
Andrew is in a bad spot. Not only is his marriage suffering, but he’s also now compounded the problems by having an affair. It’s not surprising he’s questioning his marriage, but it’s good that he is.
My Answer:
I hear, “I married the wrong person” regularly, from both men and women. When people are unhappy in their marriage they look for reasons to explain why, the easiest target is the other person.
Rather than see things they don't like about their partner as things that could change, most people feel they just need to change partners. With that line of thinking it's then very easy to develop the belief that you must have married the wrong person in the first place.
Part of the problem with Andrew’s belief that he "married the wrong woman" is that it feeds the misconception that there’s the "right" person or “perfect” partner out there somewhere and that, when you've found your true love, you’ll be happy forever.
As romantic a notion as this is, it’s simply not true.
Songs, books, and movies would all have us believe in the happily ever after. And there is a version of that for many people – but it takes WORK to keep it going. They leave that part out.
Relationships take work – all of them.
Relationships also change over time because people and life change over time.
In all relationships we're either growing together or growing apart. If we don't regularly feed a relationship, invest in it, and make it grow, we can become unhappy, no matter how perfect the other person seemed at the beginning.
No, Andrew, you're not a horrible man. But you are a man cheating on your wife and that needs to stop.
Nothing you’re facing with your wife will be made better by introducing a third person into the mix and betraying your vows.
You may be right when you say, "I settled for my wife."
However, even if that was true then, it doesn't have to mean your marriage cannot become happy and successful now. You’ve built a life together and in 12 years have likely found reasons to love each other.
Talk to a couple’s counselor, by yourself to start, and learn the ways you can change your marriage and find the happiness you’re seeking in it, rather than outside of it. Here are some of the benefits of couples counseling.
There are many reasons why it can feel like the person you married was the wrong one. Most of the time that feeling arises when you realize that you no longer feel the way you did at the time you exchanged vows. Or perhaps you feel like you never really loved your partner in the first place.
What people often fail to recognize is that feelings within a marriage do change over time and that’s completely normal.
That original new-love feeling doesn’t last forever, and it’s not supposed to.
In a healthy relationship those feelings deepen into an even stronger, but different, love that’s the necessary foundation for a family and life together. That doesn’t happen without work though.
If you’ve begun to feel like you married the wrong person, it could be because you’ve grown apart and no longer feel the closeness and intimacy a strong relationship needs.
This is generally a result of,
And each of these (and others) can be fixed.
Every successful relationship requires attention in the form of time, effort, and communication.
Unfortunately, it’s far easier to recognize the need for those things than it is to make them a reality.
If you’re worried you’re with the wrong person it’s quite possible you’ll feel differently once you and your partner start working together on making changes to your marriage.
Before your give up, spend some time thinking about the following:
So, next time you’re thinking, “This is too hard, I think I married the wrong person,” take a step back and look a little closer.
Is it the person or the amount of effort that’s really the problem?
Do you believe you married the wrong person? Share why you believe that in the comment section below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on June 30, 2012, updated on October 16, 2018, and then again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
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The women I was attracted to wanted nothing to do with me. Frankly I realize they were capable of landing men far better than I. I ended up settling for my wife as she was the only one who would have me. Five years later I am absolutely miserable. I make all the money, do at least half the housework, and she is at home "studying" for a professional program she will never get into. I put studying in quotes because there is liberal Facebook, online shopping, and phone conversations sprinkled in. Marriage is for alpha males who command respect from women. Not for betas like myself whom women take for granted. Time to save my sanity and end my useless marriage. For other beta males I advise you to stay by yourselves and not make the mistake I did.
My wife and I grew apart years ago. We have 2 kids. I travel and could easily cheat but do not. I am not positive that she doesn't however. Our sex life is nonexistent. She is not attractive to me. She doesnt take care of herself and I work out religiously. Couselling hasnt worked. Man I want someone to talk to about this.
I am continuously been disillusioned by my marriage to someone I think I actually didn't wanted in the first place. She got pregnant for me in an affair because she wanted it badly to pin me down, eventually we settled down as husband and wife. To be frank, She is an extremely stubborn person that does exactly opposite of what I approve of, and whole lot of other things that is happening. As it is now, I am totally disconnected from Her emotionally, spiritually, physically and otherwise. It makes me feel that marriage is a miserable thing, and She wouldn't want to see me leave Her yet making the union hellish for me. I don't know what to do, at time I feel strongly about divorce, I consider my little kids (A girl and a boy). I am confused as much as the union is so miserable to me. I need help please.
Hi Fred, I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing so much unhappiness. Unfortunately, it's difficult to give you specific advice without talking to you directly and without additional information. Given that things are so difficult right now and that you have children involved, I suggest you consider marriage counseling for you and your wife. It's quite possible that with help the two of you can find happiness together. - Dr. Kurt
To be honest, I do think there are 'right' and 'wrong' people out there for everyone. Not neccessarily just one single, perfect human, but a list of attributes that have to match up in order for most marriages to work well.
* Similar age (sometimes if the man is a bit older it can still work, but it's rare). Couples get on better when they can share cultural references, values, childhood memories, in-jokes. The familiar is more attractive and comforting for most people.
* Same values, goals, interests (not all, but close enough that you have things you can share together after working seperately all week). This is especially important for workaholics (I speak from experience). A workaholic needs a fellow workaholic or one will feel ignored, bored, angry and the other will grow tired of getting 'mmmhmm' type responses when they really need someone on their wavelength to brainstorm and bounce ideas off.
* Same culture, language, religion, politics. Again, familiarity is more attractive to most people. The whole 'opposites attract' things is pretty much a myth based on the studies done. Once the novelty wears off, especially in times of stress, people focus on differences as negatives.
* Same attitudes towards sex (a big difference in libido, kinkiness, attitudes towards sex, etc tends to end badly). People need to discuss these things before tying the knot. If one of you is a vanilla, once a week sort of person and the other is a S&M loving, 1-2 times a day person, then you need to know in advance.
* Same goals - both want to live in the country, both want a huge family, both want pet cats, etc? Great. If not, you need to talk about it before saying 'I do'.
* Personality and energy levels (something a lot of people ignore until much later). Is one of you very energetic, optimistic, immature, loves socialising and the other a quiet, stay at home, serious, bookworm? You're going to struggle when the weekend comes and you pull in opposite directions or have to continuously compromise.
* Attitudes towards self 'maintenance'. You could both be models now, but time will make you grey, wrinkly and saggy. If one of you finds it important to stay slim, fit, healthy and get a few cosmetic enhancements along the way and the other takes a more laid back approach, then there is going to be disappointment as times goes on. Plan ahead and talk about these things now rather than getting a shock later.
People need to treat marriage like a business partnership. Debate and agree certain things up front rather than taking a 'wait and see' approach.
Emma, I think this is some of the best advice I've heard on the subject.
My wife and I are very well matched on many levels but I no longer find her attractive. We both have different standards towards self maintenance. She's put on a ton of weight on in the relationship and is now a Size 18/20 UK weighing 15+ stone and is physically very unhealthy. I on the other hand, I'm 2 inches taller than her and yet weigh 11.5 stone.
Her lack of interest in her health and weight will probably kill the marriage as being in a semblance of good shape is important to me. I'd never expect her to be a supermodel but I expect her to at least care. She doesn't.
Great advice! I wish I had known or thought of this before I got married. Now I'm stuck in this situation for at least another year or two, if things turn out well.
I feel just like my life is pointless at this point. My hot wife stopped being hot 2 years after we were married. We have 2 kids that are great and we have both said we only are in it for the kids. I have tried the "let's get in shape together" thing before but she says that I am a shallow bastard because I dont chase her around like I used to when she was thin. I travel a bit and would have no problem picking up women but do not because I have vows to honor. She doesnt works, doesnt clean, doesnt do much besides stare at her cell phone. I have been in counselling about it and she told me that I should leave. Why does this have to be do Damn hard? I have tried managing the household duties only to be called an ass. I have tried to keep her spending in line only to be called "King of the house". F$%K me. My kids are oblivious to our situation. If we divorce I will support her forever because she hasnt worked in 8 years. Ugh