Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
Part 1 of 2
"Is my husband having a midlife crisis?" is a question I get asked pretty regularly by women.
Maybe he’s been acting out of character, making rash decisions, or seems suddenly dissatisfied with your life together. There are a variety of symptoms that wives cite when they believe their husbands are experiencing a midlife crisis, and they all can lead to confusion and pain.
Here's one woman's story of trying to understand what happened to the man she thought she was married to.
It's been 7 months since Derek told Lauren he wanted a divorce and moved out. For Lauren, it came out of nowhere, but for Derek, he had been contemplating what to do about his unhappiness for months, probably years.
Lauren came to our women's counseling to get help in how to respond to this 'new' Derek and make sense of what's happened to her shattered life. Later on I also met with her and Derek for divorce counseling to mediate their divorce.
Occasionally Lauren sees glimpses of the 'old' Derek she thought was her husband. Like when he calls her out of the blue and offers to help with something. But most of the time she deals with the 'new' Derek who takes things from the house without telling her, or makes a withdrawal from the ATM without talking to her first and overdraws their joint bank account.
As she's tried to make sense of 'new' Derek and his erratic behavior, she's been asking herself and me, "is he having a midlife crisis? Is he having an affair? Or is he depressed?"
The answer is potentially yes to all of those questions - although which have occurred, in what order, and have led to his behavior is still unclear.
The behavior of men having a midlife crisis can vary from man-to-man. There are, however, a number of actions that are fairly typical. Dissatisfaction with life, love or work; dramatic lifestyle changes; or affairs are all rather common. It’s also not uncommon for wives to feel like the unhappiness has come out of nowhere. In actuality these feelings have probably been festering for some time and circumstances or events trigger them to explode in a manner that puts the husband and his family into a crisis mode.
Here are some midlife crisis warning signs we can see in Derek that have helped Lauren see that, yes, he probably is, and has been, having a midlife crisis:
Unfortunately, it took Lauren almost 3 months after Derek moved out to seek out professional help by coming to women's counseling. By this time it was difficult to work together as a couple to turn things around. Being more aware of the warning signs and seeking help as soon as possible may not keep a midlife crisis from occurring, but it can help lessen the destructive outcomes.
Whether or not Derek is having a midlife crisis isn’t as important as just recognizing the warning signs of a problem that’s going to explode the way it did for Lauren. If she or Derek had responded to these signs sooner, it's possible that much of the pain they're now suffering could have been prevented.
Since the separation Derek has admitted he’s seeing another woman. Even though he insists it started after he moved out, Lauren's uncertain if that's really true. Derek’s now planning to change jobs and has also gone back to school.
Lauren has asked Derek that if changing jobs or going to school will make him happy, why he didn't do them before he left. Derek hasn't been able to answer her. Chances are he doesn’t know the answer himself. Erratic and rash decision making is also typical of men experiencing a midlife crisis. Unfortunately, decisions made in this manner don’t always lead to the satisfaction and fulfillment the man is seeking.
In the next article we’ll explore the characteristics of men who can have a midlife crisis and why Derek didn't make these changes sooner. Lauren will also share things about Derek that she now sees, but didn’t before, that help her understand more of why he's done what he's done.
This is the first article of two discussing a husband's midlife crisis and the impact on his wife. In the next article we’ll explore the characteristics of men who can have a midlife crisis: Midlife Crisis Characteristics. Sign-up for Our Blog at the bottom and don't miss the next article.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 11, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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Julie,
Your story sounds exactly like mine. I definitely think it's midlife and there is nothing we can do but try to move on and take care of ourselves. I get so emotionally hurt and depressed with what is happening though.
I met my now ex in 2000 and married him in 2002. Had 2 kids and 3 miscarriages. in 2010 my world flipped upside down though I didn't realise it at a time. He had a way to push me to the side and then tell me he loved me and all will be ok. I had it all... the women, the travelling, the sports car and the friends who could do No wrong. I was emotionally,verbally,psychologically abused...I had 3 years of therapy cause I believed it was me and when I told him to come to therapy with me, he said that I was the crazy one. Apparently the only thing I was good at was being a mum but I failed as a wife and a woman. In 2015 I packed my kids and left and in 2016 I filed for divorce after he told my daughter one night that "he doesn't love me anymore, that he likes me as a friend" and He told me straight to my face that I had no dignity, and that I should go find someone. I have searched and read and researched all about ex and all the reasons They did what they did. I am now a single parent who is recovering from all the pain I was put through. My daughter thinks I was treated very bad cause they saw everything when I thought I was hiding all this from them. Don't wait for them to come back. If they do and you decide to go back to them, well nothing is going to change if you are still wondering if it is a MLC or not. Let it be on your terms! It is painful don't let anyone tell you otherwise, but when you wake up in the other side, you might realise that you are worth a lot more than them and just move on. My love to everyone in this dark place.
One evening after coming home from church, I asked my spouse if we were okay. He immediately said, NO. He wasn't happy anymore and hasn't been for several months. Why he didn't tell me so we could work it out, his answer was that he needed to work it out on his own. Well, in the meantime, I have given him his space but also tried to talk to him about us and working on it together. We went to a counselor once & he said he wasn't going back because he don't want to work it out. He has told me that he loves me, but he's not "in love" with me, nor is he happy anymore. He asked me one simple task when I completed my degree to get a good job so he could further his education. Well, I didn't, I took a lower paying job because I wanted to become a teacher & he resents me for that now. But I have always told him to go back to school. I did what made me happy and that is what he should have done. However, he started school last fall & is in the process of trying to do what he has always wanted to (job wise). He has just had some set backs due to health issues for now, but will be able to resume later. Here recently, he said he doesn't want to work it out and wants a divorce, after 21 1/2 years of marriage & 3 kids. I honestly believe he is going through a midlife crisis but denies it. He constantly tells me that we could possibly reconcile over the next year or two, if I would have him back and haven't found someone else. I don't want anyone else, he is my life, my heart & soul. My heart is being ripped apart by him and his actions. He in the meantime also has gotten an emotional attachment to my best-friend, but she put a stop to that & now he resents me even more because he can't talk to her. We have had the divorce papers drawn up but have not been signed. I know I could refuse to sign them because he doesn't have grounds, but if I want him to hate me and never have hopes of getting back together...what is a woman to do? He has never acted this way before and has always put his family first and now, doesn't want anything to do with me hardly unless it is convienent for him.
Michelle, I have been through the same thing, heard the same story exactly like yours. My ex was having a emotional affair with a coworker and is still seeing her. He wouldn't tell me the truth, he just said he wasn't happy anymore after 25 years of marriage. He loved me but wasnt in love with me, pfft!! He wanted something different and a change in his life, and didn't want me to be involved with it. He refused to work it out, so we are divorced now! Don't think that you have done anything wrong, it's all him. You can't change him, don't try, it makes it worse! It rips your heart out to love someone do much and they stop without telling you for months how they feel. Going back in the last few years I remembered some things that I should have noticed before, it all makes sense now! Don't chase him, don't give him the benefit of the doubt. Nothing gives a man the right to go out, have many affairs, break the family up and then decide to come back home after the fun has faded away. I have been in therapy, divorce care class ( your best option ), and have done alot of praying as to why and what did I do wrong. I did nothing wrong in the marriage except to give 100% in loyalty, respect and devotion. I did too much for him, seriously!! I am doing very well now on my own, it took me close to a year to let go and move on. The lonliness and not knowing why will tear you down, please give it all to God, he will help you more than anyone else can. I would get so depressed and cry for days, I would get mad at God, scream at him, I didn't understand why this was happening. The torn flesh to your heart will heal in time, enjoy your kids, be strong for them and yourself. Don't ever let him see you struggle, it builds his ego even more! They say they sometimes come to their senses, but I can not ever let him come back, I'm happy and content now. I wish you strength and control over this heartache. God Bless you and the rest of us that have endured such pain from the so called MLC!!
I have been married to my husband for 28 years - together 35 years - I thought we were happy . The last two years have been horrible - firstly I lost my dad - my husband came back from a wedding abroad in Thailand and was very ill with his leg. and this carried on for over a year - where his leg flared up and he generally became unwell . last year he lost his mother - which hit him hard - he hated his job and decided to travel back to Thailand to see his friend , which I allowed him to do. On his return he changed , became distant and then I found out he had been texting a young girl - I challenged him and he walked out , telling everyone I throw him out. He returned with demands of change, I was to lose weight, smarten my appearance up and be house proud and he could not confirm or deny that he would leave again in about four months. After three weeks I found out he had continually been texting this girl again - which he told me was all a bit of fun. He left after I challenged him. He has since returned twice again out there , and I filed for divorce to shake him back to his senses - this backfired on me as he said he wanted a divorce. He has not got a solicitor and continually seems to string me along trying to make divorce settlements without talking to a solicitor. I have now found out he wishes to go back packing in the new year. He is 56 - has lots of ailments and is at risk of illness. I have shared with my friends what has been going on and have been quite vocal - although I have not rowed with him as I feel although I love this man - I did want him back , but with his continual lies and the fact that he has been so secretive where he lives - it is all beyond a joke. The word mid life crisis keeps coming up - I no longer know this man at all............ I was blind sided by all of this as we were in a good place before he left. I am heartbroken my his continual lack of respect and feelings. I am having counselling and with his remarks that we are more like brother and sister - and has now used the words friends - then he has felt this way for a year - continues to confuse me ..... I think the fact that he is guilty and friends are shocked by his behaviour - did I do wrong in sharing with my friends - I don't think he liked it that everyone knows our business. But surely it is not my fault that people talk. I think he wanted to brush everything under the carpet - stay separated and go and do his own thing , why I am left at home with the children.
I met my husband in 1999 online- he lived 3000 miles away and we were both just 18 and freshman in college. We have been together now for 18 years and married 14, we have furkids that are our everything in life. My husband has always
Suffered from depression- on and off meds until he went manic about 7 years ago and attempted suicide, he has since stopped all depression meds and things were going well, I thought. We are now both 36- we lived in his state for 4 years and mine the rest of the time we've been married. I decided about 5 years ago I wanted more for us, and went back to school)I had quit college when I was 19 to work and support my husband. I now make 3x as much money as he does with his bachelor degree and my associate degree. I am type 1
Diabetic and slipped into a depression myself without noticing. I never wanted to do anything but sleep and I didn't realize I needed help. I told him one day maybe I am depressed and he said I was just in a funk. I tried to shake out of it, I
Thought we were doing ok, I started a side business to get me off the couch. Then suddenly one day he said he wants a divorce, he said he felt this way for a long time. For the first 4 weeks once a
Week he seemed like he was coming around and we were more close in intemacy than ever before- the last time he initiated it and said he could see I was trying to change since I had been going to the doctors and started seeing a counselor. He also has been seeing a counselor.
After that night a couple of days went by then He started
Talking about how to
Get money to move out again. He goes out with friends and says he doesn't think I'd like it so he doesn't want to drag me out. He is not a heavy drinker but one night he came home so drunk and was very emotional. Outside of
This his reasoning is he says I always made the decisions- all the big important decisions were mine and since I made more money he was the child and I was the parent. He said he can't remember ever really loving me- I was just convinient and provided for him. He talks about how he
Missed out on things
When he was in high school and
Then after he met me he continued to miss out on things. Now he wants to be on his own, he even is willing g to leave our furkids with me but demands visitation. I told him If he wants
To move out so do I and moved all my things out of the master and asked
Him to start getting ready to
Sell- he hasn't touched
A thing and only complains how my stuff is all over the place. He goes out then comes home at 3am and talks for an hour at me telling m Everything he did that night but doesn't ask me a single
Thing, even the other day when I told him I went to a new doctor and started more new meds he was annoyed I was trying to tell him about it. I don't think he'd have an affair, but I kno he's had a Orion aal affairs at least 3 times since we've been together and if another woman came onto him I think he might be curious now because we were each others only. I am starting to believe he is really just trying to make m miserable because he is blaming m for his being miserable and I don't believe he even wants to leave. He is so
Hateful resentful and hurtful.
I try to stay away from relationship talks because that sets him off. He's always been mostly miserable
With his jobs and has recently been talking about doing something completely different. We are neck deep in debt and he talked me into buying a mustang a month before all this started. I don't know if I should move back into the bedroom to test him or if I'm scared to do that because he might move Into the spare room. I don't want to lose him he is all I ever knew and want to know with relationships- if I should just get the house ready myself and put it up without involving him until it's time to sign papers- know he will go bankrupt on his own but h doesn't care. Another important note is that he has suffered from pain due to a knee injury that lead to surgery and thon a back injurh that lead to a surgery and then just a year ago a fusion. He is now much better and weining off the pain meds... I think this is a midlif even thought we are still a little young but mayb it's me holding on to hope that he has an excuse out or his control. What should I do!!
Hi Bella, It sounds like you and your husband have been through a lot of challenging times together. It is difficult for me to offer meaningful advice in this type of forum. There are a number of things that bear further discussion. Given everything you have said, however, I would suggest that seeing a professional counselor to help you sort things out and find your path would be a good idea. If you would like to reach out to me, my contact information is at the top and bottom of our website. All my best. -Dr. Kurt