Every man has a choice to change his life...sometimes he needs a change to stay alive. I sold everything and moved to Shenzhen China and wish I would have done it years before. I love life

A little over a week ago, my husband said to me that he didn't think his heart was in our marriage anymore. He's 47, and last year was a very bad year for us. We were supposed to move to Dallas, and that job fell through, twice. He started working out more, and got really down. I never thought it was more than a little down from the fallen job. I was blindsided when he told me this, and that he's been struggling with these feelings for about 5 months! Never mentioned word one to me. Needless to say, I'm a wreck. I'm on meds for depression, my world has been rocked. We are seeking counseling and start today. Has anyone else experienced this, and what was the outcome?

Sarich, This has happened to other women too. I hear about it pretty regularly. I hope your husband followed through with getting counseling and is sorting through his feelings and why he has them. -Kurt

Hi- I think my husband may also be going through a midlife, or quarterlife crisis. He is almost 31. I am 32. We have been together for 6 years, lived together for 5 years and married for 1.5. We always had a great relationship. We have similar personalities, interests, friends, our families get along, we support each other in all endeavors, both have good jobs, active social lives, etc. After we got engaged 3 years ago, we bought a house. Then we planned and had our wedding. Everything had been going well, but we had our typical couple fights: cleaning, financials, nothing out of the ordinary. In August we found out his estranged father had passed away. I don't think they had spoken in 12 or so years. I tried to talk to him about it but he never wanted to and he didn't seem all that upset. Then in September I noticed him pulling away. He hangs out with his friends a lot, and I am usually fine with that, but it started making me upset because I wasn't being included in any of the outings anymore. In October we went to a destination wedding with friends and had a really tough time. I again felt as though he wasn't including me as he'd go off with the guys to play golf, etc. The rest of the girls were in the wedding party and I was not, so I didn't attend all the spa type events with them. I was just kind of left at the hotel. Then his company moved from the city to the suburbs. We also live in the suburbs. This was not a move he was happy about. He enjoyed going to bars, restaurants, games etc. after work. He talked about looking for new jobs, but never really made a move. Flash forward to the holidays- all seemed fine, with the exception of again the typical couple fights. Then right around New Years of this year he started being very cold to me. Would barely speak to me when he got home from work, which of course turned me into a needy wife, further pushing him away. There was a palpable feeling of tension when we were both home but I had no idea why. I asked him to go to counseling and we went to one marriage counseling session and they referred him on to his own counselor, I assume because he had just emotionally detached with no reason, and to deal with the issues with his father. Well his counseling didn't seem to help. He told me at the counseling they only talk about how bad our marriage is, and how much he hates work. He has said things like "He never loved me", "He has never found me attractive", etc. My looks/weight have not changed much in the years we have been together. I think most men would find me to be attractive, and I obviously know at one time he did and that he did love me as well. I also know he looks at porn a lot and wonder if that could be part of the issue too. He has also said things like he never wanted to buy our house, or get married (I in no way forced or gave him an ultimatum in either case...he DID want these things), that we have nothing in common, don't I think it is weird we haven't had kids yet (again, we have only been married for 1.5 years during which we have traveled a lot- I just assumed we hadn't had kids because we were still enjoying our couple time). I am so confused and lost. I love him, but not this new him. Both of our families are very confused, and the friends I have told are too. As I said, we had a very good relationship. Now he says things like "relationships shouldn't take work, they should just come naturally" which is so ridiculous. His parents had a bad marriage so I wonder if that is part of the problem but I am also wondering if it could be a midlife crisis. He has gotten very into working out, goes out all the time with his friends, has mentioned all these new hobbies he wants to have (which I read elsewhere is a sign of a midlife crisis). I kicked him out of our house 2 weeks ago and he is living with his mom. We barely speak but he comes and stays at our house in a different bedroom 2 nights a week. I feel so hurt and angry that he can treat me like I am dispensable and make me feel like I wasted the last 6 years of my life. He has agreed to go to marriage counseling, even though as he said he doesn't think it will work. He also plans to quit his solo counseling. As I said, I want to make this work but with my OLD husband, not this new guy.

Maggie, I'm very sorry to hear of your struggles. Your husband is a little young to be having a typical midlife crisis, but he is showing many of the symptoms. It seems like it could be more of an identity crisis, but I wouldn't get caught up in the label for it. Obviously, theres problems that need to get fixed. Be sure to go to counseling yourself if he won't go. You really could use some help. BTW, relationships do take work, even mine does. -Kurt

I love my midlife. I'm 46. Strong career, wife, kids, girlfriend that is 32, new car, in shape, working out, learning about hair dye, you name it... life is an adventure and it is fun now. LOL

at Joe: you love moving to china because of the women.. lnot because u finally found 'yourself'.

I thought you were referring to my husband. I'm experiencing the same situation right now and I;m also as confused as you are.

My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married 8. I though we had the best relationship, we did everything together but also had our individual interests. He started distancing a few months ago, acting differently, changed his appearance, etc. Started a new job 6 months ago. Communication problems led us to counseling where for the first time he blurted out "I love her but I don't think I'm in love with her" line. What???? By the third counseling appointment he was on his way out of our marriage. It was such a SHOCK. I didn't see this coming at all. I'm so devastated and miss him so much. He's now living in a friends apartment rent-free, going surfing, doing all of the things he would have been able to do within the marriage but is making it seem they are due to his 'new-found' freedom. He says he's being doing great (he's been gone just under 2 months). Really?? It is so hurful.

My husband and I have been married almost 15 years. He'll be 42 next week. Last week I found something on his phone and asked him about it - he said he'd been wanting to tell me, but he's no longer in love with me. He loves me, but isn't "in love" with me. I've been reading a lot of blogs tonight & everything sounds exact to what I'm going through now!!! He isn't "with" this girl, but he said that he has loved her all his life and they are friends. I've known my husband since 1988 - around the same time he has known this other woman. Actually, I just found out that she won't answer his calls or texts anymore 'cause she got really freaked out from a text that I sent her from his phone - basically saying "he's married.. what the HELL are you thinking???" So now he's all alone in a bedroom that's not his. He stays in the room for hours - doesn't even eat sometimes. I'm very concerned about him 'cause I love him and we've been together for so long, but I don't know if I can help him if he doesn't want to help himself. Mine and our daughter's world is spinning out of control now. I'm hoping that he will want to get counseling, but he's taking some time away at his cousin's to "think". I feel like my world is crumbling down. This came out of NOWHERE!!! He said he's been feeling this way for more than a year, but he needs to stop "pretending"... another thing that I've been seeing people writing a lot. Do all of these men have a website that us women don't know about where they share all of the info on what to tell their wife when they want to leave? He's only been gone a week, but it feels like a YEAR. I keep questioning my appearance, habits, etc... Yes, there are things that I can fix, but I know that this isn't me. It's something in HIM that he needs to fix. Luckily my daughter is doing well... she's 12 - a very impressionable age so I'm kind of worried. I wish he could see, care, and truly understand what he's doing to us and himself. I'm so very sad. I, of course, always thought we'd be together forever. Time will tell. Wish us luck :(

I am going thru hell but I am not sure why. Been married 15 years and about 5 years ago I started looking around because I felt I wasn't happy with my marriage. I met a few women and found that I wasn't looking for sex but another relationship. I then met another woman and things clicked. Boy did they click. We've fallen hard for each other and can't seem to give each other up. I have tried to give her up to save my marriage. But when I don't talk to her, I feel alone and like I am doing prison time in my marriage. Needless to say I am talking to her again. She lives far from me so we aren't seeing each other. But we think about each other all the time and are in contact alot everyday. This has been going on for 2 years on and off. I feel like now I am at the point where I simply need to accept the fact that we have fallen for each other and leave my marriage and go be with her. I feel so bad for my wife. She's a good woman and really hasn't wronged me in any way. I feel like we've just grown apart and want different things out of life. Is this a midlife crisis? If so, is that a bad thing? Shouldn't we all do what makes up happy? Or should we all stay where we are due to a decision from years ago? I feel like I am missing out on my true hapiness without my new love. What am I to do?

Dave, Could be a midlife crisis, but you've also got an unhappy marriage too. Doesn't so much matter why, but what you're going to do about it. Be careful in comparing an affair to your marriage; one is a fantasy life and the other is real. Clearly, your marriage needs to change, so I'd start with trying to change it before abandoning it. Keep in mind that life's about more than just happiness. -Kurt

Kurt, Change it how? My issues with my wife are about her. I don't think she will change. Also, what else is life about besides happiness? Thanks, Dave

I don't know what made me research "midlife crisis" but I'm glad that I did. I believe that my now exboyfriend (as of five days ago via text)is going through this (especially after getting some insight from these comments). His is 45 and I am 35. We celebrated our 6 month anniversary about 3 weeks ago. Everything seemed fine. Then, I was unable to reach him, he would not return my calls or texts. He finally returned a call 5 days ago saying that he was unhappy with his job, his life, and just overall unhappy. And although me and my children were "beautiful", he didn't think he could give us what we needed. That he couldn't take it anymore and that we were over. Obviously, blind-sided by this, especially since I never did the rotten and hurtful things his ex's have done (and he gave them several chances) and the fact that it was obvious to myself and everyone else that he absolutely adored my children (he has none of his own)and me. I've been crying when no one is looking. I have no idea how to help or even if I should. Should I try or move on with my life? We had so many plans (we looked at buying and building homes and even went to a bridal show together for a wedding we were hoping for next year). Can we be fixed? I'm so lost...

What makes me absolutely sick about all these responses is how the women are expected to suffer, and just ... live with their husbands' horrible behavior, and the men are never expected to change or do better. 
 
*No one*, not even the blog owner, who's supposed to be carrying some kind of therapy credentials, calls the man out talking about how happy he is, with a little "LOL", bragging in comments about his wife and girlfriend? 
 
Terribly depressing.

Why are men permitted to treat their wives and children this way? Why would a good man want to treat his family who have always supported and loved him this way? Society and idiot psychologists even pat them on the back as they abandon their family putting themselves first. Until Society reminds men of why they married and had their beautiful children in the first place, wars are not between countries but inside our greatest constitution - family. How sad and pathetic. What makes one man more important that the total sum of his loved ones. I'm personally waiting on Karma - it's definitely coming....

Hazel, 
What a joke....Women have been doing this for years. Trading up is what i believe you,d call it. In the last 20 years Women cheat and leave at the same rate as men...GIVE ME A BREAK!!

My husband of 24 years left over 10 months ago....he file for divorce 4 months ago...his reason to leave was that I don;t make enough money and family pressures...he did "attend" counseling one time, as a ploy to me, telling the counsler he was numb and stressed so he "fixed it" he will not talk to our children and has turned off our cell phones....he does not want us to know where he lives...has been seen in public by friends and one of our chilren with another woman...telling our child that if he wants to talk to them he will call...he had sold our house and took all the money and hid it in his business, left me with 234 dollars....looks like a bad mid life crisis gone very very bad and ugly....we had so many good memories, good times, good years....just amazing a person can treat a family this way....