Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
Part 1 of 2
"Is my husband having a midlife crisis?" is a question I get asked pretty regularly by women.
Maybe he’s been acting out of character, making rash decisions, or seems suddenly dissatisfied with your life together. There are a variety of symptoms that wives cite when they believe their husbands are experiencing a midlife crisis, and they all can lead to confusion and pain.
Here's one woman's story of trying to understand what happened to the man she thought she was married to.
It's been 7 months since Derek told Lauren he wanted a divorce and moved out. For Lauren, it came out of nowhere, but for Derek, he had been contemplating what to do about his unhappiness for months, probably years.
Lauren came to our women's counseling to get help in how to respond to this 'new' Derek and make sense of what's happened to her shattered life. Later on I also met with her and Derek for divorce counseling to mediate their divorce.
Occasionally Lauren sees glimpses of the 'old' Derek she thought was her husband. Like when he calls her out of the blue and offers to help with something. But most of the time she deals with the 'new' Derek who takes things from the house without telling her, or makes a withdrawal from the ATM without talking to her first and overdraws their joint bank account.
As she's tried to make sense of 'new' Derek and his erratic behavior, she's been asking herself and me, "is he having a midlife crisis? Is he having an affair? Or is he depressed?"
The answer is potentially yes to all of those questions - although which have occurred, in what order, and have led to his behavior is still unclear.
The behavior of men having a midlife crisis can vary from man-to-man. There are, however, a number of actions that are fairly typical. Dissatisfaction with life, love or work; dramatic lifestyle changes; or affairs are all rather common. It’s also not uncommon for wives to feel like the unhappiness has come out of nowhere. In actuality these feelings have probably been festering for some time and circumstances or events trigger them to explode in a manner that puts the husband and his family into a crisis mode.
Here are some midlife crisis warning signs we can see in Derek that have helped Lauren see that, yes, he probably is, and has been, having a midlife crisis:
Unfortunately, it took Lauren almost 3 months after Derek moved out to seek out professional help by coming to women's counseling. By this time it was difficult to work together as a couple to turn things around. Being more aware of the warning signs and seeking help as soon as possible may not keep a midlife crisis from occurring, but it can help lessen the destructive outcomes.
Whether or not Derek is having a midlife crisis isn’t as important as just recognizing the warning signs of a problem that’s going to explode the way it did for Lauren. If she or Derek had responded to these signs sooner, it's possible that much of the pain they're now suffering could have been prevented.
Since the separation Derek has admitted he’s seeing another woman. Even though he insists it started after he moved out, Lauren's uncertain if that's really true. Derek’s now planning to change jobs and has also gone back to school.
Lauren has asked Derek that if changing jobs or going to school will make him happy, why he didn't do them before he left. Derek hasn't been able to answer her. Chances are he doesn’t know the answer himself. Erratic and rash decision making is also typical of men experiencing a midlife crisis. Unfortunately, decisions made in this manner don’t always lead to the satisfaction and fulfillment the man is seeking.
In the next article we’ll explore the characteristics of men who can have a midlife crisis and why Derek didn't make these changes sooner. Lauren will also share things about Derek that she now sees, but didn’t before, that help her understand more of why he's done what he's done.
This is the first article of two discussing a husband's midlife crisis and the impact on his wife. In the next article we’ll explore the characteristics of men who can have a midlife crisis: Midlife Crisis Characteristics. Sign-up for Our Blog at the bottom and don't miss the next article.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 11, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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My husband and I were married 25 years. He came home from work and said he was getting a apartment, that he has been unhappy for several years. This was a shock and heartbreak for me. I never seen it coming! He said he needs to find happiness and peace within his self. He moved out 4 months ago and has filed for divorce. He acts like we were never married, if you mention it (the marriage or our past), he gets very mad and hangs up or won't talk to you about it. I know he is going through a mlc, because he has never been a mean person. He has not had a affair and says he doesn't want anyone else. My question is why does the wife, the one that has always been there for him for comfort, love, and loyal get the blame for this? I love him so much and can't let my marriage go!
Linda, You're right. While MLC is scary for everyone, it's usually the wife (and kids, if there are any) who typically suffers the loss. This is something that he will have to work out for himself, so seek out support for yourself if you need it. -Kurt
I am in counseling. Our kids our grown and married. He talks to them daily, but won't talk to me. He says he loves me but he's not in love with me. Typical MLC man. Why is this not made more public so men and women know what to expect. I think this should be a well known topic on talk shows, PERIOD!! I'm not giving up on him because I know he is struggling with his childhood past. I will give him kindness and support when he needs it.
Linda ~ your story sounds much like mine. I to am not giving up. And I so agree with ths should be on talk shows, news Something. Its wrecking lives in matter of days and None of know about it till it happens!!
My husband and I are married for 8 years. We have been together for 13. We were separated for almost 3 years. During this time he started dating someone. They dated for 10 months. During this time I became pregnant (currently due in 5 weeks) for him which caused him and his gf to break up. He then moved back home. We already have a 10 year old daughter. My daughter and I were over the moon happy. He was back home for 3 months. During this time he says he tried to be happy and tried to have that "spark" with me again but he wasn't happy. He loves me and his family but he returned back to his ex-girlfriend. He never stopped talking to her during his "3 month effort". He has broken me and my daughter. This girl does not trust him (for obvious reasons) and does not know how it will be when he has to come here to visit the baby that is on the way. Currently she doesn't even trust him to drop off snacks and lunches for our daughter and has to be in the car. I know many of you will tell me exact what my friends tell me. I deserve better. I deserve someone that doesn't lie to me and treats me good. I need to move on...
We use to be that couple…but he harbors some resentment towards me because I was the one that initially separated from the marriage. My question is a dumb one I guess but I don't want that relationship to work...I want her to not be able to trust him at all and leave him. I want him to regret everything he did and become the family man and husbands that he used to be.
What classifies a midlife crisis?
Nat, Some common behaviors of a MLC are confusion about life, and sudden radical changes, and often times the family suffers, too. The issues you had when you separated can still be worked out, as can his resentment, but may take talking to a professional counselor. -Kurt
Since this post I have had my baby. Husband has not spent much time with our daughter as his gf won't allow him in my house without the supervision of his mom or brother...she still doesn't trust him however refuses to ro leave him. My husband has told me he loves me and misses me and his family. He has told me that he isn't 100% sure of his decision to leave me but it is one he must follow through with. He sees a future with us however can not commit to that while loving this other girl. As such, I am literally waiting for that relationahip to fizzle out and for him to realize what he has. He tells me that as selfish as it sounds he doesn't want me to give up hope on us...don't let the flame go..if my husband is having a mid life crisis, and has decided that this relationship that he is in is where he wants to be now...when do the "crisis " end?
Nat, Remember, you have a voice in the relationship, too, and some of your own decisions to make about what you're willing to tolerate or not in that relationship. If he is having MLC, there's no set end date. It may not end. It's different for everyone. -Kurt
My husband is a narcissist. Only child, horrible relationship with now-deceased alcoholic mother. We've been married 18 years and have 4 children (12-24). I supported the family for 15 years while he dabbled in several businesses and took care of the kids. Finally when all the kids were in school and he was sitting on the couch, I angrily yelled at him to get up and do something with his life. He did and three years later has one successful business and starting another. I still support the family financially day to day but he is supposed to pay for the colleges and create a legacy for the kids. This past July after months of being withdrawn, he asked me for a divorce. Told me he was angry with the way I yelled at him three years ago and had lost his passion for me. I made some stupid arguments about supporting him while he found himself and now that he did I guess I was a means to an end. I argued that I supported raising his son, my stepson, in a two parent household as a new bride without ever complaining and now he was going to destroy the lives of our children. He thought about it and the next day said he was willing to try on a monthly basis. We started dating and had a good time. Then that dwindled to meeting for drinks once a week, while he went out with friends every other night and now nothing. During all this, I began to wonder. Over the last 12 months, he has bought a new motocycle, dyed his hair, uses botox, got tattoos, nipple rings and a convertible. Sounds like MLC so I started researching. He is angry that I want to know where he is when he is out all night. Thinks I don’t trust him but since I did research, I know not to ask where he is or who he is with so I don’t. I just wanted to know he was safe but he doesn’t like that either so I stopped texting while he is out and let him come and go as he wants. We haven’t had sex in 10 months but he is impotent (even with Viagra) and has no interest in sex with me or anyone else. Guess I should be grateful but he is having an emotional affair with his assistant. His new business has a kitchen, couch, tv, and pool table, no other employees work there but him and his assistant, who is easy to talk to and makes everyone feel good about themselves. No wonder he likes to go to work and hates being at home.
Meanwhile, my world has been destroyed. I don’t think there is a day I haven’t cried. But in the mist of it all, I have three kids to support, my company is doing restructuring and I have 60 days to find a new position or I am separated from them (I have worked there almost 30 years), I am in school pursuing a PhD so have assignments due every week and take care of the house. I have no friends because of my job and everything else I have to do so I am isolated and feel it. I know I have to rectify this myself and am searching for ways to do so.
I just finished understanding the 6 stages of MLC and the question I keep coming back to, are there things you can say that will keep him connected or am I doomed to wait it out hoping he realizes the pain he caused? How do personality traits add to the outcome of MLC? Since he is a narcissist will he come to the realization or come out of it and be done (cause he is always right). How long do I let him use me as a door mat?
Lynn, If your husband is having a MLC, it's something he will have to work through on his own, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate his poor behavior or that he doesn't have to take responsibility for it. Only you will know if leaving is right for you, but I recommend seeking out a counselor to talk to before making any life-altering decisions while emotional. -Kurt
Please help me...I married my soul mate in April 2002 but I have been with him since 1998. We had 4 children together and I had one prior but he raised him since he was one. My husband always liked me being a stay at home mom. I was over weight and not happy so I decided to do something about it. I got my GED Went to Beauty School and planned for weight loss surgery. He started to get insecure and if I cut a guy's hair at school he would say things like oh did your guy come in for a haircut. Then he started taking me on dates that he never took me in in our whole marriage like well planned out dates. I thought things were good. Then I graduated and he threw a party for me and was trying to get me set up to work from home. I took a job to try to help and he didn't seem to like that. He wanted to go to the bar to watch the game and I told him to go. I went and did my job early so I could have the rest of the day with him. He stayed at the bar all day. I was so hurt cause it was my only day off and I wanted to be with him. I told him to sleep in my daughters room well I think that sealed the deal cause the next night he went to sleep in my daughters room again I tried to say sorry and ask him to come to bed with me and he said no I think I want a separation not a divorce. I went into panic mode every time he was home I would cry and want to work it out but all he wanted to do is run. Finally he stopped coming home I found him at s girls house he works with and I filed for divorce. He was so cold and mean to me and he didn't care about me or the kids everything was about her. he is now in a relationship with her he has been gone since February so that like 9 Months now and I'm still dying. I love this man and I don't know what to do. She is 26 and he is 39 we have five kids and she is always with him with my kids it's so hard to watch another woman just take my family the family I worked to build for 18 years. He isn't even the same person he has hurt the kids and it's like he is faking being this great dad right now but seems like he don't want the responsibility at all. He is living at my teachers house in her basement and my kids sleep on blow up mattresses all in a one room basement and he sleeps with her everynight infront of my kids. It's just too much I'm a mess I just want my husband back. Is this a midlife will he regret it and come home. 😪😭
Trina, I can't say if it's a MLC without knowing your husband. Some men do "come to their senses" and return, so I wouldn't give up hope. Also, keep in mind that your kids are learning how adult relationships work from both of you, so it's important to set a good example for them. Seek out professional counseling for support if you need to. -Kurt
Its hideous that people won't talk about it. And all you hear is go to counseling see a therapist, what about the MLC? Its a excuse to do what they want to do, and when they are done playing around, they want to come back! My ex was very depressed before his MLC, there was nothing I could do to help. So I wait and hope for him to come to reality! But I'm not sitting still, I'm going to enjoy life just like him!