Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
Part 1 of 2
"Is my husband having a midlife crisis?" is a question I get asked pretty regularly by women.
Maybe he’s been acting out of character, making rash decisions, or seems suddenly dissatisfied with your life together. There are a variety of symptoms that wives cite when they believe their husbands are experiencing a midlife crisis, and they all can lead to confusion and pain.
Here's one woman's story of trying to understand what happened to the man she thought she was married to.
It's been 7 months since Derek told Lauren he wanted a divorce and moved out. For Lauren, it came out of nowhere, but for Derek, he had been contemplating what to do about his unhappiness for months, probably years.
Lauren came to our women's counseling to get help in how to respond to this 'new' Derek and make sense of what's happened to her shattered life. Later on I also met with her and Derek for divorce counseling to mediate their divorce.
Occasionally Lauren sees glimpses of the 'old' Derek she thought was her husband. Like when he calls her out of the blue and offers to help with something. But most of the time she deals with the 'new' Derek who takes things from the house without telling her, or makes a withdrawal from the ATM without talking to her first and overdraws their joint bank account.
As she's tried to make sense of 'new' Derek and his erratic behavior, she's been asking herself and me, "is he having a midlife crisis? Is he having an affair? Or is he depressed?"
The answer is potentially yes to all of those questions - although which have occurred, in what order, and have led to his behavior is still unclear.
The behavior of men having a midlife crisis can vary from man-to-man. There are, however, a number of actions that are fairly typical. Dissatisfaction with life, love or work; dramatic lifestyle changes; or affairs are all rather common. It’s also not uncommon for wives to feel like the unhappiness has come out of nowhere. In actuality these feelings have probably been festering for some time and circumstances or events trigger them to explode in a manner that puts the husband and his family into a crisis mode.
Here are some midlife crisis warning signs we can see in Derek that have helped Lauren see that, yes, he probably is, and has been, having a midlife crisis:
Unfortunately, it took Lauren almost 3 months after Derek moved out to seek out professional help by coming to women's counseling. By this time it was difficult to work together as a couple to turn things around. Being more aware of the warning signs and seeking help as soon as possible may not keep a midlife crisis from occurring, but it can help lessen the destructive outcomes.
Whether or not Derek is having a midlife crisis isn’t as important as just recognizing the warning signs of a problem that’s going to explode the way it did for Lauren. If she or Derek had responded to these signs sooner, it's possible that much of the pain they're now suffering could have been prevented.
Since the separation Derek has admitted he’s seeing another woman. Even though he insists it started after he moved out, Lauren's uncertain if that's really true. Derek’s now planning to change jobs and has also gone back to school.
Lauren has asked Derek that if changing jobs or going to school will make him happy, why he didn't do them before he left. Derek hasn't been able to answer her. Chances are he doesn’t know the answer himself. Erratic and rash decision making is also typical of men experiencing a midlife crisis. Unfortunately, decisions made in this manner don’t always lead to the satisfaction and fulfillment the man is seeking.
In the next article we’ll explore the characteristics of men who can have a midlife crisis and why Derek didn't make these changes sooner. Lauren will also share things about Derek that she now sees, but didn’t before, that help her understand more of why he's done what he's done.
This is the first article of two discussing a husband's midlife crisis and the impact on his wife. In the next article we’ll explore the characteristics of men who can have a midlife crisis: Midlife Crisis Characteristics. Sign-up for Our Blog at the bottom and don't miss the next article.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 11, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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My husband and I have been married for 16yrs, and been together for almost 20yrs. About 2 weeks ago he told me he wasn't happy, but couldn't say why. He said that we have been growing apart for a while now. He said he felt that we needed some space and moved out. About 5yrs ago he had an emotional affair with someone at work. He swears it was never physical but there was attraction there. But he talked to her about his feelings and not knowing if he wanted to continue in his profession anymore. Once a year for the next 2 I would get messages from blocked numbers saying there was more going on. So when he said he was leaving that was the first thing I asked is she back or is there some in new. We have three kids 14, 12, and 11. They are having a hard time with all of this as well. Days he talks to me like there is hope and he is coming home, then the next day is doesn't know. Living in limbo is killing me and my kids. Is this mid-life crisis, depression, or an affair?
Angie, It could be any of those or all 3, as well as possibly things related to your relationship. -Kurt
well about a month ago my husband told me he doesnt think he can be married anymore, we are still together and things are going along as it always has been but there is a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop...
we have been together for 20 yrs, this is a second marriage for both of us, no children involved.. we have amassed 2 homes ,2 cars and he has substantial money in his 401k..
we have done reno work on both the bathroom and kitchen and he is planing on retiring in about 3 yrs and we were going to move to florida..
right now he says lets just see how things go, and he says its not you,its me..really? what does that do for me..
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 10 years. We have a 7 year old daughter. 2 years ago he had an affair and after I discovered it we moved forward and we're happy I thought. We even bought a new house in May! About a month ago I noticed he was kind of pulling away from me, staying out late with his buddies, and just acting a little off. 2 weeks ago he dropped the bomb in me. He said he just wasn't sure about any choice he had made in his life. Including me and his job, our future plans, anything. He wasn't communicating very well and still doesn't but I think I see a way to help keep him attached to me until the storm in his head clears up. He says he's not the man I knew. I finally decided to stop fighting that statement and I told him that's fine, let me get to know this new man. I started seducing him in the classic way. Dirty talk, naughty pictures, and great sex. He says he can't give me more right now but am I on the right track to keeping him? Honestly I think he is in MLC but from everything I've seen its a personality adjustment and if I can get to know this new facet of him, maybe we will make it. Do you know if this has a chance of working? I know it will be a slow process and I can't expect emotional attachment yet, but maybe I can regain his attention and he will see that we can still fit. Any advice on this new route?
Nicole, I wonder if there are any updates as to how things went through the Holidays? My situation is very similar to yours. We've been married for almost 19 years and in the summer my DH said he wasn't sure he wanted to stay married. Through the numerous conversations we've had I see/hear him say things that lead me to believe it's not that he doesn't "love" me, but that he's so unhappy and stressed with work and with all the upheaval that has caused our life (we moved 2 times in 6 months on top of the job issues). There are days when he seems totally plugged in and that I'm on his radar and he'll do some very "aware" things... and then there are days that if he even notices I share the same air he breathes I'd be surprised.
There was/is a "friend" that he has and they were going through the same crap at work so they had a texting fest for several months while they were getting through that. He is very understanding of how I feel about that and has cut that off - they still work toghether so there is contact but he says and I believe there was never anything more than a support system - he still can't answer why he didn't come to me for that support - there inlies the problem.
There were glimpes of positive healing through the Holidays and then if I spin it just right in my head, there are things that he did that makes me believe he was just "getting through them" - does that even make sense? I don't want to spin things to the negative all the time but I don't want to be naive and get blindsided either.
How are things for you and your DH - does he acknowledge a MLC possiblity? I haven't even broached the subject with mine but he fits all the descriptors for sure!
Thank you for any help or support you can offer... it's nice to know I'm not alone! -A
Unfortunately we are getting divorced after he got worse and worse and disappeared off the radar a couple times when he was supposed to be staying with his cousin. Turns out DH was actually having an affair with the woman he was talking to about HER arrive issues. Before he started talking to her we seemed to be very strong and having a great relationship. I confronted him about talking to her and he appeared to stop too. I've since found out he simply got another phone and was using cash withdrawals to pay for it. He also started livin with her when she and her husband separated and their divorce is pending as well. It still fits all the MLC patterns but sadly I'm left unable to trust him or even believe he was ever the person I thought he was. The best thing I can do now is be grateful he at least have me my beautiful daughter and learn to not let anyone devalue me like he did. I know my own worth, I just need to make sure in the future I don't let anyone take that from me again. Good luck to you but please don't be blindsided. It may be MLC but that tends to include another woman who makes him feel good. Make yourself and your family strong and let him go to find his own way. You can't control him and the harder you try the longer he, and you, will struggle. Let go and find who you are without him.
My husband and I been married for 8 years and has been together for 15. He is 37 and I'm 38 with no kids. About 8 months ago he blindsided me by saying that he is tired and he's not sure he wants to be married anymore, I was totally shock with his revelation. He told me that it might just be a phase he is going through, so I decided to give him space to figure out himself. However the phase grew longer to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and to make matters worse I was led on that he is having an affair even though he denies it but due to his behavioral changes I think he is lying. I asked him to go counseling however he refused and even blurted out one day that he wants me to leave him alone. He went away for the holidays on his own and did not acknowledge my birthday. When I threaten to leave he asked me to stay however not to make our marriage work but due to financial reasons, he said that either of us will be able to afford an apartment on our own. I forgot to mentioned he said the reason why he wants to take a break from our marriage is because he feels like he has been pleasing people all his life and never had the opportunity to live selfish and enjoyed/ experience life pleasing only to himself. I should add that He is also unhappy with his job. Is this a MLC
Valda, I can't say for sure if this is a MLC without talking to your husband. Giving the space he needs is good, but leaving him is a decision you have to make for yourself. If he has refused to go to counseling, you can go without him. -Kurt
My husband and I have been married for 23 years. For the last 12 years I have lived in a sexless marriage. I tried numerous times to try and get him to respond to me. He always told me that sex was not the most important thing in a marriage and that I should be more thankful for all the other things in our marriage. I was thankful and I decided that I would just deal with the situation and appreciate the other areas which were fine. He was very loving always made me feel special in front of our friends and even strangers. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, but inside no one knew the hurt of bring reject sexually be my him. But around our friends he would make out like we could keep our hands off each other. He wanted people to see him as a perfect husband but in all actuality he was putting up a front. So when the news broke that we were separating everyone was totally shocked. I will admit that over the years I have suspected possibly someone else. I can't proof it and he says that there never has been anyone else. When I asked him or tried to talk to him about the intimacy he would always say that it was him and not me. I told him that I would do what ever he needed to get that back between us. He did say that he felt a lot of pressure when we would try and be intimate with each other which was once a year. I came to me several weeks ago and said that he does not want to be married anymore and he was not happy and he knew I was not happy. No I was hurt from the rejection in the bedroom but I was willing to deal with it and keep the marriage we had together for the sake of our daughter who is now 20 and still leaves at home. I can't figure out what is going on with him. I am giving him his space and hopefully he will possibly figure out. I love him so much and I want yo spend the rest of my life with him no matter what. Any ideas on what could have happened?
Diane, I can't say for sure without knowing your husband, but I suspect there's more to it than that. If it's a MLC, it's something he will have to work out on his own. Giving his space is good. Read the other articles in the Midlife Crisis section, as well as Love Is Gone for some other suggestions. -Kurt