Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
Part 1 of 2
"Is my husband having a midlife crisis?" is a question I get asked pretty regularly by women.
Maybe he’s been acting out of character, making rash decisions, or seems suddenly dissatisfied with your life together. There are a variety of symptoms that wives cite when they believe their husbands are experiencing a midlife crisis, and they all can lead to confusion and pain.
Here's one woman's story of trying to understand what happened to the man she thought she was married to.
It's been 7 months since Derek told Lauren he wanted a divorce and moved out. For Lauren, it came out of nowhere, but for Derek, he had been contemplating what to do about his unhappiness for months, probably years.
Lauren came to our women's counseling to get help in how to respond to this 'new' Derek and make sense of what's happened to her shattered life. Later on I also met with her and Derek for divorce counseling to mediate their divorce.
Occasionally Lauren sees glimpses of the 'old' Derek she thought was her husband. Like when he calls her out of the blue and offers to help with something. But most of the time she deals with the 'new' Derek who takes things from the house without telling her, or makes a withdrawal from the ATM without talking to her first and overdraws their joint bank account.
As she's tried to make sense of 'new' Derek and his erratic behavior, she's been asking herself and me, "is he having a midlife crisis? Is he having an affair? Or is he depressed?"
The answer is potentially yes to all of those questions - although which have occurred, in what order, and have led to his behavior is still unclear.
The behavior of men having a midlife crisis can vary from man-to-man. There are, however, a number of actions that are fairly typical. Dissatisfaction with life, love or work; dramatic lifestyle changes; or affairs are all rather common. It’s also not uncommon for wives to feel like the unhappiness has come out of nowhere. In actuality these feelings have probably been festering for some time and circumstances or events trigger them to explode in a manner that puts the husband and his family into a crisis mode.
Here are some midlife crisis warning signs we can see in Derek that have helped Lauren see that, yes, he probably is, and has been, having a midlife crisis:
Unfortunately, it took Lauren almost 3 months after Derek moved out to seek out professional help by coming to women's counseling. By this time it was difficult to work together as a couple to turn things around. Being more aware of the warning signs and seeking help as soon as possible may not keep a midlife crisis from occurring, but it can help lessen the destructive outcomes.
Whether or not Derek is having a midlife crisis isn’t as important as just recognizing the warning signs of a problem that’s going to explode the way it did for Lauren. If she or Derek had responded to these signs sooner, it's possible that much of the pain they're now suffering could have been prevented.
Since the separation Derek has admitted he’s seeing another woman. Even though he insists it started after he moved out, Lauren's uncertain if that's really true. Derek’s now planning to change jobs and has also gone back to school.
Lauren has asked Derek that if changing jobs or going to school will make him happy, why he didn't do them before he left. Derek hasn't been able to answer her. Chances are he doesn’t know the answer himself. Erratic and rash decision making is also typical of men experiencing a midlife crisis. Unfortunately, decisions made in this manner don’t always lead to the satisfaction and fulfillment the man is seeking.
In the next article we’ll explore the characteristics of men who can have a midlife crisis and why Derek didn't make these changes sooner. Lauren will also share things about Derek that she now sees, but didn’t before, that help her understand more of why he's done what he's done.
This is the first article of two discussing a husband's midlife crisis and the impact on his wife. In the next article we’ll explore the characteristics of men who can have a midlife crisis: Midlife Crisis Characteristics. Sign-up for Our Blog at the bottom and don't miss the next article.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 11, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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Well I think my husband may be going through a MLC and he says it’s my fault. I have noticed some changes over the last few months. He has withdrawn from family and lifetime friends. He has invested a small fortune in hair products. He does not do things that brought him much joy in the past. He has been nonverbal with me. He constantly accuses me of having an affair. He informed me that he was going to move out, he needed space and we have grown apart. We need to separate for a while. Then he flips and says he does not trust me, I have disrespected him and embarrassed him with my affairs. A. I have never had an affair. B. He is the one that has password protected everyone of his devices. I suggested counseling be he says he does not have any reason to go to a counselor. He says that I am the one unhappy but he is the one displaying anger and unhappiness. We will go weeks without talking, it is getting pretty old now. He has not moved yet, he keeps threatening to leave. In the morning he seems fine, his normal self, but by the end of the day I don’t know him. One hour he may grab me and say I love you so much. Next hour, he is so angry and his words are so hurtful.
This is the same for me. Everyday he wakes up positive and by the evening he can't look me in the eye. One minute I'm the love of his life the next I'm a manipulative control freak who stops all his fun! Its a rollercoaster that is destroying me. I'm trying to cope by ignoring him but finding increasingly difficult to manage emotionally. He left and cam back after 4 months and now says he won't leave. He ran out of money and I'm sure he'll go again once he gets some. I'm at my wits end....how are you coping?
My husband and I have been married for 7 yrs (together for 12). A few weeks ago he said that he is not happy and that he wasn't sure he wanted to continue to be married. He finally said he wants a "trial separation" and that after a month of limited contact he will go to marriage counseling. He keeps telling me that he loves me and wants to make this work but that he doesn't know if he can. He still acts very loving to me (opens my car door, kisses me, etc.) but continues to voice that he doesn't know if we can make it work. He told me that he feels as though he has no control in his life anymore and that he wants his own apartment so he can feel like an adult again. He is moving out this week to start the separation and I am not sure what to do next. Are we salvageable? Do I just give him the space and not contact him as he requests?
Same thing here. Out of the blue, he tells me he’s unhappy and doesn’t want to be married anymore. He’d rather be single than unhappy. I was shocked. But then he’s texting me memories we’ve shared through the years. It’s a minute to minute thing right now. At this point, he’s leaving me for one of our friends, we’re selling the house and getting a divorce. We’ll see what tomorrow brings!!!!
Thanks for the article. My story is a bit more convoluted, but I am losing my husband to what I believe is a mid life crisis and I am in panic mode. For reference, we entered into a polyamours relationship 4 years ago. Our girlfriend always understood that my husband and I were solid, she was the third and I was #1, as it should be. This worked well for the first 3.5 years, and then she got too close. She left her husband of 15 years, moved into her own place, and placed all of her attention and focus on us. My husband and I both agreed that it was too much and talked to her about her neediness several times. At one point, around 3 months ago, my husband screamed at her that he’s not her boyfriend. He does not want this and she needs to back off. Her need for constant attention and affection drove him crazy. Just 2 months ago he was saying that is was time to phase her out and it would be best if she got a boyfriend. Well, sure enough she ended up with a boyfriend not too soon after this...and my 50 year old husband didn’t get a big promotion at work. He began questioning his entire life and started saying things like, “I have more life behind me than I have before. What am I doing?” I tried to encourage him and even told him to quit his job so he could find himself. Instead, he decided he was insanely jealous of our girlfriends new boyfriend and threw all of his attention into her. After we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary, which she attended, he told me he’s unhappy, he’s been unhappy “for a long time” and he doesn’t want to be married anymore. He’s now spending all of his time with our girlfriend and is madly in love with her. She walks on water and can do no wrong. Our friends and parents have tried talking sense into him but he’s gone. He’s leaving me for her, we’re selling our house, getting divorced, and they’re going to live happily ever after. And remember this is the woman who drove him nuts with her need for constant attention and love. My husband is NOT an affectionate person. All of this in spite of my family, his family, and our friends turning their backs. He won’t go to counseling, he won’t talk to me, and heaven forbid if he touches me! This is the worst evil. I am the devil, and he hates me. All within a short month.
Well it is goig on 2 years since he left and we have to coparent our daughter. He never explained why he left just unhappy etc etc. He literally refuses to speak to me about anything personal as it relates to our marriage and relationship and his family have provided hi with financial means to move on and move forward with divorcing me. I believe all is lost in my case, he simply refuses to speak about his feelings or anything of substance.
Hi all. Here I am again. My husband wants to separate. We already did separate last year for 3 months, but now, after a 6 month reconciliation, he's leaving again. He says he still loves me, but is completely miserable and he needs to figure out what will make him happy without me in the picture. He hates his job, but otherwise I can't seem to work out what is so terrible about his life. He did have an affair with one of our close friends during our first separation and recently went over to her house for dinner. I got really angry and we fought about it. He just expected me to tell him to have fun and be totally fine with it. They're just "friends" after all. Since this argument, he's become a huge jerk and has been treating me poorly. And now he wants to get out again. We're selling our house and he plans to buy a trailer where he will live on his own...oh, and he's quitting his job too. Basically he wants no responsibilities whatsoever. He also says our 13 year marriage was awful, he was never happy, and we are a bad match. I see it the complete opposite. So what to do?