You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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“In the beginning he couldn’t keep his hands off me. Now he won’t ever touch me. Is this a sign my husband’s not attracted to me anymore?”
Janice asked me this last week. I told her maybe, but there are also a number of other explanations than just this one.
All relationships change. There are stages relationships progress through, and attraction to a partner can look different in each one and for each person.
Another important thing to know is that the signs your husband is no longer attracted to you can be about more than just sex. Unfortunately, too many people mistakenly judge the strength of their relationship based on the sex frequency, interest, and satisfaction.
Because partners naturally drift apart (unless they do something to counter that), looking for signs your husband is still attracted to you is very common. And it’s not just women who wonder this about their partner – men ask this about their wives too.
Men are often more sexually focused than women, but not always. I’ve counseled women who are more interested in sex than their partners.
If a husband isn’t showing interest in his wife, either physically or sexually, then she’s likely to think something’s wrong. This is why Janice was asking what the signs are that husbands aren’t attracted to their wives.
I’ve talked with Janice’s husband, Richard, and know he still finds her physically attractive, but he also admits he doesn’t feel attracted to her.
Yes, these are different.
Her hunch is correct, but she’s got the reasons wrong.
Richard doesn’t like the way she talks to him and treats him. So, despite his finding her attractive and still wanting sex, he doesn’t want to with her.
He says that he comes home early from work (by 5:15) because she’s asked him to so he can help with their two young girls. When he comes home he takes over the parenting while she goes to take a bath or just get a break.
No problem, he says. And often he handles the whole evening routine by himself.
But rather than get some gratitude from her, Richard gets criticism –
And when Janice is really mad at him she gives him the silent treatment – for days at a time.
Then when she wants some physical affection or intimacy, he’s just not feeling it.
This is just one example from a couple I’m counseling right now. I’ve heard hundreds of variations that make the same point.
Sex is the typical way most partners measure the attraction and health of their relationship.
However, while this is one way to gauge the status of the relationship, it’s not a very good one.
My husband and I have been together 28 years. I am 55 years old. Years ago, I was thin and pretty. Over the years I gained about 15 pounds and stopped working out. I know my body doesn't look good and I know my husband isn't attracted to me anymore. I think he's addicted to porn and may have cheated (with girls half my age). We haven't had sex in about 1 year and when we did, he couldn't perform. He became very distant and even mean. He stares at women right in front of me and even once made a comment about a woman much prettier, thinner and way younger than me that, that's what I used to look like. What do I do? I know I got heavy and let myself go and that's probably why he's looking elsewhere.” -Bethany
Sex can be a sign of attraction to your partner, but that’s not a certainty. As we all know, sex can also be just about you and wanting the pleasure and release.
I worked with a couple years ago in divorce counseling and the guy would still drop by for a quickie while they were going through their divorce. In other words, I don’t like you (or am not attracted to you) enough to stay married, but I’ll still take the sex if I can get it.
Based on their sexual relations this guy looked like he was still attracted to his wife, but in reality, he really wasn’t.
Want to understand if he’s really attracted to you? Start by thinking about how he treats you in general.
How you’re treated is a much more accurate sign of his attraction to you than sex. After all, we all show care toward the things we like. So, ask yourself the following questions:
Doing kind things and going out of his way is one of the ways men show their attraction.
And I don’t mean just, “You look hot in that dress.” Compliments about you, your efforts, and the person you are indicate his interest.
Showing appreciation for the things you do for him is part of the expression of interest and attraction.
None of these behaviors are acceptable and may indicate he’s not truly attracted to the person you are.
This is a tough one for a lot of men because don’t know the difference. But a hug or kiss doesn’t have to lead to tearing clothes off. It could just be a sign he’s attracted to you.
Expressing interest in you, what you do, and what you like are expressions of attraction.
When you’ve been together for a long time things can become comfortable. Sometimes too comfortable. It’s up to both of you to keep the flame alive, but if he’s put you in the roommate zone it could be a sign he’s not attracted to you.
Looking at non-sexual behavior is the best way to determine genuine attraction. If your husband’s not doing any of the above (or doing the opposite of them), it’s a sign he’s not attracted to you.
I’ve been going through your articles for about an hour now and found them to be great reminders, I was aware of most of what was said. My biggest thing is that I really don’t feel like my husband finds me attractive, and I don’t know what happened as before we got married (literally less than 2 months ago) he was completely different. I’m afraid that his bad habits are getting the best of him and it seems as though all he cares about when he gets home from work is having a drink, eating, and rolling more cigarettes to smoke for the next day. I’ve been hesitant to say anything because he only gets defensive when I try to bring it up and I don’t know how to talk to him about it without him being defensive. I care so much about him and I’m trying so many different angles but I feel like no matter what I do, he just doesn’t take care of himself and has no desire to, and it’s affecting him and our relationship and it scares me for our future. I know there are ways that I’ve gone about it that weren’t nice and though I meant well just put him down, and now I’m so afraid to say anything at all. But it’s hard not to get frustrated when he barely even gives me a kiss when he gets home from work, and then guilts me if I don’t have dinner ready early enough. I don’t know what happened...” -Rene
We can’t change anything about anybody else – we can only change ourselves. However, you can influence him.
A helpful thing to keep in mind though is that it’s possible (actually likely) that his attraction to you may have more to do with him than you.
For instance, if he looks at porn regularly that’s going to play a much bigger part in what he finds physically attractive than how you look. A guy I’m counseling right now isn’t attracted to his wife and he blames it on her weight. And, yes, she hasn’t lost her baby weight. However, his porn watching is a much bigger factor.
Another guy I counsel has a female coworker that he’s too close to. He says it’s not sexual (yet), but he’s more attracted to her than to his wife and it’s not just because of appearance – it’s because of how she treats him. This woman thinks he’s wonderful (she’s married too), while his wife isn’t happy with him for a number of reasons.
It’s important to take care of yourself. The wife above would be wise to consider how she’s presenting herself, but that’s not all that’s needed.
Behavior and communication are important areas to focus on that have a big impact on your husband’s attraction to you. These areas are too often overlooked.
If you’re looking for signs he’s not attracted to you, then your relationship is probably not in a good place. If that’s the case, then you’re also probably feeling –
These feelings are going to come out. And even though they’re normal given the circumstances, they won’t be very appealing to him.
No wife wants to feel like her husband’s not attracted to her. If you feel you’ve seen signs he isn’t attracted to you, keep the following in mind:
The signs your husband isn’t attracted to you can be painful to see and accept. But doing so is necessary to bring the attraction back. So, muster your courage and strength – you have it in you.
Do you believe your husband’s not attracted to you? What signs have you seen? Please share them with other readers and get their feedback.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 24, 2022 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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My husband is not attracted to me
I've been with my bf for over 5 years 3 years ago he gave me my first promise ring ( his first time giving a ring to any girl ever in his life) 2 days after we had a bit of a tiff and his roommates had a girl over which he found attractive and decided to party with him which of course led to him taking her to the bedroom although he couldn't perform because of medications and drinking and stuff he was on so there wasn't much cheating but of course the attempted s*** was there and ever since then it's just gotten worse and worse where I feel like at this stage now he no longer finds me sexually attractive although we have talked and he insists he does we have sex once or twice a month most the time he's no longer able to exactly even though he's prescribed Cialis he jerks himself off to get hard and puts it in me and soon as he puts sting me it goes soft I have tried everything tonight I did myself a lot as pretty as I could to seduce him hoping that would help he looked at my sexy lingerie bride put on when I pulled my shirt up for one second gave it disgusted look and then just looked away and continue doing what he's doing it actually nothing and I'm just so frustrated I'm ready to walk and it's hard because I am so in love with him and I've even told him he could be honest with me even if it hurts me if he's not attracted to me then communicate with me we can work through something and figure it out but he is so stubborn and real refused to admit every time he sees me naked he goes soft help