There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Are you the other man in a relationship? Or, have you ever wondered what it really means to be the other man? If you are or are thinking about having a relationship with someone who’s already committed, there are some important things to consider.
When it comes to adultery, being the "other woman" is the stuff of countless movies and stereotypes. Whether it’s wearing a scarlet letter, boiling bunnies, or lamenting about how he’s promised repeatedly to leave his wife, the “other woman” has received her share of both negative and sympathetic attention throughout time.
However, we don’t hear much about the “other man” when cheating occurs. Sure, there are jokes about the tennis pro or the pool boy, but when a woman cheats, the other man isn’t typically either one of those.
The man a married (or committed) woman cheats with is generally a pretty average guy who’s allowed himself to get caught up in an emotionally turbulent situation.
Very often, the men married women cheat with have no intention of getting involved with an unavailable woman, or if they do and don’t care, they’re in it for the chase or the sex, and nothing more. Until nothing turns into something.
So, if you’ve found yourself the other man in a relationship, you should know a few things.
I know it’s messy, but she’s fantastic, and you think you can handle things. And she’d never hurt you, right?
Eh, there are many levels between reality and wishful thinking. When you’re the other man, you’re on a level closer to wishes than reality.
And it’s not a level that’s good for your mental, emotional, or physical health.
Dr. Kurt works with men who’ve unwittingly become the other man in the relationship. In his experience,
One of the hardest things to do when you're in the middle of an affair is to be clear headed. I regularly work with guys who've gotten themselves into a relationship where they've become the 'other man' and I see this firsthand. One thing they all share in common is being conflicted about what they're doing. Obviously, part of them likes it, but there's almost always another part of them that also questions what they're doing. Typically, the feelings on both sides are so strong that they feel paralyzed and incapable of making a decision. So, they make no decision and keep going along, even though doing so doesn't make them feel any better. If this is you, do yourself a big favor and get some help from a professional like me."
Affairs certainly damage the person cheating and their family, but they’re also detrimental to the other person participating in the affair.
Knowing that the woman you’re involved with has a life that can’t include you will leave you feeling,
Keeping secrets, lying, and sneaking around can also lead to anxiety and stress, as can constantly feeling that your position in her life isn’t secure.
More than anything, however, being the other man means you’re not getting what you want and need from a relationship. Constantly waiting for your partner to leave their significant other for you isn’t emotionally fulfilling or fun.
So, to say being the secret lover in a relationship is a complicated and emotionally draining experience is an understatement. The emotional toll of being the other man can be overwhelming.
When you’re in the midst of an affair, it can be easy to look toward the future and dream of what could be. But remember the levels. You’re still sitting closer to wishful than real.
The truth is that relationships from affairs rarely last. This means that for some length of time, you’re wrestling with the awareness that,
In the event your relationship ends, especially if it’s abrupt or not what you wanted, you may also feel intense jealousy toward your partner’s significant other. Feelings of jealousy can lead to,
Unfortunately, the emotional fallout that comes with being the secret other guy can be extremely difficult to manage because, by the time you’ve finally acknowledged the need to put an end to things, there’s already been irreparable damage done.
So, what’s a guy to do?
Obviously, avoiding entanglements with someone who’s already committed (or is supposed to be) is the best idea. But if that ship has sailed, it’s essential to take some realistic next steps and try to minimize the pain to you and everyone else involved.
The steps below can be a good starting point:
Important note: If she decides to leave her husband to be with you, the health and longevity of your future relationship with her means she will need to work through her own complicated feelings and heal from her past relationship before being with you.
It will be tempting to jump into things and assume that your future together starts as soon as she leaves her relationship, but that road is full of landmines if you’re not patient and take things slowly.
Believe it or not, there are some men who repeatedly find themselves in the role of the “other man.” Some do this purposefully, while other men will claim their attraction to unavailable women is nothing more than sad coincidences.
Regardless of the awareness or lack-there-of for repeated involvement with married women, it’s an unhealthy proclivity. And believe me, anyone who’s been or is the secret love in someone’s life knows this on some level.
So, why do some men gravitate toward the women who are already taken? There are some universally common reasons.
Whether one or all of these apply, if you’re regularly the other guy these perceived benefits to the arrangement are short-lived and emotionally damaging.
Being the other man is a complicated and often painful situation. Avoiding being part of it at all is your best choice. If you’ve already forgone that choice, ending things and creating space so you can each gain perspective is the next best thing.
However, it’s ultimately up to you to decide whether or not this relationship is worth pursuing despite its challenges.
Remember, being the other man comes with the following unavoidable truths,
And lastly, if you’re the other man, you should know that you will get hurt. So, ask yourself, if you know with certainty that the relationship you’re in or considering will mean you getting hurt, why would you still choose it?
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Hello, found your article very interesting. But there’s stuff lacking, I have been the other man, and I ended up in getting her for myself. But there’s in an issue. How can I trust her now? How do we know she won’t do it again?
Thank you in advance for your expertise
William, I deal with this regularly. I have a patient who got together with his current wife 17 years ago when they both cheated on their prior spouses. The distrust that started their relationship underlies all of their current problems. Part of the answer to this is in building trust now they overrides the distrust from the past. There are strategies you can use to do this, which I teach in my counseling sessions. -Dr. Kurt
I was the other man and it was probably the worst thing I ever did and has taken months for me to recover my mental health and get rid of all the trauma bonds. It lasted for over a year and she kept claiming she was going to leave, but was all a lie and she never seriously considered it and I got frustrated with the uncertainty one day and ended up telling the husband. He forgave her even though it was the second long term affair she’d had. She said she wanted to remain friends but wouldn’t see me after and eventually blocked me on everything.