Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
One of the most difficult things about relationship abuse is that a lot of the times it doesn't look like abuse at all. Even the victims of abuse can have a hard time recognizing what’s going on or that something’s actually wrong. A result of it going unrecognized is that the victim often looks like the person with the problem rather than the abuser.
Everyone believes they can recognize relationship abuse. One of the stereotypical signs of an abusive relationship is a man hitting a woman, like former-NFL football player, Ray Rice, punching and knocking out his then fiancee, Janay, in an elevator. But the domestic violence form of relationship abuse is actually the minority form, it just happens to be the one that gets all of the publicity and is the easiest to recognize as being wrong.
The more subtle and harder to spot kinds of abuse are verbal, emotional, and mental, which are the most common forms of relationship abuse. Often these don't look like abuse at all, because they can look reasonable for the circumstances. After all, we all get mad at our partners occasionally, so the husband who makes a snide or sarcastic comment, or the wife who screams insults at her husband out of anger, doesn’t always seem problematic to those watching – or even the abused.
Yet the non-physical forms of abuse in a relationship can cause a great deal of harm and damage. And because the abuse often goes unnoticed for so long, the victim can start to believe it’s a normal part of the relationship, or that they deserve it. Over time victims can suffer anxiety, depression and a debilitating loss of self-esteem and self-confidence. These effects can have the additional consequence of making the victim feel dependent upon their abuser and therefore unable to do anything about it.
Take a look at what I wrote about understanding abuse in relationships in a social media post below.
Sadly, a lot of people who are in abusive relationships don't even recognize it. They often believe they have the problem, not their abusive partner, and that they do have things they need to change or do better. For instance, some of the men who come to me for anger management classes are in relationships with abuse, and not just because of their anger. While these men legitimately need to learn to manage their anger, they also need to understand that some, and sometimes much, of their anger results from another wrong in their relationship - their abusive partner.
What's typical in cases of relationship abuse like this is that the anger management problem that arises out of the frustration of dealing with the other partner's abuse is the only problem identified. The abusive behavior by the partner that is causing the angry responses gets ignored. It is possible for both partners to become abusive towards each other, but it isn't so important establishing which abuse is worse as it is that both partners will admit their problem behavior.
So how do you tell if you may be the victim of relationship abuse? As I wrote in the social media post above, "Clue #1 that you're in an unhealthy, and very possibly abusive relationship - Your partner never admits any mistakes, accepts any fault, takes any responsibility -- one way or another it always ends up being you with the problem."
Name-calling, put downs, never saying anything loving, controlling behavior, it always being your fault, are all forms of relationship abuse. And throughout these there's one consistent trait -- it's always about them. Abusers won't recognize the needs of their partner. Their needs always come first and are the only ones that matter. More importantly, they don’t – or won’t – recognize that they’ve done anything wrong. They will continually justify their behavior by saying it’s the fault of their partner and they deserved it. In the abusers mind they're always right.
What's that look like in real life? Take a look at Ray Rice, the former NFL player I described earlier. After he punched his fiancee and the video of it became public, Rice held a news conference where he apologized to everyone but the person he knocked out. He later told teammates that he had no choice but to defend himself.
If you've got a partner who thinks and talks like Rice, then you need to look closely for these signs of relationship abuse. Remember, it can be hard to spot. Rice wasn't just physically abusive, he was emotionally and mentally abusing his fiancee as well by not owning the truth about his behavior. And it’s very likely that things were even worse behind closed doors. It can be hard for all of us to admit when we are wrong, but when we have a partner who never does that, then that's a warning sign of relationship abuse.
Did this article help you? If you'd like to read more about abuse or relationships, then sign-up at the bottom of this page to get future posts sent directly to you or follow me on Facebook or Twitter where a couple of times a week I share helpful relationship and self-improvement tips like this.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published August May 31, 2015. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
Want to know what Abusive Women are really like? Take a look at 7 behaviors used by Women who are Abusive. Read quotes from Women who Abuse and partners.
No one gets into a relationship expecting to be controlled by their partner.
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Hello. So here is the deal. I have been the abuser. I have been convicted of domestic violence. What I did was wrong and I have lived with the constant shame and regret. I have been in my relationship for seven years. I am deeply in love with this woman. I have failed her too many times. I have struggled with an addiction with porn in the past. I have known this woman since the seventh grade. we have two children together. I am all over the place and sorry for that. I grew up in a verbally and physically abusive home and due to this I have struggled with insecurity and self-esteem my whole life. I have since come to understand that when feeling insecure in myself and relationship was the time that I would seek out porn and women. I have had emotional affairs in the beginning of my wife and i's relationship. after the truth came out I have since been loyal to my wife. now knowing my trigger I have been able to put porn behind me as well. in trying to rebuild the trust over the years I have indulged in all of her requests. I have deleted facebook, I don't use a smart phone. I have wanted her trust and indulged her every whim. I have quit several well paying jobs as well because of her insecurity. leading to financial turmoil at different times. I work extremely hard for my family even having lived in my car for months at a time to provide for my family. I suffer from PTSD as i am a combat vet. now in a lot of ways this doesn't excuse any of my behavior. it doesn't excuse my anger or my violence. The thing is whenever we go out in public I have high anxiety and i am constantly scanning my surroundings in a state of high vigilance. I was trained to be. So I notice a lot more than most people. the problem is my wife confuses it. thinking that all I am doing is checking out women. My wife is gorgeous, I love her with all that i am and I have no need for any other woman. I have matured and i am not seeking porn or other women. my wife has not let me even see her breast in 4 years since my daughter was born. I long for a closeness with her. the thing is I am always the problem. after my conviction I had to take dv classes she was so insecure about the receptionist that she drove down to the office just to see what she looked like. Now just as things were starting to look up for us and we were moving forward and healing another man has walked in. I have been working out of state living in my car for two months. we recently moved into an rv as a family so that we could travel as a family with my work. this other guy a fellow vet new my wife from her previous job. she was open about their friendship and always reassured me that they were only friends and no attraction. we are supposed to be heading to texas and this guy found out about it and decided that before we left he had to tell her that he was in love with her and that they are meant to be together. she has now left me for this other man. who is feeding her lies and playing on our relationship struggles that she confided in him. he is also telling her lies about his time in the service. things that I know and understand how the process works. I keep trying to warn her but she now tells me that she loves him. he is recently divorced as well. after three weeks of talking he is already talking about proposing to her. he has two daughters as well and she uses that as an excuse to say that he isn't playing a game with her. I want her to be happy even if that is not with me because she deserves to be happy. i just don't want to see her hurt anymore. I keep asking her to go to counseling with me but she only replies that she has made her decision. I need help saving this relationship. I know that I have been just as guilty on my side abusing her as she has me. I want us to heal to be a family and to have my best friend back. she says that she hates that she is hurting me and that she loves me but she is still leaving me for this other man.
Keaton, It's good that you realize your behavior was wrong and have worked on ways to change. Change takes time, so be patient. Go to counseling without her. Both of you don't need to be there for it work. Consider finding an expert in PTSD, as well. In my experience, once one spouse comes in, the other one wants to as well. Let her see that you're continuing to make changes she can trust. -Kurt
If she needs the woman's name and he is willing to rebuild trust, he should provide it. Period. That's not an unreasonable request on her part.
Great article. I have been married for almost 20 years, and things have gotten difficult lately. People we've talked to have suggested it's just a phase, that the kids cause stress and disagreement betwen us, that we just need to stick it out and try harder. However I'm starting to see symptoms of abuse from her. We've tried counseling, but she doesn't feel compelled to work on issues identified in our sessions. When we argue, I feel like the finger is always pointed at me...that I'm the one who's causing the problem. I bought into this a while ago and sought professional help (I was diagnosed with a very minor form of bipolar disorder, but I have a feeling the symptoms I exhibit are due to our relationship). I also used to self-medicate, but have committed to being sober to eliminate that as being a potential part of the reason our relationship has suffered.
I am very healthy and try to lead a life full of adventure and new experiences. My upbringing is definitely a factor; I grew up in Europe, traveled a lot, am bilingual, etc. Not her; she has lived in CA all her life, had a somewhat sheltered childhood (her mother's a Chicken Little; fears the worst in everything and warns those around her of the dangers in life), went to public school (I attended prestigious private schools overseas). An ideal weekend for me is to get outside and exercise, spend quality time with the kids, meet new people. She prefers to have quiet time at home, relax, etc. Mind you, there are chores to be done and life's not all about R&R, but I carry my weight there and cook, do laundry, fix things around the house.
My wife has always been very controlling and defensive. She immediately puts up her guard when I offer some constructive criticism - she'll blame me for my insensitive approach, get emotional, and the issue then turns to my apologizing and making amends. When we sit down and talk, I am willing to accept her feedback and work on the issues she brings up. Not the same with her.
As of late, I've gained more self-confidence and independence (partly because the kids are older and no longer depend on us as much). That has caused issues between us; whereas in the past I was submissive, accepting, and compromising, now I stand my ground and remind her that a healthy marriage has balance and both partners have a right to be heard and help make decisions on issues.
My tendency is to accept her opinion when we disagree (she's definitely the dominant one in our relationship and has far better communication skills). When I speak up I feel flustered, can't find the words, and my argument comes across as weak. That could be contributing to our not seeing eye to eye.
I'm at a loss as to what to do at this point. As I mentioned, I've pledged to make us a top priority and work on our relationship for the time being. But the "one step forward, two steps back" I'm noticing are causing me to wonder if we'll ever be able to find the connection and love we used to have. Am I being unrealistic? Expecting too much? The last thing I want is to live the rest of my life in a dysfunctional and imbalanced relationship. Life is too short!!
Jack, If you're the only one who takes feedback and makes changes from it, and that never changes, then, yes, you're being unrealistic. Go to counseling without her. The more you change the more her refusal to do so will become an issue and you'll get the answers to your questions. Dr. Kurt
I take some offense to Clue #1 that you're in an unhealthy, and very possibly abusive relationship - Your partner never admits any mistakes, accepts any fault, takes any responsibility -- ". Mainly because my.,. Soon to be ex would claim that's me. If he attended your groups he would go on and on about how I'm the problem, he would throw in a " yeah I have some things to work on, we both need to change, but she does xyz". Why? Because he's a master manipulator, because he knows how to get people on his side, because even when he says he's sorry it isn't real because nothing changes. There was a time when I was verbally abusive in our relationship. I called it standing up for myself, but somehow when I did we would end up in these huge fights and both of us going below the belt. It has been two years since I've been nasty back with him. I've realized it doesn't matter what he says to me, I have no right to go below the belt. However, now he threatens to beat and or kill my dog, goes and smokes a cigarette, comes back in says he's sorry, yet within an hour does it again. I've taken to telling him "you're right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry" just to get him to end the tangent he's on. And his reply is to laughingly tell me I'm finally learning. So, there are two sides to every story. But I guess the chances of him going to therapy are small, so maybe people who actually seek it are more genuine? I'm just trying to get out but when I mention it he berates me for days, starts drinking heavily and is just nasty. Then once he's worn me.down he will flip and start with let's not.split up our family, I think we can be happy, I don't want to.be miserable, I want to be happy and I think we can. Followed by him painting a picture.of doing things that make him happy. Not real concerned about what makes me happy or if I.even enjoy what he's claiming will make us happy. Happiness is fleeting, joy comes from within, I lack both these days.
Men are constantly painted as the "abusers" but take it from me, there is nothing as abusive as a passive aggressive woman! For those of you that aren't involved with one, imagine a marriage with no affection, no communication, no intimacy, no physical contact of any kind, and every time you try to have a conversation your wife just sits there staring off into space, or even falls asleep. And no matter how hard you try, how much you try to do to show how much you care about her, you get nothing in return. What's worse is when you ask her to do anything she deliberately screws it up, no matter how easy or trivial it was, or how many times she's done it in the past. Therapy wont work because she wont be honest, going out of your way to be affectionate or considerate wont work because she is unable to show any appreciation, and attempting to talk to her is akin to trying to break a safe open with your skull. ive been stuck in this relationship for 14 years now, and the only reason why I am still here is because of my 2 kids. Its gotten consistently worse over the years, with her getting more and more detached. Guys, if this is your life, or you see the signs, like a disinterest in sex or any kind of intimacy, I have just one thing to tell you: RUN!