6 Min Read

Contents

• They’re Not Lying – Are They?
• What Is A Compulsive Liar?
• What Is A Pathological Liar?
• How Do I Know If They’re A Compulsive Liar Or A Pathological Liar?
• The Emotional Toll Liars Take
• Setting Boundaries Or Walking Away
• Takeaways For Understanding Compulsive Liars Or Pathological Liars
• FAQs

It’s safe to say we’ve all been lied to at some point. Perhaps we’ve even done the lying ourselves once or twice, too. And we can probably agree that lies, even small ones, can be harmful – especially in a relationship.

But there are lies, and then there are LIES if you know what I mean.

Saying you like your friend’s hair when you don’t is in a different category than lying to your spouse about an affair.

When it comes to more serious deception, two terms are often used to describe a person who’s a repeat offender –compulsive liar or pathological liar.

It may seem that these two terms are interchangeable, and they’re often used that way, but they’re not. They represent distinct patterns of behavior with unique psychological hallmarks.

If you have a partner, family member, or close friend who lies repeatedly, understanding if they’re compulsive liars or pathological liars is crucial for dealing with the issues they create.

They’re Not Lying – Are They?

No one wants to think that someone they care about is lying to them. Most of us default to trust when we love someone. Because of that, we often let ourselves be lied to for far too long, believing the excuses from them or making excuses for them.

So, before we discuss types of liars, let’s go over some signs of chronic lying.

A chronic liar, whether compulsive or pathological, can be tough to identify because they’re well practiced. However, there are certain patterns or behaviors that can act as red flags. Among them are,

• Inconsistency in stories. You’ve heard about the tangled web, right? When someone lies regularly, there will be inconsistencies as the lies become more difficult to keep straight.
  
• Unrealistic claims. A race car driver? Former astronaut? That Victoria’s Secret charge was for your birthday gift – in 7 months? Really? If the stories seem over the top and unrealistic, you’re right to be suspicious.
  
• Deflecting questions. “Where were you last night?” “Work stuff. Oh hey, we have to go. We’ll be late for the basketball game.” Evading questions, vague answers, or deflection could mean lying.
  
• Charm in excess. Pathological liars in particular are often very charming. Their charisma and charm can distract from the fact they’re lying.
  
• Defensiveness or anger. Most liars won’t easily own up to their lies and become defensive or angry when challenged.

Any of this sound familiar?

If so, consider them red flags that you may be dealing with a chronic liar. And if you are, you now need to determine what kind of liar they are.

What Is A Compulsive Liar?

A compulsion is a strong urge that becomes difficult or nearly impossible to resist. So, a compulsive liar is someone who lies because the urge to do so has caused it to become second nature.

Often, the lies they tell are trivial and not malicious. They may not be premeditated but spontaneous and completely unnecessary.

Some of the most recognizable characteristics of a compulsive liar include,

• Habitual lying. Compulsive liars sometimes don’t even realize they’re lying. It’s just something they do. They don’t plan or weave creative stories. They just say things that aren’t true.
  
• Low stakes lies. The lies a compulsive liar tells are often about silly, mundane things. For instance, they may claim they took the bus to work when they actually drove.
  
• Inconsistency. As mentioned, compulsive liars don’t generally plan their dishonest stories. As a result, their stories are often inconsistent when revisited.
  
• Lack of malicious intent. Because the lies told by compulsive liars are reflexive rather than calculated, they’re usually not intended to harm anyone or cover up truly bad deeds.

It may seem that the lies told by compulsive liars are pointless and not worth the problems they cause.

True on both counts.

But compulsive lying likely developed as a result of,

• Low self-esteem. They may feel a deep sense of inadequacy and have developed the habit of lying to keep from feeling those feelings.
  
• Childhood experiences. It’s possible that they grew up in an environment where lying was a survival strategy.
  
• As an anxiety response. Some people lie when under pressure or as a way to avoid difficult or uncomfortable situations.

Since compulsive lying becomes a deeply seeded, habitual behavior that probably originated as a coping mechanism, a compulsive liar can’t simply stop.

What Is A Pathological Liar?

In contrast to compulsive liars, pathological liars lie deliberately. They tend to have a motive behind their lies, and the lies themselves are far more elaborate and purposeful.

The most recognizable characteristics of a pathological liar include,

• Calculated lies. Unlike compulsive liars, pathological liars have a clear, calculated objective for lying. Their lies have a purpose, like concealing bad behavior (example: an affair), or making themselves look good (example: taking credit for someone else’s work), and they’re generally deceitful in addition to being untrue.
  
• Self-serving or malicious motives. To reiterate, the purpose of a pathological liar's lies is generally personal and manipulative. They may want to improve their image, hide something, or control someone.
  
• Believability. Pathological liars are also generally much better at creating believable lies to achieve their goals. You won’t find them saying they took a bus while twirling their car keys.
  
• Lack of remorse or guilt. Most pathological liars don’t feel guilty or remorseful for the harm their lies cause. They’re too focused on achieving their own selfish goals.

While compulsive liars have often developed their habit of lying as a defense mechanism, pathological lying is generally tied to deeper psychological issues like narcissistic personality or antisocial behavior.

How Do I Know If They’re A Compulsive Liar Or A Pathological Liar?

There’s nothing easy or fun about dealing with lying of any kind. But if someone you care about makes a practice of lying, it’s a good idea to try to understand the why behind the behavior.

Knowing the why may not make the behavior less problematic or painful, but it can help you determine the next best steps for you and whether you want to stay connected to the lying individual if they won’t work at changing.

Sometimes personality and history can give you a clue as to whether they’re a compulsive or pathological liar, but that’s not always the case. The psychology behind chronic lying can be complicated, and emotions can blur your perception.

So, if you’re trying to determine if you’re dealing with a compulsive liar or a pathological liar, consider the following aspects for comparison.

Intent

Compulsive liar: Lies out of habit with no clear intention to deceive.

Pathological liar: Lies deliberately with motive and sometimes malice.

Complexity

Compulsive liar: Simple, low-stakes lies, often about trivial matters.

Pathological liar: Deliberate, complicated lies that benefit them.

Emotional Response

Compulsive liar: Will feel guilty or embarrassed if caught.

Pathological liar: Will be defiant or indifferent when caught and show little to no remorse.

Impact On Others

Compulsive liar: Usually harmless lies that have little to no practical effect.

Pathological liar: Often harmful and manipulative.

The Emotional Toll Liars Take

In his counseling practice, Dr. Kurt has seen the damage lying can do. When asked about it he had this to say,

It's probably not surprising to hear that lying comes up a lot in counseling. After all, we all do it. Most often to ourselves – 'I don't really have an anger problem,' 'It's not me, it's her,' etc. But a lot of problem behavior has a lying to others element and so partners and family members do bring it up regularly. And often it's not just, 'She lies,' it's, 'She's a pathological liar.' As this post explains, the difference between a compulsive liar and a pathological liar is significant, and the vast majority of people don't know the difference. So, these two terms are usually unintentionally misused, but their use speaks a lot about the pain lying causes, and less about the correct description of the person lying."

Whether it’s a pathological liar or a compulsive liar, being lied to continually is emotionally taxing.

Not only does it erode trust, which is foundational to a good relationship, but it can also create stress and instability, which impacts your mental health.

A liar can cause you to feel,

• Angry
  
• Anxious
  
• Guarded
  
• Self-doubt
  
• Manipulated
  
• Depressed

And those are just the most common emotions. Most people will feel a mix of those in addition to others.

Setting Boundaries Or Walking Away

Because of the damage both compulsive and pathological liars can do, sometimes the healthiest choice is to walk away. This can be extremely difficult and painful, but if they’re,

• Refusing to take accountability
  
• Insist they don’t need to change
  
• Damaging your emotional or psychological health

Then you may need to create distance between the two of you. Walking away isn’t failure, it’s an act of self-preservation and self-respect.

Of course, this is far easier said than done, especially if you’re married or in a long-term relationship. In these cases, there may be several steps you opt to take before getting to the point of leaving.

Chronic lying of either type, however, can be a hard habit to break without help. The best chance for long-lasting change is to work with an experienced counselor who can help you both learn which tools are most effective for breaking the habit and setting boundaries.

Takeaways For Understanding Compulsive Liars Or Pathological Liars

There’s rarely a justification for lying. While an occasional, compassionate lie may seem acceptable, chronic compulsive or pathological lying certainly isn’t.

If you’re dealing with a chronic liar, keep the following in mind,

• It’s easy to explain away or accept justifications for lying when it comes to people you love. Don’t. It’s your mental health that will be impacted in the long run.
  
• Not all lying is the same. Pathological liars are typically more malicious than compulsive liars.
  
• Because motivations are different, it's important to know whether the person you’re dealing with is a compulsive liar or a pathological liar. Understanding the difference will help guide your dealings with them.
  
• If the person who’s lying is willing to change, your greatest chance for lasting change and success is to seek the support of a qualified counselor.
  
• If a liar refuses to change, walking away is a reasonable but last resort option.

If someone you love struggles with lying, whether a compulsive liar or a pathological liar, professional help is likely to be necessary for real change.

FAQs

Are compulsive liars and pathological liars different?

Yes, compulsive lying is an urge that becomes hard to resist, likely developed as a coping mechanism. Compulsive lies are generally low-stakes, silly lies.

Pathological lying is most often malicious, manipulative, and a sign of deeper psychological problems.

Why is it important to know the difference between compulsive and pathological liars?

Because the motivations behind the lies compulsive liars tell and the lies pathological liars tell are very different, knowing which kind of liar a person is can help you determine how you want to deal with them.

Is lying ever okay?

Personal opinions and tolerance for lying vary. Most people will tell you there are grey areas depending on the reason. Some people, however, will claim any form of dishonesty shouldn’t be tolerated.

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