What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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At Guy Stuff we get questions and comments about personal and relationship issues daily. Some questions are more common than others.
A frequent question from women is, “How come my husband doesn’t find me attractive after I’ve had a baby?”
Women asking this question often feel their husband no longer loves them.
They put their question, “How come my husband doesn’t find me attractive after baby?”, in the same category as, “He’s fallen out of love with me,” and worry that he’ll find someone else.
Many of these types of comments are from women who just had babies within the last year or two, and are dealing with postpartum hormones and the stress of being a new parent. Feeling like their partner isn’t attracted to them anymore on top of all that can be extremely painful.
Fortunately, there’s a good chance that’s not what’s happening.
Kim is a good example of what a woman with these feelings can look like. Check out her story below and see if you can relate.
Add another one to the ‘husband doesn't find me attractive after baby’ list. We've been together for 10 years, married for 7, and have a little girl who is almost 2. We used to have sex once a week which wasn't as much as I wanted, but enough that I could feel ok. When I got pregnant he lost all interest. Although I didn't get very big and he told me all the time that I was still beautiful, I figured deep down it was just the 'ick' factor. Fast forward to 6 weeks after the baby was born and I got an IUD. I couldn't wait for the weekend! Sadly, I was disappointed -- he still had NO interest. I thought it was because I had 10 lbs to lose post-baby, so I hired a personal trainer and started working hard. At this point I'm 34, in the best shape of my life, and turn men's heads all the time. Sadly my husband still has almost no interest.” –Kim
Having a baby is the most natural thing in the world, but it absolutely changes everything in your life and can take an especially large toll on a couple's sex life.
Comments on our site indicate that most women jump to the conclusion that “my husband doesn’t find me attractive because of my baby weight,” either due to gaining too much while pregnant or weighing too much after the baby.
While body changes during and after a pregnancy are a reality, there are a few other things to consider regarding his interest in sex with you.
Kim states that her husband “lost all interest" once she was pregnant, calling it "the 'ick' factor."
In actuality, the problem may have been that he was afraid to have sex with her – not that he didn't find her attractive while she was pregnant.
It’s fairly common for men to fear that sex will somehow hurt the baby, or you, even in the early stages of pregnancy. In the same way many people can’t really use a map to fairly judge distance, some men don’t really realize that it’s physically impossible for them to get close enough to the baby to hurt it.
Add to that the anxiety many men have about the future when their wives are pregnant.
When a man looks at his expectant partner he now sees two people who need him, count on him, and for whom he’s responsible. That can be a heavy dose of reality for many men and can dampen their sexual desire.
So, it’s very likely that Kim’s husband’s disinterest has more to do with his fears and anxiety than it does with his attraction to her.
Kim also mentions that at 6 weeks after the baby was born, she was ready for sex again, but her husband wasn't.
If he watched Kim give birth he may have a hard time seeing her body in the same way he did before. It’s no longer a sexual temptation, but rather a mysterious vehicle for creating and delivering another human being.
Yes, birth is miraculous and beautiful, but it’s also a bit gory.
Most men get a bird’s eye view of the birth and see up close the amazing changes their partner's body goes through in delivery. This can be uncomfortable to see, and even harder for men to unsee, especially when you're ready to have sex again.
So, it may not be that your husband doesn’t find you attractive after the baby, but that he hasn't yet come to terms with what he witnessed during the birthing process. Finding a way to see your body in a sexual manner means letting go of the imagery of delivery.
And while breastfeeding is undoubtedly natural and preferable if you’re able, watching this process is another way that a once sexual part of your body now has a new role.
Most men are used to being in control and being able to help or fix things. When a woman gives birth there’s not a lot for them to do. Consequently, many men feel powerless when their wives are in pain during delivery, or even guilty that they got you pregnant in the first place.
Since sex is how we get pregnant, it’s understandable that some men need extra time before they’re ready for sex again. But rather than tell their partners how they feel and why, some men just avoid it and keep their partners at arm’s length, not realizing their partners are wondering,
Why isn't my husband attracted to me after my pregnancy?”
A lot of men may not even recognize this is how they feel, and if they do, they may feel guilty about saying anything.
The biggest way to avoid these misunderstandings is through good communication.
Unfortunately, many couples feel self-conscious, embarrassed, or just too overwhelmed by being new parents to have these conversations. And when communication breaks down, new problems arise.
Dr. Kurt has seen couples go through this before. When asked if he had any advice he had this to say,
Remember that the problem is his interest in sex, not whether he loves his partner. They're two different issues. Husbands become disinterested for other reasons too. It's not uncommon for men to find ways to deal with not having sex during a pregnancy, such as watching porn and masturbating, and these can play a part in his loss of interest afterward also."
Before jumping to conclusions about his attraction to you, take a step back and try seeing things from his perspective. Yes, that can seem like a big ask with everything else that you’re trying to juggle, but pregnancy and a new baby had an effect on him too.
So, consider the following tips if you’re feeling like he’s not attracted to you postpartum.
These things can help you ease back into intimacy and sex in a manner that’s comfortable and satisfying to you both.
Feeling like your husband doesn’t find you attractive after the baby is painful. But lack of attraction typically doesn't stay that way, and how you respond to him can play a big part in how long it does.
Remember that,
Above all, communicate.
If after a baby he doesn’t seem attracted to you, he may be confused or nervous. So, have patience. A baby is a big change, so you’ll need to find your new normal.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 23, 2016, updated on March 22, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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Michelle.
Getyourselftogether and don't you allow your thoughts and feelings to be controlled by a cold, selfish man. Just ignore him and go on with your daily routine and love yourself as you care for your baby. You are still and always be a vital and beautiful woman. Let him act like a little twerp. Don't let it mess with your self esteem.
Any other time, if it was a wife not interested in sex with her husband's, the men who comment here would be jumping all over the wife and yelling at her about some crap about her causing hi to cheat. Where are all the big mouthed men now? See, just what I have been saying to some all along.
You obviously have some experience w/ this and are bitter. Come back and leave a comment when you are more clear-headed. Thanks.
Cant take the truth. Can't stand it because I gave it to you straight. No phonies her. See dude, all women are not blind and stupid for you men.
You can keep your typically arrogant and nasty attitude, calling a woman bitter because she tells you the truth about yourself and your gender. O
Robles, bring on more.
I tell you the truth. Some or better most men need to get used to the fact to have sex with a mother. Once the baby is born you are not the innocent girl anymore. I saw my wife breast feeding and dealing with all the stuff a mom has to deal with and it just turned me completely off. She reminds me on my mother or even worse on her mother. Plus the birth marks and all the hospital things discussed here before, it takes all attraction away. I helped my wife with the baby as much as I could and I understood that she cant walk around in high heals and short skirt as she did before but she also let herself go in terms of clothing etc.. She was entirely focused on the baby and when she wanted to have sex, I could think of nothing else then her breast feeding, the baby language, the dippers and everything else what comes with a baby. I can say for myself, it was the "get use to f... a mom" thing. Talking to my friends, they all said the same!
Then you may need to tell men not to get married. If your wife can get use to your short and thin penis, your love handles and all that hair world your genital and under your arms as you breathe on while havinfsex, the. You should be able to deal with her breastfeeding and birth situations. which turns her off but she doesn't tell you
See husbands, that's why some obgyns and some women wrote articles to blast your bad attitudes. Your egotistical selves, continue to destroy everything beautiful about your wives!! Get the bump out of her delivery room. Men were never supposed to invade a woman/wife's private body space like that. She can't even look down and see everything, so why the bump, does a husband think he has right to see something on her, that she can't even see? Men never cease to amaze, with all their unrealistic, outlandish, and unfair expectations of women.
See ladies, this is what your men they think of you; and some of you actually worship them.
so do you still feel this way?
My husband hasn’t touched me since the day I told him I was pregnant 5 years ago. He has told me he doesn’t find mother’s attractive. I have not “let myself go” I lost every single pound I gained during pregnancy, I work out regularly. I appear on tv fairly regularly as an expert in my field. I put on make up, wear fashionable clothing. My husband remarks on the stretch marks on my legs from the pregnancy & the little extra skin on my otherwise perfectly flat stomach. Both a result of my pregnancy. I’m at a loss & I’m so frustrated. I have needs. At what point am I allowed to get my needs met elsewhere.
Mica, leave him - 5 years? FIVE YEARS? I hope you don't give another day to a worthless person. There are other men out there for you.
Why would you sit here and bash someone you don't even know? Lmfao. Some of the females in this comment section are straight up bitter as f---. So he doesn't want to have sex with someone he finds unattractive and that makes him "worthless?" Wow. . . just wow. Sorry to see you've lost ALL compassion. I gotta wonder why it's like having that same lack-of-compassion for yourself.
Don't worry Mica. You are allowed to get your needs met elsewhere whenever you want. And I'm here to help.