Relationships aren’t just love, connection, and good times. Successful couples also need to be able to navigate difficult emotions. Two of the most challenging are anger and resentment.
Not getting angry isn't as easy as many people think. Like many issues, those of us with no experience with the problem can struggle understanding why it's so hard for people who do. This is true with anger and especially with how to deal with anger in a relationship.
Most anger problems are caused by interactions with other people. Typically these anger arousing interactions are with significant others, especially partners. This inter-relational component adds a lot of complexity to dealing with anger, particularly in a relationship.
The simple way to look at situations involving anger is to assume that the person who's angry is wrong, after all, yelling, slamming your fist on the table, or punching a hole in the wall is obviously wrong. But to assume that because the angry behavior is wrong that the person doing it is too, and thus the other person must be right, is a mistake and not always true.
One of the reasons anger management classes have such a high failure rate is that they don't address the whole picture of anger. Here's an example of how complicated it can be to deal with anger within a relationship:
I met with a man last week, Jared, who told me that his wife hasn't talked to him for nearly a week and that he's been sleeping on the sofa for the past 6 nights. The reason? He got angry with her.
Jared described a trip to Los Angeles he, his wife, and their three young kids took the previous weekend to go to a bar mitzvah for one of his wife's cousins. The first night in the hotel was miserable for both of them for a combination of bad hotel experiences (most of us know what that can be like).
His wife announced the next morning, "I'm not staying here again. We're driving home tonight!" Jared was silent externally, while inwardly he thought, "That's insane, let's just find another hotel." Having responded to such declarations (err, orders, commands, edicts) by his wife in the past, and having been attacked for having a different opinion than hers, Jared stuffed his feelings and kept quiet.
That night, after a long day and being left alone with 3 exhausted little kids well past their bedtime, at a party he didn't really care to be at, Jared sent his wife a text asking where she was. When she didn't reply, he got angry.
Her mother was sitting nearby and offered to help him with the kids. While carrying the kids to the car, Jared stumbled upon his wife outside smoking with her cousins. She then got upset at him that he had decided to leave without talking to her. Fighting ensued, which ended (temporarily) with Jared loading the car to begin a 7-hour all-night drive back home at 9:30 at night.
For the next 2 hours they fought in the car with Jared apologizing repeatedly for getting angry, while his wife didn't apologize for anything (he says she's only apologized twice in their 9-year marriage), and him being called a "pussy" by her for making a scene in front of her mother.
So who do you think has the anger problem in this relationship? The truth is that they both do, but Jared is the only one in anger management class with me. And he willingly admits he gets too angry, but he's come to see me partly because his wife tells him he has anger issues and needs to get them fixed if she's going to stay married to him.
The first step for anyone in how to deal with anger in a relationship is to recognize how complicated understanding anger can be. Jared's marriage is a perfect example. It's not uncommon at all for both partners to struggle with anger, and often for justifiable reasons.
Another not so uncommon component of dealing with anger in relationships is that the anger can be a result of abuse in the relationship. Calling your husband a belittling name like "pussy" is marital verbal abuse. Sometimes anger comes out of feeling stuck and unable to stop abusive behavior like that. It can also be argued that the anger that comes as a response to being put down is abusive too.
I am not sharing Jared's story to blame his wife for his anger, because she's not to blame for it, he is, and the roles of who's attacking who can easily be, and often are, reversed. But, it's just vitally important that everyone be aware of, and take responsibility for, their part in influencing anger.
If you're searching to find out how to deal with anger in a relationship, start by thinking about the bigger picture beyond the angry behavior and the possible influences (not excuses) for it. In order to be successful at managing anger we have to address the whole picture -- the anger and what causes it.
Relationships aren’t just love, connection, and good times. Successful couples also need to be able to navigate difficult emotions. Two of the most challenging are anger and resentment.
Emotions are tricky things. They can flare up in an instant or slowly build over time, reshaping how we perceive ourselves and the people closest to us. Find out more.
Are you Married To An Angry Man? Find out from one wife’s real-life experience what it's like being Married To An Angry Man. See if Angry Men can change.
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Ive been in and out of a relationship for the better part of 5 years now. We both have been the cause as to why the relationship could ever remain consistent. Back in 2015 I was cheated on by my partner. I suppressed all my emotions because I have a daughter and I needed to remain strong. I forgave my partner in hopes that we could move on and live a fruitful life. You guessed, I took her back and we are trying again as of June 2016. The last 6-8 months have been very very tough. I find myself losing patience very quickly with her or our kids. Im getting very angry, very consistently. Im having trouble controlling my emotions and preventing myself from getting angry. How do I let go of the past so I can really live my life in happiness? Can I be fixed?
Jr, Yes, you can learn to improve your patience and lessen the anger. It usually takes working with a professional counselor like myself to learn the tools and changes you have to make to do this, but it is definitely doable. -Dr. Kurt
Ive been with this amazing girl for 4 years and we are engaged, before this relationship i had an abusive ex girlfriend and a rough childhood, i was in work the other day vacuuming a hotel floor and the wire got snagged in something, i pulled and pulled getting angrier everytime! I have a very short fuse so i ended up taking my frustration out on the vacuum and ripping it apart!i threw it at walls and kicked it down the hallway, that kind of anger has been with me all my life, what triggers it I THINK is people saying i am not capable of something or not trustworthy! I was suicidal before and i have extreme depression! I told my fiance about the incident and she told me i needed help and that she knows i have alot of anger in me, then when i came home she said she cannot cope anymore and that it was destroying our relationship, im so afraid im going to lose her and i dont want that because our relationship is amazing, that is of course when im not in a state of anger can anybody suggest anything?
Nathan, You've got anger and psychological problems that require the help of a professional counselor to learn how to manage. If you don't get help, you're going to continue to see destruction in your life (and not just to vacuums). Take it from somebody who's been that guy. -Dr. Kurt
Iv been with my boyfriend for a few months and we always seem to argue and lately it's been me really bad I seem getting angry and then threaten to leave and he does the same.. I love him soo much and I know he loves me too I sometimes think it's all my fault but then nothing I do seems to be right we will argue about something else and then he will pick one thing Iv said and argue about that.
I know I have alot of angry and I feel the reason I have so much anger is my mothers death she died Suddenly I didn't get any goodbyes nothing and I didn't mourn her death as I should of done I kept it in tried to be strong for the sake of my father and family
My father had a heart attack soon after. I know Iv kept my pain inside and it's caused me to get frustrated over tiny things get angry over small things.
Also another thing was I due to get married to my ex and then it all broke of so suddenly I left work told everyone I'm getting married looked for venues etc and all of a sudden no reason it just broke off
I have not been able to deal with this grief again Iv just kept it in no one asked about my feelings if I'm ok everyone just assumed it's over I'm fine I'm not fine my father was very hurt by this happening and I feel like it was all down to me.
My partner now is very lovely I need to control my anger but where do I start 🙁 please help
Sam, It's good to hear that you have an idea where some of your anger may be coming from. That's a good start. Now you need to find a professional counselor who can help you identify the other sources, then show you how to release the anger and how to use tools to manage it when it comes up in new circumstances like with your boyfriend. -Dr. Kurt