There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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When you married, you probably promised to love each other “from death ‘til we part.” At that moment, the idea that you might someday fall in love with someone else seemed impossible. But life has a way of throwing us curveballs.
If you’ve fallen in love with someone else when you’re married, you know that all too well.
Being married and falling in love with someone else is complicated, to say the least. It involves more emotions than seems reasonable – guilt, confusion, excitement, passion, and fear are among them.
What do you do?
Do you,
It can be overwhelming to try to figure out the best next steps for you, your family, and the new person you’ve fallen in love with.
In a situation like this, the best approach is to break things down into individual components and evaluate them as logically and honestly as possible.
So, let’s do just that by looking at the three main areas of consideration when you’re married but falling in love with someone else.
It generally starts innocently enough. You meet someone at work, a social event, or at one of your kid’s school functions, and you find yourself having great conversations and laughing together. Then you realize you’re looking for reasons to be near them and excited by the prospect of their company.
Before you know it, you’re in love – but not with the person to whom you’re married. Or, perhaps in addition to in some cases.
Most people who fall in love with someone other than their spouse have a similar story and claim, “It just happened.”
If this sounds familiar, you need to take a beat and ask yourself how you got here.
More often than not, falling in love with someone else when you’re married indicates a problem in your marriage. It may not be an obvious one, but there’s usually a reason you’re emotionally open to someone else.
To be clear, a problem in your marriage doesn’t always mean your marriage is unhappy.
Sometimes, it’s just circumstances that have created emotional gaps that leave you vulnerable.
These are all things that can create fissures in a once solid foundation.
Or, the new person who has your attention represents something your marriage is missing.
These are all common elements that partners who fall in love with someone outside the marriage claim are missing.
Ask yourself:
“What’s going on (or not going on) in my marriage that allowed me to be emotionally open to falling in love with someone else?”
Finding yourself falling in love with someone new, especially when you’re already married, is a recipe for emotional turmoil.
On the one hand, you probably feel guilty, ashamed, or just plain wrong.
Betraying your spouse, even if your problems seem insurmountable, doesn’t sit well with most people. If nothing else, it can make you question your own moral character.
On the other hand, the thrill of fresh, new love can leave you feeling desired, seen, and alive in a way that’s hard to ignore.
And don’t you deserve to be happy?
Isn’t this a “the heart wants what the heart wants” situation?
This tornado of emotions can make it very difficult to know the right path.
Now’s the time to take a step back and think about your commitment to your spouse. They deserve to be the primary consideration.
Ask yourself:
“Could these new feelings be an escape from all the heaviness of life or a challenging time in my marriage?
Falling in love with someone else while you’re married should be a wake-up call, particularly if you felt happy before.
So, while these feelings don’t necessarily mean your marriage is broken beyond repair, they mean you need to re-evaluate that relationship. Clearly something’s off or you wouldn’t be here.
Ask yourself:
After breaking things down and looking at them with greater focus, the next step is deciding what to do.
Every situation is unique, but there are generally three possible paths.
If you truly feel your marriage can’t be repaired, and your feelings for the new person are real and strong, you may be tempted to end one relationship and pursue the other.
It should be noted that this isn’t an easy path and most often fails because of the many complications associated with ending a marriage – particularly in this manner.
If this is your choice, it would be wise to seek divorce counseling and put the other relationship on pause for as long as possible while you settle things with your spouse.
In the case of a marriage that has truly come to an end, your best option is to end both relationships and work on healing yourself and dealing with all the unexpected emotions and complications that come with divorce.
If the pull toward the new person is real, the only way to be fair to them and give that person the best of you is to take time to reset and be truly ready.
If, after reflection, you can see that your feelings for the new person are partly situational and stem from dissatisfaction in some aspect of your marriage, it’s time to take action.
This means having an open and honest conversation with your spouse about how you each feel, trying to rebuild the connection, and recommitting to your marriage.
Marriage counseling is also an excellent idea to ensure you each invest in rebuilding your relationship the right way.
Dr. Kurt works with couples daily that face this predicament. According to him,
People seek my help with this problem all the time. It's extremely common to be married and develop feelings for someone else. Sometimes it hasn't become a full-fledged affair and other times it has. Regardless, the feelings are intense and the thoughts about what to do can become paralyzing. The biggest mistake people make when they've fallen in love with someone else while still married is to think they've got only two choices – choose one or the other. Which typically translates – stay married and miserable or leave and be intoxicated forever. Fortunately, there are other ways to change things than leave."
Falling in love with someone else while you’re married is a complex and emotional situation.
Resolving things requires self-awareness, honesty, and a willingness to make changes. What those changes are will depend on you.
No matter what your choice is, you need to remember,
When you’re married and you fall in love with someone else, it can feel like you’ve failed or that something is too broken in your marriage to be fixed. Neither of these things has to be true. With the right focus and effort, repairing and rebuilding your marriage is always possible.
No, falling in love with someone else while you’re married is a symptom of problems in your marriage that need to be addressed. With the right commitment and effort your marriage doesn’t have to be over, but it will take work to get back to a healthy and happy marital state.
Deciding what to do when you’re married and in love with someone else requires taking a step back and objectively evaluating your marriage and the feelings you have for both your spouse and the new person. Making major life changes based on feelings that may be temporary or exist as a form of escape from problems can cause significant heartache and unhappiness.
Fixing your marriage if you’ve fallen in love with someone else requires recommitting to your marriage and being willing to do the needed work. This means better communication, honesty about your feelings, and likely counseling.
Breaking your situation down into smaller pieces and evaluating them as clearly and honestly as possible is the best place to start when you’re married and fall in love with someone else.
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A great read with sensible advice. Unfortunately I think it takes maturity to reflect and do the work needed to save a marriage from a whim of ‘that’s it I’m out, I deserve better’ to then discovering a year later (or less) ‘oh dear’. In the meantime lives are destroyed.