Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
We all can say things that hurt someone else. Intentional or by accident, it's easy for our words to hurt. But when there's a pattern of hurtful words within a relationship, especially in a marriage, it's time to start thinking about how to deal with verbal abuse in marriage.
Sadly, verbal abuse in marriage isn't that uncommon. A man I was counseling yesterday was describing the mean, cruel, hurtful words his wife regularly says to him. And, unfortunately, he does the same back to her.
Anyone can spot verbal abuse in a marriage if they know what to look for, but when you're in the middle of such a relationship it can be much harder to see. In abusive relationships the hurt gets twisted around and mixed up with love. And the unloving words aren't seen for what they really are -- unloving.
Let's begin to learn how to deal with verbal abuse in marriage by taking a look at this post from our social media page asking, is love supposed to hurt?
The husband and wife I described above ridicule, humiliate, and put each other down over past events, their sexual relationship (even prior sexual partners), and the kind of person they think the other one is (learn more examples of verbal abuse). They claim to love each other, but their words often don't prove it. There's clearly is a marriage with verbal abuse. Is your relationship verbally abusive?
Here are a couple of important truths about love and relationships from this Google+ post:
Love is NOT supposed to hurt us, at least someone who says they love us is not supposed to hurt us, not intentionally, not repeatedly, not without stopping or learning to change. . .
Love can make us crazy. Crazy enough to mix up love and hurt. It's crazy to love someone who hurts us. It's even crazier to believe the lies that they're sorry when they do it again and again, that they don't mean it, that it's our fault . . ."
So how do we allow ourselves to get love and hurt so mixed-up?
The answer to 'why' we do this is much more complicated. And fortunately you don't have to know the answers to 'why' to get the first and most important part right -- it's crazy to think that someone who hurts you, loves you.
If you want to know how to deal with verbal abuse in marriage, you need to start here: repeat this mantra to yourself several times every day, and especially after your partner hurts you with their words -- "It's crazy to think that someone who hurts you, loves you."
Until you accept this truth to the point that you have the courage to change yourself and your life, nothing else really matters. How to deal with verbal abuse in marriage is the same as what to do when you're stuck in quicksand -- you need the help of someone else to get out. When you're really ready to change, get the help of a relationship expert to learn how (P.S. - It will be one of the best decisions you ever make. Trust me - I know).
Did this post help you? Could it help someone you know? Feel free to pass it along. You can read more about abusive relationships in the drop down list at the tip of this page. You can also get notified each time there's new post by signing-up at the bottom as well, or follow me on Facebook or Twitter where I post weekly relationship and self-improvement tips just like this.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
Want to know what Abusive Women are really like? Take a look at 7 behaviors used by Women who are Abusive. Read quotes from Women who Abuse and partners.
No one gets into a relationship expecting to be controlled by their partner.
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Dee, You're definitely in an abusive marriage and you need to find some professional help. I know it can be a challenge to find a good marriage counselor, but I'm not sure why "for our age that would understand." I understand your age and situation. -Kurt
Hi Dee, another Dee here. We have very similar situations. My husband also puts himself first and has always taken advantage of my generosity with money, letting him use my credit card for things he wanted. Now, when my business is not doing well, he says that he works hard for "his" money and continues spending it on toys (like action figures and comics) and clothes, even though our kids are constantly told they can't have something or participate in an activity because we don't have the money. We could manage to do better for our kids, but he would rather have his toys.
I am lost and the emotions of Anger, Fear, Frustration, Grief and Sadness are around me 24/7 and have been for 14 days. My wife kicked me out because I finally broke. I have 2 step kids and I have my wife. 16YO Boy and 18YO Girl. They walked all over me and my wife allowed them. My wife would loose her temper for the slightest moan I made. We lost everything earlier this year but i picked us up. After all I have tried to do over 5 years I finally cracked over a matter that she did and I was upset. I boilled for 4 days and then broke with the harshest words and blew into a rage and hit my wife. I got kicked out. I hate myself for everything. I took responsibility and went for help. Still my wife has failed to address out issues. I am lost. Am I the bully? It takes 2 to upset a relationship.
JP, I'm glad you took responsibility for your behavior and are seeking help for it. Later on, once you have your anger issue under control, then maybe seek out marriage counseling. If she won't go with you, you can still go on your own. -Kurt
My situation is much like all of the ones noted. My husband is a verbally abusive, mean, wicked and a bully which I believe is the result of how his parents treated him coming up telling him he was nothing and would never be nothing so he thinks he can transfer it over to me. In addition to that I am more successful and more respected in our family and circle of people. For 10yrs I have put up with his crap. I have allowed his behavior towards me change me to being more vocal and not afraid to fight back to protect myself from anyone. He made a baby with another woman after being married for one year, which he denied for 5 yrs until a DNA was ordered because the Sheriff served papers. Of course he blames me. He worked out state at one time and met a woman which he moved back to our town in an apartment literally two blocks from me. He opened joint accounts with the woman and used my address to further hurt me. He texted me a sex video of him and another woman in our bed, he's called other women in my face to say I'm crazy and he shoulda left me. He has called me every name you can imagine. He had tried to turn me against my family. He has no relationship with any of his 6 children, which none are mine. They literally hate they share the same air that he breathes and has said they hate him! His parents have had him arrested which he served 18 months in prison and he has a deep rooted bitterness towards them but he has been abusing them since he was a child, from what I was told by other relatives. It is unimaginable to me how good I have been to him that I get the treatment from him that I get. He use to get hot breakfast, lunch, snacks and evening lunch before heading home to eat dinner. I stopped all of that about 1 month ago and I separated my finances and refuse to help him in anyway. He has all the answers in how to fix me but feels he only had minor issues. I opened my home to him and his kids, helped him with getting his own car and just building him up. In the last couple of years he refuses to acknowledge our anniversary, my birthday, valentines and any other holiday that would mean acknowledging me. It has taken me a while to file for divorce. I have listened to people tell me just pray, God will heal your marriage. I think God wants me outta this cause I am literally about to lose my mind. Sometimes the things that he accuse me of has caused me to feel like I'm being driven crazy. I am afraid that when I'm alone after hearing all the stuff he says to that when I'm screaming uncontrollably and grasping for air I could be inviting health risk into my life. If you have never been through this you will never know how cutting the words and put downs really affects a person. I really wanted God to heal this but I think he has another plan. I realize that he is nothing and is jealous of me and I must get myself outta this very toxic situation. He is always threatening me about creating embarrassing moments in front of people towards me, to stupid to see he would be making a complete azz of himself. No one in the world can make me believe that this is what God had for me. I've never tolerated this in the past and I'm confused why I have waited for a different outcome from God that it would get better when all the long the outcome was to leave. I am feeling a sigh of relief knowing that within a matter of 45 days I will be rid of this trash and hope that the next person in his life read the warning sign before saying I Do.
I too have a controlling wife. Over the last 30 years (of 57 we have been married) she has become the controller. First by separate rooms and no intimacy now in retirement she is controlling everything. This slipped up on me and I did not see the signs. She is covertly abusive. Now I'm mostly dependent on her but I don't like it. LH 76