You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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Contents
Part 2 of 2
One of the most painful experiences for a woman is when he doesn’t love you back.
Unreciprocated love leaves you feeling lonely, hurt, and resentful. It can also make you feel silly for loving him in the first place and think maybe you should stop.
But we all need love, and while most of us can love for a while without getting love back, we can’t do it forever. Living too long like that will cause both people to suffer.
So, what can you do when he doesn't love you back?
In the first article, He Doesn't Love Me, we looked at some excerpts from my Google Hangout, Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You. Some were very illuminating.
Let's look at some others to see what we can learn about what to do when he doesn't love you back.
When looking at the responses from couples in this situation, the partner who isn’t feeling any love often has a passive-aggressive attitude.
It can be a struggle to know how to address what’s clearly become a problem, and so it festers allowing resentment and anger to build
Although they should, partners rarely go to the other and say,
I'm not feeling like this relationship is meeting my needs and we need to make some changes."
Instead, they let things fumble along, allowing problems to go unaddressed and negative feelings to continue to grow. This just seems easier than facing an uncomfortable and difficult conversation.
So, instead of telling you the painful truth when he doesn't love you, he avoids it.
However, when people fail to address the difficult issues they often end up doing the things I mentioned in the previous article and often look for love outside the relationship.
Avoiding issues that we anticipate will create conflict is extremely common. But doing this often leads to passive aggressive responses because the problem is still present, unresolved, and fueling negative feelings.
Before we talk about what you should do when you feel he doesn’t love you back, let’s address what you should NOT do.
First, don’t ignore what’s happening within your relationship.
Putting your head in the sand won’t make issues get better or go away. In fact, it most likely will make them much worse.
When love has faded from a relationship, whether it’s one-sided or on the part of both partners, there are always signs.
Waiting too long to respond to them makes conversations about what’s happening even more painful and difficult. If you deal with things as they present themselves then the small problems may never become big ones.
Second, don’t seek love and comfort from someone else.
As I mentioned earlier, living in a relationship without love makes temptations more appealing and what’s worse - justifiable.
Betraying your partner with someone else is never justified, no matter how "Out-of-Love" you feel.
Once you’ve stepped outside your relationship and initiated an affair – physical or emotional – you’ve opened a whole new world of problems. There’s nothing about this that will make things better, and no explanation that will make your partner say, “Oh, it’s okay then.”
One of the keys to dealing with this is actually being really direct about addressing the problem. Many aren’t comfortable doing that. They don't know how to communicate well, and need someone like me to teach them how.
Communication in a relationship needs constant practice. Most couples don’t realize this and fall into the trap of assuming their partner just knows or understands certain things.
Being together for years doesn’t make your partner a mind reader.
They can’t truly know what’s on your mind or how you feel unless you tell them. The biggest contributor to relationship problems of all kinds is a lack of basic communication.
A common phrase I hear from a lot of guys is that they "love their partner," but they're "not in love" and that the love is gone. The distinction people make between "loving" versus "being in love" is often at play when someone is feeling that they're not being loved back.
What many people don’t understand is that love changes over time.
Couples or individual partners often get scared when the initial passion felt in the beginning starts to fade. They start to believe that the love is simply gone.
What good communication and effort can show is that it’s not. Couples who’ve been together for a long time will tell you those passionate feelings often come back.
Life is complicated and hard. The absence of that star-struck feeling doesn’t have to mean things have gone bad. It may just mean as a couple (or individual) your focus is on something else right now.
That being said, there will also be times when your husband simply doesn’t love you back. The good news, however, is that it doesn’t have to stay that way.
One of the reasons you may feel he doesn't love you back is because he doesn't love you in the same way he used to.
When a man tells me, "I love her, but I'm not in love with her," his partner often feels he doesn't love her at all.
Love is something that isn’t just words.
A lot of people misinterpret this or misunderstand this. Love is an action. It's a behavior. It's something that we need to be actively doing and when we’re not, that's what contributes to growing apart. Typical responses from the person who's feeling in love with someone who doesn't love them back can be problematic because it becomes something that's considered normal.
Unfortunately, over time that enabling and acceptance allows the things I mentioned earlier, like an affair to happen. Often people will minimize and excuse behaviors that they shouldn't.
People don't just land in unloving relationships. They allow once loving relationships to grow into an unloving one.
So, if you find yourself in a relationship with someone you don’t feel loves you back, here are some suggestions:
The love may be fading, or perhaps your partner is distracted by something else and has no idea how his distraction is being perceived.
Regardless, voicing your concern starts a conversation. Remember, he’s not a mind reader.
Bringing back some of the things that existed when you were happy can help reframe things and reinitiate some of the original feelings.
Being bored in your relationship can be mistaken for lack of love. Shaking things up with new activities and new approaches to things can sometimes breathe life back into your relationship.
Being direct with your partner when there's a disconnect is crucial. If you’re not feeling like you’re getting the love you need in the relationship, you must address that with him.
A lot of women don't do this out of fear of the response.
Or, even worse,
Will he confirm my worst fears and tell me he really doesn’t love me?
Not addressing it, however, won’t solve anything.
In fact, avoiding difficult topics will contribute further to the breakdown of the relationship.
Feeling he doesn't love you back is very painful. But the key to change starts with honesty – with both yourself and your partner.
Remember, you didn't start out in an unloving relationship – you both allowed your relationship to become one. Take responsibility for that and you'll take the first step toward getting the love back that you want and deserve.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on September 29, 2013, updated on September 4, 2018 and May 24, 2022. It’s been further updated for additional accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
Is your spouse Emotionally Detached from you and your marriage? Check out these 7 Signs of Emotional Detachment and see where your relationship stands.
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My husband and I are coming up on our 2 year marriage anniversary.
When we first met it was incredible. We couldn't get enough of each other.
Now it's completely different.
I told him from day one that I am an extremely sexual person. Still am.
Our sex life is dwindling fast and I'm not sure what to do.
I love him so much and he doesn't seem to care.
He goes out with friends and family and seems to have more time for everyone else but myself.
When I try to communicate this to him he gets angry and tells me I'm being weird of freaking out.
So then I try to show him extra love and intimacy, emotionally and physically. He doesn't seem to notice or care until I finally get fed up with being so sexually frustrated in bed that I sleep on the chair beside our bed. Then he demands that I return to bed. I say "for what" and he doesn't have anything to say. He just repeats himself.
I'm currently living with him and his parents. Which I'm sure you inderstand can put a toll on our relationship.
Not sure what to do.
I'm not ready to quit this marriage. I need to figure out how to communicate all of this to him without hurting him and myself in the process.
I feel lonely and depressed.
My husband is the most beautiful and wonderful man I've ever met but he has fallen out of love with me. We met eight years ago and were married almost five years ago. His ex wife still has a thing for him and texts me constantly. She claims that he is still contacting her and to be honest I'm not sure. About a year ago he stopped all affection. No kisses, hugs, snuggling. I don't know what to do. I love him so very much.
Dana, Have you asked your husband about it? If not, give that a try. Have you suggested counseling? A professional counselor can help in figuring out what's going on. In the meantime, read the other articles in the Love Is Gone section for some ideas and suggestions of things you can try. -Kurt
I have been married for 22 years my husband has been addicted to porn for what seems for ever. 5 years ago he started attending strip clubs made a friend with a stripper that was using him for money he bought her a ring and asked for her hand in marriage she called the cops got a restraining order. I knew nothing of what was going on because I trusted and loved him. Our child was playing on his phone one day and came upon nude photos and said mom I'm sorry but dad is gross I took the phone and started uncovering all his deception. Because I trust in what the Lord has promised me i sat my husband down and asked him why. His response to me was I want to feel someone skinny tight and firm. He said I'm not into your body it grosses me out. My thought in my mind was I can't believe this is coming from someone who is twice as big. I then asked so you don't love me and we need a divorce. He says no I will do what it takes not to lose you. I trusted those words. 1 week later he was add it again. He kept on and on that he ended up with an std from a prostitute. Comes home and tells me to help him cause he is in so much pain. Imagine how I'm feeling I take him to the doctor I run around getting him his medicine. Take him to specialist then I say I'm sorry but I can't stay I want a divorce I still love him but understand that he doesn't feel the same. He cries and begs me to stay. He tells me that he will do the marriage counseling that the church offers. 4 months later is at it again. I as a Christian women have done and been there for this man through good and bad. I became ill with cancer and this was his response to me take care of it your f self i did exactly that. He does all these things why oh why is he so afraid to tell me he doesn't love me when with his actions he speaks loud enough. I can honestly say I love him but not like a wife Loves her husband. I finally let him go. Never understood why he couldn't let me go. If he was so unhappy.
Kurt, id love to have couples counselling, I've suggested it since we started to fight about seven years ago after a year in our relationship. He always says he doesn't need it and only I need it and that any counsellor will agree with him that I'm the one with the problem so why pay someone to say exactly what he has already said to me. He says he loves me, but why is this so hard? I'm pretty fair and I always say that everyone has room for improvement and that counselling would tell us how and where we can both improve and his response is that there's nothing for him to improve upon.
Taylor, One reason why going to counseling is so hard for men is because it requires admitting you don't know everything and could improve some things. Both of these violate the rules of masculinity that men learned growing up of needing to be strong and capable. But actually it takes courage to do those things, which is a characteristic of masculinity. There's likely even more to it than this for him. Go to couples counseling without him. I do couples counseling all the time with only one person and you'd be surprised by the results that are still possible. -Dr. Kurt
I am married for 16 years now and have 2 kids.My husband admitted that he has an affair with our officemate. He said he loved the girl because she sees in her the characteristics, the care and the love that i was not giving him for a long time. I love mu husband gal and i don’t know that i had neglected to show my affected fir that long maybe because i was busy with my job and taking care of my kids. My husband claims that he loves his kids too much so he agrees to stay in our marriag despite his claim that she loves that girl and confused if he still loves me. We’re still living together doing what normally couples do but i noticed that my previously affectionate, witty and loving husband is gone. He tells me that he is just thinking things but i know he is not happy with me anymore. It’s breaking my heart gals. What should i do? How would i cope with this situation?