You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
6 Min Read
Contents
Part 2 of 2
One of the most painful experiences for a woman is when he doesn’t love you back.
Unreciprocated love leaves you feeling lonely, hurt, and resentful. It can also make you feel silly for loving him in the first place and think maybe you should stop.
But we all need love, and while most of us can love for a while without getting love back, we can’t do it forever. Living too long like that will cause both people to suffer.
So, what can you do when he doesn't love you back?
In the first article, He Doesn't Love Me, we looked at some excerpts from my Google Hangout, Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You. Some were very illuminating.
Let's look at some others to see what we can learn about what to do when he doesn't love you back.
When looking at the responses from couples in this situation, the partner who isn’t feeling any love often has a passive-aggressive attitude.
It can be a struggle to know how to address what’s clearly become a problem, and so it festers allowing resentment and anger to build
Although they should, partners rarely go to the other and say,
I'm not feeling like this relationship is meeting my needs and we need to make some changes."
Instead, they let things fumble along, allowing problems to go unaddressed and negative feelings to continue to grow. This just seems easier than facing an uncomfortable and difficult conversation.
So, instead of telling you the painful truth when he doesn't love you, he avoids it.
However, when people fail to address the difficult issues they often end up doing the things I mentioned in the previous article and often look for love outside the relationship.
Avoiding issues that we anticipate will create conflict is extremely common. But doing this often leads to passive aggressive responses because the problem is still present, unresolved, and fueling negative feelings.
Before we talk about what you should do when you feel he doesn’t love you back, let’s address what you should NOT do.
First, don’t ignore what’s happening within your relationship.
Putting your head in the sand won’t make issues get better or go away. In fact, it most likely will make them much worse.
When love has faded from a relationship, whether it’s one-sided or on the part of both partners, there are always signs.
Waiting too long to respond to them makes conversations about what’s happening even more painful and difficult. If you deal with things as they present themselves then the small problems may never become big ones.
Second, don’t seek love and comfort from someone else.
As I mentioned earlier, living in a relationship without love makes temptations more appealing and what’s worse - justifiable.
Betraying your partner with someone else is never justified, no matter how "Out-of-Love" you feel.
Once you’ve stepped outside your relationship and initiated an affair – physical or emotional – you’ve opened a whole new world of problems. There’s nothing about this that will make things better, and no explanation that will make your partner say, “Oh, it’s okay then.”
One of the keys to dealing with this is actually being really direct about addressing the problem. Many aren’t comfortable doing that. They don't know how to communicate well, and need someone like me to teach them how.
Communication in a relationship needs constant practice. Most couples don’t realize this and fall into the trap of assuming their partner just knows or understands certain things.
Being together for years doesn’t make your partner a mind reader.
They can’t truly know what’s on your mind or how you feel unless you tell them. The biggest contributor to relationship problems of all kinds is a lack of basic communication.
A common phrase I hear from a lot of guys is that they "love their partner," but they're "not in love" and that the love is gone. The distinction people make between "loving" versus "being in love" is often at play when someone is feeling that they're not being loved back.
What many people don’t understand is that love changes over time.
Couples or individual partners often get scared when the initial passion felt in the beginning starts to fade. They start to believe that the love is simply gone.
What good communication and effort can show is that it’s not. Couples who’ve been together for a long time will tell you those passionate feelings often come back.
Life is complicated and hard. The absence of that star-struck feeling doesn’t have to mean things have gone bad. It may just mean as a couple (or individual) your focus is on something else right now.
That being said, there will also be times when your husband simply doesn’t love you back. The good news, however, is that it doesn’t have to stay that way.
One of the reasons you may feel he doesn't love you back is because he doesn't love you in the same way he used to.
When a man tells me, "I love her, but I'm not in love with her," his partner often feels he doesn't love her at all.
Love is something that isn’t just words.
A lot of people misinterpret this or misunderstand this. Love is an action. It's a behavior. It's something that we need to be actively doing and when we’re not, that's what contributes to growing apart. Typical responses from the person who's feeling in love with someone who doesn't love them back can be problematic because it becomes something that's considered normal.
Unfortunately, over time that enabling and acceptance allows the things I mentioned earlier, like an affair to happen. Often people will minimize and excuse behaviors that they shouldn't.
People don't just land in unloving relationships. They allow once loving relationships to grow into an unloving one.
So, if you find yourself in a relationship with someone you don’t feel loves you back, here are some suggestions:
The love may be fading, or perhaps your partner is distracted by something else and has no idea how his distraction is being perceived.
Regardless, voicing your concern starts a conversation. Remember, he’s not a mind reader.
Bringing back some of the things that existed when you were happy can help reframe things and reinitiate some of the original feelings.
Being bored in your relationship can be mistaken for lack of love. Shaking things up with new activities and new approaches to things can sometimes breathe life back into your relationship.
Being direct with your partner when there's a disconnect is crucial. If you’re not feeling like you’re getting the love you need in the relationship, you must address that with him.
A lot of women don't do this out of fear of the response.
Or, even worse,
Will he confirm my worst fears and tell me he really doesn’t love me?
Not addressing it, however, won’t solve anything.
In fact, avoiding difficult topics will contribute further to the breakdown of the relationship.
Feeling he doesn't love you back is very painful. But the key to change starts with honesty – with both yourself and your partner.
Remember, you didn't start out in an unloving relationship – you both allowed your relationship to become one. Take responsibility for that and you'll take the first step toward getting the love back that you want and deserve.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on September 29, 2013, updated on September 4, 2018 and May 24, 2022. It’s been further updated for additional accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
Is your spouse Emotionally Detached from you and your marriage? Check out these 7 Signs of Emotional Detachment and see where your relationship stands.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
I apologize for my rush to rant. You have been gracious. I just am so discouraged by what I have been reading about men falling out of love after a short time being married. I feel a sense of duty as a strong, wise woman, to warn some other women that there is a strong possibility that their husbands, will grow bored with them and begin fantasizing about being free and sleeping with other women. Generally, women keep the fairytale feeling to stay with them. Women even go as far as to identify their husbands as "my wonderful husband", all while the man is dreaming of what he could be doing as a single man. 🙂
Mick, you know I'm telling the truth. I am one of few women who are keenly aware of what goes on in a man's heart and mind. I see it with so many women friends, their relatives, women they know, women I read articles from, and women all around.
Thank you for your reply, Jean. And what you say about women 'keeping the fairytale feeling' actually applies to me - I'm such a romantic bloke! But I've had some bad experiences with women messing me about, as well as my ex-wife being a chronic alcoholic. And yet, I still look on the bright side and have hope in my heart. I still hope to settle down again one day, with someone who feels the same way I do. It cuts both ways, you know.
I can realy understand what some of you are saying about pown movies-my husband got so into these moves when I was not home-but he took it a little futher then most and had oral sex with the next door neighbor he has confess about it all after he got in trouble about it and I found out-yes we are still together but in a sexless marriage and no affection--later on after all of this he found out he had blocked artires then a enlarge prostate and had surgey to reduce the size of his prostate-he also has copd and will not stoping smoking-and he does not want to see a therpy-i get so drepressd I would to leave hin and never look back but the sad part is I still love hin-help please if u can Jay
when you cant get husband to do anything with you for over 10 years he won't give any anwers why
Deborah, Talking to a professional counselor might help you get some possible answers why since your husband won't tell you. -Kurt
I took a quiz and my husband answers are close to mine. I looked up signs he didn't love me, I accept it. I'm a good women I've lost my confidence . My ability to laugh and feel sexy with him. I've lost rationality and positive hopes he actually cares. Our marriage is new and it was full blast excitement. He didn't cheat! He would never but if it would help me let him go I'd rather him do that then leave me back here feeling less then good enough. I'm done trying to be his all I've faded now that he only gives me negative feed back never positive. I failed and feel ill never be the wife I need to be. I'll never give up on trying but to live miserably failing all the time. Shows even when it's good he shows no ecknowledgement but you better believe when I speak up that I'm the one who is disrespectful. I give him compliments smiles and praise. Never that back in return. I love sex and love to be playful but that is something he never needs and is to busy to be playful back and enjoy. It's obvious he enjoys it when we do finally attack however I'm not as excited as I want to be when we do have sex. Im honest on how I feel and he takes all my honesty and sees it as ripping him apart. If I say when you never praise me it breaks me apart or never reassures me I'm good enough for you, all he hears is so I suck as a husband and I don't treat you right. The man has had me pull my hair out litter ally scratch myself in frustration . He seems so emotionaless and hurtful but that's not him at all he's a great father who by the way I bare non of his children, he's a Awsome friend and employee . He's treated me kind and does everything for me but when it comes to attaching and confiding or communicating im left alone I moved from home and never see my family so I could be here with him and his kids because after married he is now my family. And my parents brothers friends or other relatives are back burner because my husband and my priority a are first . However when we fight he confides in his kids and leaves me alone never had time to talk . And refuses too find time to help me in this time I need him . I'm so lost. I've explained till I'm blue in the face that I love him and want this to work . He says he may not be the man I thought he was and I hate it when he says that. I ask him if he wants me to leave he says no! But who am I if I'm alone? Depressed and no long feel beautiful and unique .
Alisha i am in the same boat. Everythubg u said summed it up for me. I am so so worried about my marriage. I feel like he doesnt love me much less like me anymore. But he wont leave bc he is our sons hero. I don't know who i am really. Besides a failure. And a woman who loves her hisband but whose husband DOESNT love ❤ her back...