You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
6 Min Read
Contents
Part 2 of 2
One of the most painful experiences for a woman is when he doesn’t love you back.
Unreciprocated love leaves you feeling lonely, hurt, and resentful. It can also make you feel silly for loving him in the first place and think maybe you should stop.
But we all need love, and while most of us can love for a while without getting love back, we can’t do it forever. Living too long like that will cause both people to suffer.
So, what can you do when he doesn't love you back?
In the first article, He Doesn't Love Me, we looked at some excerpts from my Google Hangout, Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You. Some were very illuminating.
Let's look at some others to see what we can learn about what to do when he doesn't love you back.
When looking at the responses from couples in this situation, the partner who isn’t feeling any love often has a passive-aggressive attitude.
It can be a struggle to know how to address what’s clearly become a problem, and so it festers allowing resentment and anger to build
Although they should, partners rarely go to the other and say,
I'm not feeling like this relationship is meeting my needs and we need to make some changes."
Instead, they let things fumble along, allowing problems to go unaddressed and negative feelings to continue to grow. This just seems easier than facing an uncomfortable and difficult conversation.
So, instead of telling you the painful truth when he doesn't love you, he avoids it.
However, when people fail to address the difficult issues they often end up doing the things I mentioned in the previous article and often look for love outside the relationship.
Avoiding issues that we anticipate will create conflict is extremely common. But doing this often leads to passive aggressive responses because the problem is still present, unresolved, and fueling negative feelings.
Before we talk about what you should do when you feel he doesn’t love you back, let’s address what you should NOT do.
First, don’t ignore what’s happening within your relationship.
Putting your head in the sand won’t make issues get better or go away. In fact, it most likely will make them much worse.
When love has faded from a relationship, whether it’s one-sided or on the part of both partners, there are always signs.
Waiting too long to respond to them makes conversations about what’s happening even more painful and difficult. If you deal with things as they present themselves then the small problems may never become big ones.
Second, don’t seek love and comfort from someone else.
As I mentioned earlier, living in a relationship without love makes temptations more appealing and what’s worse - justifiable.
Betraying your partner with someone else is never justified, no matter how "Out-of-Love" you feel.
Once you’ve stepped outside your relationship and initiated an affair – physical or emotional – you’ve opened a whole new world of problems. There’s nothing about this that will make things better, and no explanation that will make your partner say, “Oh, it’s okay then.”
One of the keys to dealing with this is actually being really direct about addressing the problem. Many aren’t comfortable doing that. They don't know how to communicate well, and need someone like me to teach them how.
Communication in a relationship needs constant practice. Most couples don’t realize this and fall into the trap of assuming their partner just knows or understands certain things.
Being together for years doesn’t make your partner a mind reader.
They can’t truly know what’s on your mind or how you feel unless you tell them. The biggest contributor to relationship problems of all kinds is a lack of basic communication.
A common phrase I hear from a lot of guys is that they "love their partner," but they're "not in love" and that the love is gone. The distinction people make between "loving" versus "being in love" is often at play when someone is feeling that they're not being loved back.
What many people don’t understand is that love changes over time.
Couples or individual partners often get scared when the initial passion felt in the beginning starts to fade. They start to believe that the love is simply gone.
What good communication and effort can show is that it’s not. Couples who’ve been together for a long time will tell you those passionate feelings often come back.
Life is complicated and hard. The absence of that star-struck feeling doesn’t have to mean things have gone bad. It may just mean as a couple (or individual) your focus is on something else right now.
That being said, there will also be times when your husband simply doesn’t love you back. The good news, however, is that it doesn’t have to stay that way.
One of the reasons you may feel he doesn't love you back is because he doesn't love you in the same way he used to.
When a man tells me, "I love her, but I'm not in love with her," his partner often feels he doesn't love her at all.
Love is something that isn’t just words.
A lot of people misinterpret this or misunderstand this. Love is an action. It's a behavior. It's something that we need to be actively doing and when we’re not, that's what contributes to growing apart. Typical responses from the person who's feeling in love with someone who doesn't love them back can be problematic because it becomes something that's considered normal.
Unfortunately, over time that enabling and acceptance allows the things I mentioned earlier, like an affair to happen. Often people will minimize and excuse behaviors that they shouldn't.
People don't just land in unloving relationships. They allow once loving relationships to grow into an unloving one.
So, if you find yourself in a relationship with someone you don’t feel loves you back, here are some suggestions:
The love may be fading, or perhaps your partner is distracted by something else and has no idea how his distraction is being perceived.
Regardless, voicing your concern starts a conversation. Remember, he’s not a mind reader.
Bringing back some of the things that existed when you were happy can help reframe things and reinitiate some of the original feelings.
Being bored in your relationship can be mistaken for lack of love. Shaking things up with new activities and new approaches to things can sometimes breathe life back into your relationship.
Being direct with your partner when there's a disconnect is crucial. If you’re not feeling like you’re getting the love you need in the relationship, you must address that with him.
A lot of women don't do this out of fear of the response.
Or, even worse,
Will he confirm my worst fears and tell me he really doesn’t love me?
Not addressing it, however, won’t solve anything.
In fact, avoiding difficult topics will contribute further to the breakdown of the relationship.
Feeling he doesn't love you back is very painful. But the key to change starts with honesty – with both yourself and your partner.
Remember, you didn't start out in an unloving relationship – you both allowed your relationship to become one. Take responsibility for that and you'll take the first step toward getting the love back that you want and deserve.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on September 29, 2013, updated on September 4, 2018 and May 24, 2022. It’s been further updated for additional accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
Is your spouse Emotionally Detached from you and your marriage? Check out these 7 Signs of Emotional Detachment and see where your relationship stands.
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Well, he was being abusive and hitting her - sorry, I should have said. And she was hoping to get a Divorce, so that throws a different light on things I hope.
Women out there who read here, please protect yourselves and do not lose yourself for any man. Do not let yourself fall so deeply in love with any man. It is obvious and has been proven time and time again, that your man will eventually stop loving you so deeply and some even fall out of love with their woman. Protect yourselves women and don't get angry at me for telling you what I have seen.
Jean, If we were so strong we probably wouldn't fall in love so deep. But I hate it that I love my husband so much but he doesn't love me the same way. I wish I was strong.
I feel the same way...
A bit on the cynical side and a rash generalisation, IMHO. Real and proper Love is the most fantastic thing on Earth, and to lose yourself can be incredible! As long as no-one else gets hurt, and no families get broken as a result, then go for it.
Mick,
You are absolutely incorrect in your labeling of me. Please do not label me, as I have not labeled you. You can disagree, but please be mature and leave off the personal attacks. OHHHHH, I forgot, it proves my point. Men have just got to label women who speak up, has a voice, and gives her opinion about how men hurt women.
Now, about the "lose your self" comment. You know, that men do not lose themselves over women, looking at their women all goo-goo eyed, as women do.
Why don't you spend some of your time critiquing men and telling them how cynical their comments are against women. You brave enough to do the right thing and work on men with their many faults?Are you a coward who only labels women?
Man up!
I came to stay with my mother we lost my sister in December. I came to help her do some things around the house and also spend time with her but my boyfriend of 7 years started accusing me of going out with someone else and I haven't been back in 7 months now he says he doesn't want me. I have asked him to just tell me or txt me that he doesn't love, want or need me so many times and he wont do it. He says he is putting my things in storage. And says that there is not anyone else. I just want to understand if he doesn't love want or need me why can he not express this. if I could just hear or read it that would make it real and I could go on and maybe find someone right now I don't want anyone but him. 7 years and I still love him. I am so confused please tell me your opinion?
Tammy, You say he told you he doesn't want you, but then you asked to tell you or text you that again? It can be hard to maintain a long distance relationship and work on issues. Read the other articles in the Love Is Gone section for some ideas and suggestions about what you can do. - Dr. Kurt
Well, Jean, now who's being personal? I was voicing my opinion, not making a personal attack on you or labelling you! You seem to have a rather negative view of men, if I may say so. I have 'lost' myself over a woman, so what you say is incorrect. It's not a question of being 'brave' or 'coward', but your comments betray your bad experiences. I'm a decent bloke, and always treat women with respect, so you're having a go at the wrong person.