There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
6 Min Read
Contents
Part 2 of 2
I frequently get asked by women, why men cheat. Some questions are both simple and hard to answer – why do men cheat is one of them.
The wife of a cheating man recently asked me to help her understand why men cheat in greater depth. I've answered her 'how' questions in the previous post, How Do Men Cheat.
Now, allow me to provide some answers to her 'why' questions. For perspective, here's part of her original request:
There are many variations in people’s situations, I know, but a general look at 'common' behaviors & attitudes affair partners may go through would be helpful to those left behind.”
Once you’ve gotten through the basic ‘how’ questions about your cheating partner, the questions get harder.
Take a look at the questions this wife is asking. Most partners tend to ask similar questions.
In one of my answers in the previous post about how men cheat I wrote,
How men cheat is by dealing with the reality that they’ve hurt another by denying it. You don’t have to deal with something that is not a reality to you.”
Since denial is one of the coping mechanisms men use to make cheating okay in their minds, rewriting history and blaming their partners shouldn’t come as much of a surprise.
When cheaters rewrite the history of their relationship and blame everything on their partners, there’s less they feel they have to deny. There’s also less to feel guilty about – and having less guilt is really important since many men who cheat want to claim that they still love their partners.
Men who are cheating will try anything to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior, and re-writing history and blaming others is a great way to do that.
Sadly, many men who are cheating and rewriting history start to believe their own lies.
Down deep they may know what they’re doing is wrong, but facing and owning their poor choices is difficult and painful.
Embracing denial and a new version of the ‘truth’ is a much easier and less painful choice than accepting the truth. Not the right choice, but the easier choice.
Quick answer – they don’t.
Why would they deal with it if it’s not something they think about (remember the denial technique described above)?
Cheating is selfish. It says my needs are more important than anyone else’s.
When you’re cheating you’re in 'it’s-all-about-me' mode. The obsession with meeting your own needs doesn’t allow room for thinking about your partner’s feelings.
Meeting their own needs is at the core of why men cheat.
Sadly, the selfishness that underlies cheating overrides any concern or empathy about hurting their partner. Expecting anything different from a man who's cheating is completely unrealistic.
First, see the answer to the initial question above. Next, see the answer to the second question above.
Okay, now you have some idea of the cheater's mindset. They’re,
When you're,
Then making your ex-partner the bad guy is really pretty easy.
It actually makes a warped kind of sense in the cheaters’ mind.
Making your partner out to be the bad one, and the one who has done wrong, allows your wrong behavior to seem right.
Another reason the cheating partner turns their partner into the bad guy is because it helps them feel justified in their actions. If in their minds they believe their partner has done something wrong or is not meeting their needs, then they can tell themselves that their behavior is deserved, justified, and right.
One of the core components of cheating is dishonesty – it’s what allows cheating to occur in the first place.
Lying is like rolling a snowball downhill. Like a snowball, lies just keep getting bigger and bigger, and they're hard to stop once they start.
I've worked with cheating men (and cheating women, too) who've been lying for so long, and in so many ways, that they've created the proverbial web of lies that even they can’t untangle.
Sometimes they don’t even remember what the truth is.
Sadly, for some people, lying becomes automatic.
Admitting to cheating is just the first step toward ending the lying.
But even when they're trying to be honest, cheaters (men and women) will still limit how much truth they'll disclose about the affair because they don't want to hurt their partner even more.
They also want to avoid feeling more pain and embarrassment themselves.
Unfortunately, deception at this stage just slows down the recovery process for both partners.
Cheaters never mean to hurt their children. Some don't mind hurting their partner, but nearly all regret any pain they’ve caused their children.
What many fail to understand though is that hurting the other parent hurts our kids too.
So, if cheaters don't mean to or want to hurt their kids, why do they?
As I described above, it's because cheaters are living in ‘it’s-all-about-me’ mode. They put their needs above everyone else's – even their kids.
Many are cheating to make themselves feel better or make up for some insecurity (another reason why men cheat), and it's hard to give up something that makes you hurt less, even if it hurts your kids.
This is another area affected by denial. Here the denial helps men fool themselves into believing that they're not really hurting their kids.
A man I'm counseling right now who's cheating thinks that the new family he has with his girlfriend is good for his kids, and points to the fact that he's taking his kids and hers to Disneyland for spring break.
Do you think the kids feel the same?
They don’t.
This may come as a surprise given that men who are cheating can look so happy and carefree on the outside, but many cheaters are really struggling on the inside with the mess they've created.
Often cheating men come to me for help because they're torn-up over the dual lives they're living.
Nearly all men who are cheating are also questioning what they should do next. Living in a state of constant deception just isn’t sustainable.
Most cheating men are very confused about what they want and what they should do about their circumstances.
Many don't want to lose their partner and the life they have together, but they also don't want to lose the new happiness they've found either.
Again, these true feelings are rarely revealed to their partner, but they're almost always there.
Unfortunately, what most aren’t thinking about, but should be, is what got them into this situation in the first place.
Affairs should be considered a symptom of deeper problems. After all, happy, healthy marriages don’t result in cheating.
Having worked with a lot of cheaters I can tell you that many, even most, have remorse. They just hide it really well.
Since cheating happens at least partly out of displeasure with their partner (a 'why' do men cheat answer), showing their partner any remorse is highly unlikely.
When I help them tear down the lies, denial, and blame they've built up, hidden beneath is often regret and remorse.
For women who've been cheated on, these explanations may not make you sympathetic towards your man, and they shouldn't.
But if they can help answer the question, “Why do men cheat?”, and more specifically, why your man cheated, then maybe you can begin to heal.
Important Note: I've used 'men' throughout this post because I was asked about men who cheat and why, not because I'm saying that only men cheat. I've worked with quite a few men who've been cheated on by the women in their lives. All of these answers apply to women who’ve had affairs, too. Substitute 'women' for 'men' anywhere in this post and you'll have the answers about women who cheat.
You can read Part 1 of this series about How Men Cheat here.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 31, 2013, March 27, 2018, and May 17, 2022 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Married for 7 years together for 11
Had 16 miscarriages to him
Recently Ceparated from him October 2016
I had fallen in love with his friend
Long story short.
He was cheating on me with a number of women.
He had apparently stopped their relationship after the other woman had a termination of her pregnancy!
This I didn't find out until recently
My ex husband has contracted chlamydia from one of the many others and passed it on to 6 of us
During that time he wanted me to get pregnant and pushed for me to have a sexual relationship with the guy I had fallen for i didn't want to cause I was a married woman
In the end I agreed and I didn't fall pregnant until later (after we had separated )
Miscarried that one too
But due to the stress
The weirdest thing is he blamed me for always being at work and he would use my house as a hotel room while I was at work.
I work 5 days a week and I work on weekends
I have messages from his mistress stating that she was pregnant with twins and she contracted chlamedia from him!
Now I have to get tested and I live by my self he is also in a relationship with my boyfriends ex-Fiancee
Between my ex and my boyfriends ex they were planning a complete swap of partners
They got that but what else do they want ?
They got my boyfriend arrested
Now he won't be able to get tested till he is home.
They turned my life upside down.
And have litteraly killed me ( all I do is work to pay for all the bills also my ex managed to get me evicted from my previous house with hardly any time I had to find a place and move! )
My ex used me and abused me in many ways.
And that's not all
He had cheated before as well but stupid me I had forgiven him.
And tried to move on with our marriage I had been trying to save it for the past 5 years of my life but it was pointless
My boyfriend similar story to mine believe it or not.
Well it is real fact that most women like sleeping around with all different kinds of men which makes them real whores these days since many of us good men had this happened to us already even though many of us were the real faithful ones to begin with.
Jess, I don't know if you are being purposely offensive, or if you have just made some terrible choices that have led you to this twisted reasoning. Either way, I am not very hopeful that you will find any kind of meaningful relationship saddled with that kind of attitude. Best of luck to you- you will need it.
Pam you actually replied to someone else
I was caught up in a nasty pickle there for a while but I feel much better about my self without him In my life
I Love my current life and my partner is the best thing that had ever happened to me
The comment from the truth is. Isn't my comment it was a response to my coment ..
Confused a little now
But anyways thank you all for your input
HI Pam i hope you know whom ever has written that post it wasnt me "and the truth is sounds exactly like something my cheating ex-husband would say and blaming me for being at work while he used my home as a hotel room for all his mistresses!....
Dom - I need you!
It just came out this past summer, that my husband of 25 years was having an affair for several months. It was a total shock to everyone. He is an amazing person and would never think to do this! However he has now became someone nobody knows. He is dating on line, dressing like a teenager, spending money like crazy and asking me for a divorce. He won't even go for marriage help. He just blames this affair on me and will list everything I have done wrong for the past 15 years. This guy was always happy and now he tells our kids it was all fake. But not one person knew, he said he kept it all inside. I am so hurt, I can't stop crying! His biggest complaint is I do not make enough money so he wants me to quit a job that I love and find a new one that pays more to prove my love for him! He literally has a list of things I need to do to prove my love to him. He says that is why he went outside our marriage, because this other person filled what I wasn't doing for him. It hurts because I was such a good wife to him!! I think he was jealous of my children! I just wonder if someday he will wake up and regret this because our kids as well as many other people have lost all respect for him.
UGH. I'm so sorry...I went through this as well and he did the very same thing. They do this because they have to...it keeps them from having to be accountable. They do it because you're the closest person to him. That's all they have. They lie, they twist everything, rewrite history, blame you for everything, their 'misery'. I suddenly became to blame for it all, "you were such a horrible wife, so manipulative and so controlling...if I didn't do what I did I would have had to commit suicide." I questioned everything and started doubting myself and my marriage, what I knew of our relationship and this man. A therapist/our marriage counselor reassured me that this is what they do...they can't handle the shame and the guilt so they spin it. They feel they have to blame you, the innocent party. It still blows my mind. This kind of talk you're getting from your husband is emotional abuse. Set yourself some very strong boundaries and hold them in place. You don't deserve this. You were a good wife and friend.
They blame it on their partners because they don't want to be accountable for it. Yes you are right. They probably can't handle the shame when people would find out about it so that's why they twist everything up.
This is crazy....It has been exactly the same for me and my marriage. 6 months later, I´m still in schock and i can not believe it. What hurts the most is rewriting history. We were happy and in love for 18 years....Now he acts like it was nothing and I was worst person ever possible...