There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
6 Min Read
Contents
Part 2 of 2
I frequently get asked by women, why men cheat. Some questions are both simple and hard to answer – why do men cheat is one of them.
The wife of a cheating man recently asked me to help her understand why men cheat in greater depth. I've answered her 'how' questions in the previous post, How Do Men Cheat.
Now, allow me to provide some answers to her 'why' questions. For perspective, here's part of her original request:
There are many variations in people’s situations, I know, but a general look at 'common' behaviors & attitudes affair partners may go through would be helpful to those left behind.”
Once you’ve gotten through the basic ‘how’ questions about your cheating partner, the questions get harder.
Take a look at the questions this wife is asking. Most partners tend to ask similar questions.
In one of my answers in the previous post about how men cheat I wrote,
How men cheat is by dealing with the reality that they’ve hurt another by denying it. You don’t have to deal with something that is not a reality to you.”
Since denial is one of the coping mechanisms men use to make cheating okay in their minds, rewriting history and blaming their partners shouldn’t come as much of a surprise.
When cheaters rewrite the history of their relationship and blame everything on their partners, there’s less they feel they have to deny. There’s also less to feel guilty about – and having less guilt is really important since many men who cheat want to claim that they still love their partners.
Men who are cheating will try anything to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior, and re-writing history and blaming others is a great way to do that.
Sadly, many men who are cheating and rewriting history start to believe their own lies.
Down deep they may know what they’re doing is wrong, but facing and owning their poor choices is difficult and painful.
Embracing denial and a new version of the ‘truth’ is a much easier and less painful choice than accepting the truth. Not the right choice, but the easier choice.
Quick answer – they don’t.
Why would they deal with it if it’s not something they think about (remember the denial technique described above)?
Cheating is selfish. It says my needs are more important than anyone else’s.
When you’re cheating you’re in 'it’s-all-about-me' mode. The obsession with meeting your own needs doesn’t allow room for thinking about your partner’s feelings.
Meeting their own needs is at the core of why men cheat.
Sadly, the selfishness that underlies cheating overrides any concern or empathy about hurting their partner. Expecting anything different from a man who's cheating is completely unrealistic.
First, see the answer to the initial question above. Next, see the answer to the second question above.
Okay, now you have some idea of the cheater's mindset. They’re,
When you're,
Then making your ex-partner the bad guy is really pretty easy.
It actually makes a warped kind of sense in the cheaters’ mind.
Making your partner out to be the bad one, and the one who has done wrong, allows your wrong behavior to seem right.
Another reason the cheating partner turns their partner into the bad guy is because it helps them feel justified in their actions. If in their minds they believe their partner has done something wrong or is not meeting their needs, then they can tell themselves that their behavior is deserved, justified, and right.
One of the core components of cheating is dishonesty – it’s what allows cheating to occur in the first place.
Lying is like rolling a snowball downhill. Like a snowball, lies just keep getting bigger and bigger, and they're hard to stop once they start.
I've worked with cheating men (and cheating women, too) who've been lying for so long, and in so many ways, that they've created the proverbial web of lies that even they can’t untangle.
Sometimes they don’t even remember what the truth is.
Sadly, for some people, lying becomes automatic.
Admitting to cheating is just the first step toward ending the lying.
But even when they're trying to be honest, cheaters (men and women) will still limit how much truth they'll disclose about the affair because they don't want to hurt their partner even more.
They also want to avoid feeling more pain and embarrassment themselves.
Unfortunately, deception at this stage just slows down the recovery process for both partners.
Cheaters never mean to hurt their children. Some don't mind hurting their partner, but nearly all regret any pain they’ve caused their children.
What many fail to understand though is that hurting the other parent hurts our kids too.
So, if cheaters don't mean to or want to hurt their kids, why do they?
As I described above, it's because cheaters are living in ‘it’s-all-about-me’ mode. They put their needs above everyone else's – even their kids.
Many are cheating to make themselves feel better or make up for some insecurity (another reason why men cheat), and it's hard to give up something that makes you hurt less, even if it hurts your kids.
This is another area affected by denial. Here the denial helps men fool themselves into believing that they're not really hurting their kids.
A man I'm counseling right now who's cheating thinks that the new family he has with his girlfriend is good for his kids, and points to the fact that he's taking his kids and hers to Disneyland for spring break.
Do you think the kids feel the same?
They don’t.
This may come as a surprise given that men who are cheating can look so happy and carefree on the outside, but many cheaters are really struggling on the inside with the mess they've created.
Often cheating men come to me for help because they're torn-up over the dual lives they're living.
Nearly all men who are cheating are also questioning what they should do next. Living in a state of constant deception just isn’t sustainable.
Most cheating men are very confused about what they want and what they should do about their circumstances.
Many don't want to lose their partner and the life they have together, but they also don't want to lose the new happiness they've found either.
Again, these true feelings are rarely revealed to their partner, but they're almost always there.
Unfortunately, what most aren’t thinking about, but should be, is what got them into this situation in the first place.
Affairs should be considered a symptom of deeper problems. After all, happy, healthy marriages don’t result in cheating.
Having worked with a lot of cheaters I can tell you that many, even most, have remorse. They just hide it really well.
Since cheating happens at least partly out of displeasure with their partner (a 'why' do men cheat answer), showing their partner any remorse is highly unlikely.
When I help them tear down the lies, denial, and blame they've built up, hidden beneath is often regret and remorse.
For women who've been cheated on, these explanations may not make you sympathetic towards your man, and they shouldn't.
But if they can help answer the question, “Why do men cheat?”, and more specifically, why your man cheated, then maybe you can begin to heal.
Important Note: I've used 'men' throughout this post because I was asked about men who cheat and why, not because I'm saying that only men cheat. I've worked with quite a few men who've been cheated on by the women in their lives. All of these answers apply to women who’ve had affairs, too. Substitute 'women' for 'men' anywhere in this post and you'll have the answers about women who cheat.
You can read Part 1 of this series about How Men Cheat here.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 31, 2013, March 27, 2018, and May 17, 2022 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Hi Don.....I am 56... Was married for 36 years....and yes found out in April 2106 he was affair....
It must be so hard for you .. I am 27 right now and I have been going through this phase where we have been married for 3 years now and he planned to go for a trip with his boys to Thailand last year . I had faith in him and did let him go , just to tell you I have a son by him who is 2 yrs old now . When he was back I saw him all the time in his cellphone .. Caught him using multiple dating apps . I was so shattered and upon confrontation all I would get was blame by him , Infact even threats of divorce . Now I am at my moms with my son and he has verbally said I divorce you upon a very small household chore that was undone . made a call to him just last night and he says I have been a disobedient wife all this time ! It's like a blame game I feel miserable
My husband and I have been married for 14 years overall we have been together for 22 years. I fet disappointed and betrayed by man that l loved. He have not only cheated on me but he has had a few children outside of our marriage and we have 10 beautiful children together. At first he told all these lies before he came clean about the affairs. I feel like whole world had gotten blown up by a foreign bomb with the a knife in his had cutting my heart out and crushing it. Now I have never cheated on my husband nor do I the desire to. We have tried marriage couseling and of course he didn't want to continue l believe it was because we was about to unravel his hidden pain and truths of why he cheats. I backed off and seeked couseling for myself now. All I do is pray and hope that my husband will one day accept his wrong and change for the better. I haven't done anything wrong but all he do is blame me and tell me that it my fault that he cheats I use to work and stop because of my husband and his cheating cause me my job. I don't know what to do and feel so hurt and I have recently found out that I can't have children anymore I have also suffered from 3 miscarriages and my husband keep being my ear that he wants us to another baby and I haven't had the chance to tell me him because he is so busy with all the other women and I don't matter at all. My husband will be good with me for a week and then he is back at it the funny part is now he thinks I am cheating on him. I would never do that and he knows it . I have losted my family and friends behind this. The only true Friend I have is my Lord. My husband have even told me that he hates me and then say that he didn't mean and that I piss him off . So I told him that he pisses me off too and that I forgive him but will never forget how he treats me as his wife. God bless everyone.
I have been married for over 25 years. I just found out that my husband has been looking at porn, the whole time, on and off! After I caught him, he then told me that it had been only a year. As things progressed, we talked, argued and couldn't come to an agreement, he confessed to me that the last three years had been bad. They had escalated to hardcore. He tells me that all of that time, he never chatted with the porn stars. Personally, I am struggling with this. I am in total disarray at the whole situation.
Lorrie, Porn addiction is a tough thing to deal with, and he may not realize he could be addicted. Like any addiction, he will probably need professional help and he will have to want the help to recover from it. -Kurt
Jean, you are talking from my soul! It is just digusting how men are with their own wives. Believe me a man who cheats his wife is really cheating him self. He has no self esteem. He is a big coward! I believe in karma.......My still husband is now playing the victim after he cheated on me after 20 years of marriage. Poor husband, he felt so unloved from his wife that he just had to do it. Karma is going back to him. He has lost the respect of his son......