There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
6 Min Read
Contents
Part 2 of 2
I frequently get asked by women, why men cheat. Some questions are both simple and hard to answer – why do men cheat is one of them.
The wife of a cheating man recently asked me to help her understand why men cheat in greater depth. I've answered her 'how' questions in the previous post, How Do Men Cheat.
Now, allow me to provide some answers to her 'why' questions. For perspective, here's part of her original request:
There are many variations in people’s situations, I know, but a general look at 'common' behaviors & attitudes affair partners may go through would be helpful to those left behind.”
Once you’ve gotten through the basic ‘how’ questions about your cheating partner, the questions get harder.
Take a look at the questions this wife is asking. Most partners tend to ask similar questions.
In one of my answers in the previous post about how men cheat I wrote,
How men cheat is by dealing with the reality that they’ve hurt another by denying it. You don’t have to deal with something that is not a reality to you.”
Since denial is one of the coping mechanisms men use to make cheating okay in their minds, rewriting history and blaming their partners shouldn’t come as much of a surprise.
When cheaters rewrite the history of their relationship and blame everything on their partners, there’s less they feel they have to deny. There’s also less to feel guilty about – and having less guilt is really important since many men who cheat want to claim that they still love their partners.
Men who are cheating will try anything to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior, and re-writing history and blaming others is a great way to do that.
Sadly, many men who are cheating and rewriting history start to believe their own lies.
Down deep they may know what they’re doing is wrong, but facing and owning their poor choices is difficult and painful.
Embracing denial and a new version of the ‘truth’ is a much easier and less painful choice than accepting the truth. Not the right choice, but the easier choice.
Quick answer – they don’t.
Why would they deal with it if it’s not something they think about (remember the denial technique described above)?
Cheating is selfish. It says my needs are more important than anyone else’s.
When you’re cheating you’re in 'it’s-all-about-me' mode. The obsession with meeting your own needs doesn’t allow room for thinking about your partner’s feelings.
Meeting their own needs is at the core of why men cheat.
Sadly, the selfishness that underlies cheating overrides any concern or empathy about hurting their partner. Expecting anything different from a man who's cheating is completely unrealistic.
First, see the answer to the initial question above. Next, see the answer to the second question above.
Okay, now you have some idea of the cheater's mindset. They’re,
When you're,
Then making your ex-partner the bad guy is really pretty easy.
It actually makes a warped kind of sense in the cheaters’ mind.
Making your partner out to be the bad one, and the one who has done wrong, allows your wrong behavior to seem right.
Another reason the cheating partner turns their partner into the bad guy is because it helps them feel justified in their actions. If in their minds they believe their partner has done something wrong or is not meeting their needs, then they can tell themselves that their behavior is deserved, justified, and right.
One of the core components of cheating is dishonesty – it’s what allows cheating to occur in the first place.
Lying is like rolling a snowball downhill. Like a snowball, lies just keep getting bigger and bigger, and they're hard to stop once they start.
I've worked with cheating men (and cheating women, too) who've been lying for so long, and in so many ways, that they've created the proverbial web of lies that even they can’t untangle.
Sometimes they don’t even remember what the truth is.
Sadly, for some people, lying becomes automatic.
Admitting to cheating is just the first step toward ending the lying.
But even when they're trying to be honest, cheaters (men and women) will still limit how much truth they'll disclose about the affair because they don't want to hurt their partner even more.
They also want to avoid feeling more pain and embarrassment themselves.
Unfortunately, deception at this stage just slows down the recovery process for both partners.
Cheaters never mean to hurt their children. Some don't mind hurting their partner, but nearly all regret any pain they’ve caused their children.
What many fail to understand though is that hurting the other parent hurts our kids too.
So, if cheaters don't mean to or want to hurt their kids, why do they?
As I described above, it's because cheaters are living in ‘it’s-all-about-me’ mode. They put their needs above everyone else's – even their kids.
Many are cheating to make themselves feel better or make up for some insecurity (another reason why men cheat), and it's hard to give up something that makes you hurt less, even if it hurts your kids.
This is another area affected by denial. Here the denial helps men fool themselves into believing that they're not really hurting their kids.
A man I'm counseling right now who's cheating thinks that the new family he has with his girlfriend is good for his kids, and points to the fact that he's taking his kids and hers to Disneyland for spring break.
Do you think the kids feel the same?
They don’t.
This may come as a surprise given that men who are cheating can look so happy and carefree on the outside, but many cheaters are really struggling on the inside with the mess they've created.
Often cheating men come to me for help because they're torn-up over the dual lives they're living.
Nearly all men who are cheating are also questioning what they should do next. Living in a state of constant deception just isn’t sustainable.
Most cheating men are very confused about what they want and what they should do about their circumstances.
Many don't want to lose their partner and the life they have together, but they also don't want to lose the new happiness they've found either.
Again, these true feelings are rarely revealed to their partner, but they're almost always there.
Unfortunately, what most aren’t thinking about, but should be, is what got them into this situation in the first place.
Affairs should be considered a symptom of deeper problems. After all, happy, healthy marriages don’t result in cheating.
Having worked with a lot of cheaters I can tell you that many, even most, have remorse. They just hide it really well.
Since cheating happens at least partly out of displeasure with their partner (a 'why' do men cheat answer), showing their partner any remorse is highly unlikely.
When I help them tear down the lies, denial, and blame they've built up, hidden beneath is often regret and remorse.
For women who've been cheated on, these explanations may not make you sympathetic towards your man, and they shouldn't.
But if they can help answer the question, “Why do men cheat?”, and more specifically, why your man cheated, then maybe you can begin to heal.
Important Note: I've used 'men' throughout this post because I was asked about men who cheat and why, not because I'm saying that only men cheat. I've worked with quite a few men who've been cheated on by the women in their lives. All of these answers apply to women who’ve had affairs, too. Substitute 'women' for 'men' anywhere in this post and you'll have the answers about women who cheat.
You can read Part 1 of this series about How Men Cheat here.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 31, 2013, March 27, 2018, and May 17, 2022 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I just found out that my husband was sexting and then moved on to having oral sex in his car with the 22 year old he was "mentoring". We are approaching our 30th wedding anniversary. He has lied every step of the way, and only admits to the lies I uncover, so there is no way of knowing how long he has been a cheater, or if he still will cheat. I haven't slept in two days, and I alternate between crying, and then making him listen to me as I shame him. I don't think I can ever forgive him, because I can't ever believe him again. He says it was not my fault and he has been stupid, but he has always been manipulative in a passive-aggressive way, and I don't see any real emotion from him when he says these things. I have felt an emptiness in our relationship for a while, but thought it was just a phase. I try to accommodate him, despite the fact that he is a LOUSY lover and I have not had an orgasm in years. It wasn't important to me, but I knew it was to him, so I tried. I realize now that my " good marriage" has been a sad joke.
Mary
I completely agree with you. After my ex husband cheated and lied for over 20 years I too lost all trust. What mattered to him was sex s d sex only. I was good enough to move around the world with him to be s good military wife , to support his army career , to be there for the child while he "served his country ",also whild he had affairs with female soldiers and co workers. After he retired from the army he left the marriage for a young co worker. He rewrote history and demonized me in every way possible. So glad I divorced this liar. If had been 3 years. No desire for another man. My ex gave all men a bad name. So happy to be my own person. I can live in peace now.
thank you i am sooooo hurt trying to stand and keep being strong I'm making applications for work he always did nice he has been cheating I'll never know the truth from his own mouth but I know the truth with proofs film if he doesn't change I ask God to help me be strong to get out of the relationship and my heart goes out to all the people that are hurting as much or more like me may God bless you all in my prayers
Hi everyone On this site , before I share my story , I just want to say the article on "why men cheat "gave me somewhat of an insight of maybe why my husband cheated on me and left me and my son for a younger woman that he worked with at the time .
Like many of you women on this site , Were proud of your husbands and proud of the good fathers they were I was too , I have a 2 year old son that Thankfully dosent know what's really going on . My ex got cought cheating and has left are home to be with the woman he left me for ! My Ex has no remorse for what he has done and blames the affair on me . And wants me to get along with this woman he says for the sake of our son but honestly I don't know how to move past this !! This has left me devastate ! I have often caught myself saying what could I have done to prevent this from happening and why was I not the wife he wanted me to be ? And why is he showing no remorse and blaming me for his actions ? I know that's what most men do when they cheat but sometimes, I look at this man and say to my self this is not the person I fell in love with !! I just want to be my self again and be truly happy not only for me but for our Son !
Desiree
So sorry to hear what your husband has done. Showing no remorse or guilt goes hand in hand with lying and cheating. I went through the same. He left for s young co worker. I was abondened with my son. Getting along with the ex was impossible as he blamed and shifted all of his guilt in me. I ended up divorcing him and never talked to him again. I know with minor children that might not be possible. Please take care of yourself and your children,put yourself first and let that loser go. A husband who is capable of doing such evil is not worth fighting for. My life is better and peaceful now, but it was difficult. Remain strong and keep your faith. There is a light in the darkness. I have been there and now I celebrate my victory.
Desiree, This sounds very complicated. One thing to remember is that he is responsible for his actions. Seek out some professional counseling for some support and tools to deal with this. -Kurt
Healthy attitude. GOD speed to being our happy selves again. Bless YOU and you son.
My father would blame me at age 5 for his marriage problems. Then at age 6 - 7 he would beat me for acting like a kid ( Laughing / Playing / Talking to loud / Crawling on the floor with action figures ) Worst time was in the bath when he pushed me to the front of the tap. When I started to scream in pain, he punish me on the spot by holding my arm under the hot water.
Blame game is one simple fact. Narcissism is key to understand why others are blamed for a another persons wrong doings. You can't control evil and you can demand goodness, all you can do is hope rationality becomes your salvation in time of confusion and sadness!
Later in life my father started to abuse my mother, physically and financially. As time progressed he would look at my girlfriends some young as 16 when I was 18. Fast forward a few more years and my father cheated on my mother and stole 65,000 / forged her name on credit cards / stole her taxes / stole her rent money -- Then to top it all off gave this money to another girl and said it was his money!
He then proceeded to blame me and my mother for his actions! Evil is something you can't reason with. Just try to forgive as it will make you whole again. Then take your pain with all your sadness and drop it at your feet then walk away!