There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
6 Min Read
Contents
Part 2 of 2
I frequently get asked by women, why men cheat. Some questions are both simple and hard to answer – why do men cheat is one of them.
The wife of a cheating man recently asked me to help her understand why men cheat in greater depth. I've answered her 'how' questions in the previous post, How Do Men Cheat.
Now, allow me to provide some answers to her 'why' questions. For perspective, here's part of her original request:
There are many variations in people’s situations, I know, but a general look at 'common' behaviors & attitudes affair partners may go through would be helpful to those left behind.”
Once you’ve gotten through the basic ‘how’ questions about your cheating partner, the questions get harder.
Take a look at the questions this wife is asking. Most partners tend to ask similar questions.
In one of my answers in the previous post about how men cheat I wrote,
How men cheat is by dealing with the reality that they’ve hurt another by denying it. You don’t have to deal with something that is not a reality to you.”
Since denial is one of the coping mechanisms men use to make cheating okay in their minds, rewriting history and blaming their partners shouldn’t come as much of a surprise.
When cheaters rewrite the history of their relationship and blame everything on their partners, there’s less they feel they have to deny. There’s also less to feel guilty about – and having less guilt is really important since many men who cheat want to claim that they still love their partners.
Men who are cheating will try anything to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior, and re-writing history and blaming others is a great way to do that.
Sadly, many men who are cheating and rewriting history start to believe their own lies.
Down deep they may know what they’re doing is wrong, but facing and owning their poor choices is difficult and painful.
Embracing denial and a new version of the ‘truth’ is a much easier and less painful choice than accepting the truth. Not the right choice, but the easier choice.
Quick answer – they don’t.
Why would they deal with it if it’s not something they think about (remember the denial technique described above)?
Cheating is selfish. It says my needs are more important than anyone else’s.
When you’re cheating you’re in 'it’s-all-about-me' mode. The obsession with meeting your own needs doesn’t allow room for thinking about your partner’s feelings.
Meeting their own needs is at the core of why men cheat.
Sadly, the selfishness that underlies cheating overrides any concern or empathy about hurting their partner. Expecting anything different from a man who's cheating is completely unrealistic.
First, see the answer to the initial question above. Next, see the answer to the second question above.
Okay, now you have some idea of the cheater's mindset. They’re,
When you're,
Then making your ex-partner the bad guy is really pretty easy.
It actually makes a warped kind of sense in the cheaters’ mind.
Making your partner out to be the bad one, and the one who has done wrong, allows your wrong behavior to seem right.
Another reason the cheating partner turns their partner into the bad guy is because it helps them feel justified in their actions. If in their minds they believe their partner has done something wrong or is not meeting their needs, then they can tell themselves that their behavior is deserved, justified, and right.
One of the core components of cheating is dishonesty – it’s what allows cheating to occur in the first place.
Lying is like rolling a snowball downhill. Like a snowball, lies just keep getting bigger and bigger, and they're hard to stop once they start.
I've worked with cheating men (and cheating women, too) who've been lying for so long, and in so many ways, that they've created the proverbial web of lies that even they can’t untangle.
Sometimes they don’t even remember what the truth is.
Sadly, for some people, lying becomes automatic.
Admitting to cheating is just the first step toward ending the lying.
But even when they're trying to be honest, cheaters (men and women) will still limit how much truth they'll disclose about the affair because they don't want to hurt their partner even more.
They also want to avoid feeling more pain and embarrassment themselves.
Unfortunately, deception at this stage just slows down the recovery process for both partners.
Cheaters never mean to hurt their children. Some don't mind hurting their partner, but nearly all regret any pain they’ve caused their children.
What many fail to understand though is that hurting the other parent hurts our kids too.
So, if cheaters don't mean to or want to hurt their kids, why do they?
As I described above, it's because cheaters are living in ‘it’s-all-about-me’ mode. They put their needs above everyone else's – even their kids.
Many are cheating to make themselves feel better or make up for some insecurity (another reason why men cheat), and it's hard to give up something that makes you hurt less, even if it hurts your kids.
This is another area affected by denial. Here the denial helps men fool themselves into believing that they're not really hurting their kids.
A man I'm counseling right now who's cheating thinks that the new family he has with his girlfriend is good for his kids, and points to the fact that he's taking his kids and hers to Disneyland for spring break.
Do you think the kids feel the same?
They don’t.
This may come as a surprise given that men who are cheating can look so happy and carefree on the outside, but many cheaters are really struggling on the inside with the mess they've created.
Often cheating men come to me for help because they're torn-up over the dual lives they're living.
Nearly all men who are cheating are also questioning what they should do next. Living in a state of constant deception just isn’t sustainable.
Most cheating men are very confused about what they want and what they should do about their circumstances.
Many don't want to lose their partner and the life they have together, but they also don't want to lose the new happiness they've found either.
Again, these true feelings are rarely revealed to their partner, but they're almost always there.
Unfortunately, what most aren’t thinking about, but should be, is what got them into this situation in the first place.
Affairs should be considered a symptom of deeper problems. After all, happy, healthy marriages don’t result in cheating.
Having worked with a lot of cheaters I can tell you that many, even most, have remorse. They just hide it really well.
Since cheating happens at least partly out of displeasure with their partner (a 'why' do men cheat answer), showing their partner any remorse is highly unlikely.
When I help them tear down the lies, denial, and blame they've built up, hidden beneath is often regret and remorse.
For women who've been cheated on, these explanations may not make you sympathetic towards your man, and they shouldn't.
But if they can help answer the question, “Why do men cheat?”, and more specifically, why your man cheated, then maybe you can begin to heal.
Important Note: I've used 'men' throughout this post because I was asked about men who cheat and why, not because I'm saying that only men cheat. I've worked with quite a few men who've been cheated on by the women in their lives. All of these answers apply to women who’ve had affairs, too. Substitute 'women' for 'men' anywhere in this post and you'll have the answers about women who cheat.
You can read Part 1 of this series about How Men Cheat here.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 31, 2013, March 27, 2018, and May 17, 2022 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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What cheating husband don't realize is that their actions do not only affect the spouse but also the children , friends, family, neighbors , co workers and bosses. When affair gets exposed most of the time the faithful spouse will get most of the support. The cheater will always be a liar. And the truth is that there are no "nice divorces". Even in amicable divorces things are said,children are hurt. Cheaters do not realize that their children don't respect them anymore after an affair. They do not see them as role models any longer. I myself divorced my cheating husband. I have to my child that it is not ok to disrespect your wife in this way and get away with it. There is absolutely nothing good about a cheater. I recovered after the divorce of a long term marriage. But it was painful and difficult. It was the worst pain anyone inflicted on me. Also coming from the person who vowed to love me and cherish me for the rest of my life. But there is ALWAYS light in the darkness. You just have to keep on walking. I let God fight my enemies and He gave me victory.
Carol so sorry to hear what you are going through. It will get better,believe me. Almost 3 years I was discarded by my cheating , lying ex husband I finally have my self respect and self worth back. And yes what goes around comes around. I found out that my ex husband is not happy. I guess the grass was not greener. The little young co worker could not make him happy. A cheater is selfish and has no care or respect for his spouse and children. And that's exactly what they end up , with absolutely nothing. Betrayed wives have a way to make a cheater pay in divorce court. I did and I ended up with victory. Divorce is the worst thing in the world , everyone gets hurt. But cheaters deserve nothing else but a divorce. Probably best a divorce trial in front of a judge when their secrets get exposed. I first got mad about being cheated on after 29 years but then I got even. By hiring the best attorney I can find.
In response to Michelle
So sorry to hear what your husband had done. But you know it's not up to him what he wants. You need to let him go and divorce him. So what if he does not want a divorce. His rights are gone, he stepped out if the marriage Look out for yourself and take care of YOU. Yes, they are cowards but take it as a blessing and move on. You do need an evil person like him. Let the mistress have him. Trust me , I went through this after 20 years of marriage. You will be happy again. I promise you.
Kurt, What if you find out your husband has cheated on you multiple times and he tells you the reason he cheated on you is because you hurt him while the two of you were dating and cheating on you is the way he deals with the pain and hurt he feels about it. We've been married 11 years and were engaged for 4 years and I never once even looked at another man since the day we got engaged.
Judy, He needs to take responsibility for his own actions, but you can't make him do it. As the article said, there are many reasons why men cheat, then blame their partner. -Kurt
I want to tell all you women & some men that there still is hope. My husband cheated on me & he Never rold me. I found out from reading emails. I had suspicion for 3 years bc every so often i would see weird number on our cell phone bill & when i called them most of the time ot was an ex-girlfriend. He actually ended up cheating on me with the girl he lost his viginity to. We have 2 beautiful children and i had a lil girl who was his step daughter. I got pregnant right after highschool & the daddy of my baby ran off with a woman who was 25 years older than us and eloped. I didnt love him but it did hurt. Then i met my husband now. He was in more of a father to my daughter than her biological father. My husband and i actually divorced. And stayed divorced for 6 months then got back together. After being back together for 4 months my daughter (his step daughter) died. My 4 year old daughter, my 2 yr old and I was in a severe car accident. We flipped head over end 5 times. My 4 year old was in a booster seat that has a back to it but it used a reg seatbelt instead of harness straps. My mother just bought it a week prior to the wreck. She was thrown out of the car. I was also thrown out of the back windshield. My 2 year was perfectly fine but wit some scratches. That was the most horrifing thing that i ever experienced. A month later I found out i was pregnant with our 2nd child my 3rd. Drs say i was pregnant during the wreck. Thank God our son turned out perfectly fine. Andrew and i remarried after i found out i was pregnant again. I had to go through greiving & hormone changes from pregnancy at same time. It was very difficut for me. And i practically went off on the deep end. Thankfully my husband was Always there to pick me up. He is now a changed man. We been married now for a total of 8 years and past 5 years i have had not one problem from him when it came to cheating or talkig to other girls. It took me 4 years to get over it tho. Between the heartbreak from him & my daughter passing away it was severely hard & i cried every single day for years. But the as time went on the pain gradually would fade. I still have pain from losing my daughter. But i rarely get pain from thinking of what my husband did to me. Now as for most mem i would say once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. But thats not always the case. There is still hope. It just takes time lots of time to get over it. But once you do its amazing. And remember once u say u forgive him that also means dont bring it up everytime yall argue. Bc when he says hes sorry he truly is sorry. And it hurts the both of you if u keep bringing up the past. In order to move on you have to leave the past in the past. Well good luck to you all and May God Bless you and your families
I love this story. Thank you Lacey and bless you a million times over for your courage, you sweet soul.