Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
"Addicted to porn? No way!" Jason told his wife. Even though porn has been a regular part of his life for as long as he can remember, Jason never considered himself addicted to porn. He just never saw it as a problem.
The truth is most men who are addicted to porn are like Jason and don't see it as a problem. As a result, they don’t realize that they have an addiction either.
Jason wondered how could porn be a problem when every guy he knows looks at porn? But now that he’s married, it’s become a big, big problem because it's causing issues in his marriage. Before he was married it didn’t seem like a big deal, but his wife has a different view. With the help of Guy Stuff he now sees the affect his porn habit is having on his wife and marriage, and that he really is addicted to porn.
Jason was in the Army for 8 years, much of it overseas, and has been out for a little more than 2 years. He says in the Army everyone looks at porn. A lot of wives and girlfriends would even email homemade porn of themselves to their soldiers.
Because viewing porn was so common and readily available it didn’t seem like there was anything wrong with it. And no one was getting hurt, right? After all, he was thousands of miles away from his wife without any outlet for sexual release. Watching porn was just the accepted thing to do to compensate and pass the time.
Jason’s interest in porn, however, went from a pastime to a habit to a full-fledged addiction without his even realizing it. After returning to the states, and even after getting married to a woman he loves, porn remained a regular part of his life. And just like in the Army he considered it normal.
For Sheri, Jason’s wife of 16 months, porn didn’t seem normal or okay. She says it makes her really, really upset. It makes her feel insecure too. She even has nightmares about Jason being with other women because of the porn. Ironically, Sheri’s a former model. (Learn What Women Think About Porn)
Despite having a very attractive wife, Jason continued to view porn. Being addicted to porn has caused a huge trust problem between he and Sheri. He’s told her repeatedly that he would stop looking and hasn’t. As a result, she’s suspicious and distrusting of almost everything he tells her.
And Jason’s porn viewing has put a strain on their intimate life as well. Sheri feels like she's constantly being compared to the women Jason sees in the videos he watches. He’s never told her that, but knowing that he gets aroused watching them and hasn’t given up his habit just reinforces her suspicions. In Sheri’s view it’s like having other people a part of their marriage and that feels like cheating.
The stress and strain from the conflict in his marriage finally got to be too much for Jason and it brought him to Guy Stuff to find some solutions. He wanted to have a healthy and happy relationship with Sheri, and most of all to save his marriage. Jason could see that watching porn was causing more and more disconnect between them. Sheri was increasingly saying she couldn't do this anymore and he was worried she was finally going to separate and then it would be too late.
He finally decided he didn't want to watch porn anymore, and realized the fact that he hadn’t been able to stop on his own probably meant he really was addicted to porn. Sure Jason still liked porn and wished he could watch it, but knew he had to choose between porn or his marriage. And he wanted to choose Sheri.
Jason just needed help on how to follow through on his decision to fix his marriage. He wanted to learn more about how to use a porn safety plan he’d read about on our website and he wanted to rebuild trust with Sheri. So that's what we've worked on, in addition to helping him learn how porn is much more complicated than just getting a sexual release.
Jason’s made huge progress in stopping his porn addiction. With Guy Stuff’s help he hasn’t viewed porn in months. He has a safety plan in place that Sheri’s a partner in. With his taking these steps she’s starting to trust him a little more each day. Their marriage is getting stronger too. Being addicted to porn doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship - it can also mean the beginning of a new chapter.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 19, 2012. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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I do believe I am an addict and finally admitted to my wife my problem.She will stand by my side and I realized it with the Kik app. I was on it and they post horrible videos and I was having a hard time breaking away looking for a possible safe chat room but they were all the same.The thought of being at the wrong spot at the wrong time crash threw my head and I felt the anxiety kick in.This has been day 1 for me and I realize that I have a fight ahead of me.Im just looking to talk to someone when the urge kicks in.
Mike, Congrats on admitting your problem and getting serious about changing your behavior. Having someone to talk to when the urge arises is a good idea, but you're probably going to need more help than that to stop. -Kurt
I am 52, and married my husband 12 years ago. He said he did porn in his previous marriage because his wife had refused to have sex with him for the last 5 years of their marriage, and they had a young child that he didn't want to involve in an affair. He told me all of this before we met face to face, and I told him that I would not permit porn in any relationship I was in under any circumstances unless I was physically incapacitated. We discussed this several more times before marrying, and he agreed each time.
Six months after we married, he turned me down saying he was tired. I woke up in the middle of the night and found him masturbating to porn at his computer. I should have filed for divorce then...... We went to a sex therapist, and made a pact that if he found himself horny (outside of normal time of day) to let me know, and together help him satisfy his need. That has never happened. i have asked him from time to time about the porn, and he has boldfaced lied telling me that he hasn't looked at in years.
5 years ago I went through menopause, and got vaginal atrohpy at the same time. The day after the onset of this, I had a prescription to alleviate this from my gyno. Sex resumed, what i thought normally. 3 years ago, he just stopped wanting to have sex with me and said it was because he wanted me to initiate it. I had no issue putting on all of the super racy Fredericks stuff, and trying to initiate it. Most of the time he either was tired, had a stomach ache, didn't feel good, getting a cold---you name it. I am 5'7", 117 lbs, and I work out regularly. I wear age appropriate sexy clothing (think Boston Proper). We have not had sex in almost a year, and I cornered him 4 weeks ago before he was awake, and he admitted that he does porn/masturbation 2-4 times a week. My world is crumbling. he has been seeing a therapist for stress management, and i asked him if she knew about the porn and us not having sex. He said he told her everything, and yes, she knows the frequency and lack of in our life. I asked what the plan was for this, and he said NOTHING! She said he's not addicted to porn...... he further stated that she found it inappropriate for me to force my Catholic beliefs on him. he is Episcopal. I have no idea what to do now since his therapist does not think this is an issue. he added that he also told her that due to my age, that it takes me longer to 'get ready' than it does him, and he doesn't want to waste that much time. She also suggested that I get a vibrator and use it to get myself going while he watches, and then have him enter me right before orgasm. I am totally blown away by all of this, and feel even lower than I did watching him get turned on by some 21 year old brunette going at it with oral sex and then self masturbation before the guy entered her.
Where do I go from here? He has asked me to attend their next session so she can give me pointers on how to accept the porn in his life.
Just call me old, withered, unattractive, and washed up....
Elizabeth, I'd go to the therapy session and verify if what your husband is telling you really is what his therapist is saying. It very well could be, but a lot of people twist what we therapists say around to fit their agenda. They also have a tendency not to mention tough to talk about subjects like porn. If the therapist is recommending these things, then you need to a have discussion with your husband about the type of advice you're going to accept into your lives. Please write back after you meet his therapist. -Kurt
Hi Kurt,
I went to counseling today with him. She kept the focus on our communication styles mostly. I did bring up the porn several times, and basically received no response. I also referenced how he had said that she told him that he should watch me mastubate with a vibrator to turn him on, and she didn't deny it. She also didn't deny it when I said that he had told me that she said his porn/masturbation were perfectly normal. I asked how this fit with being married and that we haven't had sex in almost a year. She changed the subject.
Ironically, I have been doing searches over the past few days on different religions and their beliefs where porn is concerned. The Episcopal Church, which is his Church, does not promote it, but they also do not make any stand on it being a bad thing either. I read an article written last month that talks about a newly appointed pastor having been a porn star in her 'past' life. So, I am deducing that we are genuinely at odds where religion is concerned, and he has a valid point when he tells me to stop trying to force my Catholic views on him.
Kurt, I have no idea what to do now.....
Holy shot that some major gaslighting and abuse. Report this to DHS immediately don't doubt your reality. Your right they are wrong. Get out never ever look back and sue that doctor.
I am starting to sound like a broken record I know but I'm really struggling with this. I've been married 20 years. In the past I caught my husband with the porn about 4 times over the years. I didn't understand it was an addiction and thought he could just stop if I asked him to. The last time I caught him before this was about 4 years ago and I thought we were done with this problem. I have been educated now in how this addiction works. I noticed signs of him watching porn and by a stroke of strange coincidence discovered very damning evidence that resulted in him lying repeatedly until I finally said I don't believe you and challenged him on every point and the lies all came out. He has now told me that this has been a problem for him since he was a small child because his mother and brother exposed him to so much pornography and sexually immoral behavior. Long before we were married and all thru our marriage he has been addicted and I just learned how bad it really has been last week. I have serious issues also because of sexual abuse I suffered as a child, so this is a very difficult subject for me that I have never really felt healthy about dealing with. He is suffering from ED and taking all kinds of supplements and pills to try to make it work again, so far nothing has worked too great and I'm concerned for his health taking these pills. So I decided that it seemed healthier for him to just use the porn if that would help him with the ED. I told him that as long as we watch it together and he isn't out there masturbating that I could live with that and I hoped this would satisfy his urges to watch it. I told him anytime he wants to watch it we could do it together. He says he really likes this arrangement and he would rather do it with me than alone and he doesn't feel ashamed with me. It hasn't helped him that much with his ED though and he said maybe he'll get more comfortable with time. I have two major questions, first, If he has had this problem for so long and has lied to me for over 20 years about it, can I trust that he is being honest with me about it now and about not cheating on me with other women. Second, am I being naive to think that this will help him and he won't hide it anymore. The reason I ask is because he really seems to be sweeping it all away too fast. He's keeps saying, "I'm so happy now, I'll never lie to you again. This is going to make it ok and I just want to be happy. It seems like he's not taking the time to address the truth and is just trying to move past all the lies he got caught in, is this so I don't discover even more lies about cheating.
Ann, It sounds like you have an idea what the answers are to those questions. Trust your gut, not what your heart wants to hope for. The solution isn't that easy. -Kurt
Kurt, I'm so scared, I'm shaking after reading your response. He's just so skilled at lying and my heart does want to believe him. I've been married to him since I was 15, I'm now 36 with 5 children. I've never had to take care of myself or been an adult on my own. I don't know who I am or how to be without him. I've been a stay at home mom for 16 years, I have no real way of earning an income or providing for myself and my children. I feel like I can work through the porn, why would he hide it if I told him it's ok, just tell me no more lies. I can't live with cheating or interaction with women like strip clubs and such, I just can't cause I know if he did it before, he'll do it again. He keeps offering to take a lie detector test to prove he's never cheated on me, do you think I should set that up? If I had solid proof that he has cheated I could do what it takes to leave. Because of all the reasons I mentioned above, if it's just the porn, I will stay with him.
Ann, Lie detector tests can be manipulated, so I wouldn't waste time and money on that. I'd focus on seeing changes in his behavior. If he's willing to take a lie detector test then he should be willing to go to counseling to learn how to change his behavior. Counseling is something you can put some hope and trust in. -Kurt
Kurt, I wasn't too excited about the lie detector test either. I can't see any changes in his behavior cause it was completely hidden before. At home he acts like everything is fine, but I have no idea what he's doing when he's not home and absolutely no way to find out. We talked about building trust back, but how can I know if he's being trustworthy. I am supposed to just trust him with no evidence except the multitude of lies that I know he told me already. I don't feel good about this, I feel trapped. He's not gonna do the counseling because he says he doesn't need it, I don't believe him. I have no power, I just have to live completely at his mercy.
My husband looks at porn... he won't be with me no matter how hard bitty or beg... I do the same thing porn stars do, I would never say no to him... he just never asks me... I also have become a porn star Myself as a web cam self porn star... the same stuff he watches. .. we made our own videos for hmm but obviously they aren't good enough still for him... he gets just as hurt and upset when I do porn so why doesn't he understands it hurts me too.... the only reason why he wouldn't be with me is my body and age... I've had him four kids are I'm not 18 anymore. .. he's not brad Pitt either and he'll be 40 next year I just turned 26... you'd think that would be a reason to be attracted to me. .. nope he wants that young skinny girl I can never be without surgery. ... so it's pretty much made me where I am hopeless and I hate myself just as much as he does me...