Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
4 Min Read
Contents
Part 2 of 2
People wonder if there are certain characteristics common to midlife crisis men.
Yes, there are specific thoughts and behaviors that routinely contribute to midlife crisis in men.
In the first article on midlife crisis men we talked about Derek and Lauren (read more about Derek here: Midlife Crisis -- Is My Husband Having One?).
One of Lauren's nagging, unanswered questions about Derek’s midlife crisis has always been,
Why didn't he say or do something sooner?”
Often men (women too) don’t recognize the signs that they're experiencing a midlife crisis until they're deep into it. But by the time they realize what they’re really dealing with, if they ever do, a lot of damage has been already done.
A midlife crisis doesn’t announce itself as it’s setting in. Most of the time it creeps up on the person experiencing it, and then subsequently their family.
Typically, by the time things are really bad a lot of time has gone by, and things have gotten complicated and messy.
If, however, you know what to look for it’s possible to get help and potentially avoid some of the heartache.
Let's take a closer look at Derek and see if we can get a better idea why he didn't realize what he was facing.
Below are a few of Derek’s characteristics that may have contributed to his midlife crisis (these are Lauren's realizations and words, and have come out of her doing women's counseling at Guy Stuff):
Lauren was right to be concerned as she noticed these things in Derek. Although they had been present for some time, his intensifying behavior reached a crisis level and began to not just damage but destroy their relationship.
Since I’ve been counseling him there are some additional things I've noticed about Derek's actions and how he's handled his unhappiness. These are also some pretty common characteristics of midlife crisis men.
See if you recognize any of these in yourself or someone you know:
But Derek never shared those thoughts with Lauren.
But Derek never reached out for help
He's told Lauren that it's not her fault -- the old,
It's not you, it's me."
But if that's the case, how is Derek's leaving really fixing his problems?
Can you relate to Derek in any way?
If you can’t personally relate to Derek, maybe you know someone just like him. His story is actually not uncommon at all.
What about Lauren and the problems she’s having with a husband like Derek?
If you’re concerned that you or someone you love is displaying characteristics of a midlife crisis, keep these things in mind:
Sadly, many men think a lot like Derek and try to fix their unhappiness using the same thinking and actions that caused the unhappiness in the first place. Unfortunately, midlife crisis men often create their own midlife crisis (another common characteristic).
So, don't be a Derek. Get some help.
This is the second article of two discussing midlife crisis men. Read more about Derek and Lauren in the first article: Midlife Crisis -- Is My Husband Having One? Sign-up for our Blog below and get notified of other articles on men and relationships like this one.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 19, 2010, it was updated on April 24, 2018, and again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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Dr. Kurt,
Is my husband having a midlife crisis?
I don't know how much detail I need:
I found out he's been having an "inappropriately close friendship" (his words) with his ugly 23 year old coworker (he's 42, I'm 39 - been together for 23 years and married for 5) over the summer and he's refused to pull back from her in any way. He swears over and over that they are just "close friends" and he hid this friendship from me because he felt guilty since I wouldn't let him have any female friends (not true).
She texts him CONSTANTLY at all hours, all day long, every single day since the end of April. She invites him to things and communicates with him like he doesn't have a wife - which I know he doesn't help with. I found out twice that he's been secretly snapchatting her behind my back. He goes out with her late at night, goes out drinking and getting drunk with her and her 23 year old friends until early morning hours, etc.
I confronted her asking if they were having an affair and she never responded to me. She continued to text him, snapchat him, call him, hang out with him, etc as if nothing happened. The next day she talked to him until midnight! I've threatened that if he filed for divorce that I would bring her in on it and have her deposed. This did not deter her either even though I'm quite serious about it. She continues her behavior as though nothing is happening and she is not a problem. He swears she has nothing to do with this and he's not cheating...except for having an emotional affair with her that he barely acknowledges is an emotional affair since "they are just friends."
After fighting about her one night at the beginning of August when I said I didn't want him to be friends with her anymore, he told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce. Of course, we could still be friends! Friends with benefits even! And we could still go to each other's family holidays! We may even get back together in the future!
He wanted a divorce because he'd been unhappy (even though he never told me this before and the issues he laid out were either completely catastrophized and exaggerated, not true, or they were normal things most couples deal with) only to roll it back 20 minutes later saying he really didn't want a divorce and he did have some feelings of "in love" for me in there.
For the next nearly 2 weeks he would tell me he loved me, he felt like he'd already worked through many of our issues, and things looked good for us.
Then he went out drinking with his "friend" one night (until 2:30am and then talked on the phone for another hour after that) after telling her we were separating. She supposedly said she didn't want to be friends outside of work due to our separation (we separated for 2 weeks). That lasted all of 20 minutes before they were texting up a storm again.
Two days later, he said wanted the divorce after all and repeated that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. I asked why he told me he did love me and things looked good, but he gave me four different answers. The answers to most questions can change 5 minutes later.
He told me he still wanted to take back the divorce, but he had to remain steadfast. I asked if we'd be in divorce talks if I said I was okay with them being friends and he said "probably not, but we would eventually because we really do have issues." because this really is about our issues, not her. It's' just bad timing with her!
The rest of August, all of September, and the beginning of October, he made no moves toward divorce. Sometimes he'd threaten me with moving out or filling out the paperwork and filing it immediately when he'd get mad or frustrated, but he wouldn't do it. He'd scream at me saying he had no positive feelings for me left and he just wanted to get away from me, but no moves towards divorce. Then he'd soften and say "We don't have to file it right away" and he'd be affectionate with me to the point where I wondered if he was having second thoughts but he'd laugh and say no if I asked. He once mentioned having a thought about proposing to me properly the second time around.
His moods change constantly. Sometimes he'll be mean for days, sometimes he'll be mean for half the day. I'd wake up and he'd be sexual or affectionate and nice then he'd be cold and distant after work. When I'd bring this up, he'd tell me it was in my head. Also, he says I take his affection the wrong way or that too is in my head. He's never been so sexist before but now he loves to employ all that sexist BS of gaslighting me and telling me I'm paranoid and crazy. He tells me he doesn't respect our relationship and doesn't have to care about my feelings anymore because we're divorcing. Our 23 year relationship means nothing to him now - why should it? He loves to say mean things to me or being cruelly direct. He often treats me contemptuously and worse than he would a stranger. Often, when I'm trying to talk to him about us (crying and pouring my heart out) he'll pull out his phone and start texting her in front of me. I'll yell at him to put the phone down 10-11 times, but he refuses and sits there smiling and texting her.
He often just takes off, especially when he gets mad, to go driving until god knows what time or hang out with her. Asking him questions makes him have outbursts. It's like I'm talking to a teenager most of the time. He's evasive and tells me I try to control him when sometimes I'm just asking questions about how he's feeling.
Twice he's said he should talk to someone - but only after we're divorced. Once he said he should because maybe he has anger management issues that he thought I was lying or exaggerating until now. Now he thinks there could be something to it since a few coworkers have mentioned it. After saying this, he quickly reverts back to saying he doesn't think he has any issues that need a therapist because he's of sound mind. He's also admitted to past depression but he doesn't think anything is wrong with him now.
He filed for divorce last week but told me a couple hours later I had until December (our hearing) for him to change his mind and he'd consider the things I had to say about reconnecting and falling back in love. He still hasn't told his family.
In the past two weeks he's acknowledged that we have a good relationship, our issues are fixable, we fit well together, I'm a "fantastic" partner, we're great in bed, and he could fall back in love with me. But he says the little things piled up. He's admitted that he doesn't want to lose me, he'd be sad if he never saw or talked to me again, and doesn't really want to see me with anyone else, but he's taking the risk. He's choosing not to work on things because he wants to be alone. He has to be alone to work on his issues properly. He needs to be free and completely independent because marriage is too stifling. Merely telling someone "I'm going to go do this" is too much of an infringement of his freedom. He says he relies on me too much emotionally - which isn't true - and he really needs to work on being this super independent guy.
After his extremely stressful job, his mom's death a few years ago, and his financial troubles at the beginning of this year, he's really regressed emotionally. I tried to tell him that he's been employing this strategy for a while now and it hasn't been working too well for him so why try it harder? He admitted last night that while, yes, he's thought about things, it doesn't mean he made the decision to leave me on sound logic and he's said "Maybe this is my own bullsh--, but...." So I feel like there is some awareness in there, but he really doesn't think he needs to talk to anyone.
The past three days he's told me he does have love for me deep inside him (in love) but also says he has a high level of indifference and he tries to make himself more indifferent because he wants this divorce. Of course, he still sleeps with me in our bed and still has sex with me.
Is there hope? Is this a midlife crisis or is there something else going on (sociopathy or a normal run of the mill lying cheating jerk)? If it's a midlife crisis, is there a way I can get him to talk to you?
Anne, I am sorry to hear about your distress. It certainly sounds like you and your husband are experiencing a difficult time. Although I applaud and support your dedication to your marriage, I would also suggest that you take care of yourself and set some boundaries. Unfortunately this is not the right forum for me to offer a diagnosis for your - a MLC can be very complicated. I would need to speak with him directly in order to offer meaningful help. I think the idea of therapy is a good one and would benefit both of you. If you would like to reach out to me, my contact information is at the top and bottom of our webpage. I wish you all the best. -Dr. Kurt
Hello Anne, please I really need to talk with you. I’m going through the precise thing as you are. Please I really someone with I can relate to on this tradgedy I am faced with. Thank you so much
Dr. Kurt,
I am yet another wife left after 23 years together. No one seems to prepare men or women for the MLC. Once it hits, it appears to be too late. I spent 5 years trying to reach and/or support my husband through his MLC (which he of course he does not recognize as such). I am now told that he was never in love with me (we would both agree that that our loves was not a crazy head over heels feeling, but I felt deep love and affection for him, which was only tempered by his deep and cruel rejection of me). He began heavy drinking to avoid his feelings of lack of passion (I tried to engage him in sex therapy to bring us physically closer, he rejected me with substantial anger at the suggestion). He has said "life is a tragedy," "I want to feel passion and romance while I still have a chance to be happy." He has had emotional affairs and almost had a girlfriend as part of his idea of an "open marriage." He is finally considering addiction treatment for alcohol abuse, and is also addicted to online pornography. The list goes on. My main point in writing is that given how profoundly endemic this problem is, and the devastation that it leaves in its wake, is to suggest that there ought to be some sort of warning when you get married. When one person (usually the man) hides their thoughts and discomfort, ignores their partners request to address the issues, and then abruptly leaves telling them they were never "the one," this is not "growing apart," this is one person leaving the relationship without letting the other person know and be able to have their own agency. I stood by for my own economic security, and also with the hope that we could find a way to reconnect. The advice to give a man in a MLC space and time is not enough, because they are not awake to what they are experiencing. My own husband was shocked that I insist he leave "our" house when he announced he was taking a girlfriend whether I accepted it or not. I what what he "needed." I think the advice to spouses should be early in to watch for signs of the MLC, and make clear to their spouses that this moment requires full on attention to the relationship and the consequences of moving through this deep dark period unconsciously. Space should only be given with the firm understanding that the MLC partner is holding a bomb, BEFORE things have gone too far. The bomb can only be diffused with conscious attention. In my case the bomb went off, and after 23 years I am faced with the message that my husband was never truly happy in our marriage (something he NEVER articulated or sought help to understand) - that I never brought him happiness, because he never experienced deep infatuation with me. His addictions and emotional infidelity are certainly evidence enough that he failed to develop the emotional intelligence to treat our partnership with maturity and respect. Please find a way to get the word out to couples and to MEN in particular to watch for the MLC and prepare ahead of time. I'm sure not every marriage can be saved, but without forthought it's pretty much hopeless once the MLC has had its way with a partner. David Wexler has a great book entitled "when good men behave badly," which details the underlying emotional repression that leads men to act destructively in such a frighteningly predictable manner. Good reading for anyone who has been through this. Men need to know that more needing to take "space" (which I think is valid) the need to WAKE UP EARLY in their lives and act consciously and with care. It is the cruel hiding of the dark feelings, and the being written out of your partners idea of "happiness" that creates the deepest wounds in those left behind. Don't just tell partners to be patient while their SO twists in the wind and makes their lives incredibly painful. Make the condition of that "space" therapy, individual and couple, and that any changes in the relationship has to come from BOTH sides.
Robin, I am sorry to hear about the pain and difficulties you are experiencing. You message is well articulated and I largely agree with you. Thank you for taking time to share your thoughts. I hope others can learn from your experience and wish you all the best in finding happiness. -Dr. Kurt
Robin I totally agree that when it hits it appears to be to late, at least I feel like that was the case for me. For 22 yrs. we loved each other deeply, we didn’t just love but were in love. I was an at home wife and mother to 3 children then after 22 yrs. of marriage my world came crashing down and my husband suddenly changed, he became bored and discontent with everything in his life, doing things he had never done to me throughout our 22 yrs. of marriage. He took a huge interest in young women. Constantly starring at them with lust in his eyes in front of me then comparing me to women my daughters age saying so what I look at girls prettier and hotter then you and think about what I want to do to them. I know for sure he has been cheating. He became very mentally and emotionally abusive toward me. He constantly starred at them no matter where we were rather then paying me mind then would criticize me in every possible way he could. He criticized my body so bad that I underwent a tummy tuck I didn’t need to try to make my husband happy with the way I looked, biggest mistake of my life. He tried to make me and everyone else who knows me believe I’m crazy. He would tell me I see and imagine things he does and says. He has lied and manipulated everyone we know including my own family and my children and has been using them as weapons against me to hurt me filling their heads with all lies. The anger and rage in him for the last 7 yrs. has been tremendous, kicking in doors and punching a hole in the wall. Cursing things from his childhood, screaming and blaming me for the only source of his anger, rage, frustration and unhappiness. In his eyes I was now his enemy. We went to therapy individually and as a couple for 7 yrs. with countless therapists and he convinced all of them I had low self esteem and was crazy and imagined everything he did and said and that he was the greatest husband in the world. He became a huge narcissist. He had no empathy for anything he did or said to me. If he did or said something to me he would turn it around back on me and say I did it or said it to him and has made everyone believe it as well as him also truly believing his own lies. I would actually say he lost his mind but he has strategically planned out so many things for 7 yrs going behind my back to people telling his lies about me that I only now have been finding out since the divorce started. That is the work of a narcisist. The very last therapist we saw told me he was in a midlife crisis and was lost. She told me to leave him for a couple of weeks that sometimes it wakes them up. After 6 weeks nothing and he didn’t want me to come back. I did nothing but cry for 7 yrs and wondered what I ever did to him to deserve this and after 29 yrs of marriage i realized it was nothing I did, this was all him. I lifted myself up somehow gained strength within me and grew tremendously strong in my faith and at that point he knew his head games with me weren’t working anymore and he lost control over me. He started telling me go ahead and divorce me you have no job, no money and look at you nobody would want you go ahead leave, I’ll leave you homeless in the street with nothing. I guess his only way left to hurt me was to stop supporting me financially seeing for 29 yrs. I never worked in the marriage and to turn my children and family against me. He just stopped supporting me last year after playing control games with money and has not fed me nor supported me financially for the last year. It started with I left you money but when I would look it wasn’t there and he would have an excuse like, well you didn’t answer me when I asked a question, you weren’t talking to me, excuse after excuse. If not for my parents I don’t know what I would have done. We are now currently in the middle of a divorce where he is lying his head off about me and things I’ve done in legal papers and is trying to leave me with nothing and trying get alimony from me. Yes if you can believe he is trying to get alimony from a non working spouse of 29 yrs. with no education or career that even the judge could not believe this. There is way to much to my story and things he has done and said to me throughout the last 7 yrs. but as of now we still live in the same house as were going through our divorce, I don’t look his way or stay anywhere in the house around him, I stay mostly in my own bedroom away from him when he’s in the house and haven’t said a single word to him in 8 months. He walks around like nothing is wrong in life but is apparently still angry and yells in the house at times taking a lot of his anger out on one of my daughters now since he can’t provoke me anymore because I don’t feed into him. I have learned in my 7 year experience that a husbands midlife crisis is nothing a wife could ever imagine. It is a living hell. What I have learned is and my advice to any women that may notice a sudden change for the worse in their husband and believe they might be in a midlife crisis, there is NOTHING you can do to bring him out of it. He is the only one who can when and if he ever does come out. After 7 yrs mine still hasn’t and it doesn’t seem like he’s going to. He is on a quest for his younger yrs. with girls. He wants to be free to go where he wants, do what he wants, when and how he wants and with any girl he wants. He is the teenager I dated for 7 yrs prior to our 29 yr marriage. Just know that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Take care of and worry about yourself and your children and go on with your life and lift yourself in any positive way you can because you will only bring yourself down if you feed into the monster they become. The more I loved, pleased, answered my husband, was nice to him, gave him everything he said he wanted and needed or stood up for myself, no matter what I tried or did is the more he blamed me and hated me. I felt hopeless and alone because he hid everything he did to me so well that my own children living in my house didn’t see what he has been doing to me. He would provoke an argument or fight with me knowing how bad I suffer from anxiety when he knew my kids were coming in and I would be saying things back to him or yelling and he would say to them, see what she does to me. Every time I thought I had seen the worst he could do he would shock me with something worse. Though He broke me down so bad that at one point was so depressed and had zero self esteem and was so hopeless and felt so alone and still live in the same home going through my divorce and the stress, worry, anxiety and heartache I’ve gone through, still go through, and see my children go through, I found love and happiness within myself again and I go about my life secure knowing I will be alright no matter what because anything in my future has to be better then being abused so bad for 7 yrs. and living in the hell I’ve been in. I wake up and go to bed grateful for the biggest and smallest blessings I’m given every single day no matter how good or bad my day is. I meditate, listen to up beat music, try to get out as much as I can, I go to therapy twice a week and try to have nothing but positive thoughts in my head. I am now able to laugh again and I only surround myself with only positive people who support me in my life not negative people like him or that he has made believe the worst about me with his lies. I now walk around shining my love and happiness onto others and it helps me as well. Please know if I can get through it so can you and know that you are stronger then you think you are no matter what the situation is whether similar to mine or different. Please know there is always somewhere or someone to turn to, to talk to. Know that you are not alone. Try your hardest to focus on putting yourself and your children first if you have any and go on with your life and let him be and know and believe that things will turn out the best for you no matter if he comes out of it and you stay married or wind up divorced like me. YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT AND YOU WILL BE OK. I wish you all the best.
Dear Dr. Kurt
I thought I was the only one. My husband told me almost a year ago, "I love you but I am not in love with you". After a few months he tells me he is not happy in this marriage. I am so confused. We still go out with each other. We still have great sex. He just brought me a nice cash car. He pays all the bills and I can't seem to find a job right now because of health reason. From reading these comments. I wondering is this a MLC he is having?
Hi
My adored husband of 34 years has just walked out on me for the ten year younger woman- leaving me shattered and broken. Everyone in our lives including our three gorgeous kids and family and friends are as shocked as I am. To try and understand how the good kind devoted loving father and husband has disappeared and the person we see now I don’t even know. Thus is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced and now I’ve lost my best friend and the person who was always there for me through thick and thin is hard to bear. I can only hope I will eventually have the strength to find happiness someday.