What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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One of the most important components of a healthy marriage is physical intimacy. This doesn’t mean you should be swinging from the chandeliers every night, but intimacy – both physical and emotional – is crucial. So, what does that mean for your relationship if your husband has a low sex drive?
A sex life that needs life support isn’t uncommon in a marriage, especially after kids, years together, and physical changes that come with age. But if your husband has a low sex drive when you’re young and newly married it’s a little different. And that’s the situation Gloria found herself in not long ago.
Check out Gloria’s question and concerns below along with my response that follows.
Reader Question:
My husband says he has a low sex drive. I'm a female in my late twenties and recently married. Right before my husband and I got married, I found out he had recently done things that were unfaithful with other women (not sex, but dates, sexual text messaging, visiting personals websites). When I confronted him, he said he did those things because he was essentially scared by our pending marriage. There was no pressure for us to get married, he had asked me without me ever suggesting it, and after what happened I suggested we postpone the wedding and he insisted we not. It was a struggle, but we decided to stay together and he has tried ever since to show me he's a faithful husband.
My problem is that after only eight months of marriage, my husband won't have sex with me. This was a bit of a problem before we were married, but now it's down to us only having sex once every two months, if that. I am in great physical shape. I get hit on and asked out a lot by men of all ages. I dress cute and respectable. I'm a hard worker, take good care of myself, and I'm intelligent. I've always been open to whatever appeals to my husband (which is still a mystery to me). I feel my husband and I have respect for each other and he's very affectionate. He says he's more attracted to me than anyone. I don't understand why my husband won't have sex with me. He says he just has a low sex drive.
I'm trying to accept this while still trying to overcome my fear of his interest in other women. Once in a while I wonder if this whole time he's been having an affair and that's why my husband won't have sex with me. I know only he could really tell me if that's the case, but how should I pursue this? I've tried talking to him numerous times and it just embarrasses him and makes me have low self esteem. One last note: We saw a commercial about 'Low T' (low testosterone in men) and low sex drive and he said, 'I must have that.' and when I told him to look at the website he said it would be embarrassing." -Gloria C.
It’s easy to assume if a man isn’t interested in sex he must have a physical problem. That’s typically a mistaken assumption, however. Read my answer below to see what I mean.
My Answer:
Low sex drive in men is more common than most people think. But it usually has less to do with biology, like low testosterone, and more to do with the relationships men have with the women in their lives.
I often hear men say something like this, "I just don't want to be anywhere near her." Not surprisingly, they also have a low sex drive -- at least towards her. Obviously, your husband hasn't lost sexual interest in all women, since it's only been a few months since he was sexting other women.
Be careful not to get distracted by what are most likely excuses - scared of commitment, low sex drive, low testosterone, etc.
I can guarantee you there are some deeper issues going on and working through them together can bring back the intimacy. Make an appointment to see a marriage counselor and get some help. You need some expert help discovering what to do. And if he won't go with you to see a marriage counselor, go without him.
Many men feel too embarrassed to discuss issues in their sex life with anyone, including a counselor or physician. Although many will ultimately find themselves in counseling for this issue or others it causes (and rightly so), there are some things you can try first to make it an easier transition.
Consider how you’re approaching things with your partner. A man’s identity and self-esteem is often linked to his sexual ability. No matter how frustrated you are, or even how hurt you might feel, understand that recriminations, distain, pity, or insulting remarks will drive things backwards and make the situation worse. So, approach this problem with care.
With that in mind, consider the following suggestions:
Understand these suggestions may help, but they also may not. If your husband has low sex drive be prepared to take things a step further by seeking counseling for both of you. But don’t give up. Change is always possible.
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll try to answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up at the bottom of this page so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 28, 2010 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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My husband has a low sex drive. We've been married 16 years and have 2 children (9 and 14). He has a very stressful job and attributes that as the reason. We have sex about 4 or 5 times a year, and it is almost always me who initiates it. Actually, I'm pretty sure it's always me. When we do have sex it's very good, very loving and both of us are well satisfied but, what gives? I know that he uses porn and masturbates and it bothers me that he doesn't come to me to fill those needs. Not to too my own horn but I'm considered a very attractive woman. I don't nag him about this because I'm afraid to make the situation worse but it hurts me that he doesn't make passes at me or that he isn't filled with desire for me. Except for this one aspect, we are happily married. He's a very nice man, although to be honest he can be selfish and a bit childish at times. I go out of my way to be a good supportive partner. He tells me I'm a great wife. The few times we've discussed this he's assured me that it's not me, that he is attracted to me, but that he's always had a lower drive compared to other men. But then what's up with the masturbation/internet porn? I don't know what to do anymore. It's depressing. I don't want a divorce but I feel like this is a very VERY big price to pay. I'm getting older now (I'm now 50) so granted, an active sex life is less of a concern but it makes me sad that for the past 18 years (that's how long we've been together) that part of my life was always lacking and, being realistic, if it wasn't active back then it's certainly not going to improve in a major way now.
Hi Lynne, I know its been a while since you posted this. Just wondering if you ever had his Tesxtosterone level checked? Although thats not always the reason but it definately affects mens libido. My husbands T level has been raised for over 3 years now and he still wont have sex with me. He makes excuses but i dont by them. I think its either me or its psychological and would just rather masterbate than be with me. If we do have sex he cant finish due to decreased sensitivity in his penis. I think chronic masterbation over the years killed his nerve endings and now hes broken. I hate it and resent him for it. And for not talking to me about it or not trying to fix the problem besides getting hormone replacement therapy to increase his testosterone levels to a therapuetic range. At one point he was well over the 600-700 mark and still no increase in sex. I always have been a very sexual intimate person and hes slowly killing me with depression. Write back if you want.
I have been married for 2.5 years and after the first year discovered that my husband had been using porn, looking at women on social media for excitement, and fantasizing about those women and an ex while being intimate with me. The blow up was huge but we have toughed it out. He still doesn't like to really talk to me about such things but swears all that is in the past. However, I find that now he claims to have a low sex drive which is his reasoning for rejecting my offers to be intimate. If we are, it has to be on his terms. The cute outfits, flirtatious texts, affections, and attempts for me to initiate that men allegedly crave so desperately have quite the opposite affect. He says he loves me deeply, can't imagine life without me, and so on. However, it is quite hard not to notice the marked chang in libido after giving up the excitement of the visual stimulation from other women, leaving me to wonder if maybe he loves me, but isn't attracted to me. Perhaps the other women were the real attraction and I was a means to live out those fantasies. So when that gateway closed, so did the excitement for him.
I am in the same situation; dating sites, chat room flings, secret accounts under alias names, etc. & only 2 months after marriage, all sex drive was gone for my husband. I tried talking to him, sexy lingerie, sexting, anything to get his attention, only to be met with rejection. I suspected, because of his past behaviors with other women, that he was having a affair, but he denied it & convinced me I was crazy & needed to get a life so I can butt out of his. I found out about his affair at work & the affair partner quit her job (We all 3 work there) & in doing so, dumped him (she’s also married & her husband found out first). It’s been 3 months since their affair ended, and it lasted 6 months & he’s repeatedly told me it was only emotional (though I’ve been lied to for so long that I doubt I’ll get the truth without substantial evidence proving otherwise) but he still has no sex drive since it began. I don’t know if this is lacking because he isn’t over her, or maybe he resents me for some part of the affair ending, or maybe he is still doing online activities from before the affair that is taking his sexual energy from our marriage. Either way, I cannot stand feeling like I’m not good enough, fun enough, or pretty enough to be intimate with. We are in our early 30’s & he refuses to go to therapy (I’ve been going alone since thinking he was right about me being crazy- which was quickly proven false) & refuses to see a doctor to get testosterone levels checked (embarrassed & doesn’t want anyone or anything to ‘help’ him) & he spends a lot of time playing video games (just another way the virtual world is kept alive in his mind). I’m not sure what to do, I cannot make him change or be faithful, but things are really good between us when I hide my pain (he doesn’t comfort me when I cry so I don’t cry in front of him anymore) & when I don’t bring it up. Any suggestions to save our marriage? Also, it’s been a while since this original post, I hope things have improved for you & wish you the best of luck!