Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Is porn cheating? Or is it an acceptable choice?
Men watching porn (and increasingly women too) has become a more regular and destigmatized activity.
But what does that mean for a relationship?
Is porn cheating, or is it a legitimate way to get sexual stimulation without actually cheating?
But before that question can be answered, there are a few other questions that need to be asked and answered first.
The truth is that for most people porn is almost always watched alone and secretly. So, the next question is,
There are two primary viewpoints when it comes to whether porn is cheating.
Who’s right?
Before you answer that, let’s look more closely at what porn can do to you and your relationship.
Porn seems harmless enough, right?
No one is really getting hurt. People want to make it, and you want to watch it. No big deal.
Wrong – it can actually be a very big deal.
Whether you recognize it or not, looking at porn has an extremely negative effect on you and your relationship. Unfortunately, it’s often hard to see that effect until it’s pointed out.
Watching porn changes how we view sex and what we find stimulating. This then changes the sexual relationship with our current or (future partners).
Below are some examples of how porn can harm both those who watch and their partners.
Remember - female porn stars are paid to behave as they do on screen – they’re acting out male fantasies and not representative of most normal female behavior in bed.
Consider the effect on your partner when they realize they alone aren’t stimulating enough for you, and that you need to look at other women in order to get fully aroused, stay that way, and orgasm.
Many people struggle answering the question, "Is porn cheating?" Ultimately, each person has to decide for themselves.
But if your relationship is suffering because porn has negatively affected it, it certainly fits into the ‘that’s a problem’ category if nothing else.
“Okay, but it’s still not really cheating – is it?”
I hear this question quite a bit from couples for whom porn has become a problem.
Well-known psychologist Dr. Phil has addressed whether porn is cheating many times. Here are his thoughts from the article Is Internet Pornography Cheating? to help you in answering the question for yourself:
Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"? Here's what Dr. Phil believes [emphasis added]:
Ask yourself or your partner:
And most importantly,
I’m saying you need to consider all the aspects and effects of watching porn. It’s much more complicated than people want to believe.
Opinions on whether porn is cheating will vary.
But be careful not to default the easiest conclusion and accept that there's nothing wrong with looking at porn.
If you’re a partner, it’s okay to reject porn and place it in the cheating category if it makes you feel unattractive and betrayed. If this is the case, however, you’ll need to have a frank and open conversation with your partner.
If you’re the one looking at porn, perhaps the biggest determination as to whether porn in cheating is going to be how your partner feels about it.
Is your partner hurt when you watch porn? If so, it may not convince you that porn is cheating, but it should be enough for you to make an effort to stop out of love for them.
Porn is a very difficult topic to talk about, especially with your partner. Most people who watch porn naturally feel embarrassed and guilty about it. That guilt alone can make porn feel like cheating.
Many need professional assistance in changing their behavior when watching porn has become a habit that needs to stop. This process can also help you learn how to effectively talk to your partner about porn as well.
Get the guidance and understanding of an< expert in counseling men, who’s experienced in dealing with porn addictions to assist you if you believe porn is cheating and it has become a stumbling block in your relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on July 3, 2012, updated on September 11, 2018, June 1, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Let’s be honest, quitting porn can be tough. Learn how to handle withdrawl here.
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I don't know what to do. I confronted my husband about it and he says he watches the same amount as he did since we were together. I have looked at past history before and never found it. But now it is at least 3 to.4 times a week. He get really pissed off when I talk about it, and doesn't want to know how it makes me feel. He thinks I am over reacting. It really hurts to know that when we're intimate and the next morning he goes and watches porn and then again the following morning. I am not perfect and have done somethings I am not proud of. None of which are cheating, but I feel he is doing this because he can and has no respect for.me anymore. I feel he is only staying because of our two girls, but knowing he is watching and.mausterbating shows how little respect he has for our relationship and his girls. What should I do, I don't want him to leave me and take my kids too
I am lost and do not know what to do. I found my husband of 30 years on a webcam site. I questioned him and he admitted that he has been private chatting with women. We have had some intimacy problem for the last several months. I know we had drifted apart due to work and medical problems with both of us. He started working later and later. He wouldn't take me along on business trips. After his confession I knew there had to be a trail. I found it and I could cry all over again. We have a line of credit for our small business. The bill
Statement looks like a phone bill. Line after line of $250, $500 charges every day as many as 8 times a day. He spent $2800 in one day. He's spent our company money over 3 months time in excess of $50,000. He spent every dollar we had. He could not make payroll because the account was so low. He says he f$@&:/ up. Not that he was sorry. He justified what he did as needing to talk. Said it was Curiosity at first on the site but then as he talked he was asking why these girls in different countries did this for a living. So he has convinced his self that is was innocent. I am devastated. He wants me to accept the blame for his action. I moved to another room. I can't stand to look at him. He says I have to forgive him and come back to our bed and let it go. I told him we need professional
help. He refuses to go. I have to talk to someone. I need him to apologize to me. He is not sorry, though. He doesn't see it as a porn addiction. How can I get through to him? It seems important to him for me to come back in our room and move on. I want to talk to someone first. He has projected so much anger and hostility toward me over this. I was the one cheated on. Yes, I feel it was cheating. He has an inappropriate sexual online relationship with a paid prostitute who is naked while he masterbates at the expense of our company money that we cannot afford to loose.
Lynn, You're right when you say you guys need professional counseling and that he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Marriage therapy doesn't need both of you there to be beneficial - go on your own. In my experience, the other spouse wants to go once they see the other going. Having a professional, objective therapist to talk to for support is a good first step in getting your own feelings about this situation resolved. -Kurt
Call a lawyer asap
I found out my boyfriend has been watching porning, looking up nasty things on Bing (cause I guess he thinks I wouldn't see it) and on histogram. I've brought it up a few times about how it makes me feel etc and all he has to say is everyone does it and it's harmless, all the normal bs. The last time I found it He flipped out on me said it was a huge invasion of his privacy and that some things that bother us are better left unsaid, all before stating if I ever brought it up again we would be done. This morning, like every weekday morning, I went on his phone to check that he remembered to set his alarms for work, only this time what was on the screen was porn. So not only is he choosing to ignore my feelings about it but he is actively doing this with me sleeping beside him. I offer sex often and often he declines saying he's too tired. How do I work with him to change this behavior?
Lara, You can't change his behavior - he has to want to change. Porn addiction is tricky and he may not realize he's addicted. He will probably need to hear it from a professional, so try to find a local professional counselor. If he won't go with you, go without him. Usually the other spouse wants to come in once they see the other going. -Kurt
I've been with my husband for 9 years! 4 years ago I found it and I told him how much I hated it as it destroyed my parents marriage! He agreed and solomley sweared he would never do it again.. Then I caught him talking to girls for a lousy 89¢ per minute through web cam I literally wanted to die! We fought forever about it broke up and got back together when he said he had gotten help and did everything to change for me. Now it's 5 years later and I've caught him again and he says did you ever think maybe I have a problem? Well. This is a problem I will deal with no more! I love him but I won't beat myself up over the standards porn has set that I will never reach! Porn is cheating! And even worse it's considered and "okay" thing to do.. Sad I just lost my whole life to an addiction that in my opinion is just as bad as drugs.. Men think about your partners feelings is it really worth it? 🙁
Ashlee, It's good that you were honest with him about your feelings, but porn addiction is tricky, and most men do not realize they are addicted, nor do they realize there are side effects of this addiction and because of this, usually need professional counseling to recover from it. -Kurt
You're right
He says he's embarrassed to seek help which is annoying because so many people go to get help and it's not an embarrassing thing at all!!
So I've known my BF since 86, we are now together, for about 2 yrs. I saw on the history ALL the porn he had been watching. DISGUSTED about it I approached him, all he had to say "Ive done it since I was 10" I explained how it makes me feel and that I think of it as cheating. He SLOWED down on it but is it true?? Our sex is "waterfalls" and he says he's satisfied so WHY does he need to go look at some one's DAUGHTER exploiting themselves? Anyway just the other day I saw on his phone he downloaded videos of porn, I mean really??? He left a porn site opened on his laptop and when I turned it to use I saw it. Took a pic and texted to him asking him if it was his way of letting me know something? He said again...I've been doing it since I was 10 and that's me,if you dont like it oh well...." I love him to the moon and back but I need to love MYSELF a little more and maybe decide to make a final decision on our relationship.
Nadine, Your boyfriend is probably addiction to porn and doesn't realize it. Usually it takes hearing it from a professional counselor. Like all addictions, he has to want to get help. -Kurt