Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Contents
Is porn cheating? Or is it an acceptable choice?
Men watching porn (and increasingly women too) has become a more regular and destigmatized activity.
But what does that mean for a relationship?
Is porn cheating, or is it a legitimate way to get sexual stimulation without actually cheating?
But before that question can be answered, there are a few other questions that need to be asked and answered first.
The truth is that for most people porn is almost always watched alone and secretly. So, the next question is,
There are two primary viewpoints when it comes to whether porn is cheating.
Who’s right?
Before you answer that, let’s look more closely at what porn can do to you and your relationship.
Porn seems harmless enough, right?
No one is really getting hurt. People want to make it, and you want to watch it. No big deal.
Wrong – it can actually be a very big deal.
Whether you recognize it or not, looking at porn has an extremely negative effect on you and your relationship. Unfortunately, it’s often hard to see that effect until it’s pointed out.
Watching porn changes how we view sex and what we find stimulating. This then changes the sexual relationship with our current or (future partners).
Below are some examples of how porn can harm both those who watch and their partners.
Remember - female porn stars are paid to behave as they do on screen – they’re acting out male fantasies and not representative of most normal female behavior in bed.
Consider the effect on your partner when they realize they alone aren’t stimulating enough for you, and that you need to look at other women in order to get fully aroused, stay that way, and orgasm.
Many people struggle answering the question, "Is porn cheating?" Ultimately, each person has to decide for themselves.
But if your relationship is suffering because porn has negatively affected it, it certainly fits into the ‘that’s a problem’ category if nothing else.
“Okay, but it’s still not really cheating – is it?”
I hear this question quite a bit from couples for whom porn has become a problem.
Well-known psychologist Dr. Phil has addressed whether porn is cheating many times. Here are his thoughts from the article Is Internet Pornography Cheating? to help you in answering the question for yourself:
Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"? Here's what Dr. Phil believes [emphasis added]:
Ask yourself or your partner:
And most importantly,
I’m saying you need to consider all the aspects and effects of watching porn. It’s much more complicated than people want to believe.
Opinions on whether porn is cheating will vary.
But be careful not to default the easiest conclusion and accept that there's nothing wrong with looking at porn.
If you’re a partner, it’s okay to reject porn and place it in the cheating category if it makes you feel unattractive and betrayed. If this is the case, however, you’ll need to have a frank and open conversation with your partner.
If you’re the one looking at porn, perhaps the biggest determination as to whether porn in cheating is going to be how your partner feels about it.
Is your partner hurt when you watch porn? If so, it may not convince you that porn is cheating, but it should be enough for you to make an effort to stop out of love for them.
Porn is a very difficult topic to talk about, especially with your partner. Most people who watch porn naturally feel embarrassed and guilty about it. That guilt alone can make porn feel like cheating.
Many need professional assistance in changing their behavior when watching porn has become a habit that needs to stop. This process can also help you learn how to effectively talk to your partner about porn as well.
Get the guidance and understanding of an< expert in counseling men, who’s experienced in dealing with porn addictions to assist you if you believe porn is cheating and it has become a stumbling block in your relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on July 3, 2012, updated on September 11, 2018, June 1, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
Let’s be honest, quitting porn can be tough. Learn how to handle withdrawl here.
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Michael,
You are a misogynist. You are so far deep in your messed up views about women and how men should treat women that you legitimately believe there is login in your words. "Insecure women"??? "Stay in the other room?? What kind of sick thinking is that towards someone you are supposed to love and respect? No. These women who have a problem with porn are no insecure, in fact quite the opposite. Women who respect themselves know they deserve better.
Michael, you need to take every behavior you expect women to accept and turn it around. What if men were expected to be treated this way? If you were expected to be treated as a lesser person than a woman and to put up with things that tore you down and disrespected your worth, you would be enraged and complain at how horrible women are and how taken for granted you are, and so on.
As a man, it makes me incredibly frustrated that these kinds of sickening belief systems still permeate our society.
Women, do not listen to men like Michael. Porn IS cheating. I am not religious, but I am spiritual, and I believe faithful is a body, mind, and spirit experience. What you think about is part of who you are. What you desire is part of who you are. It is not out of your control, it is a choice. Men who justify porn are unawakened men who live their lives sleepwalking and making excuses for being crappy men, rather than evolving into great men. Porn is insanely unhealthy. It is a reflection of someone who does not respect women, and who views sex as a lower energy experience without any clue to the true purpose of sexuality. Men who truly love and respect themselves and love and respect women have no desire for porn. I promise you, we exist, and we mean it! Don't let men like this lower your expectations of sexuality and love, this isn't something you have to accept! Love yourselves, know you deserve better then these kinds of men, and wait for the man who will truly love you and be faithful to you in the way your heart desires.
Thanks a lot James. Spoken like a real man. Thank you, & thank goodness that there are men like you who actually exist on planet Earth!
Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years now and we have 2 kids. My oldest was from another relationship and my youngest with him. He has a really big problem with watching porn... I caught him one morning taking care of himself when I walked in on him. Asked him what he was doing and told me nothing.. He's been working off island and every time I check his phone he's been watch porn almost everyday. I get sick to my stomach asking myself if I was ever good enough in bed for him or what. I asked him why he does it and he doesn't tell me anything and if I asked him to stop watching it he would blow up and tell me why you can't tell me what I can and can't watch... I really need your guys help with this I feel that it's taking over him and this relationship that we have!!
Kaila, Porn Addiction is a big issue and he may not even realize he could be addicted. Read the articles under the blog topic Porn Addiciton to learn more about it and what he can do. -Kurt
Kaila,
You deserve better than this, and so do your children. When men watch porn, it's, not just about the porn. The porn is a symptom of how he views women and relationships in general... and those beliefs he has are not healthy. Look at how he responds to you about it... with disrespect.
I can't advise you on what to do with your life and children's lives, but I can tell you this...
1. It isn't right for you to put up with this. This isn't healthy. This isn't what women should have to put up with... EVER. You deserve real love, and this is not love.
2. It's not your responsibility to fix him, and you can't anyways, he needs to choose to evolve as a man, and only he can do that.
My heart breaks for women like you and I truly hope that wherever your life takes you, you and your children are guided to true love and respect.
Me and my boyfriend have been together more than a year now, every now and then his collection of pictures of naked women causes us to fight, and the sad thing is I can sense that he is more willing to give up on our relationship than to give up on his porn addiction. That's just so heartbreaking, I can't do anything about it because for him he is normal because he said everybody does it, and I must accept him. Why can't he understand that it is tearing me apart?
Karen, Your boyfriend may not realize he is addicted to porn. Many men don't see it until they hear it from a professional counselor, and often, they can't stop without professional help. -Kurt
He has plenty of pictures of naked women, like a hundred of them, and he watches it everyday or every other day, that is why I considered it addiction already. And I know it would be hard for him to understand me because he said that all his friends do it, even his own father does it.
I was wondering why pictures on a computer, or in magazines cause you to be "torn up"? Is it that you think he has a relationship with the pictures? Or that he likes them better than you? This is something I don't understand about women. How can something which men consider to be a recreational activity be such a life-changing, marriage wrecking mess to women? If you are able to put it into words, please explain exactly what it is about porn that creates such anger in you. For me, looking at pictures of naked women is a tool for getting off. It helps me to fantasize and the fantasies help me to climax when I'm masturbating. Sorry to be graphic, but that what I use it for. And since I'm an average man, I think most others do the same. But the pictures have no more significance to me than any other recreational activity. How can this be so painful for women? Please explain.
first of all women are not a recreational activity and the fact that you consider them so speaks volumes.
Lol masturbating is the activity, the hot naked women are only an end to that means. Here's my solution- be hotter and you'll get more attention from your man (or men)..
I'm not a counselor, but, firstly, with regards to the topic of porn, I think this blog is here to help counsel men who KNOW that they have a problem with it. Secondly, many women can be hot, but their spouse, etc. still prefers porn, they can't comprehend why he uses it, so they seek advice here from a counselor like Kurt. Thirdly, I guess men and women think differently... Generally (but not all!), bluntly put, men are more into physical satisfaction whilst for us women, we're more into the emotional. You have to also take care of us emotionally to make us really happy. Not everything is just about sex. OK, I think I should leave the rest for Kurt.
Derok, telling a woman to be hotter is such a cop out bro. Watching porn is also planting unrealistic expectations into our minds of how women are supposed to engage in sex with all the choking, and violent sexual images put out there. It's not the woman in our life that needs to change. It's us. How would we like it as men if the porn industry revolved around showing men being put in situations sexually that we wouldn't really like and then our girlfriends or wives couldn't get off because it wasn't like what she watched on porn?
It's time for us to man up and stop treating women as though our own wrong doings are all their fault. We need laws on how easy it is to access porn and the types of themes involved aren't good for relationships and it tears families apart!
I was stupid and lost the love of my life. Now she's married to someone who treats her better 🙁 I didn't even care she was gone for months until it hit me one day...she found someone else. Seeing her in his arms going on vacations, treating her to romantic candle lit dinners, and all the stuff I didn't care to do because I was too busy playing video games and watching porn. It's a tough habit to break but now I don't even want to watch it. I see what it did to me and my relationship and how hard it was for me to get off because my girlfriend wouldn't do what the actresses in porn did. Now I realize, they get paid to pretend to like it and not all women want to do that nor should they be expected to.
This is all being done on purpose to mess up our connections as female and male partners.
I have always been a wild female with my spouse of 13 years....I do things the porn queens dont even know how....its useless to try to "fix" a man with this addiction. Its an illness. If you dont like it....save yourself the time and heartache...cut him free. They never stop. It only escalates and they become more deceptive and learn to keep alot worse secrets.