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Here’s a common predicament we encounter daily – a wife is ready to get help, but says, “My husband won’t go to marriage counseling.”
Most people don’t start their marriages planning on needing marriage counseling. But for many couples -
and the busyness of life in general takes a toll on their marriage.
Eventually the connection you felt at the beginning can break down.
When this happens marriage counseling is helpful to get things back on track and strengthen the relationship.
But what happens when one partner (usually the husband) won’t go to marriage counseling?
At Guy Stuff we see this frequently.
A couple’s marriage is no longer what it used to be and one partner wants help, while the other wants to ignore it believing everything will eventually be alright. It rarely ever works out that way, however.
This is what Mary wants to know. Her marriage is suffering and she’s looking for help. Unfortunately, her husband doesn’t see things the same way.
Take a look at Mary’s question and my response to her.
Reader Question:
HELP! My husband and I have 4 kids. Well, I have 4, he and I have 2 (you'll see why I made the separation). The reason I chose to contact you is because I am pulling my husband’s teeth (as we speak) to get counseling to happen! He does not believe in telling a stranger our problems, let alone paying a stranger to "fix" them. Simply put, we're on the verge of separation or possibly even divorce after 7 years married (ten together). Our issues range from financial (his primary complaint and excuse), to my older children (discipline, their Dad, etc.), his short temper/crappy attitude (my complaints). Things are out of control and the marriage has lost mutual respect and affection and been replaced with animosity and the cold shoulder. My husband won't go to marriage counseling. What do I do?" -Mary B.
Mary’s situation isn’t that unusual.
Many men assume they can handle all problems, even marital ones, on their own. Talking to a stranger can feel like a sign of weakness. Mary’s correct though, without help it’s not likely that things are going to get better, so counseling is a logical choice.
Below is my advice to her.
My Answer:
You're far from alone, Mary. Many women have husbands or boyfriends who refuse to go to counseling.
There are a lot of reasons why men don't want to go to counseling.
Among them are,
Some wives suggest marriage counseling for years to no avail.
They ask their husbands to go over and over again, even find a "guy friendly" counselor like me, but they never end up going because every time they mention it, he refuses.
Just this week a wife contacted us to schedule an appointment for her and her husband, but when he refused to go she gave up.
Unfortunately, my husband will not come so I will not need the appointment time. Thank you and I'm sorry I wasted your time."
Sound familiar?
What wives need to understand is that you don't need him to go to counseling for you to go yourself or for your relationship to change. It may sound counterintuitive to attend marriage counseling solo, but it’s actually a very powerful step that can result in positive changes.
Here are some things that can happen when women come by themselves for marriage counseling:
So, what do you do when your husband, fiancée, or boyfriend won't go to counseling?
Go without him.
If you’ve been thinking about marriage counseling, there’s a reason. Waiting to get started, or for your husband to agree to come along, won’t make that (or those) reasons go away. Quite the contrary, in fact.
One of the biggest mistakes that couples make when it comes to marriage counseling is waiting too long.
Often marriage counseling is delayed because there’s an assumption that you need both partners to participate for marriage counseling to be effective. As I explained above, that’s not the case and there can be big benefits to seeking counseling as an individual rather than as a couple.
Below are just a few of the things you gain from attending marriage counseling on your own.
If you feel that you and your partner are in need of counseling, then you’re probably right. If you choose to wait until he agrees to go, however, you may be waiting a long time while your problems continue to escalate.
If that’s the case it’s very likely you’ll find yourself feeling resentful toward your partner. Making the choice to attend marriage counseling on your own at a minimum allows you to work through your own frustrations and examine your role in the problems you’re experiencing. And that’s progress that will improve your marriage.
We all know there’s his side, her side, and then the real story somewhere in the middle.
Whether your spouse attends counseling with you or not, a trained third party can help you put your problems as a couple in perspective, and that will allow you to make better decisions and handle issues more effectively.
This new perspective can also give you a deeper understanding of your partner’s mindset and how to best respond to him.
As you learn ways to handle things in a more productive manner you can lead by example when it comes to working on the issues in your marriage.
You’ll also feel more in control and be equipped with better tools for coping and overcoming the challenge of communicating.
All of the above means when there is strife in your relationship, you’ll be more confident in your ability to handle it.
This feeling of control, even if it’s just over your own approach and reactions, can result in a deep feeling of satisfaction and security. The more in control you feel, the stronger you'll become.
Individual counseling can help you identify and break any negative patterns or cycles you have that may be contributing to conflicts in your marriage.
As you work on your own issues and grow as an individual, it will positively influence your marriage. And when one partner makes positive changes, it often encourages the other partner to do the same.
Keep in mind that while there are numerous benefits to attending counseling alone, especially if your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling, when there are big problems in a marriage attending as a couple should be the eventual goal.
Marriage counseling is a smart choice for all couples.
Even when things seem generally okay, learning new ways to communicate better and more effectively handle differences in opinions is always beneficial.
If you’ve gotten to the point, however, where you feel counseling is necessary for the survival of your relationship, don’t let the fact that your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling stop you.
Remember,
If your husband won’t attend counseling you can still empower yourself and gain clarity through marriage counseling on your own. Your efforts will have a positive effect on you and in all likelihood your marriage too.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 5, 2010, updated on February 19, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My husband & I have been together for 19 years. we have always had financial problems. He has had 15 jobs in 19 years, but he blames me for everything that has happened financially. We have lost cars and this year our home was foreclosed. When we lost our home, my husband took off his wedding band, which I didn't even notice until a month later. But he has told me that he is resentful of me because we lost the house and everything is my fault. I don't know if he is cheating on me, but I found a back of an earring on the floor in my bedroom and it is not mine. Now he says the house is a rental and it could be anybodies and yes that is possible, but my gut is telling me something different. When I confronted him about it he says he has not done anything, but I have still lost trust in him. He doesn't want to go to counseling. please any suggestions will help
what about if its the other way round and its the wife that wont go?
Chris, The same advice applies: go without her. Marriage counseling doesn't need both partners to be there to be beneficial. In my experience, once one goes, the other follows as they also want their side of the story heard. -Kurt
Hi, I am maried with my husband 3.5 years now, and we are having a baby if 4months now. My husband and I are having a lot of issues: he used to call me b---h, f-ing idiot, dumb, stupid... In arguments,m/gights, he used to break things, ouch the wall, broke doors, and he used to push me everythime we have fights, or take my collar.. I used to tell.him several times to come to counseling but he got angry and says that I am the one who is having problems so I need to go to psychologydt not him. He recently Broke our second car because in a night, he called me b---h without any reason and next morning he expected me to kiss him I refused, he said he didn't understand why I behaved such way, then broke the csr, called me couple of time b---h, called me bastard, and prostitute!!! After that he appoogized to me, and I was explaining to him that it is important for us to go to mariage counseling, he finally accepted. But he then after couple of days, he, he changed his status and doesn't want to come. He is now used all bad words from of the baby and telling her that her mother is a psychotic!! I am helpless pl can someome give me some suggestion!!
Sophia, Apologies don't mean much without any behavior changes. Counseling is a very good place to start, but this situation sounds more urgent. Do an online search for a local women’s shelter. You can also call the national hotline at 800-799-7233 for help 24/7. Be smart and remove yourself and baby from any dangerous situations. -Kurt
Thank you for your response Kurt!
I still love my husband and want to make work our mariage but things are not helping me. My husband is recently telling me that i am the one shouting and screaming.. honestly I don't think I was shouting I feel that I was talking normally may ve a little raise in voice but not shouting and he was giving me lecture how wrong and un decent I am by shouting instead of talking!!
I used to forget to some tasks at home like pay bills on time, so my husbaND used to call me that I as m useless and the word..
Well, I just want to know if the fact that I am not doing some important tasks at home and that I keep forgetting will allow my husband to call me names and justify it?
I am.planing to go my home country with my baby for a break from my husband but
he doesn't let me go now by saying that we should first m solve our problem then you can go. But I am feeling really depressed here, he is hurting me every day by his words. I really don't know how to convince him to get passport for our baby and allow me to travel internationally.
Me and my wife have just gotten married 5 days ago. I can't get her to come to counseling with me. She insisted that everything is my fault and why do WE need to go for counseling. YOU should go yourself.
I felt that over the years, I've been bending too much and sucking up blames. And she feels that I never change anything for her.
ST, You don't need her to go with you to counseling for it to work for your marriage. Go on your own. In my experience however, once one spouse comes in, the other one wants to as well. -Kurt