Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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No one gets married expecting to get divorced. But unfortunately divorce happens all too often, and when it does getting the right divorce advice is crucial.
A guy I worked with a few years ago returned to counseling last month. When Daren and I first started working together, he came to marriage counseling to help save his marriage. He ended up deciding to get a divorce and our work transitioned into divorce counseling.
While we were catching up on how much his life has changed over the past year now that his divorce is final, he said the following:
The best divorce advice I ever got was from you. You told me to be very careful who I took advice from and you were really right."
Where does divorce advice comes from? Well, as it turns out, everywhere. But whether it’s good advice or not is a different story.
When Daren was struggling to save his marriage there was no shortage of people who gave him advice on what they thought he should do -- leave her, stay, take a break for a while, etc. When he separated and filed for divorce the advice giving only increased.
As the divorce was happening, everyone he knew had suggestions for him. In our counseling meetings I cautioned him to be careful who he listened to because most people, even though they have good intentions, lack the expertise to really have good, effective divorce advice.
Family members, friends, work associates, neighbors -- the list was endless of people Daren knew who were married, divorced, or had had relationships go bad. Almost all of them had advice for him that they thought was good -- and some of it was.
The problem for Daren was that he couldn't tell the good advice from the bad advice. His head was already swimming with all of his own thoughts and questions, and the endless advice he kept getting only confused, overwhelmed and paralyzed him.
So, Daren and I put a plan together to help him. We decided he would stop talking about his divorce to all but a couple of people. He chose to rely on me, his divorce counselor, for advice. He also kept sharing with his best friend what was happening just to be able to talk to someone but got no advice. He had started dating and a new female friend became an emotional support. That was it.
When people would ask him about his divorce, ex, or the kids, he'd ask them if they could please talk about something else. Since these people cared about him it was usually no big deal to get them to respect his request. After Daren implemented this strategy, getting through his divorce became a little easier.
Divorce advice is clearly everywhere. Each divorce is different, however, and most advice is pretty generic.
I will caution you, as I did Daren, to be careful from whom you accept advice. Here are 3 additional tips for you to consider if you feel divorce is inevitable:
If you're where Daren was, struggling in your marriage or going through a divorce, learn from his divorce success story and be very careful who you take advice from. When you take advice on your marriage or divorce, be sure it's from an objective, knowledgeable and experienced professional. The risks are too high to settle for anything less than the wisdom of an expert.
What's the best divorce advice you ever got? Please comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published January 12, 2010 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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my wife has decided she wants a divorce we are working throught that prosses I I discovered that she had an affair with a friend that has left his wife. now all of our kids are stuck in the middle of this crazy thing
Poor bloke. They always stereotype the dudes.... Sorry to here. Least u have closure. Imagine not finding out...more emo pain.
Im 23 yrs of age, imabout to get a divorse.. I have one little girl and my head is just off this world, i have never cheated on my wife nor i ever laid a hand on her and now she wants a divorse.. Im heart broken.. I cant stop thinking what i would do if she leaves, what would happen to my daughter.. I feel really lost...i am trying to save my marriage but she is not, i just think she doesnt love me anymore and we have only been together for 2 years.. I need help or someone to talk to
Wow, just wow. I've been married believed happily for 12 years. I was punched in the face 3 times by her. She called the cops on us. I never laid a hand on her. Left with my 4 kids. Kept them from me for 3 days without knowing where they were at. Yeah I hear you its a mess.
Congratulations
exclamation point ' The Greatest Decibel Never Heard ' I say, I Collins05.jerry am
did not regret ex wife devorcing Mme .
Having no involvement with her children they do not look like Mme . I am not needy ,have things to do , not going to prove anything to anything ,and , I am not
missing ovt on anything ? Have I given
everyone a possibility hell yeah , yov never know exclamation point ' The Greatest Decibel [ db ] Never Heard ' !
I’ve ignored the advice of other people – that’s not the problem.
I’d like to know how to politely tell people to stop giving me advice. I don’t want to hear the advice of non-experts (and it takes an expert to deal with a family that lost a daughter and then, almost unbelievably, had to deal with a flood/hurricane a month later), and I don’t want to be rude to friends who seem compelled to give unsolicited advice, none of whom know what went on behind closed doors.
One guy – a good friend - grilled me for over an hour, instructing me to drive 4 hours to where my wife is now living and beg her to come back. He missed his deceased wife. My friend told me that he was for marriage (so am I) and that we could grow old together. He simply assumed that I wanted my wife back, and has continued to tell me to drive up and try to get her back.
My wife handed me surprise divorce papers and left me in a rage with 3 hours notice after spending 15 minutes with our surviving kids telling them that she was moving four hours away, never coming back, and ordering me to communicate with her only through her lawyer.
He didn’t know that my wife had exploded at me constantly as I had prepared our daughter’s funeral or that she had insisted that our deceased daughter had been murdered (no one knows where that idea came from) or that she had for the three years since our daughter had died insisted that she was my least favorite child, arguing her case by coming up with isolated examples of times of when I had slighted her, like a time when I hadn’t said hello to my daughter - once. I didn’t enjoy being punished or blamed for my daughter’s accidental death. He wanted his deceased wife back. With my wife gone 15 months, I don’t really want her back (I would like my daughter back, but we all know it doesn’t work that way,) but really don’t want to discuss that with him.
Another friend, with my (surviving) daughter standing there, told me how nice my wife was and then asked, “Did you try counseling? We had a good one who saved our marriage. Why don’t you give me her number?” My temptation was to say something like, “Counseling? Is that something new? Would that have stopped my wife from cutting off me, and the kids?” However, like most of us, I’m trying to spare my kids from airing our dirty laundry in public. In addition, I had tried to get my wife to go to counseling 3 months after our daughter died, and she had refused. I don’t want to get into these discussions with people.
If anyone has any way to stop people from raining advice on me in a way that they won’t take it as rude (advice givers don’t appreciate it when they’re told to stop, and it’s even harder to tell them to stop when the kids are standing there), that would be great.
Axle, Sorry, but there's not a simple way to get others to respect boundaries. It's up to you to set them and hold them so they can't walk over them. You're right not to listen to the advice of others who just don't get it. I'm counseling another guy right now who's in the same boat as you that one but me gets what he's been through. Politely, tell them you don't want to talk about it and walk away if necessary (even if your kids are there - good lesson for them to learn about respecting the requests of others). -Kurt
I left my wife and my life here last December because I was not happy with my marriage of 41 years. We just grew apart and had nothing to share with each other. There was no intimacy or communication of feelings. So, I drove to Oklahoma and stayed with a friend four months. I retired two years ago after working 38 years as a Respiratory Therapist Clinician and my wife still works as an RN in a cardiac clinic. I enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, reading, and taking classes at the local college and on my computer, and I love doing things outside like running, taking walks, hiking the Arizona trails, riding my bike, swimming and kayaking, and she has no interest in these. She just loves her job, and I respect that, but I need a companion and friend I can share my life with. I want to talk about my experiences and family and my dreams for the future. She wakes up at 3am and goes outside to the patio to smoke and play games on her phone, check her bank account balance, and write a list of things for me to do before leaving for work, and when she came home she goes outside and smokes, then tells me about all her patients she took care of that day. I would make dinner, and then clean up the dishes, while she would always fall asleep in her chair after dinner while watching tv. We're talking and getting along now but my two daughters, who are in their late 30's, have not talked with me since I left They do let me see my grand children and tI love watching them, and taking them swimming and to parks and movies. I'm renting a house, and looking for a condo to buy, but I'm feeling so lonely and depressed now, and living a sadness I can't seem to shake.