Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
The best divorce advice for women I can give is don’t make an emotional decision. Divorce is so life altering, and in many not so good ways, that you don’t want to rush into it.
Obviously, people choose to divorce to make their lives better. But divorce brings with it many negative aspects that can only be minimized or prevented with careful planning. So my divorce advice for women is to separate your feelings from your decision before making such a life changing choice.
We live in a throwaway society and this fact has impacted all of us. One example is dust rags, which used to get washed and reused, but now have been replaced by paper towels or the Swifter, which we use once and then throw away. I believe this 'just throw it away and get a new one' mentality has contributed to one of the biggest mistakes I see couples make -- if your partner isn't making you happy, then just get rid of them and get a new one.
And when we let our emotions rule our decision making it's really easy to fall for this foolish divorce advice that if our partner isn't making us happy then we just need to get a new one. Here's a post I wrote on our social media pages about when to end a relationship that talks about this.
What's the divorce advice I give women look like? Let’s look at the marriage of Rico and Elise from another article about men who lie and cheat. Like many couples, they had told each other that if either one of them cheated they would get divorced. So when Elise discovered that Rico had cheated on her on a business trip, she was done.
She confronted him on a Sunday and they fought all day long; first over his initial lies and excuses, and then over whether they wanted to stay married and keep trying to fix their relationship. That night Elise talked to her mother who advised her to file for divorce, so Monday morning she was in an attorney’s office filing out divorce papers and paying a $5,000 retainer.
When Rico saw the lawyer's charge on their credit card on Tuesday he canceled her card. Elise discovered her card was canceled that night at a gas station when the pump rejected it. She called Rico angry and sobbing.
Fortunately, after getting some divorce advice from me, they both paused and took a breath. They both acknowledged that they each had acted on emotions the past two days and apologized. Rico got Elise a new credit card, and Elise told her attorney she wanted to see if they could reconcile.
Hopefully this example shows you the immense value of having an unbiased, non-emotional, professional advising you in how to make the best decisions about divorce. Divorce lawyers aren't going to do that (they want you as a paying client), and even well meaning family and friends don't always give the best divorce advice (they want to protect you from more hurt).
If you've got a partner who's willing to try or keep trying to make things better, then I think you really need to think long and hard about whether you're throwing away a relationship that still has the possibility of being repaired. For Elise, even though Rico made a huge mistake, he did ultimately admit it was a mistake and apologized. And he is willing to try to fix his mistake and their broken marriage.
The divorce advice a woman like Elise needs to hear is to slow down, don't make an impulsive decision, and certainly not one in response to the pain and hurt of being cheated on. She may end up still deciding to divorce even after professional getting advice, but if she does it will now be a decision she makes using rational, logical thought, considering the full impact of that decision, not one just driven by emotion.
It’s not just women who need the advice not to divorce based on emotion, men can just as easily make this mistake too. If you’re a man, this divorce advice for women applies to you too.
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Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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what if your husband doesnt stop looking. We have been to counseling to which he was happy to end. I had a girlfriend over the other night and she was in a bathing suit we had ust gone to the pool and would not stop looking at her. He also would not stop interacting with her. he knew this bothered me as with his past cheating and lies as well as mine also. I have tried everything to work on the marriage but he waits for me to initiate everything. He still pays more attention to other women even though he knows it bothers me. I am thinking now may be the time for divorce because I am finding myself emotionally detached as well not sexually attached either.Id rather be alone at this point. If he thinks he is not hurting me when I tell him he is then I do not know what else to do.
Milissa, Divorce should be the last resort. However, what divorce is is an action that backs up your words about how you feel he disrespects you. Look for some smaller actions you can take first that back up your words in the same way. When our words are ignored then we have to use actions that communicate the same thing. -Kurt
I need help with my husband who says one minute he wants a divorce but yet he's still in love with me what to do
Jamie, You could ask him if there's anything you can do to help him figure things out, but more than anything you probably need to give him some time to figure out for himself what he wants to do. -Kurt
A few months ago, my husband told me that he was not happy and wanted an open relationship. I found out that he was cheating on me but he said that it was only sex - not emotional. He said that he feels sorry the betrayal and how much it hurt me but other than that, doesn't think he did anything wrong. It was just sex and he doesn't believe in monogamy/marriage anymore. We have been married for 17 years and have 3 kids together. He didn't necessarily want to split up - he was hoping that he could have his cake and eat it too. That's not the type of relationship that I want. It did make me realize how my stressed behavior with kid's schedules, working, financial, etc. didn't make me such a loving wife and I have been working on that to keep our marriage and family together. I have also worked on keeping his "sex bank" full. I have asked him to halt all contact with his affairs for us to work on our marriage and he said that he would. We get along and have many things in common - I just felt that this was a stressful point in our marriage and was looking forward to when the kids went off to college so that we could get back to "us". Well, guess you can't wait for those things. I know that it takes work to put the relationship back on path - and I do feel like I have made a lot of changes to make it work. At times, I feel like the only concession that he's made is to keep his dick in his pants. Trust me, I know that I'm not perfect but neither is he. After 3 months, I have put a lot of effort into being more attentive to him and working on ME to gain back my self esteem that was lost some time ago. He mentioned that the changes have not gone unnoticed but he's not so sure if it's too late - he lost the "love" long ago. You say that it will take time to gain it back but how much time? As much as it hurts, I am not going to beg him to love me or accept him staying because he feels sorry for me. At some point, I need to move on with my life. Not to be with someone I deserve (that will come in time) but to learn to live by myself. I don't want him to stay if he doesn't want to. I think that he's only staying because financially, we can't afford a divorce or even a separation. Ugh - sucks all around.
Jenny, How much times varies for each couple, their circumstances and how much work they put into it. It goes faster and is more successful when you have a professional counselor who's walked the path before guiding you both. -Kurt
This February I found out that my husband had been cheating on me with bar women. He had been drinking heavily most workdays during the day (rather than actually working). The first time he was unfaithful was in the bar parking lot in the middle of the day in his truck with our friend's 22-year old daughter who was enamored with him. They had been meeting up and drinking a few times prior, and decided to take it to the next level. They never texted, met up, or spoke again after that. Then my husband decided that since he had already gone to the "dark side" he had nothing to lose. He met another girl in a bar in a nearby town, started texting and meeting up with her... they only kissed one time, but the nature of this "affair" was more about the bar meet-ups. Then, in yet a different nearby town, he met another girl, got her number, met up with her and her friends about five times, and had sex with her one time when they all went back to her house after the bar. It was during his affair with this girl that I caught him via our cell phone records. It has been 7 1/2 months and I think it's finally settling in my brain that I cannot live with this past. I need to divorce him and move on. It feels terrible though. We are a very successful couple. We have money, two beautiful kids, a business, a career, etc. Some people keep telling me not to throw it all away since he his so remorseful and would do anything to reconcile. Others advise me that I am too high quality to settle for being treated like this. The reality of the situation is that I don't think I can live in this small town with this "woman" (the first one - the 22-year old daughter of our friend). Everyone knows. Everyone is talking about us. It is excruciatingly embarrassing. Do you have any thoughts on this matter? Also, we've gone to a couple marital retreats for couples in crisis (part of my husband trying anything and everything to reconcile), and I can't help but reflect on one retreat, where the therapist had been giving advice to couples in crisis for many years, but it wasn't until she actually was cheated on herself that she was able to give the real advice that her clients needed. Have you been through infidelity yourself (either side)?
Christine, I'm curious how exactly did that therapist's advice change after being cheated on? Right behavior and wrong behavior doesn't change, nor does the truth about what's required for a healthy relationship. -Kurt
TRUST is gone. After 40 years of marriage, and 3 beautiful children, for the past 10 years I have discovered random women AND full blown affairs. I have given this marriage everything; forgiveness, long suffering, faith, patience. I have been lied to, defiled, verbally abused. Now that I have paid an attorney, HE wants to "work on things". 2 councellors and a pastor have told me I can't fix this, it's his to fix. One personality test caused the councellor to say "any man would be lucky to be married to you". I am broken beyond repair and I just need to go heal. He is even fighting me on this. Help.
Kathy, What we tolerate, will continue. The counselors and pastor are right: you can't fix him. He has to want to change. Only you know whether leaving or staying is right for you. See the Divorce Advice subject tab on the right of this page for some suggestions. -Kurt