There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
We're all capable of making excuses, covering up, and even lying about our behavior. It happens for reasons that are both big and small. For some, however, it can seem to be a regular occurrence. And when the lying and covering up is about really bad, hurtful choices that have been made this response in particular can destroy a relationship. So when we have a partner cheating and doing this, especially if it’s happened more than once, it's easy to wonder . . . do all men cheat and lie?
The answer is, no, not all men cheat and lie, nor is it just men who cheat. Women cheat, too. In fact, most men and women who cheat are not the stereotypical despicable, selfish, low-life jerks commonly portrayed in the media. Most people who cheat are just like you and me -- pretty good people who make a bad choice. So in dealing with men who cheat and lie, it can be very helpful to better understand why men cheat.
Let's take a look at the following post I wrote on social media about making excuses for cheating.
I work with couples dealing with cheating quite a bit. Although every circumstance is somewhat different, there are many commonalities. Here's a not so uncommon story about a partner cheating and how it can happen. See if you think this guy fits the belief that all men cheat and lie.
Rico and Elise have a rocky, contentious relationship. They can describe times when they really enjoy being together, and then other times when they can't stand each other and think about getting divorced. A regular part of their relationship is fighting. Since Rico travels a lot for work, when they fight it can be pretty easy for them to avoid each other for days afterward.
Recently they were fighting over something to do with Rico's involvement with his first wife (they have child and financial connections still). This fight happened to begin on a day he was leaving town, so the fight continued in the car on the way to the airport. When Elise dropped him off at the airport, there was no kiss good-bye, no “"I'll talk to you tonight," just silence as they both looked forward to the relief of getting away from each other.
On the trip Rico met someone in a hotel bar. She was someone else traveling for work, unhappy in her relationship, feeling lonely and looking for some positive attention too, and they hit it off. One thing led to another and they ended up sleeping together.
Did Rico set out on his trip looking to cheat on and then lie to Elise? No. Did it happen and is he still responsible for his behavior? Yes.
Rico didn't do a very good job covering his tracks and Elise discovered text messages from the other woman within two weeks. When she confronted him, he denied it, lied about who she was and what had happened, but after a week of this he eventually admitted he'd cheated. But in between his denial and admission was a long series of lies and excuses.
Rico and Elise were already having problems. Their communication was poor and they had grown apart. Although not an excuse, for these reasons it was easier for Rico to make a very bad choice. That choice and the way he handled disclosing it (or not disclosing it) has put Rico and Elise’s marriage on the verge of divorce. So, in an effort to see if they could salvage their relationship, they chose to try counseling.
Elise asked me in a marriage counseling session the next week, why would Rico lie, and do all men cheat and lie? I told her that unfortunately almost everyone lies about cheating at first.
None of us wants to admit we did something wrong or bad, so it's a natural self-protection response for us all to have our first response not be truthful. As I wrote in the social media post above, "Our minds can rationalize and justify anything. So it's not surprising that I hear men (and women) give lots of excuses for cheating . . . You don't love me . . . we never have sex . . . you hurt me . . . you don't respect me . . . I feel alone." For Rico it was, "I thought we were finished and getting a divorce."
But none of these reasons, or excuses, gives us permission to cheat. Do all men cheat and lie? No, not all men cheat, but those who do will almost always lie about it at first. Many actually question if they should ever tell their wives they cheated at all. Unfortunately, the longer the lie goes on the easier it is to fool yourself into thinking your cheating didn’t hurt anyone, which sadly leads to a higher likelihood they will cheat again. No harm no foul, right?
Cheating is not okay, nor is lying about it, but lying is a pretty typical human response when we do something we know is wrong. After all, we're all capable of acting like we're 8-years-old sometimes. The hope, however, is that we remember the lessons we were taught at 8 – don’t lie, you will always, eventually, get caught.
Please do not leave this post thinking I'm saying cheating is okay, because it's not. However, knowing whether all men cheat and lie, and understanding some of the reasons why many do can help you have a better response to the shock and hurt of being cheated on. This post is about understanding cheating men and their behavior, not accepting their cheating.
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Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 14, 2015 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Hello, I recently discovered my boyfriends "hidden" email account and the messages he had with a mystery woman he met on Craigslist personals. I confronted him, and he had no excuses except sorry and I love you and I want a real honest relationship with you. It's a problem he says he has had his whole life, connecting with strangers/cheating, which stems from not being loved or wanted by his parents. We have since talked thoroughly about my feelings as well as his and we are gong to work on things. I don't tolerate cheaters or liars but he says he will change and wants to change for us. Giving him a second chance, but I'm just going to have such a hard time know with trust issues and every time his phone goes off or he gets home later then he says. My mind will always wonder 🙁 I truely don't know what to think or do. Is once a cheater always a cheater? Help!?
I've been in this amazing relationship for the last two months until this woman who is in love with my boyfriend messaged me on facebook and said that she had been hanging out with my boyfriend for the last two weeks and that they had been sleeping together the entire time. He denies ever sleeping with her, he says they just hung out after work like they used to before we dated and that nothing happened. I had asked him several times prior to this incident if he had seen her the last two months and he always swore that he had not, and of course he was lying to my face. I really like this guy but I'm not sure jf I believe everything he says. How can I know whether or not he was sleeping with her? If he was then it's over but if he wasn't then maybe we could work it out....
Carrie, You're right to be concerned, but focus on him, not her. He is who you have the issue with. -Kurt
My boyfriend cheated on me a couple months ago. He told me literally four days after he did it, and expressed deep remorse for it, he even cried in my arms about it while apologizing (ive never seen him cry and I've been with him for two years). He vowed to cut all ties with the woman, and to notify me if she ever contacts him (which she has and he informed me). He also told me he wanted to go to counseling, and he's actually gone and continues to go and tells me he enjoys it. He's been reading books about building trust back in the relationship. I guess what I am trying to say is, he really has been trying and he hasn't given up despite how difficult and emotional I get at times. My question, is this: all my life I've heard the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" meaning that cheaters don't know how to stop. So if this is in fact true, is it really worth sticking around with him even though he's putting in so much effort to make things right
Tamia, I've seen many couples recover from an affair and be stronger than before, so I disagree with the statement that once men cheat, they always will. If he is making changes that are consistent with his words, that's great. Most people in this situation need a professional to guide them because the process can be very difficult to navigate. -Kurt
I have never posted anything on such articles but this poped out at the right time I guess. My story is different than yours and I wish to get your advise. I am 25 year old female who discovered that her very loving father cheated on her mother, ok so I found out about that 1 year ago and it took me aome tome to confront him and when I did he was shiched that I knew and he promised that he will stop.. But of course he didn't, to be honest I am extremely hurt and I lost faith in Love whatsoever, my problem is that I and a guy are madly in love for 9 years and we still have the sparkle and now he wants to marry me but after this accident that my partner doesn't know about,, I so feel like leaving him for his own good because I secretly don't trust him or any man anymore even though I don't show it.
P.s my father has lost any feeling towards his own children and wife and he doesn't care at all that we cry alot and that we are all broken inside.
2. We were a very loving almost perfect family before the accodent
3. We dound out later that my father had many relations of course based on sex even before this one and for years
Please advise me
Huda, I'm sorry that you know this much about your dad's behavior. It puts you in an uncomfortable situation but it's not your job to monitor your dad's behavior. Try to focus on your life and not your dad's. The problem is between he and your mom, and is their responsibility to resolve. -Kurt
I was reading a comment about setting healthy boundaries and so on! I have been on and off with my nf/ kids father for around 15-16 years now, I try to communicate and talk about things we can fix and set boundaries so he hopefully doesn't cheat again but he keeps this privat email/Facebook account and told me he forgot all info to get in it! But I walked outside one day and he jumped off his phone and hid it, so I started digging and found out he sent a poke on fb to a girl he cheated on me with she assured me she wants nothing to do with his drama, and found out he has been on it and there is a female co worker on it he swears he's doing nothing wrong and I'm making things up I questioned the co worker she claims nothing is going on but someone close to her told me she likes to sleep with men in serious relationships! Idk what to think or do we were talking about marriage another baby, we even agreed it was a good idea for me to quit my job so there's little to no stress on a pregnancy due to a miscarriage back in November! But I don't feel the love back, lately it feels like we are two ppl under the same roof who just have sex. I have even asked him if he just wants to be friends because I can't live like this no more I want to be loved the way I love and I want to be happy I want a future with someone preferably him but not while cheating I can't do that anymore! I don't know what to do anymore , he tells me he wants us together he wants to keep trying for another baby and he preferred me to stay home! I'm just so lost these days my heart is so heavy I'm crying every night! He gets mad when I question him
Janelle, Your partner needs to take responsibility for his behavior. Remember that trust is something that is earned. You need to make a decision about what you want in a relationship and what you don't, because what we allow will continue. Before making any life-altering decisions like getting married, it might be a good idea to seek out professional couples counseling. A counselor will give you unbiased advice and guidance. -Kurt