There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
We're all capable of making excuses, covering up, and even lying about our behavior. It happens for reasons that are both big and small. For some, however, it can seem to be a regular occurrence. And when the lying and covering up is about really bad, hurtful choices that have been made this response in particular can destroy a relationship. So when we have a partner cheating and doing this, especially if it’s happened more than once, it's easy to wonder . . . do all men cheat and lie?
The answer is, no, not all men cheat and lie, nor is it just men who cheat. Women cheat, too. In fact, most men and women who cheat are not the stereotypical despicable, selfish, low-life jerks commonly portrayed in the media. Most people who cheat are just like you and me -- pretty good people who make a bad choice. So in dealing with men who cheat and lie, it can be very helpful to better understand why men cheat.
Let's take a look at the following post I wrote on social media about making excuses for cheating.
I work with couples dealing with cheating quite a bit. Although every circumstance is somewhat different, there are many commonalities. Here's a not so uncommon story about a partner cheating and how it can happen. See if you think this guy fits the belief that all men cheat and lie.
Rico and Elise have a rocky, contentious relationship. They can describe times when they really enjoy being together, and then other times when they can't stand each other and think about getting divorced. A regular part of their relationship is fighting. Since Rico travels a lot for work, when they fight it can be pretty easy for them to avoid each other for days afterward.
Recently they were fighting over something to do with Rico's involvement with his first wife (they have child and financial connections still). This fight happened to begin on a day he was leaving town, so the fight continued in the car on the way to the airport. When Elise dropped him off at the airport, there was no kiss good-bye, no “"I'll talk to you tonight," just silence as they both looked forward to the relief of getting away from each other.
On the trip Rico met someone in a hotel bar. She was someone else traveling for work, unhappy in her relationship, feeling lonely and looking for some positive attention too, and they hit it off. One thing led to another and they ended up sleeping together.
Did Rico set out on his trip looking to cheat on and then lie to Elise? No. Did it happen and is he still responsible for his behavior? Yes.
Rico didn't do a very good job covering his tracks and Elise discovered text messages from the other woman within two weeks. When she confronted him, he denied it, lied about who she was and what had happened, but after a week of this he eventually admitted he'd cheated. But in between his denial and admission was a long series of lies and excuses.
Rico and Elise were already having problems. Their communication was poor and they had grown apart. Although not an excuse, for these reasons it was easier for Rico to make a very bad choice. That choice and the way he handled disclosing it (or not disclosing it) has put Rico and Elise’s marriage on the verge of divorce. So, in an effort to see if they could salvage their relationship, they chose to try counseling.
Elise asked me in a marriage counseling session the next week, why would Rico lie, and do all men cheat and lie? I told her that unfortunately almost everyone lies about cheating at first.
None of us wants to admit we did something wrong or bad, so it's a natural self-protection response for us all to have our first response not be truthful. As I wrote in the social media post above, "Our minds can rationalize and justify anything. So it's not surprising that I hear men (and women) give lots of excuses for cheating . . . You don't love me . . . we never have sex . . . you hurt me . . . you don't respect me . . . I feel alone." For Rico it was, "I thought we were finished and getting a divorce."
But none of these reasons, or excuses, gives us permission to cheat. Do all men cheat and lie? No, not all men cheat, but those who do will almost always lie about it at first. Many actually question if they should ever tell their wives they cheated at all. Unfortunately, the longer the lie goes on the easier it is to fool yourself into thinking your cheating didn’t hurt anyone, which sadly leads to a higher likelihood they will cheat again. No harm no foul, right?
Cheating is not okay, nor is lying about it, but lying is a pretty typical human response when we do something we know is wrong. After all, we're all capable of acting like we're 8-years-old sometimes. The hope, however, is that we remember the lessons we were taught at 8 – don’t lie, you will always, eventually, get caught.
Please do not leave this post thinking I'm saying cheating is okay, because it's not. However, knowing whether all men cheat and lie, and understanding some of the reasons why many do can help you have a better response to the shock and hurt of being cheated on. This post is about understanding cheating men and their behavior, not accepting their cheating.
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Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 14, 2015 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Hi! My husband and I had a fantastic love affair and i thought we had a great marriage. But now just before our 12th wedding anniversary I find out that he checked out mentally about 6 years into the marriage and was trying to pick up women online and was thinking of an encounter with his old college girlfriend. Last year in November he slept with the same escort on 2 occasions and then texted back and forth for months, while being a total ass to me. I caught him on Januarty 7th 2016 and he immediately cut off contact with the escort and is showing a lot of remorse and has been crying and saying he will change. He is trying hard now and I know he wants to be a better person but my heart is broken. Was it possible that he found the escort hotter than me? he says no but I just cant shke off the images from my mind. I love him but I am totally broken.
Sarah, How you feel is completely understandable, and it's good he is remorseful and taking responsibility for is his actions. I have seen couples survive infidelity, but it's hard work for both partners. Because the recovery is so difficult to navigate on your own, talking to a professional counselor can really be helpful. -Kurt
I am in a 20 plus year marriage. My husband molested my daughter from a previous marriage from the age of 11 to adulthood. I just found out about this. Apparently he stopped molesting her and switched to porn. This was 10 years ago and I just found out about all of it. Can this marriage be saved? Should I even want it to?
Devastated, I believe it's possible for all marriages to be saved if both partners will put in the work to change and fix the problems. Whether this is true of yours I don't know enough to say. You're dealing with a lot of very difficult issues and complicated questions all at once, so please speak with a professional counselor with experience in sexual abuse, like myself, to help you sort through all of this and find the right answers to your questions. Feeling very confused and conflicted is normal in this kind of situation. -Kurt
As a female who was molested as a child, the fact that you would want to save this marriage is as horrific as the abuse itself. You should seek some professional help, and hope your daughter is more forgiving that I am.
He molested your daughter - no i do not think you should save that marriage.. How can you even think of loving someone who molested your child,
I was living with my boyfriend for 3.yrs before we got married, when I met him he was having a relationship with a woman from our town who happens to be his next door neighborhood and I was dating someone too. The chemistry we felt for each other was overwhelming, so we both broke with our relationships at the time and moved in together. We have great sex, we're always touching , holding hands and being very living towards each other... Just an occasional argument or disagreement. He travels for business to our hometown and I recently found he's been communicating with his next door ex girlfriend, she's been seen going to his house. He deny he's cheating but the phone calls tell me different. I'm so angry, disappointed and ready to ask for a divorce.
Two people got their hearts broken because the "chemistry was overwhelming." You decided to date someone who was, at the very least, an emotional cheater and now the same is happening to you. Can you really be surprised? His ex is probably happy to do it to you, really. Payback and all that. People at their base are selfish and petty with a staggering potential for heartlessness. I would never date or consider dating someone who is taken. It usually just comes back on you. I'm not trying to be cruel. But people don't tell each other the truth enough when they should. And I can't stand when someone dates a cheater and they can't believe they have been cheated on.
Or maybe he wasn't cheating and everything was fine. Who knows? No really, who knows? This post is super old.
I wanted to know if this sounds like bs: I was putting my husbands jacket away and I found a "soiled" on sock perfectly rolled up and placed inside the front jacket pocket. He said he was at home and masturbated and put it in his jacket pocket because he didn't want me to find it. I think I smell foul play; who puts their stuff in a jacket pocket? At home? Is it pretty much what I think...from going out with who what when where? Do men use socks in adult clubs or other things? There was hair on it not familiar either- but he still denies anything and insists it was his deal at home. My other issue is the sock soil location - usually this occurs mid sock like and this time it was at the toe area- of a men's sock- so to use to catch instead? Do strippers or maybe something on the side assist with socks? Could it be from porn or web cam crap? I just don't know what I am dealing with. My husband has a tendency to lie so.... Thanks
Elizabeth, It sounds like there is more going on here than just the soiled sock. I can't say for sure what he is doing, but both scenarios are possible. You can't control what he does, only your reaction to it. Professional counseling would be a good place to start so you can deal with the mistrust and progress from there to why he is doing what he is doing. Even if he won't go with you at first, you can go on your own. -Kurt
hello kurt. what state do you practice out of? do you do cyber counseling?
Sajdah, I practice out of California, and I do counseling via Skype, Google Chat and phone conferencing as well as in person. Here is the link to my contact page to set something up: http://www.guystuffcounseling.com/make-a-counseling-appointment. -Kurt
You got to be kidding me. If you have man parts and not carrot attached to your body, it needs variety, period. Preventing yourself from doing what's natural, gets nice place, 6 feet under a lot faster...